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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The wrong ring

105 replies

J4ff4 · 27/04/2024 23:49

My husband and I are recently married. We have been together for quite some time. We chose our own non matching rings. I recently noticed my husband was wearing a different ring and when I asked him about it he told me i was imagining things. I knew I was not because I was there when we purchased the rings and I put the ring on his finger. I continue to ask him about this different ring and he kept saying I was taking nonsense, he got angry and told me it was the same ring. I still had the ring recepit and checked the ring out on the venders site using the code from the receipt and it showed the ring that we purchased together and it was different to the ring he is now wearing. I have shown him the picture on the vendors site and he still says its the same ring, which it is cleanly not. I have tried racking my brain wondering why would he lie to me like this. And now I have all sorts of things going through my mind. Whose ring is he wearing, is he having an affair and he's wearing their ring or did they get their rings mixed up. Also the ring is a bit big for his finger because it keeps slipping off. So now I'm worried he's wearing another man's ring, and he has gotten the ring mixed up whilst fooling around and he's been wearing it for so long now he can't remember what his own ring looks like. You can also see the ring is different from the ring in our wedding photos. I haven't told anyone because I know he'll make me look like I'm going crazy, and I am too ashamed to tell anyone because I don't want people to know my business. Am I being unreasonable if I am him to leave.?

OP posts:
BabyRaindeer · 28/04/2024 07:45

LTB

BreatheAndFocus · 28/04/2024 07:47

Back off to stop him getting suspicious, then you might find something. Next time you mention the ring, do it in almost an apologetic way: perhaps you’re wrong? rings look so similar, easy to mistake them, etc. Then have a good dig around - around the house, in the bank accounts (to see if he simply replaced his lost ring), etc etc.

I can’t believe it’s from a male lover because why would he keep it on when he was with you? He’d swap them each time - leave his wedding ring at home and put on the other ring to meet his boyfriend.

If you don’t find anything, then decide if you want a showdown but first prepare yourself emotionally and practically. Then go to the shop where you bought them.

The innocent answer is he just picked up the wrong ring after sports and didn’t notice. Therefore his insistence that they’re the same is genuine - because he can’t determine the difference.

Whatineed · 28/04/2024 07:51

J4ff4 · 28/04/2024 00:16

I get what everyone is saying, maybe he lost it. But why not just say that. Even after I showed him the ring we bought he still says its the same ring. He even said we'll go to the store and you'll see its the same ring. He's just saying that cos he things I'll back of, but I won't and I'll go to the store with him if that's what it takes. Although I think he can't tremendous what his own ring looks like and that's why he's adamant it's the same ring. Question is whose ring is he wearing.

Edited

Take him up on that offer then OP, go back to the store with the receipts and the ring.

MissingMoominMamma · 28/04/2024 07:53

Does he ever take it off? If he does, whip it away quickly and hide it. See how he reacts, and whether another ring appears.

Copperoliverbear · 28/04/2024 07:54

What @Josette77 said.

CinnabarRed · 28/04/2024 07:55

is it possible that the brushed gold centre around the ring has got polished through wear, so it now doesn’t look as it did when new?

I have a brushed ring - white gold admittedly, which I think is less hard wearing normal gold - with an inscription. Both the brushing and the inscription have sort of polished away over time (i’ve had my ring since November 2021), and I’m left with something very much as you describe - a polished-looking (white) gold ring with two indent lines marking where the brushing used to be.

J4ff4 · 28/04/2024 07:56

I'm F by the way. And how do you mix rings up at sport. Do men put their rings on machine tops the way they do water. You need to be up close and personal to very your rings mixed up. I think that's why he doesn't know its the wrong ring. And he's seen the ring in the vender site so he knows himself it's different. Any why lie. It's bit like I'd be upset. If just be glad he lost his before I lost mine.

OP posts:
dragonscannotswim · 28/04/2024 07:58

This sounds bizarre. Looks like your only solution is to go to the shop together.

But that doesn't mean an answer to him being secretive with his phone...

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Lillers · 28/04/2024 08:04

If you’re going to call his bluff and go to the jeweller do it ASAP. The fact that he is so happy to gaslight you suggests to me that he has an idea of where the real ring is and will swap it back, saying “see, it’s the same” and pretending that you were crazy this whole time. Try to get a photo of the ring he’s currently wearing in case he does exactly this.

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 08:06

I haven't told anyone because I know he'll make me look like I'm going crazy

and

when I suggested this he said I was crazy

This man doesn't love or respect you, and this isn't about a ring. It's about him lying to you, you knowing it, and you not respecting your own feelings. You don't need his approval or agreement to end the relationship. You know he's lying. Stop waiting for him to accept your point, and just find a way out.

Happyearlyretirement · 28/04/2024 08:11

I’ve lost jewellery and replaced with cheap copies, haven’t told my husband of 34 years. Definitely not having an affair, just careless.

mnahmnah · 28/04/2024 08:14

Another possibility is what happened with my DH ring. It is titanium, half brushed and half polished. After a while the brushed effect gets polished through wear. It isn’t a permanent effect. It was just months for his to do it. Slightly engraved lines could be seen from where they divided the effects. Could this be it?

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 08:14

Happyearlyretirement · 28/04/2024 08:11

I’ve lost jewellery and replaced with cheap copies, haven’t told my husband of 34 years. Definitely not having an affair, just careless.

Did you repeatedly tell him he was crazy when he noticed it?

It's one thing taking an action that your spouse won't care about and not mentioning it. It's another thing lying to your spouse about it and making out that there's something wrong with them when they spot the lie.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 28/04/2024 08:19

My husband’s ring looks different now to when we bought it. It would be unusual for a man to be wearing another ring by mistake that fits so well and after 30 years I can’t imagine he’d dare wear a ring he’d swapped without discussing it. Is there a chance you’re mistaken?

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 08:23

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 28/04/2024 08:19

My husband’s ring looks different now to when we bought it. It would be unusual for a man to be wearing another ring by mistake that fits so well and after 30 years I can’t imagine he’d dare wear a ring he’d swapped without discussing it. Is there a chance you’re mistaken?

Respectful people don't make others feel crazy when they make a mistake.

Can't believe how many people are overlooking this. OP has mentioned two occasions where she's concerned about him 'making her look crazy'. This is more important than what he's trying to lie about, because it's an abusive relationship dynamic.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 28/04/2024 08:23

I'm not surprised you are suspicious OP,I'd want to know why on earth he was lying too!

Notamum12345577 · 28/04/2024 08:26

If does sound strange!

LightSpeeds · 28/04/2024 08:34

This all a bit bizarre.

Do you trust him, generally...?

Riapia · 28/04/2024 08:36

Why would he lie?
Well, he’s a man.
It’ll have come natural to him.

CadyEastman · 28/04/2024 08:38

Jumping straight to bigamy is quite extreme.

I know two different Men who've done it. I know I'm probably unusual in that but it does happen!

GingerPirate · 28/04/2024 08:43

This is the behaviour of your presumably adult
husband.
I don't know what to suggest.
😕

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 08:46

Riapia · 28/04/2024 08:36

Why would he lie?
Well, he’s a man.
It’ll have come natural to him.

Amazing what a penis can do..!

Everybody is capable of lying. What a ridiculous comment.

LadyEloise1 · 28/04/2024 08:59

CadyEastman · 28/04/2024 08:38

Jumping straight to bigamy is quite extreme.

I know two different Men who've done it. I know I'm probably unusual in that but it does happen!

Oh my !
Shock

Jk8 · 28/04/2024 09:15

His absolute bullshittery about it being the same ring when you purchased & put it on him would drive me crazy more then if he'd lost the first ring or inadvertently swiped somebody else's from somewhere

I'd just show him.the proof & refuse to discuss it yourself at this point. X

diddl · 28/04/2024 09:40

What about the wedding pics?

How does he explain the difference?