To be gutted that I’m selling my car and giving up on driving

[utuyuutjg]

I’ve had my driving license for around 10 years, and in that time I’ve struggled a lot with driving anxiety, I’ve never driven more than maybe 10 miles away with a passenger next to me, and alone I’ve never driven further than the supermarket. I’ve had 3 different cars and blamed it on each one, well I finally got a perfect automatic car that I absolutely love but I’ve realised it’s never been the cars that have been wrong, it’s me. I can’t shake my fear of driving, even though I can drive perfectly fine.

I’ve put my car up for sale today as I’ve only driven it once this year and it’s just a waste of money for it to just sit there. But I feel so sad and gutted. I’m 30 and it seems too young to be giving up on driving. I’m sad that driving was never a source of freedom and independence it was for my friends, it was just stress and anxiety.

Don’t give up, Op is my advice. Driving is a useful skill, and although I wish that there were better options with public transport than there are, it’s severely limiting in a lot of ways outside the big cities.

Try and find a sympathetic instructor and have some brush up lessons, maybe one who’s used to dealing with these perfectly normal fears people have around driving. Maybe look into advanced driving tuition.

As a confident driver, much of this is about knowing your space on the road, how to drive assertively and confidently but not aggressively. The vast majority of drivers out there are decent and will give you the space you need. Sure, a minority are dicks but you just have to ignore them and most importantly not be afraid of them- just give them as wider birth as possible.

If you don't want to give up then I don't think you should. Have more lessons, have therapy, get more practice. Do whatever you need to do because I suspect in the future if you need to drive you won't feel able to go back to it.

Honestly, it's an important skill to have and it gets better with practice. The worst thing you can do is avoid something you are anxious about.

Good for you OP, you’ve made a difficult decision but you sound like you know it’s the right thing to do. If you’d rather catch the bus in the rain than get in your car then you really must hate driving! And that’s fine. I think there are more people than we realise who dislike driving enough not to do it for one reason or another, we just don’t notice because they get by on public transport and do a lot of walking.

Cycling! Love a bike ride. Very liberating🙂

I completely agree.
@utuyuutjg you did the right thing. And now you’ll have less stress in your life.

It's not exactly the safest or most practical means of transport, though.

Only if you're a seagull.

You don't have to let anxiety win 🤷‍♀️

CBT would be helpful for this, you would have to push yourself to drive every day but if you wanted to you could overcome this. The only way to conquer anxiety is to face it over and over again.

By avoiding driving you've taught your brain that driving is dangerous and the brain in turn 'protects' you by chucking lots of negative thoughts and feelings when you go to drive. You can retrain your brain by exposing yourself to driving and teaching your brain that driving is completely safe.

I say this as someone who completely recovered from severe anxiety.

The book panicking about panic is useful.

I didn't learn to drive until I was 42, passed 1st time, but absolutely hated driving. The stress and anxiety would kick in way before any trip I had to make, and that affected my blood pressure and mental health. I'd be physically shaking in the car, and not able to enjoy anywehre I'd travelled to, because i knew I'd soon have to drive back. It's no way to live and just not worth it. It just isn't for me, and while I appreciate that it's a handy convenience at times, I am so much happier using public transport. (Gutted about the wasted money on.lessons though).
I've even taken my DD8 in wonderful holidays (in the UK) by train which has been a brilliant adventure, and I've enjoyed the journey time with her as I'm relaxed and we can chat away or read books.
I'm also pleased that we're not contributing to the hideous environmental issues by adding more car journeys to the already overloaded roads, but that's another issue.
When I am a passenger in cars (which I don't do too often), I am appalled at the dangerous drivers I see flying about, its honestly shocking how scary some of them are.
So, for me, it has been the right choice and made my life better in terms of stress levels and safety. I totally understand why you've avoided it, and good for you for being sensible and responsible by making the choice you have made. Please try not to look at it as a failure. It's a sage choice in these circumstances and I hope you're able to find ways to enjoy alternative travel options.

I think some people just don't make good drivers, whether through nerves, inability to read the road or lack of coordination. If you've tried an auto, and had refresher lessons, maybe you've given it your best shot now. Better to acknowledge it's not for you than to keep forcing yourself. Save the money and use it to splash out on the occasional taxi.

Loads of cycling lanes in many urban areas these days. But fair enough, not one of the safest like buses.

Theo ey you will save on tax and insurance alone will mean you can afford to Uber if it's raining hard.

Only a bird brain would have such a narrow view of the world

Book some confidence lessons with an instructor. Honestly your life is more restrictive without driving - my mum massively regrets giving up driving due to anxiety

I passed my test nearly 10 years ago and never driven by myself, probably only drove a car a handful of times, why? Because I have such bad anxiety that it makes me so stressed and it actually makes me a danger to other road users, I think it’s ok to admit that and to bow out, some people just aren’t meant to be drivers 🤷🏻‍♀️

I made the decision not to drive recently. I passed my test when I was 17 and I am almost 54 now. I was always a nervous driver and didn't particularly enjoy it at all. My husband and both children drive so they are happy to drive me or I use public transport. I hit the menopause and my spacial awareness seemed to go overnight!

It was not cost effective for me to keep running a car as I was only doing 1-2k miles a year. The roads are so much busier now than years ago. For me it was just not worth the stress and anxiety I had around driving. You can still keep your licence for if you ever change your mind or become a named driver on another car, or if you hire a car. I don't see it as a failing of any kind, it is just being responsible and doing what is best for you.

You'll probably find it quite freeing once you decide to officially give up. Like a weight off your shoulder.

I passed a months ago, and only done two very short independent drives and been terrified the whole time. I'm quite fed up of people saying "been driving much?" knowing good and well I have anxiety about it.

I've decided instead of pushing myself, I'm just gonna do what I can, even if it's 5 mins down the road every couple days. Telling people scared of driving to "just get out there and practice" is no good, I don't feel safe, nerves cause accidents and poor decisions/responses. Now anytime tries to encourage me I just say "if anyones going to cause an accident its me not you so ill take it at a pace I feel safe".

I hope that when we get an automatic with all the bells and whistles, I'll be better, but I'm telling myself that even it isn't, it's okay, driving just isn't for me.

Sorry, derailed a bit, its a bit raw considering it came up today 😂

Honestly I thought you were going to say you were 80 or something! Surely you have passed your test,to have met the driving standards. You pass your test, then u learn to drive as they say. Can your friends come with u at first, then say meet them somewhere.dont give up! I was cut up by a white van man, passed off .but back behind the wheel 30 years of driving

CBT could help you. Have you thought about what the anxiety stems from? Could it also be a case of the more you avoid it the more of a scary thing it becomes? I say persevere, I am late 20s and I have driven my car over 150,000 miles since I passed! It is freedom, and of course it's not without risks - but those risks apply to other modes of transport too. I think the benefits of driving are worth persevering to overcome, with therapy for anxiety.

The reason you are an anxious driver is because you drive so little.

It is one of those 'confidences' the grow the more you do it.

All those saying 'good for you' are also saying 'hey just let your anxiety rule your life' . Driving is an absolute life skill that you may not have a great need for now - but I promise you , there will be a time when you will be extremely glad you didn't give in to anxiety.

You need to turn 'driving anxiety ' into a named thing . Animate it. It's a technique I was shown when dealing with a particular crippling anxiety in my life.

A good animation for driving anxiety is to give him a male name and a personality. For example.. every time you hear that voice saying 'no don't drive, your no good at it.. pretend it is some awful sexost bloke spouting the usual crap that 'women shouldn't drive, they can't do it and should leave it to the men... then get in that car and drive it EVERYDAY or every other day at the very least. Going a couple miles further every 2 or 3 days .. until you shut that sexist arse up.

If you were 80 ii would say perhaps give up if you afe absolutely sure but definitely not at thirty !!

I’m a driving instructor and am pondering working with a counsellor to offer a service to help anxious drivers. It seems such a shame to make all that effort to pass the test only to give up for something that should be fixable.

Message me if you’d like to be my Guinea pig, we will need one.

@Doyouhonestlyexpectmetobelieve I think you have a massive point there. Driving anxiety seems to be abundant in women but not men, and comes down to the still common theme of man in the relationship drives more than the woman, criticises her driving etc. I think driving is a feminist issue. You can literally drive away from abuse, having a car makes you equal in strength to a man once you’re in it, there are loads of reasons why driving is something vital for women.

Hence given my industry I’m quite passionate that women should feel as able to drive as men do.

@bozzabollix That would be a fantastic service. Particularly in big cities where it’s easy to get away with not driving, and I bet there are lots of people who have a license but don’t use it.

OP I get it, and it’s hard work to overcome the anxiety with what looks like little reward. But there are some things that are only possible if you drive - are you absolutely sure you won’t ever want to do them? Getting DC to football matches, for example - it’s about them, rather than about what you want, and they can’t be in the team if you can’t get them there.

I'm 40 and have never learnt to drive because of my anxiety (plus an absolutely dreadful driving instructor when I was a teenager) people don't understand that I don't want to waste thousands of pounds when I really don't think even if I managed to pass my test I would actually drive anywhere.

Is driving a life skill if you live in London? It feels like one where I live as public transport is shit so it would quite limiting not to drive. If you live in London that's surely not the case? Op has kind of proven that by not using her car...if she'd really needed it she'd have probably used it more and got over her confidence issues.