To wish I didn't have my daughter

[gingerbreadbunny]

I have 4 children, 3 are lovely easy children and 1 who whinges and whines all day about anything and everything.
She's really hard work, the other 3 go straight to bed but not her she's up fussing back and forth for hours, it's exhausting.
She doesn't ever want to go anywhere and will make everything about her by just being difficult and awkward, she won't do as she's told,
if she doesn't get her own way she screams and tantrums and ruins everyone else's day.
She constantly and deliberately upsets her brothers and sister who have had enough, she'll only play with them if she gets her own way and if they don't want to play her way she'll ruin it for them or won't play.
She's 6 and I love her but I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her.
I feel like she sucks all the energy out of me every single day.
She always wants everything to be about her and will deliberately talk over any siblings who try and talk to me.
If I hold another's hand she'll pull them off me so she can hold my hand instead.
I just don't have any energy left, she's completely depleting me and dh.
She is full of anger and hatred and is wearing us down.
She can be lovely when it suits her but it's usually short lived, just until something doesn't go her way.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I firmly don’t believe I ‘just got lucky’. DP and I had to really rally together with DD. We read books, agreed a behaviour system, heavily based on ‘Supernanny’ (although I know she is critisised now), read books to help her manage her behaviour (as bedtime stories) - all the way through to her teens.

At some point there was a ‘tip’ where she still asserts her views, but accepts that we are her parents and needs to listen to us. And a huge, huge tipping point was when she started to self regulate without our intervention.

It has worked, and I want to feel proud and able to state that - because it has taken years of stress, questioning myself and self doubt.

My experience as a Mum of 3, oldest is autistic (diagnosed after many failed attempts at age 20) my youngest is autistic and has ADHD (diagnosed at age 13 & 15), has given me to believe that communication deficits can make even the sweetest child angry and possessive.

My oldest simply cannot deal with the unpredictability of family life. He didn't lash out but could be very fickle and obtuse and would clash with my DH. It created such a huge rift and I would try to be a peacemaker, and ended up very bitter and sad. He is much happier now he is an adult, living in his own home.

My DD was just like yours until I finally cracked at age 2.5 and put her into nursery. She became the master of the mask - perfect at nursery and school and not at all difficult - but she can't keep it up and now ends up having awful autistic meltdowns with huge anxiety issues.

The fact that yourbdaughter is doing well at school and is well behaved suggests to me that she may have perfected the art of masking at school but loses the plot at home - when she gets home she goes straight for her safety zone (you) and then loses it when she realizes (sub consciously) that the safety zone is a shared resource. I would get her assessed and at the same time sit her down and lay out ground rules, which are in non negotiable with clear and enforced consequences.

She has needs that require specialist assessment and help. There is no shame in seeking help.

Good luck.

@BigGoose there's no medals being given out here for being a great parent.
One size doesn't fit all for ND kids. I'm pleased your kid is thriving, but different kids need different approaches. I know your approach wouldn't work for mine for example.

You still got lucky because yours didn’t get burnout.

Burnout is mainly triggered by external stressors.

Supernanny didn’t work for me. Mine wouldn’t comply. And she was too big and strong to battle with.

Mines 17. She self regulates. It’s more to do with age.

But burnout is driven by friends, schools, school expectations dealing with sensory issues in a crowded environment, noise, loud teachers. The need to decompress after a busy day.It’s nothing to do with boundaries. Some ASdkids get it, some don’t. But it’s not driven by boundaries.

My younger sister (20years younger) was like this at that age, tantrums trying to control where we went and what we ate they were so bad. By her teenage years (when we all expected her to become much worse) she surprised us all and became, and still is the most loveliest, quietest, kindest person in the family.
How is your daughters behaviour at school? Have you spoken to her teachers about how she is at home?
a lot of behaviours are either attention or a way of communicating how they are feeling inside (physically or mentally) but are struggling to understand. School may be able to offer you some support or at least signpost you to get some.
hope things improve for you.

Sounds very very very similar to life with my eldest - DS is 7, nearly 8. Has been a bit of pickle forever but really ramped up since he was around 5 at the end of Reception year.

Pretty much fine at school, though does display some impulsive/fidgety behaviour but nothing too extreme. At home though... its constant hard work. He dominates family life, has no emotional regulation, is very oppositional, has regular restorative conversations post-meltdown about sometimes needing to do things we don't want to because we have to or because someone else in the family wants to etc etc. Same argument daily. It grinds me down at weekends.

Anyway, recently diagnosed ADHD privately (as school don't see as extreme behaviour, it would have been a huge uphill battle to get NHS referrals etc. and frankly wasn't happy to leave it years until the wheels totally fall off). Diagnosis also includes looking at oppositional defiant behaviours, of which DS scored very highly. So, he's ADHD with ODD. And life is f*cking hard.

You are parenting on hard-mode, so give yourself a break. Those who haven't experienced the intensity of these types of behaviour will tell you to be more disciplined, sticker charts etc. etc.... but its just entirely different if your child has underlying ND and you cannot understand it until you live it. It simply isn't comparable to someone's child that has the occassional tantrum.

As for the eye contact someone mentioned earlier, it's not always as it seems.
I can give eye contact because I know it's expected of me, but I focus so much on forcing eye contact that I don't hear what's being said to me for example, I'm thinking about the eye contact, then become paranoid that I'm staring at them, so I look away and worry that because I looked away they think I'm not listening, so I look back, should I look at the left eye or the right so I flit between the two, then I'm conscious that probably looks really shifty and can they tell I'm feeling uncomfortable? then it's the end of the conversation and I have no idea what was just said to me because I couldn't hear them over the mental turmoil in my head.
I would have heard every word if I had just looked at the floor or sat beside them, not looking at them, but then I'd be completely aware of the fact I was not giving appropriate eye contact which would take over mentally.
So yes I can and do give eye contact but at a huge price. Still autistic but wouldn't tick the box for no eye contact but it doesn't come naturally to me.

Sounds very like my girl and she has adhd and autism. The autism part for my LG is being very rigid that she needs things her way . Massive meltdowns when things don’t happen the way she thinks they are going to. Disappointment is a massive trigger so we need to be careful what we say to her, like we can’t say we’ll go swimming on Thursday if we don’t 100% know we can go, this is getting better with age but she would go bananas if we had made loose plans and then they fell through.
She has lots of strategies at school to help her and we’ve just learned what does and does not work for us as a family. It is hard tho, but getting better with time. The explosive emotions are definitely getting better. Hope you can get some help.

I’m always amused by how people who believe they are progressive cannot stand to even read a different view to their own very narrow ideology.

We live in a diverse society with laws in place to protect discriminatory behaviours.

Its not ‘narrow ideology’ It’s UK law

Did i upset you by getting your post deleted? Aww.

Challenging disablist hate speech against disabled people isn't a progressive viewpoint or a narrow ideology - it should just be standard human behaviour, if you're a decent person.

3 are lovely easy children and 1 who whinges and whines all day about anything and everything.
I just know life would be so much happier for us all if we hadn't had her

It’s painful for me to read how you feel about your daughter; I can only imagine how painful it is for your daughter to sense this is the way you feel about her, as I’m sure she does.

You talk about your family as if you, your DH and your other 3 DC are your “real” family and this DD is just an interloper who has come along and messed everything up for the rest of you. It’s heartbreaking. She’s your child, just as much as the others are; yes she’s different, but why are you making that her fault?

She got her genes from you. She gets her environment from you. She’s SIX years old, FFS; the agency she has over her own life is next to nothing.

Yes, I can understand it’s difficult to have this one child who isn’t docile like the rest and who you feel is spoiling things for your other DC, but bloody hell. She’s your child too. As a pp said, behaviour is communication: she has needs that aren’t being met, and you need to start recognising that. You are her parents and it’s your job to meet those needs, to love her as unconditionally as you love your other “easy” DC.

Your whole post is about how she is failing as your child. Because it’s easier for you to frame it that way than think it’s you who are failing her as her parents, and recognise it’s on you to keep trying till you find what works for you and for her.

You can wish she were different and blame her for it all you like - the way you describe her it’s as if you think she’s a defective model that you were unlucky enough to be palmed off with - but that won’t achieve anything at all; will only make things worse in the long run.

She’s part of your family; she is your family, just as much as your three “lovely easy” children. She is not an interloper who is destroying your family, she is an integral part of YOUR family, and it’s your job to give her the parenting she needs, however you make that happen, whatever support you need to get.

And that starts by stopping blaming her and recognising that she’s not some outside alien force doing this deliberately to hurt everybody, she’s just a very small child who’s obviously not happy and whose distress it’s your responsibility to alleviate. Because you are her parents. And she is your child.

Thank you for all the replies, I've just about caught up now, just one thing If you have adhd or asd do you prefer to see it as who you are or something that you have?
Just thinking about if she's given a diagnosis how she'll feel or how I'll explain.

My Dd views it as part of her. Shes 17 though.

Here, we all view autism as part of who we are.

I wouldn't worry about it for now, you've got time to get your own head around whether you think it's worth pursuing a diagnosis. Even if you don't, parenting techniques for ADHD are mostly about de-escalation so you might find that helpful in any event.

I've suspected my dc have it for about a year, but i only very recently spoken to them about it and it's because the behaviour was getting so much more challenging. In the meantime though I've overhauled everything i thought i knew about parenting. It'll be really helpful for your dd if you can understand it yourself first as then she will be able to ask you questions.

To answer your question, I'm autistic and ADHD and i tend to refer to myself as being adhd/asd rather than having, because it's part of my genetic make up and it'll be so forever. I'll never "not have" it so saying "i am adhd/asd" makes more sense. But everyone's different. There's a site called ADDitude that I've found helpful for understanding it.

Not helpful.

You don’t seem to understand the breaking point ND can drive parents to. I wanted to frequently run away when my dd was little. She absolutely did my head in.

But l loved her ( and still do) more than the world. And now l look back and regret that we didn’t understand her earlier.

Parents are allowed to struggle with nd children.

My DC have ADHD and I have always said it is just one facet or part of who they are. In terms of managing at school I pointed out that often the classroom set up doesn't suit people with ADHD but it suits most kids and so that's why it's done that way. If they are struggling to concentrate it's not because they're bad or wrong or failing but because the environment doesn't suit their way of learning. This isn't an excuse to behave badly of course.

Our daughter had an IEP stating things such as she should be sat at the front, teacher should check she's understood what's required for homework etc.

I found that DD was fine with support until higher in senior school when her poor executive function really caused her problems.

Levels of ADHD in the UK are estimated at 3-5% but in elite sports people it's nearer 10%. The ability to hyper focus on activities they love, which many people with ADHD have, is actually an advantage.

@MrsCBY no comprehension of how life is for parents of ND kids. Made so much harder and more stressful by viewpoints such as yours.

When you support and validate all extremes of emotions you help the mum's to reset and feel less hopeless. That translates to the child. OP will now move forward and things will absolutely improve once she learns how to support herself and her highly likely ND child. Your comments do nothing but make an already worn down mum feel worse. If you truly do care about the wellbeing of the child, you support the mum.

Nice chatting.

it isn’t hate speech to point out that ND kids are distressing for parents. It’s a fact. If those parents have ‘low expectations’ it is doing the child harm, as they later won’t cope in society. None of this is hateful.

I think part of the problem is societies strict expectations, everyone is expected to behave in the same way which is seen as socially acceptable but is geared towards the nt's of this world this comes naturally to nt people but to nd people it's like a mystery rule book they've never read and people can't understand why they don't respond like expected.
This idea of everyone fitting into the same box is where society fails nd's.
Quite often the disabled person doesn't take issue with their differences because it's all they know but it effects those around them who don't understand and that's where it's seen as something to be changed so we hear how strategies need to be put in place so they can find ways to conform to the strict expectations of the nt.
If society would just accept that not all people are the same and not everyone fits in the same box and throws the box away and lets people just be themselves without comparison then everyone could be happy.

Read The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting by Sarah Naish before you go on to seek a 'label' for your child.
Just tweak your parenting style and you might all be happy.
Lots of playfulness and 'Time In' rather than 'Time Out' might be a better outcome than a medical diagnosis.

Why does that trump a medical diagnosis?

If the kid is ND, she needs ND strategies. Including at school. Even a special school. Therapeutic parenting isn’t going to bring that.

@DiddlySquatSquat surprise for you here; parents are the experts. Thank goodness I ignored half of the gas lighters I had to deal with. We can't diagnose here based on not knowing the family, but those of us who have gone through this have an excellent instinct on this. Yes we may sometimes be wrong. I believe in the majority of cases we aren't. Yet,all we offer is a suggestion to consider ND. No harm in that.

I imagine that people with their own parental shame feel the need to blame other parents for their ' incompetence' rather than accept the reality that the ND population is and always has been significantly larger than anyone ever realised.