For enjoying a glass of wine again

[Funnierthantheaveragemum]

After 20 years happily married, I feel
my marriage has come to an impasse.
In my 20s I found myself a single parent to 3 children. I also discovered that vodka helped…. A lot. I eventually went to AA and stayed happily sober for 22 years.

I met and married a wonderful recovering alcoholic. His drinking was entirely different from mine, he was violent and very much a “Jekyll and Hide” character, when drinking. He hasn’t had a drink in over 30 years.
I have often questioned whether or not I was a “real”
alcoholic like him but have stayed sober to keep him happy I suppose. Over the years he has gradually stopped any socialising in our home, he attends AA and helps lots of people, whilst I totally understand he needs to do this and his sobriety is everything, I have definitely become lonely and sad, I have hobbies but I’ve realised after a very difficult year that I am not happy. Last year I decided to have a drink on a day out and told him right away. I have since gone on to have a few glasses of wine if out for dinner, a couple of nights out with my kids and can honestly say I dont have any problem
with it. My husband completely agrees, saying I have done nothing wrong,
in fact he says we have had some good nights out a few laughs and our sex Life definitely improved as we have both become very “shy” in that area.
He has now told me that he can’t cope with me drinking, he has been counting how much I drink, ( I’m talking at
the most 4 glasses of wine a week with the occasional bottle when out) and has become obsessed with it.
He says he doesn’t want to live with me unless I stop drinking around him completely, he feels
its threatening his sobriety. I completely respect this, he absolutely cannot drink again so I have agreed to this, however I believe I am sacrificing my own happiness. I have enjoyed having a drink with my grown family, we have had conversations we haven’t had in years, I have had a bit of a social life again which I have not had and we have stopped any form of intimacy. I feel a huge shift between us, I respect where he is coming from but can’t help but think this is his problem, not mine. He says it’s not “what he signed up for” Am I being selfish or am I sacrificing a very small, happy part of my life?

Thank you, I’m good, I obviously have lots to think about from everyone’s comments, mainly seeing me as a rip roaring alcoholic that doesn’t care a jot about my DH and all
we have together, which definitely is not the case otherwise I would have gone years ago.

I totally respect what he has said, hence why I haven’t had a drink around him at all, in fact I haven’t had a drink since. Not because I feel
I have a problem, I just don’t want to worry him
any more than he has. If I feel like having a few glasses when out without him, I shall, if I don’t then I won’t. I am fully aware of the dangers and shall remain vigilant, thanks so much for thinking about me ☺️

I didn’t get past this brilliant post with which I wholehearted agree. I’m 2.5 years sober and every word you write OP made me think you’ve slipped back into old ways. I hope you sort things out OP ❤️

Congratulations on ur 2.5 years that is quite an accomplishment and thank you for hoping I sort things out. I really didn’t elaborate much on my “old ways” so
finding it quite disappointing that you and so many others seem able to make such a judgemental decisions about me. I don’t believe I have alcoholism, the very definition of the disease is being powerless over alcohol, being unable to control intake and putting alcohol above everything else. This is not what is happening my life. I simply came here to ask if people thought my husband or I were being unreasonable and instead I have been given so many judgements on my behaviour. I suppose I did open myself up to that so my bad, however please think before you make judgement, the post u have quoted states “come back here when you are back on a bottle of vodka a day and have lost everything” at no point did I say I drank a bottle of vodka a day, because at no point did I do this nor anywhere near it… the pp made this assumption and decided to belittle me I’ve decided not to answer that post that u wholeheartedly agree with, because it’s cruel and judgmental, without knowing the full picture. I have taken on board some of the opinions here, I’ll take what I like and leave the rest, but Please, everyone that has been cruel in this thread, have a thought for how ur words make people feel.

I don’t believe I have alcoholism, the very definition of the disease is being powerless over alcohol, being unable to control intake and putting alcohol above everything else.

Yet. You speak as if a real alcoholic will have a sip of alcohol and turn into a raving demon obsessed with drinking until they are face down in a gutter. The progression is usually slower and subtler when people return to drinking, and kid themselves they don't have a problem.

What you saw as cruel was people speaking from bitter experience and trying to wake you up from your defensiveness and denial. Also, your blaming of your husband for watching your intake, as if he's the one with the problem (while you are being perfectly reasonable).

He married a non drinker, who was in recovery.

You have moved the goalposts
You have decided to opt out sobriety
You have made a choice which could impact on his sobriety

I am not sure he is dealing with things in the best way, but I don't blame him for protecting his sobriety.

People don't go to AA and then stay off booze for 22 years for no bloody reason.

Alcoholics are never cured.

Where did I say this is what a “real
alcoholic” is??

Two glasses four times a week plus a bottle. That's three or four bottles a week. 10 units per bottle, 30-40 units per week.

Recommended limit is 14 units. Yes, OP, you have a problem.

agree with this and came here to say the same

The priblem is YOU are wnjoying drinking again but yiur DH isnt enjoying you drinking

He can see that you can easily slip back into it and so can he

I have recently stopped drinking as i cant drink with my illness. Im not sure ill go back to it once I am better. I quite like the clarity of thought.
I drank too much (not an alcoholic) but definitely too much

I can't stand my Dh drinking now though i find him really irritating when he does. Could this be your issue?

@Funnierthantheaveragemum I am genuinely sorry if you felt I was cruel in my previous posts, it certainly wasn't my intention. I also apologise for saying "when you're back to a bottle of vodka a day", as you say; you never said how much vodka you drank, only that "it helped, a lot".

I posted because what you had written really resonated with me. It's eerily similar to the arguments by addictive brain has with my recovery brain, inside my head when things are tough and my brain is trying to lock in on something that will help.

I posted because if any other alcoholic I know (and I know a fair few) had written your OP, it would be because they were trying to justify reactivating their addiction.

I posted in good faith, because as someone in recovery, your post read to me like a cry for help.

I will bow out now as I did not intend to upset you, but I hope you can understand that the other PPs and I are not trying to be cruel, but are simply trying to help you.

I would be interested to know what would happen if you tried changing the things that have been making you unhappy but without the alcohol.

For example if you invited friends round. No drinking involved. Would your DH be unhappy about that?

I am not sure whether this is genuinely about the drinking threatening his sobriety or about him wanting you in the little box he’s got you in.

I have often questioned whether or not I was a “real” alcoholic like him

Hi OP, I’m just jumping in here not specifically about you, but because this sentence really struck me and I wanted to express my thoughts/experience with it for anyone else who might read this thread. If it is useful for you as well then that’s a bonus.

I grew up with an alcoholic father. A fully addicted, unable and unwilling to operate without alcohol kind of alcoholic. Think hiding spirits around the house - as a child I regularly found glasses of vodka behind the curtains, bottles of gin in the laundry basket etc.

This gave me a very extreme view of what alcoholism is. To me, anything less than this couldn’t be alcoholism. It wasn’t until I was much older and my now dh pointed out that my mum & my sister had a terrible relationship with alcohol and he didn’t ever want to drink with them that I began to consider there are more nuances to it. Initially I was offended because I thought he was accusing them of being like my dad (who died before I met dh), and that there was no way because “I knew what real alcoholism looked like”. He then pointed out how they can’t go a day without drinking, they’re aggressive when they drink, and sometimes they lose control entirely.

It took that outside perspective to recognise that alcoholism is a huge range of alcohol-related conditions, and just because I’d seen an extreme version first hand, it didn’t mean that the other versions didn’t exist.

Like I said, OP, I’m not saying you’re an alcoholic, but just wanted to say this in case it resonates with anyone else out there who had that fairly blinkered view of alcoholism that I used to have.

I suspect the reason your husband wants you to quit drinking is because he knows you are an alcoholic in denial. My DH has been sober for more than 30 yrs but he's ok with me having the odd drink.

However, I have no interest in drinking so only tend to have a small glass when joining in celebratory events, such as a wedding toast.

Ask yourself, why do you want to drink that glass of wine? If you drink to change the way you are feeling, then you're probably also an alcoholic and he's right to be worried.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, it's just a new dynamic in the relationship and might mean you have to make a choice if it means you're no longer compatible.

Your husband has the right to say this is a red line for him.

As would you if say he suddenly decided to take up smoking or some other new behaviour that might be a hard no for you.

Jesus, have you not heard of a metaphor before?