Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

For enjoying a glass of wine again

91 replies

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 26/04/2024 15:03

After 20 years happily married, I feel
my marriage has come to an impasse.
In my 20s I found myself a single parent to 3 children. I also discovered that vodka helped…. A lot. I eventually went to AA and stayed happily sober for 22 years.

I met and married a wonderful recovering alcoholic. His drinking was entirely different from mine, he was violent and very much a “Jekyll and Hide” character, when drinking. He hasn’t had a drink in over 30 years.
I have often questioned whether or not I was a “real”
alcoholic like him but have stayed sober to keep him happy I suppose. Over the years he has gradually stopped any socialising in our home, he attends AA and helps lots of people, whilst I totally understand he needs to do this and his sobriety is everything, I have definitely become lonely and sad, I have hobbies but I’ve realised after a very difficult year that I am not happy. Last year I decided to have a drink on a day out and told him right away. I have since gone on to have a few glasses of wine if out for dinner, a couple of nights out with my kids and can honestly say I dont have any problem
with it. My husband completely agrees, saying I have done nothing wrong,
in fact he says we have had some good nights out a few laughs and our sex Life definitely improved as we have both become very “shy” in that area.
He has now told me that he can’t cope with me drinking, he has been counting how much I drink, ( I’m talking at
the most 4 glasses of wine a week with the occasional bottle when out) and has become obsessed with it.
He says he doesn’t want to live with me unless I stop drinking around him completely, he feels
its threatening his sobriety. I completely respect this, he absolutely cannot drink again so I have agreed to this, however I believe I am sacrificing my own happiness. I have enjoyed having a drink with my grown family, we have had conversations we haven’t had in years, I have had a bit of a social life again which I have not had and we have stopped any form of intimacy. I feel a huge shift between us, I respect where he is coming from but can’t help but think this is his problem, not mine. He says it’s not “what he signed up for” Am I being selfish or am I sacrificing a very small, happy part of my life?

OP posts:

Ellie525 · 26/04/2024 18:09

I can see both sides, altho am leaning more towards DH on this one sorry 😬
Hes right that you've changed the goalposts and ina way that really threatens something hes worked so hard for (30yrs is an incredible amount of time for an alcoholic!).

And only you really know if you have a problem or not I guess...

If he agreed to you only having a drink ourside the home occasionally could you stick to that? Would it make you go out more often just so you could have a drink?

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 26/04/2024 18:10

I don’t like being around my close loved ones when they’ve been drinking, it changes them and I don’t like it. It’s a boundary for me and I need people to respect it. Your husband should be entitled to his boundaries around alcohol too. I agree with PPs you should negotiate your boundaries with him. For example, if you’ve been drinking you respect that he doesn’t spend time with you, you stay in separate rooms. And you don’t bring alcohol into the house.

category12 · 26/04/2024 18:11

And only you really know if you have a problem or not I guess...

Addicts are pretty well-known for minimisation and denial.

AgnesX · 26/04/2024 18:13

Allfur · 26/04/2024 17:57

Plenty of alcoholics are able to do that

Show quote history

But plenty can't and it's back to square 1.

Original poster

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 26/04/2024 18:18

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 26/04/2024 15:25

Could you not compromise by only drinking outside the home, when he's not there? It would seem the fairest solution.

I'm assuming you're not rolling back home absolutely wasted, but it doesn't sound like you are. It's not fair of him to say you can't drink, ever. It is fair of him to say he doesn't want you to keep or drink alcohol in your shared home, or get drunk around him though. x

Yes this is what I’ve said im
happy doing, and I am. The thing is tho, as I haven’t socialised in such a long time, I really don’t go out anywhere without him, I will admit I love holidaying with him but he has said I’ve not to drink on a holiday, with him. Doesn’t really leave me any option to have a glass
or
two at all.

OP posts:

LoveWine · 26/04/2024 18:26

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 26/04/2024 18:18

Show quote history

So what you are looking for here is for other people to rationalise it for you and to tell you your husband is wrong?

Original poster

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 26/04/2024 18:30

Ellie525 · 26/04/2024 18:09

And only you really know if you have a problem or not I guess...

If he agreed to you only having a drink ourside the home occasionally could you stick to that? Would it make you go out more often just so you could have a drink?

I honestly don’t believe I have a problem, he says the same he doesn’t believe I have one either, however I respect it’s affecting him. I haven’t had anything to drink in weeks, I’m not obsessing or finding ways to go out and drink, but I am looking at practicalities, I live in quite a rural
setting, we both drive, but clearly limits any drinking I can do outwith. Im
absolutely happy not
to drink in our home, but did think I would be “allowed” to enjoy a few glasses of wine if we were on holiday for example, but he says no. I’m feeling controlled in a way because I’m no longer happy to sit at home crocheting my life away, he says he can’t become any more tactile or romantic, I’m realising after all these years I’ve sacrificed lots of who I am, he has stopped the visitors, the nights out with family, way before I had a drink again, this is what has made me
lonely and sad, having a drink has encouraged me to pick up
with my family and have a bit of a social life again. I also
want to say no one in my family ever thought I had a problem, now or then

OP posts:

SpiritOfEcstasy · 26/04/2024 18:31

I am in a similar situation OP. However I am the person in recovery and my DH continues to drink alcohol. I believe that he is an alcoholic, he doesn’t. I have set boundaries in place regarding my DDs - he is not their biological Father - however he resents being restricted in any way. We do not live together so he is able to drink alcohol in his own space/time however it has become an issue. He perceives this as my prioritising my children’s wishes over his choices. Being in recovery is hard. If you worked your twelve steps when you were sober yourself, you will know that it’s said that anything placed before sobriety will be lost. If it’s a straight choice between alcohol and your DH, will you choose alcohol? I think my DH might …

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 26/04/2024 18:34

It sounds very much like you have a problem to be honest, you are looking for any justification to pacify your drinking. I think what your husband has said is fair, given he has been sober for 30 years and you know he's a violent drunk. I think you are an alcoholic, and I think you will find yourself drinking more and more. Your DH is entitled to protect himself from the risks you're putting in front of him.

category12 · 26/04/2024 18:39

If your husband is controlling and limits your social life, happiness and doesn't fulfil your emotional needs, those are reasons to leave him.

But not a licence to drink.

That alcohol has such a transformative power for you, just really says you have an alcohol problem.

You should be able to socialise and have fun without a drink in your hand.

Home1mprov3ments · 26/04/2024 18:39

It seems a bit of a red flag to me that you feel your social life has improved because of drinking.

4x a week seems like a problem for an alcoholic.

OliveWah · 26/04/2024 18:43

I think you came here looking for this:

"You're not an alcoholic, your DH is being ridiculous, of course you should be able to drink as and when you want and we totally understand that you can't possibly be happy without alcohol, so go on - crack open that bottle!"

But instead you are getting lots of people, many very experienced in this area, warning you that what is happening is that you have awakened your addiction again by drinking, and it's desperate to be fed, which is driving you to believe that life without alcohol is shit. Which we all know is simply not true.

If you really think you're "cured" (and for the record, I don't believe addiction can be cured, only managed), then it won't hurt to go and speak to a trained addiction counsellor and get their take on it, will it?

Come back and let us know what they say (when they say exactly the same as the rest of us). Or don't, and come back in 18 months when you're back to a bottle of vodka a day and have lost everything.

Honestly, I really, really hope you get some help, I know how hard it is to be in recovery and the thought of starting over is miserable, but nowhere near as miserable as being an active alcoholic again. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

INeedToClingToSomething · 26/04/2024 18:44

"I’m realising after all these years I’ve sacrificed lots of who I am, he has stopped the visitors, the nights out with family, way before I had a drink again, this is what has made me
lonely and sad, "

This is more worrying. Why has he stopped the visitors and nights out with family? This sounds very controlling and I am not surprised this has made you lonely and sad.

I have chronic health issues and completely understand how hard it is to pick up "lost" relationships with friends and family when you become distanced and that alcohol can be a but if crutch to make this easier but with your background I would be very careful about starting life that road.

I think there are multiple issues here which complicates things:

your DH isolating you
your DH doing his socialising with others outside the home, thereby further isolating you
your loss and need to reestablish relationships
your alcohol use.

Personally I would try to look at 1 and 2 first. Why is this happening, can it be changed, do you need to leave him?

Then consider 3 & 4, but taking up alcohol seems like a patch or crutch to cover up the loneliness and sadness caused by 1 & 2. And drinking because you are lonely and sad is never a good idea.

rollmop · 26/04/2024 18:47

What you've said in your last message doesn't tally with your first message so you must see why people are confused.

So you have 4 glasses a week and a bottle when out, and your dh is obsessed with monitoring your alcohol.

But, you never go out, don't drink in the house, haven't had alcohol for weeks, so what's he monitoring?

I don't think this is fixable to be honest. It sounds like you're not compatible really and I think if he's recognised you drinking as a risk to his sobriety then he's right to avoid that at all costs. You don't need to stay though if your marriage is making you unhappy.

SwoopingIsBad · 26/04/2024 19:09

Four glasses of wine over a week and maybe a bottle when out sounds like quite a lot for someone who was sober until recently.

Drinking escalates very quickly when you have a problematic relationship with alcohol.

I think your husband is afraid, not only for his sobriety, but for yours too.

I think it's perfectly fair for him to ask you not to drink when you're on holiday with him. I think it's perfectly fair for him to ask you not to drink at all, tbh.

Maybe you value having a drink with your friends and family more than the quiet life you had. If so, I would be concerned that it's not just an excuse to keep drinking, but maybe you've just grown apart.

Thingsthatgo · 26/04/2024 19:17

It might be that you need to leave your relationship, if you are unhappy. It will not be fixed by being able to have a glass of wine on holiday.
I do think that it is reasonable of your DH to say please don't drink alcohol in front of me because it is triggering. When you got together and for many many years that was the status quo.

Workawayxx · 26/04/2024 19:33

I think he isn’t being unreasonable to ask you not to drink around him. However, he sounds quite controlling in other ways - limiting your social life etc. I’d agree to not drink when he’s there (even if that means no opportunities to enjoy a couple of glasses) but work on other ways to create happiness in your life in your way not just crocheting at home because that makes him happy. What would your ideal life look like? How could you achieve that or at least work towards it?

Original poster

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 26/04/2024 19:34

rollmop · 26/04/2024 18:47

What you've said in your last message doesn't tally with your first message so you must see why people are confused.

So you have 4 glasses a week and a bottle when out, and your dh is obsessed with monitoring your alcohol.

But, you never go out, don't drink in the house, haven't had alcohol for weeks, so what's he monitoring?

I’m sorry, my timeline is perhaps a little mixed up in the telling. I was drinking as I said in my original post at most two glasses maybe 4 x per week and sometimes a bottle
of wine if out. My husband was ok with this, then he told me he wasn’t so I haven’t had anything to drink at all since then, about three weeks ago.

OP posts:

fungipie · 26/04/2024 19:36

Doseofreality · 26/04/2024 17:57

I suppose it all comes down to who / what you love more - your husband or wine?

and if you are talking about a glass, or a bottle, or two

Original poster

Funnierthantheaveragemum · 26/04/2024 19:37

Thank you everyone for your candid responses, given me lots to think about

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 26/04/2024 19:49

Over the years he has gradually stopped any socialising in our home

You mean you're not allowed anyone over?

He sounds generally controlling.

I have about 4 glasses of wine a week. I like them. I'm not an alcoholic. I wouldn't appreciate being diagnosed as one by a bunch of people on the Internet! I'd be inclined to say OK... don't live here then.

TonTonMacoute · 26/04/2024 19:55

GabriellaMontez · 26/04/2024 19:49

Over the years he has gradually stopped any socialising in our home

You mean you're not allowed anyone over?

He sounds generally controlling.

I'm not an alcoholic

No, so you’re not really comparing like with like then, are you.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 26/04/2024 19:59

I can see it from both sides.
Can you just drink when you go out? It seems the alcohol is creeping up a bit?

Are you happy with him? You seem so sad?

category12 · 26/04/2024 20:01

GabriellaMontez · 26/04/2024 19:49

Over the years he has gradually stopped any socialising in our home

You mean you're not allowed anyone over?

He sounds generally controlling.

She's not being "diagnosed" over the internet - she's the one who used alcohol as a crutch, decided she had such a problem with her drinking that she needed to go to AA and then went sober for 22 years. 🙄

She has a history of problem drinking/alcoholism and now she's decided having a few glasses of wine is what makes the difference between a social life & happiness and misery & boredom- and that doesn't scream she has a problem to you?

GabriellaMontez · 26/04/2024 20:16

Op says she's not an alcoholic. Her husband agrees.

And yet, people here are certain that her 4 glasses of wine a week, make her an alcoholic 🙄 🤔

Flip

1 2 3 4