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AIBU?

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Original poster

If your Son/Daughter In Law lost a parent would you treat them differently?

83 replies

MyFeelingsOnThis · 26/04/2024 08:22

I'm interested to know if you would treat your DIL differently if she had lost her mother?

I lost my mother in very horrible circumstances as a teen. I met my DH in my early 20's. From the get go, his mum was pretty awful to me, and his dad and siblings also joined in knowing MIL had their back.

Some of this I put down to normal in-law animosity if you get a bad luck card, but other things are directly related to my situation. For example, my MIL has often criticised me and said, "didn't your mother teach you anything" and has also said things like, "I'm not doing that, I am not her mother". When my dad thanked her for doing something for us post DC1 birth, she said, "I didn't do it for her, I did it for DGC". She came over to stay, but did nothing to help. It was just to be with her first DGC. On my wedding day, she offered no help to me, and walked in on me getting dressed, looked me up and down and walked out again. Later 2 members of my own family told me she wasn't to be trusted.

My DH doesn't stand up to her because she is a bully. She also bullies her DH and my DH's other siblings. However, they were united in their treatment of me. As a young woman, grieving my mum, with no sisters of my own, and not many female friends, I didn't stand up to her, as I didn't know how to. I didn't have anyone I could talk to about her and get advice, and I didn't want to rock the boat with my DH. I sucked it up.

That all changed as I got older though. Despite some horrible things happening in my life, I am told I am a strong, independent, assertive woman by many people. I don't bother with my MIL, or my FIL or my DH's siblings. My MIL is very upset that she never sees us, or her DGC but I don't care. I am indifferent to them all.

Now my DC are older they are bringing GF's and BF's home. Some of them aren't having the best of times in their lives. I find myself in the situation where I really care for them because my DC love them. I want to be a support to them, I see them as part of my family, even if they are just GF/BF right now.

Feeling these things myself, I just find myself questioning, "what kind of a person gains a DIL who has clearly had a very difficult time, and then treats her with such a lack of compassion and empathy?" You must have to be a cruel, hard hearted person to be like this. I actually think that my MIL and her family, are horrible, horrible people. I know I never want someone who loves one of my DC to feel hurt like I have felt.

AIBU to think that if your DC married someone who had lost a parent, you would treat them kindly, or is this irrelevant and IABU?

OP posts:
Pottedpalm · 26/04/2024 08:24

It sounds as though your MiL just doesn’t like you. Nothing to do with you having lost your mother.

alovelynight · 26/04/2024 08:26

I feel like any normal person would have some sort of soft spot for someone in that position, but it is irrelevant IMO and you should treat people with kindness and compassion regardless.

EVHead · 26/04/2024 08:26

I think your MIL would have been a cunt to you whether or not you had lost your mother.

upinclouds · 26/04/2024 08:28

Yes, I would try and be even more supportive and caring than I am normally!

Your MIL sounds an absolute cow, and I'd be having as little to do with her as possible.

YukNo · 26/04/2024 08:28

My DS’s GF lost her mum very young and I feel incredibly warm and protective towards her. I try to show her as much love and care as possible without seeming as if I’m trying to be her mum.

Your MIL is a bitch.

TheBirdintheCave · 26/04/2024 08:29

Uh wow that is really horrible. My parents go the other way and treat my husband (who lost his mum in his 20s) like their son and my SIL like her daughter. Husband and SIL even call my parents Mum and Dad 😂

Original poster
MyFeelingsOnThis · 26/04/2024 08:32

EVHead, I agree and I wanted to use that word to describe her.

I just can't get my head round the lack of compassion though. Surely that is bordering on sociopathic behaviour?

It's like seeing an injured pet, and then going along and kicking it.

My own mother was completely different. Kind, generous, caring, compassionate and more. I'm really sorry my DH didn't get to see how a mum is supposed to act, rather than believe his is normal.

OP posts:
Tattletwat · 26/04/2024 08:34

Your MIL is a nasty piece of work it's nothing to do with you losing someone, I reckon she would be like that whatever.

Yes I would have more compassion with someone who has lost someone.

I'm confused why you married into that family though as your DH's actions not defending or wanting to rock the boat aren't attractive at all.

LoveSandbanks · 26/04/2024 08:35

EVHead · 26/04/2024 08:26

I think your MIL would have been a cunt to you whether or not you had lost your mother.

It took me a very long time to realise, fully realise, that people’s actions towards you are not personal, they’re just cunts.

Be grateful that you won’t have to look after this one in her old age ❤️

Damnthedieteatingdoritos · 26/04/2024 08:38

Maybe due to her own upbringing and personality she felt threatened by your growing relationship in some way or was jealous of your DHs relationship with you, the closeness and support he showed you (over her in her mind?), and then the love of your growing family. As her unpleasant behaviour and encouragement of her DC towards you obviously drove a wedge between you she's now reaping what she sowed when she doesnt see you all.
Does your DH see her at all or does he share your mistrust of her?

5128gap · 26/04/2024 08:42

When my mum died, I was young with young DC, my lovely MiL gently and unobtrusively stepped up to help fill the gap. Never overstepping, but always clear that I was her 'child' as much as my partner. She is amazing, and this is above and beyond, I know. But your MiL is so far the other way as to be needlessly cruel. She is not a nice woman, and I'm sorry for your poor hand with her.

Mayorq · 26/04/2024 08:43

She's a cunt but the treatment of her own family probably indicates its nothing to do with the loss of your mother and all to do with her fucked up need to bully, control and belittle, being the cunt that she is she identified your grief as the button to press to make you feel shit and afraid of her.

It's not normal and you're right to have nothing to do with her

Yellowpingu · 26/04/2024 08:44

My DS and his partner have been together since he was 16 and she was 15, like you she’s the only girl in a family of mainly boys. They lost her mother just after she turned 18. Our family has given her as much support and love as we can since then. She’s asked me to do things that her Mum would have done (like make phone calls to arrange appointments) and I was sincerely flattered that she felt comfortable doing that. I’ve taught her how to do sewing repairs and encouraged her to have the confidence to make her own phone calls now. She’s quite happy to come and stay with us without DS being here and she’s very much part of our family. Sending you a Mum-hug, OP.

TobaccoFlower · 26/04/2024 08:46

She's nasty and unfortunately she probably would have been anyhow, although it makes it extra unkind that she is making horrible comments like that. Try and keep away from her as much as you can.

TobaccoFlower · 26/04/2024 08:47

Yellowpingu · 26/04/2024 08:44

My DS and his partner have been together since he was 16 and she was 15, like you she’s the only girl in a family of mainly boys. They lost her mother just after she turned 18. Our family has given her as much support and love as we can since then. She’s asked me to do things that her Mum would have done (like make phone calls to arrange appointments) and I was sincerely flattered that she felt comfortable doing that. I’ve taught her how to do sewing repairs and encouraged her to have the confidence to make her own phone calls now. She’s quite happy to come and stay with us without DS being here and she’s very much part of our family. Sending you a Mum-hug, OP.

You sound lovely. Shame the op can't have someone like you

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 26/04/2024 08:48

Mayorq · 26/04/2024 08:43

She's a cunt but the treatment of her own family probably indicates its nothing to do with the loss of your mother and all to do with her fucked up need to bully, control and belittle, being the cunt that she is she identified your grief as the button to press to make you feel shit and afraid of her.

It's not normal and you're right to have nothing to do with her

Yeah I agree. Your loss is your 'button' that she can push, it would have been something else had your darling mum still been with you. She's a cow and you're right to ignore her.

Also a really good bit of advice I got on here was to not judge people by my own high standards - now you're meeting your kids BFs and GFs you're looking back because she behaved differently to you. She's always behaved differently to you because she is a bully and a cow. That's the explanation. Don't tie yourself in knots looking for another one.

hby9628 · 26/04/2024 08:48

My DH recently lost his mum & my mum has been amazing with him. Not overbearing but there for him and has supported us both

My brothers wife lost her mum in awful circumstances and she was brilliant then too.
However we are a close knit family & my mum was close to the MiLs so it was a personal loss for her too.

LilianaVikavanovich · 26/04/2024 08:49

Your MIL is basically an awful person , and would have behaved like an absolute witch to you whether your dear Mum was around or not

My Mum died when I was 40 , MIL away as kind to me as anyone could have hoped , she is the only Grandmother my DC remember ( which does give me a twinge even now )

You're doing the right thing by avoiding her as much as possible

Saz12 · 26/04/2024 08:50

I lost DM in my 20's. My PIL are lovely people. I dont think they treat me differently due to loss of my DM, I reckon theyd be great in-laws anyway.

Your MIL sounds the opposite - shes awful, and its not about your DM having passed away. She'll know doubt lay on some "without me theyd not have a grandma" shit at some point. Again, about her, not you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2024 08:50

Pottedpalm · 26/04/2024 08:24

It sounds as though your MiL just doesn’t like you. Nothing to do with you having lost your mother.

No, there's clearly an awful a lot more to it than that.

easylikeasundaymorn · 26/04/2024 08:50

MyFeelingsOnThis · 26/04/2024 08:32

EVHead, I agree and I wanted to use that word to describe her.

I just can't get my head round the lack of compassion though. Surely that is bordering on sociopathic behaviour?

It's like seeing an injured pet, and then going along and kicking it.

My own mother was completely different. Kind, generous, caring, compassionate and more. I'm really sorry my DH didn't get to see how a mum is supposed to act, rather than believe his is normal.

Your Dh is now seeing how a mum is supposed to behave, though, via your example. And your dc will hopefully follow your example if they have children so you've broken the cycle. And MIL will wonder why she's alone without visitors in her old age.

I'm sure your dcs friends really appreciate your kindness to them too ❤

To be honest it just sounds like your MILs a nasty piece of work. You think she could have been kinder to you because you'd lost your mother but tbh (although some of her comments do sound pointed) she'd probably have been as unkind to you if you'd had a disability or were an ex-refugee or had any other distressing experience in your life, or even if you hadn't.

Singleandproud · 26/04/2024 08:53

I don't think it has anything to do with you having lost your mother it just gives MiL an additional tactic to bully you with. She and the rest of the family sound awful but I'm sure they were awful before you came along too.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2024 08:54

I'm really sorry you lost your mum and then had the double whammy of having a really horrible mother-in-law. as others have said, this is a sign of her true personality and it's great that you don't have anything to do with her now. I don't think she would've been any different if your mother had been alive. I think she would've been incredibly jealous of your mum and wanted everything you gave your mum in terms of time for herself.

I really feel for your husband that he hasn't had a mother like yours.

Damnthedieteatingdoritos · 26/04/2024 08:55

Enjoying a positive relationship with ILs is one of life's bonuses. Mine were a mixture of lovely & supportive and total arses, so I understand a little how hurtful her response to your relationship must feel. I also decided years ago that I wouldn't continue to make an effort with the ones who were less than positive in their interactions. Covid gave us a break from visits that we've never reinstated, so we rarely meet now.

familyissues12345 · 26/04/2024 08:57

She just sounds a nasty piece of work! I imagine she would have been that way even if you hadn't lost your Mum.

My parents are lovely to DH, who lost his Mum in his 20's and his dad a couple of years ago (late 40's). They don't overstep the mark, but my Dad in particular has stepped in as a father figure and helps DH with stuff that he probably would have asked his Dad for advice with