For enjoying a glass of wine again

[Funnierthantheaveragemum]

After 20 years happily married, I feel
my marriage has come to an impasse.
In my 20s I found myself a single parent to 3 children. I also discovered that vodka helped…. A lot. I eventually went to AA and stayed happily sober for 22 years.

I met and married a wonderful recovering alcoholic. His drinking was entirely different from mine, he was violent and very much a “Jekyll and Hide” character, when drinking. He hasn’t had a drink in over 30 years.
I have often questioned whether or not I was a “real”
alcoholic like him but have stayed sober to keep him happy I suppose. Over the years he has gradually stopped any socialising in our home, he attends AA and helps lots of people, whilst I totally understand he needs to do this and his sobriety is everything, I have definitely become lonely and sad, I have hobbies but I’ve realised after a very difficult year that I am not happy. Last year I decided to have a drink on a day out and told him right away. I have since gone on to have a few glasses of wine if out for dinner, a couple of nights out with my kids and can honestly say I dont have any problem
with it. My husband completely agrees, saying I have done nothing wrong,
in fact he says we have had some good nights out a few laughs and our sex Life definitely improved as we have both become very “shy” in that area.
He has now told me that he can’t cope with me drinking, he has been counting how much I drink, ( I’m talking at
the most 4 glasses of wine a week with the occasional bottle when out) and has become obsessed with it.
He says he doesn’t want to live with me unless I stop drinking around him completely, he feels
its threatening his sobriety. I completely respect this, he absolutely cannot drink again so I have agreed to this, however I believe I am sacrificing my own happiness. I have enjoyed having a drink with my grown family, we have had conversations we haven’t had in years, I have had a bit of a social life again which I have not had and we have stopped any form of intimacy. I feel a huge shift between us, I respect where he is coming from but can’t help but think this is his problem, not mine. He says it’s not “what he signed up for” Am I being selfish or am I sacrificing a very small, happy part of my life?

I'm an alky and haven't drunk for two years, so way less sober time under my belt than you so I don't want to come across as patronising. I think that I could probably moderate. For a while. But moderate drinking would awaken the old familiar neural pathways, the dopamine rush will slowly but surely shut the dopamine receptors down until I'm back to drinking at the levels I was before to get the same rush. Fat, depressed, ill, anxious, ruin everything I've achieved. I don't think anyone can resume normal drinking after problem drinking because the brain never forgets the pleasure that alcohol brings. All the hard work I've done to rewire my brain will be undone. I don't think it matters whether you've been sober for three years or thirty years: we're playing with fire. I think you may be unconsciously relying on the old faithful booze that your brain remembers so well, you're romanticising it and seeing it as a solution to your problems. When in fact, what's in your glass doesn't define you, you can be sociable and happy without it and you may just need to look at your relationship. I could be talking utter bollocks of course and you may be in the tiny minority who's brain is washed clean and you're like a sensible person who's never been addicted. I hope so

I don't think its the amount. I think its the OP's comment that stopping drinking sacrifices her own happiness. I think the OP needs to get clear in her own mind whether its her life with her partner...the being left alone while he does his own thing and the not socialising at home.....or the not drinking as a separate issue, that is making the OP unhappy. I am speaking from the outside. I don't have an issue with alcohol and never have but my husband had a job where for months at a time he couldn't drink alcohol for safety reasons. We were in a situation where no alcohol was available so i didn't drink either. When we returned to the UK for leave, then we enjoyed alcohol but our relationship didn't change. I suspect that alcohol is neither the problem not the solution here.

This. "I think you may be unconsciously relying on the old faithful booze that your brain remembers so well, you're romanticising it and seeing it as a solution to your problems. When in fact, what's in your glass doesn't define you, you can be sociable and happy without it and you may just need to look at your relationship."

firstly I don’t know if you have an issue with alcohol but I think you need to take a big step back and be honest if you do.
if you have an issue with alcohol none of this thread matters really because that is the thing you need to look at with an honest eye just like you did all those years ago
I’m someone who had an issue years ago when my life was very different and difficult so stopped for a while but for the last 20 years has been able to drink usually half a bottle of red on a sat night with dinner without it being a problem or to excess which may be similar to you but maybe not. If I was using it as a crutch or it became a more regular occurrence I’d immediately stop again. I even al these years later keep an eye on myself just in case.

Let’s take drink out of the equation for a second. You seem to have used this a way to gain confidence to change things that you weren’t happy with but I don’t necessarily see it as the only issue.

you felt lonely and isolated but now you don’t because you have made changes in those areas but you seem to be equating the most recent changes in your happiness with the alcohol but isn’t it actually the being out or socialising and connections to friends and family again? If you had these things without the alcohol would you still feel the need for the alcohol.

to cover other areas mentioned.

its your choice to drink but it’s just as much his choice to not want to be around it so you have to decide what you want more or you BOTH need to decide a rule that lands somewhere in the middle like you can have a glass when out with friends but not in the house with him or something.

holidays, again he shouldn’t have to be forced to be around it but equally if you fancy a cocktail in the sun you should be able to have it but does that need to be a holiday with him? Could you do a break once a year with your children or friends instead?

ultimately though I see the problem is that you married an alcoholic as a sober person and now you have significantly changed the goalposts.
he thought things were one way and now they are in fact the opposite so he within his rights to not want to be associated with that.
the other side though is that this is your life and you should be able to live it however you want but that might mean the consequences of that is that you don’t have a marriage anymore.

can I ask though @Funnierthantheaveragemum taking this specific issue out of it are you happy in your marriage? Is this actually a symptom that things with you both are not ok and if that’s the case is there a way for you both to work on things together (because it does take two people to make a marriage work) so you both are happy together again?

I am a recovered addict.
But I am not one that advocates for or has ever attended NA. Don’t agree with the tenets, the higher power or endless recounting use horror stories like a dry drunk high. I have never had issues maintaining control over my sobriety for over thirty years. So I am not going to beat you with a “ once an alcoholic…if you need alcohol….if you can’t have fun with out…” . They’ve all been said or will be. You know you now, or you should, if this is a problem for you. If not, do some more therapy.

BUT.

I also accept that for some folk sticking to the path, the culture and the lifestyle AA/ NA offers becomes a very necessary thing to navigate life. Your OH ‘s behaviour on alcohol sounds enough to have firmly fixed his path, and if he was a violent drunk - good on him. He’s probably justifiably scared of what would happen if he slips. And maybe you should be too.( don’t know, but worth considering).
But it’s more than a choice for some. AA and its tenets become a religion and that religion has rules. I think this is what you are seeing here. He’s watching you drink very closely- waaaay to closely and I would bet big money this is not about you, but out of concern for his own hold on his sobriety.
( did he ever do independent therapy aside from AA ?- sometimes people don’t and they should).

If this was seen as not being about policing you, but holding onto his own alcohol free space - I’d stop at home completely if you want to remain married to a sober non- violent individual. And do some marriage counselling or private counselling to get to the cause of why you are posting. There’s a problem here, I just think your odd drinks here and these are masking it.

x

I think 4 glasses of wine every week as a minimum is quite a lot. Drinking occasionally on a night out sounds a reasonable compromise but it’s not magically going to make you happy and the fact you think it is does sound like you have a worrying relationship with alcohol.

But not all.

Have the zero alcohol versions of the drinks you like.

Once and alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

It seems your husband is the only one of you who understands this.

Nothing about you is cured. It’s just been dormant.

Absolutely this.

His sobriety is his responsibility. Nothing to do with you.

well true but the OP has to decide if she will accept that that means the relationship is over.

I’m 4 years sober and this post resonates so much with me.

OP, you’re still thinking like an alcoholic. Bored, lonely, sad? Alcohol will make things better!

I wouldn’t throw away a good, long term relationship and sober life for a few glasses of wine.

this, said much better than I did

This sums it perfectly! I’m absolutely able to look at my life and be responsible, reasonable and accountable for my actions, he admits he absolutely is in the wrong for my drinking to be something he is watching. Because of all of those things you said. He also appreciates that I have said I won’t drink in our home or with him, we both want it to work. Thank you for your informed words, means a lot.

You’re welcome.
I’m deliberately not reading any other posts on your thread because I know the spiel.
People don’t see many non AA/ NA people because we just get the fuck on with it, and no one tends to believe there is any other way other the extremes the acronyms offer.
Balance in all things if you can. If you can’t , it’s your responsibility to find what works. And if that’s AA, great !

(Have a look, if you haven’t at a book called Chasing the Scream by Jonathan Hari. It offers alternate perspectives along the lines of what I am saying and what you are as well. )

good luck.

Oh, the old glass of wine...

Lost count of the funerals I've attended that began with a nice glass of red.

Actually I think UABU. You know he finds it difficult when you drink, especially after being sober for so long. Alcohol is not the be all and end all of enjoying yourself and there are now lot of alcohol free options available.

I was married to a man who had been told not to drink alcohol because of the medications he was taking, so I stopped drinking alcohol as well. Then it became obvious he was drinking anyway and he was a complete arse, so I got rid of him. However my point is that if you love him and want to support him you will be willing not to drink alcohol. Unless of course you have a bigger problem with alcohol than you are admitting and it is more important to you than he is?

I also discovered that vodka helped…. A lot. I eventually went to AA and stayed happily sober for 22 years.
I met and married a wonderful recovering alcoholic.

I have often questioned whether or not I was a “real” alcoholic like him

From my understanding of this, you went to AA and gave up alcohol before you met him?

Honestly, it sounds a little like you are an alcoholic, but because maybe you weren't as "bad" as him, you are using that to rationalise that you actually aren't an alcoholic.

I have definitely become lonely and sad, I have hobbies but I’ve realised after a very difficult year that I am not happy. I have since gone on to have a few glasses of wine if out for dinner

Drinking won't change any of this, and I find it odd that you've connected them.
If you aren't happy in your relationship, then you need to address that separately.

I’m so sorry OP.

It sounds like a slippery slope back to alcoholism to me too.

Wine shouldn’t be making such a huge difference to your life. It isn’t as wonderful as all that - it doesn’t make social, emotional and sex life suddenly better.

It shouldn’t seem so unthinkable to give it up that you think it’s work throwing the marriage away for it

It also sounds like there are issues with the marriage more generally- such as you are feeling lonely and sad - and you’re using alcohol to deal with these.

It must be very difficult dealing with all of this, and I’m sorry not to be able to post the advice you wanted. I also think this differentiation between vodka and wine isn’t helpful.

He says it’s not “what he signed up for”

This is precisely the problem. Whether or not you and he made a solemn vow when you married that you would each stay sober and take responsibility for your own sobriety, and protect each other's sobriety, or not - this was an implicit part of the bargain when you married/partnered up with a man who was in AA when you were also a member of AA.

Now you are placing his sobriety and hence his life at risk because you fancy yourself as a "social drinker".

Maybe you are a social drinker, but that is not what he signed up for. And the fact you would consider gambling away what you have for a few cheeky glasses (or bottles) of wine every week shows how far your paths have diverged.

There's so much rationalisation and justification in your posts. I agree with a previous poster:

Honestly, it sounds a little like you are an alcoholic, but because maybe you weren't as "bad" as him, you are using that to rationalise that you actually aren't an alcoholic.

I don’t think many people end up in AA because their drinking ‘wasn’t that bad’. Granted, there is always an alcoholic who was ‘worse’ than you. But YOU got sober for a reason? What was that reason?

My DH has been sober for 22 years. He doesn’t mind me drinking.

Are you an alcoholic who was previously sober?

You've been on my mind. How are you doing?

Just wanted to add that whether or not someone is 'An Alcoholic' is not the binary situation that was once thought.

We now use the term 'Alcohol Use Disorder' to refer to a spectrum of behaviours.

Another descriptor is 'If your alcohol use is causing problems for you or anyone else'.

I hope this helps OP. Sending you good wishes.