To be gutted that I’m selling my car and giving up on driving

[utuyuutjg]

I’ve had my driving license for around 10 years, and in that time I’ve struggled a lot with driving anxiety, I’ve never driven more than maybe 10 miles away with a passenger next to me, and alone I’ve never driven further than the supermarket. I’ve had 3 different cars and blamed it on each one, well I finally got a perfect automatic car that I absolutely love but I’ve realised it’s never been the cars that have been wrong, it’s me. I can’t shake my fear of driving, even though I can drive perfectly fine.

I’ve put my car up for sale today as I’ve only driven it once this year and it’s just a waste of money for it to just sit there. But I feel so sad and gutted. I’m 30 and it seems too young to be giving up on driving. I’m sad that driving was never a source of freedom and independence it was for my friends, it was just stress and anxiety.

What is it specifically about driving that you are worried about? Your skill, other drivers, navigating, fear of accident? If you break it down to what exactly scares you you could address that.

The personal motor vehicle has to be the single most liberating invention in all of human history. It's incredibly sad to pack it all in for anxiety. I'm sorry you're pondering this, OP.

I felt like this about my motorcycle when I first got it, although that’s a bit different as nobody needs a bike and they are objectively more dangerous than cars.

One thing that helped was doing very short, easy routes at quiet times, then building it up. Also, regular practice, 15 minutes a day might be more helpful than a couple of hours at the weekend. If that means driving around the block every day for a week it’s worth it if it means you can do it with zero stress!

Also, ignore anyone telling you to go further/onto motorways/busy areas before you’re ready.

Do you have DC yet? Since WFH I only really use the car for the weekly shop and taking DD to her activities but they all over the county and would be impossible without the car. Before learning to drive it really limited the options available to her in terms of extra curricular.

I found driving with a Satnav on really reassuring when I first passed. I've ever driven on a motorway but thats because there aren't any near me.

It's a fear of making a mistake, not knowing what to do in certain situations, as well as causing an accident. I worry about things like not noticing a child or an animal run out into the road and not being able to stop in time, or having an ambulance behind me and not knowing where/when it's safe to pull over to let them past, or being unable to overtake a slow cyclist when it's busy and causing tail backs of cars behind me. When I'm driving down country roads I worry I'll veer into oncoming traffic or into the trees or hedges along the side of the road, as lanes seem so narrow to stick in even though I have a small car and my lane positioning is always good.

Driving feels so high stakes, one lapse of judgement or a tiny moment where you're not concentrating can lead to people getting hurt or killed, and having to live with that guilt and grief, and even potentially going to prison over it.

Thank you all, sorry I can't reply to individual comments but I'm really grateful for all of your replies. I think I've decided to give it one more try, and start by just driving to the supermarket and back each evening.

Some of you mentioned that it doesn't have to be all or nothing, and that's really helped. Even if all I use my car for is short local journeys, at least it's keeping driving an option open for me in the future.

Good choice and good luck, OP!

A lot of driving awareness develops the more you drive, sadly the same with any skills the more you do it the better it becomes.

I would book some driving on something like a skid pan, and also some off road driving. The reason for this is you may eventually actually enjoy yourself and realise driving can be fun, but most importantly you will learn to drive in difficult situations without having to worry about other drivers being on the road. Also you can book driving simulators which will deal with the awareness of other road users and the issues you worry about, animals running into the road, country lane driving etc.

I would them continue with more lessons, I know you said you had them, but I am sure there are instructors who specialise in exactly your situation.

Driving gives you personal freedom, yes you can use public transport but it is not the same, you managed to get through a driving test, so use this as a positive and make further efforts to overcome your anxiety to continue to drive.

The post of yours I have quoted indicates to me you have a good awareness of the issues which can happen with driving, too many drives do not care or haven't a clue that these things can happen.

And now it's choking up the planet, not sure how liberating that is to the millions who suffer because of its domination

I've only become confident at driving since had to do longer drives regularly. Have you considered having some pass plus type driving lessons to build up your confidence?

All of those things you mention OP you learn and become more experienced with driving. The more you drive the more you learn. You need to drive more and you will learn what to do in all those scenarios. Drive the same route everday and you will become much more confident with that route. Then you try another route and drive that every day. I have to drive through very narrow country roads to get to work. I started that job a year ago and was quite timid when I first started, driving extra slow but now I wish round and have learnt how to drive it. Because I drive it everyday I became confident.
If you think about it rationally, pick another topic. If you are scared about public speaking, will you over come that fear if you only have to do it once a year? No. If you do it every week you become familiar and easy with it.
All of the things you said you are scared about you learn what to do when it or something similar happens. Then you know what to do for next time. It's an activity where you absolutely have to do it to become confident and better at it . You are only 30, don't give up!

And this is why this country is in serious trouble. I bet you loved lockdowns, mask mandates and vaccine passports. Any reason to go after people who are trying to live their lives to the fullest because they're happier than you.

I’d be looking at getting my anxiety treated rather than limiting my freedom.

You can happily stop driving and do everything to save the planet, meanwhile others will get on with their lives, especially those of us who live rurally.

I think all your reasons for the anxiety are totally valid actually. In fact I have often thought that people who don’t have those thought about driving have serious cognitive dissonance about it!
The stats of road accidents are pretty shocking. I only still drive because I basically have to, and will always walk if I can. The point a PP made about local amenities closing, so people having to drive, is a really good one.
I think you are probably doing the right thing OP and I bet( ironically) you are an excellent driver. If only all the appalling drivers I see on the roads had your self awareness!

I don't live in an urban area with cycle lanes though, I live rurally with lots of hills, blind bends and single track country roads with no speed limit, pavement or lighting.

No - not a big fan of lock downs, I'm a big outdoors fan, love fresh air and all that jazz

Yes, rural dwellers need cars, urbanites, not so much

You want people out of their cars.

Not all people, just fewer. Our roads are choked. Its crazy.

So in your view, only certain people are allowed cars. How very authoritative of you.

I think that's a good decision @utuyuutjg .

The thing with a lot of the fears you mention is that you'll only know what to do with practise. It's not really something you can learn at home or via a hazard perception test - you have to go out on the road and practise, practise, practise.

The more you do it, the more "natural" it will feel and the more confident you'll become. I was such a nervous driver during my lessons but when I passed, I had absolutely no choice but to get out there and do it. There was no public transport and nobody to give me lifts.

So in your view only certain people should breathe clean air?

I didn't drive for a decade after I got my license because of similar anxieties to you. I finally got a small car as I felt I was missing out by not being able to drive (I live in a very rural area) and took some refresher lessons with a local driving instructor (I asked for recommendations of someone who was good with nervous drivers). On one of the first lessons they got me to drive in a 2min loop on my own in a very quiet area as I'd never driven on my own - that really helped. They showed me how to do all the local roundabouts etc and I also had a longer 3 hour lesson where they showed me how to comfortably drive national speed limit roads.

I drove for several years quite happily until my anxiety was playing up again - not just driving but life in general - and I found I was struggling to drive. What helped me then was a couple of (private) CBT sessions to understand what happens when you feel anxious and why, and then me regularly practising going on short journeys until I felt more confident again. I'm now fairly happy driving again.

I hope you find something that works for you but please know you are very much not alone in finding driving difficult.

I’m very similar to you OP, even down to the preferring to get a bus in the rain than drive a car! And all the anxieties in your post above are exactly why I hate driving- it feels so high stakes and one mistake can have serious consequences.

I failed my test a few times at age 17-18 then tried again in my 30s and passed my test then. I was really anxious at first but lots of people said the well meaning comments on this thread about it just taking time and needing practice and perseverance etc. And how I’d soon get over the anxiety and start loving driving and the freedom it offered.

Spoiler alert - it never happened. My driving anxiety stayed at pretty much the same level. As someone said upthread a day out would be spoiled because I’d spend the whole time panicking about the drive home.

And so I’ve come to the liberating conclusion that driving is not for me. It’s just not worth the mental stress and anxiety. And that’s fine - we are all different and there’s no rule everyone has to be a driver.

If you’ve given it your best shot OP and you know deep down that driving is just not for you, then all the well meaning advice from people who don’t have driving anxiety is not really going to help.