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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For enjoying a glass of wine again

91 replies

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 26/04/2024 15:03

After 20 years happily married, I feel
my marriage has come to an impasse.
In my 20s I found myself a single parent to 3 children. I also discovered that vodka helped…. A lot. I eventually went to AA and stayed happily sober for 22 years.

I met and married a wonderful recovering alcoholic. His drinking was entirely different from mine, he was violent and very much a “Jekyll and Hide” character, when drinking. He hasn’t had a drink in over 30 years.
I have often questioned whether or not I was a “real”
alcoholic like him but have stayed sober to keep him happy I suppose. Over the years he has gradually stopped any socialising in our home, he attends AA and helps lots of people, whilst I totally understand he needs to do this and his sobriety is everything, I have definitely become lonely and sad, I have hobbies but I’ve realised after a very difficult year that I am not happy. Last year I decided to have a drink on a day out and told him right away. I have since gone on to have a few glasses of wine if out for dinner, a couple of nights out with my kids and can honestly say I dont have any problem
with it. My husband completely agrees, saying I have done nothing wrong,
in fact he says we have had some good nights out a few laughs and our sex Life definitely improved as we have both become very “shy” in that area.
He has now told me that he can’t cope with me drinking, he has been counting how much I drink, ( I’m talking at
the most 4 glasses of wine a week with the occasional bottle when out) and has become obsessed with it.
He says he doesn’t want to live with me unless I stop drinking around him completely, he feels
its threatening his sobriety. I completely respect this, he absolutely cannot drink again so I have agreed to this, however I believe I am sacrificing my own happiness. I have enjoyed having a drink with my grown family, we have had conversations we haven’t had in years, I have had a bit of a social life again which I have not had and we have stopped any form of intimacy. I feel a huge shift between us, I respect where he is coming from but can’t help but think this is his problem, not mine. He says it’s not “what he signed up for” Am I being selfish or am I sacrificing a very small, happy part of my life?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 26/04/2024 15:17

Well it doesn't particularly sound like it's a very small part of your life though! Maybe you need to address why the thought of giving it up is so hard? The levels you are drinking at aren't a lot for many people, however you are a recovering alcoholic and I can see why your DH would be very concerned about this. It sounds like it has escalated for a glass of wine out to 4 at home a week plus a bottle out. Of course you have good conversations/ more out there sex. You've been drinking! It's all fun and games at this point.
And this must be so difficult for him, I can see why he thinks you've moved the goal posts as his own sobriety will be under test because of it.
I understand why you would feel it is compromising your freedom, but we are all allowed to have boundaries and this is obviously his. You have to make a choice here I think.

IfIwasrude · 26/04/2024 15:23

I didn't understand why alcohol is the key to enjoying relationships, sex and a social life. I don't think you're as ok with it as you think you are

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 26/04/2024 15:25

Could you not compromise by only drinking outside the home, when he's not there? It would seem the fairest solution.

I'm assuming you're not rolling back home absolutely wasted, but it doesn't sound like you are. It's not fair of him to say you can't drink, ever. It is fair of him to say he doesn't want you to keep or drink alcohol in your shared home, or get drunk around him though. x

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 26/04/2024 15:28

And I would have thought that with 30 years sobriety, he should have the strength and experience to negotiate and be OK with you having a glass of wine outside the house when he's not even there. This is not an unrealistic expectation of yours.

janefondofu · 26/04/2024 15:30

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 26/04/2024 15:28

And I would have thought that with 30 years sobriety, he should have the strength and experience to negotiate and be OK with you having a glass of wine outside the house when he's not even there. This is not an unrealistic expectation of yours.

You clearly do not understand how hard sobriety is. 30 years of being sober can disappear like that🫰

Pallisers · 26/04/2024 15:35

I have definitely become lonely and sad, I have hobbies but I’ve realised after a very difficult year that I am not happy.

This struck me. You are lonely, sad and unhappy and have decided to drink in response. You did the same when you were young and stressed. I'd try to figure out why you are unhappy - it can't simply be because you aren't drinking. I think the wine is just a bandaid on that.

I can understand his difficulties if he married someone he thought was sober for life and is now drinking at home. A compromise would be that you can have a drink when you are out but don't drink in the home when he is there?

But I think this isn't really about you enjoying an occasional glass of wine - I think you may be avoiding what is really going on.

well done on sorting yourself out all those years ago - that must have been hard

PrincessFionaCharming · 26/04/2024 15:37

I think that neither of you are right or wrong tbh. I don’t really know what the answer is.

But. It does read like there has been an escalation in your drinking. No judgement, I enjoy a wine myself. But I’m just wondering if this is as within your control as you say…

Kindleonfire · 26/04/2024 15:37

Its hard to work out from your post how much of this is that you miss alcohol and how much is thst you are unhappy in your relationship. The fact that you have needed alcohol to socialise, have meaningful conversations and sex doesn't sound very good TBH. For you or your relationship.

Karatema · 26/04/2024 15:55

I don't think you are being honest with yourself. You sound like a friend of mine, who is an alcoholic, "I only had ………", the problem is they conveniently forget half the amount of alcohol they've drunk in the last 12 hours! There's always an excuse; I was with family, I was socialising, I was feeling stressed. When they are being "good" (the word they use when no alcohol is involved) none of us drink anything with alcohol so that excuse is negated.

OliveWah · 26/04/2024 16:49

Let's be clear here:

You are asking if YABU to consider divorcing your husband because you can't bear the thought of not being able to drink alcohol.

As an alcoholic in recovery for 11 years myself, I think this just proves that you are powerless over alcohol, and should not be drinking at all.

I'm sorry it's not the answer the little alcoholic voice inside your head wants to hear, but you need to admit to yourself what's happening; your addiction is trying to pull you back in.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 26/04/2024 16:52

janefondofu · 26/04/2024 15:30

You clearly do not understand how hard sobriety is. 30 years of being sober can disappear like that🫰

Show quote history

I do, I am a recovering alcoholic myself.

It is incredibly hard and takes a huge amount of work, energy and active engagement to maintain. I know, I do it myself everyday. But employing strategies to deal with the world around you, as it is, which includes alcohol in supermarkets and people you know drinking occasionally, is part of recovery. And yes I maintain that someone that has had 30 years of maintaining a successful sobriety strategy, negotiating all the drink dangers in our society for three decades, should be as well equipped as anyone can be to deal with a spouse having a glass of wine outside the house and not in their presence.

Elephantswillnever · 26/04/2024 16:59

I have to say that I think it’s kind of selfish of him to insist on you being permanently sober. I don’t generally drink but if I wanted one then I’d expect to be able to make my own decisions regarding alcohol. I’d say it was more reasonable if he asked you not to drink around him/ at home if he can’t cope.

I have found myself sucked into drinking too much so I tend to bc avoid booze. I’d have a glass or three of fizz on special occasions though.

BoohooWoohoo · 26/04/2024 17:12

I think that you are using alcohol to mask your unhappiness again but in this case, it’s providing you an excuse to pretend that your marriage is fine. It sounds like you’ve grown apart and drinking is prolonging the end.
I can see how your h would struggle with you drinking and have obsessive thoughts about how much you drink but at the end of the day, it’s up to you how much you drink. You can split with someone for whatever reason - a lot of dilemmas on this site centre around whether something is a good enough reason to split.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 26/04/2024 17:17

Slippery slope, imo. I agree with a pp that it sounds like you are seeking out alcohol as an escape from problems with your relationship. I think that if you left him because you want to be allowed to drink, then a) that shows you are not as recovered as you think and b) there would be a danger that being free from the restraint he's trying to put you under would make you ramp up the drinking because you'd suddenly feel free to drink with impunity.

Allfur · 26/04/2024 17:21

Would it help to reintroduce socialising in your home, a recovering alcoholic should be able to cope with that

MidnightPatrol · 26/04/2024 17:29

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 26/04/2024 15:28

And I would have thought that with 30 years sobriety, he should have the strength and experience to negotiate and be OK with you having a glass of wine outside the house when he's not even there. This is not an unrealistic expectation of yours.

He’s an alcoholic.

LSGX · 26/04/2024 17:39

You say you are feeling sad and lonely.

You might feel bored that there is no socialising at home any more.

You might feel neglected that your husband is out at AA a lot, helping other people - when you are feeling sad and lonely.

So you've started drinking again. Your old coping mechanism.

By drinking alcohol you have blown off the old neural pathways and revived your addiction.

This voice - this part of you who wants to drink and is asking us to give you permission - is the addicted part of you.

You'll do whatever you're going to do but my strongest feeling is that you and your husband need to address the problems in your marriage that cause you to feel sad and lonely. The drinking is a symptom of your being sad and lonely - but unless you stop it will NOT end here. You are risking your marriage and, as someone who has previously experienced issues with alcohol, your mental and physical health.

I am sending you love and good wishes and would strongly encourage you to get yourselves in front of a good relationships counsellor to work this through.

If you find it hard to stop again Soberistas is a fantastic resource.

LoveWine · 26/04/2024 17:54

The fact that alcohol has given a new meaning to your life and has made you happier says a lot. You need to decide whether going down that path again is worth it. From what your husband says you are likely to lose him over this - you are the only one who can decide if you are ok with this. I would advise you to look for the real reasons you are unhappy and work on those rather than using drinking as some sort of solution to your unhappiness. It has not worked in the past for you and it will not work now.

Allfur · 26/04/2024 17:57

MidnightPatrol · 26/04/2024 17:29

He’s an alcoholic.

Show quote history

Plenty of alcoholics are able to do that

Doseofreality · 26/04/2024 17:57

I suppose it all comes down to who / what you love more - your husband or wine?

category12 · 26/04/2024 18:00

Don't you think it's incredibly worrying that alcohol means so much to you socially and emotionally?

Seems to me that the alcoholic isn't just him and you're fooling yourself so you can relapse.

VyeBrator · 26/04/2024 18:02

Sex is better
Socialising is better
Conversations are better

Alcohol really shouldn't change things that much OP, I can see why he's worried.

Could be a slippery slope until you're drinking because 'everything' seems better.

5128gap · 26/04/2024 18:05

Gently, but I think it is your problem as well. You and drink have history. You went to AA. You were in recovery. Now your language has red flags. You were not after all 'a real alcoholic' like him, apparantly. You use 'enjoy your life' as a euphemism for drinking, and speak as though drinking is a prequesisit for enjoyment. You are even considering putting 'a few drinks' ahead of continuing to be married. Please be careful OP. Because your DH is right, sobriety is everything.

TonTonMacoute · 26/04/2024 18:06

If you need the odd glass of wine not to feel sad and lonely then the problem is much deeper than him just not liking you drinking. You need to identify the real problem and address that.

Allfur · 26/04/2024 18:09

Isn't the problem already identified?

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