The wrong ring

[J4ff4]

My husband and I are recently married. We have been together for quite some time. We chose our own non matching rings. I recently noticed my husband was wearing a different ring and when I asked him about it he told me i was imagining things. I knew I was not because I was there when we purchased the rings and I put the ring on his finger. I continue to ask him about this different ring and he kept saying I was taking nonsense, he got angry and told me it was the same ring. I still had the ring recepit and checked the ring out on the venders site using the code from the receipt and it showed the ring that we purchased together and it was different to the ring he is now wearing. I have shown him the picture on the vendors site and he still says its the same ring, which it is cleanly not. I have tried racking my brain wondering why would he lie to me like this. And now I have all sorts of things going through my mind. Whose ring is he wearing, is he having an affair and he's wearing their ring or did they get their rings mixed up. Also the ring is a bit big for his finger because it keeps slipping off. So now I'm worried he's wearing another man's ring, and he has gotten the ring mixed up whilst fooling around and he's been wearing it for so long now he can't remember what his own ring looks like. You can also see the ring is different from the ring in our wedding photos. I haven't told anyone because I know he'll make me look like I'm going crazy, and I am too ashamed to tell anyone because I don't want people to know my business. Am I being unreasonable if I am him to leave.?

Are there other ways in which you doubt him? E.g. you've realised he wasn't where he said he was? When time frames didn't add up?
It doesn't really make sense to me that he lost it. If he had, I would think he would have gone to a lot of trouble to replace it with the exact same one (and it's only a short period of time, so chances are it would still be available) to prevent you finding out.

I’d be interested to know why you both decided to get married after being together 30 years. That is a very long time and was wondering whether it could be relevant. Could he actually have been married to someone else during this time. Does the ring look new or a bit worn? As it’s a bit big, has he lost any weight in the time you’ve known him?
Does he play any sports where he would remove the ring or have a job that requires its removal at work - could he have got it muddled with someone else’s whilst he had taken it off?
Yes it’s very odd indeed.

I'd be off to the jeweler with him, and the receipt, asap

I almost died and was in a coma, when I woke I suggested we get married for security reason. I once caught him flirting with a guy in a coffee shop and when I suggested this he said I was crazy. I thought maybe I was, so I forgot all about it. And silly things that he does, like when I text him I get a short yes or no reply, but when he texts family members is a long chat conversation.

You know he's lying - trust your gut. The problem is if it's as simple as a lost ring and his go to response is lie, then how can you ever trust him.

He may not be admitting that he lost his ring and replaced it because he doesn't think he did. When would he take the ring off in a situation where he might have picked up the wrong ring? Was the ring always too big? I think you should agree to go back to the shop where you bought it, perhaps to get it resized as it seems dangerously loose. You seem very positive the rings are clearly different, I hope your fears are unsubstantiated although he is behaving suspiciously.

Maybe he does think it's his ring if they're similar. Blokes can be a bit thick like that.

I don't know.

Are you now suggesting he's gay too?

Maybe he is, the wedding was rushed as you were so very ill.

I would have thought after 30 years that you'd be having an honest conversation. Might gut feeling is that he doesn't know he's wearing the wrong ring.

if he’s seeing someone who gave him that new ring, he would still have the original tucked away somewhere. Go on a ring hunt in his drawers etc at home. Thoroughly check his car.

Have you shown him the photo? That would be my next step. If it's obviously different and he keeps saying it's not you know he's trying to gaslight you.

Very weird behaviour. My DH accidentally threw my ring away, owned up to it immediately and replaced it.

Your DH sounds shady.

I'd definitely go to the shop with him. But, I'd ring ahead so that the staff don't feel like they are in the middle of something if it gets awkward.

Yes, contact the shop ahead of time. You say he was flirting with a guy and therefore he may be gay or bi. If he has cheated, his wearing the wrong ring makes a lot more sense.

Trust your instinct. He's up to something. Probably took his ring off because he didn't want someone to know he's married, and it got lost. Does he take it off normally? To go to bed etc? because if he doesn't, then I'd guess that's what's happened. It's hard to lose a wedding ring unless you take it off for some reason.

I think he's lost the original but the gas lighting is very very wrong.

If my partner lies and is caught out he doubles down. Won’t admit, even in the face of concrete evidence. Do not drop it, go to the shop alone with the ring and take a photo alongside what it should look like. Sorry you’re with a gaslighting creep but don’t fall for it.

This is going to be a closet bisexual husband isn't it?

I don’t know why you are getting a hard time. He looks like he is lying to you - of course you will wonder why and be upset.

His defensive behaviour does seem very odd.

Are you suggesting your DH is secretly bisexual?

And him and another married man mixed up thier rings?

Well he is clearly lying if you have photo evidence but its not about the ring really.

Based on his behaviour you think he is cheating on you and gay / bisexual / likes men?

I feel like the phone behaviour is weirder than the ring... which if it was my dh would 💯 be that he lost it and wouldnt admit it.

Your relationship doesnt sound good and given you are newly wed - bottom this out and either resolve the trust issues or emd the marriage of he is cheating.
Also get on reliable barrier contraception eg condoms

I assume from your username that you're both men? Which also helps explain why you didn't get married in the UK 20 years ago. It sounds like he is having an affair, I'm afraid, and is either wearing this other man's ring or it is one that has been bought for him by the other guy. If he had simply lost and replaced the original he would have fessed up when you noticed.

There is no point in marching him to the ring shop to prove it - you and he both know it's not the original ring.

If you've got wedding photos of the rings then he hasn't got a leg to stand on has he.

The lying is certainly suspicious behaviour, particularly when added to your other suspicions around his phone use.

But surely he would have known as soon as he put it on that it wasn't his, as it's too big, so can't just be a mix up. So it must be intentional.

I wouldn't be asking about the ring anymore. He's not going to suddenly admit it. Start digging in other directions or just raise the possibility of separation.

Either he lost it or he sold it. If he lost it there are a few reasons why someone might lie, embarrassment, not wanting to explain why it was removed, fear of failure. Or sold, some kind of debt issue.

Yeah, from your later information, his behaviour is in dodgy territory. What are you going to do?

Does he remove his ring at sports/gym/work? Could he have put the wrong one back on and not noticed?

Although if you think he's being shady with his phone then maybe there is something going on.

Op, you need to leave him alone - he’s obviously lost the original and replaced it. Just get over it otherwise you’re making it into something big when it really isn’t. My Dp has had 4 rings so far (that I’m aware of).