Sorry, this is a long and a lot of people are involved - I’ll try to stick to the essentials without drip feeding!
I’ve been seeing someone, Carl, for a couple of months now. We get on great, but one thing that does bother me is that he’s very “least said, soonest mended” - no one must ever confront an issue or fight back or “make a fuss”. This is absolutely not me. However, I’ve been trying to stay open-minded, and thought it might not be the worst thing to be with someone who’s naturally calmer and more softly-softly than me.
Carl has lived in this area all his life and has a very well-established friendship group. He told me early on that there are a couple of issues at the moment, one being that a married couple within the group, Tony and Janet, split a few months ago. Carl has known Tony for over 20 years, but actually knew Janet first as they were at school together. Janet is unhappy that he’s trying to stay friends with them both and thinks he should side with her. As such, they haven’t spoken much lately and I haven’t met her.
The other issue is that no one likes his friend Dave’s fiancée, Lisa. Carl said they all find her tactless and overbearing. I hadn’t met her until last night, but one of the women I the group (who I really get on well with) had shared the same opinion, unprompted, on another occasion.
Anyway, last night was Tony’s birthday, and I finally got to meet the (in)famous Lisa. I was talking to someone else when she came over to Carl, who’d been chatting to someone near us. I heard her say “Well, I’m surprised to see you here. I thought you were big friends with Janet. I thought you’d be siding with her”. He was clearly embarrassed and just said it was difficult for everyone and he wanted to try to stay out of it. She was still pushing, saying it was VERY difficult for poor Janet, who did she have on her side etc. I couldn’t hear exactly what Carl replied as I was still in another conversation, but he was massively uncomfortable.
I joined him soon afterwards and asked was he going to let her speak to him like that. He said, “Well now you see what I mean about her. Anyway, let’s just forget it. Don’t you go saying anything either”. I wasn’t happy, but thought we’d just avoid her for the rest of the night.
Anyway, she buttonholed me later and said to me “So what do you think of this whole business with Janet?” I said I hadn’t met her yet, but it was obvious very difficult for people. She replied that she was “just surprised” to see me and Carl there. I was getting riled now, but just said that no one likes getting dragged into other people’s arguments. (Hint fucking hint, Lisa.) She then rather condescendingly said, “Well that’s fine, but I happen to LIKE Janet. I think it’s all very unfair”.
Well, that was the final straw for me. I said, “Well alright then - what are YOU doing here?” She was a bit taken aback and asked what I meant. I said “What I said - why are YOU here? It’s Tony’s birthday - if you’re so unhappy about what’s happened between him and Janet, YOU could have stayed away”. She was spluttering a bit and said that was different; she was here with her partner; Carl hadn’t had to come at all. I said, “Well YOU didn’t have to come either. You’ve got a mind of your own, so maybe you should have decided not to come instead of criticising other people”.
Of course, Carl heard the whole thing and started trying to get me away. We talked outside and I pretty much got the blame for the whole thing - why did I have to say anything, he’d told me to just leave it, people will be talking… I said if he didn’t want to stick up for himself I couldn’t force him, but that I wasn’t going to stand by and meekly listen to that. It was so bloody hypocritical! But no; he was still whinging on about how I’d made a scene, didn’t I know he doesn’t like confrontation… I ended up telling him that he was worried about upsetting everyone other than me, and that maybe for once I could get the benefit of his precious diplomacy. In the end I decided I was going home. Surprise surprise, he was more worried about what his friends would think than about the fact that I felt too annoyed to stay.
We’re supposed to be meeting up tonight. I’ve had a message this morning saying “If you can come over a bit earlier tonight, I’d appreciate it. I think we need a chat about last night”.
WIBU to say I don’t want to chat about it, and would frankly rather call it quits? He’ll be expecting me to apologise, but I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I will always stand up for myself, and if he thinks that’s unacceptable and is more worried about the opinions of others, we’re just not suited.