If your Son/Daughter In Law lost a parent would you treat them differently?

[MyFeelingsOnThis]

I'm interested to know if you would treat your DIL differently if she had lost her mother?

I lost my mother in very horrible circumstances as a teen. I met my DH in my early 20's. From the get go, his mum was pretty awful to me, and his dad and siblings also joined in knowing MIL had their back.

Some of this I put down to normal in-law animosity if you get a bad luck card, but other things are directly related to my situation. For example, my MIL has often criticised me and said, "didn't your mother teach you anything" and has also said things like, "I'm not doing that, I am not her mother". When my dad thanked her for doing something for us post DC1 birth, she said, "I didn't do it for her, I did it for DGC". She came over to stay, but did nothing to help. It was just to be with her first DGC. On my wedding day, she offered no help to me, and walked in on me getting dressed, looked me up and down and walked out again. Later 2 members of my own family told me she wasn't to be trusted.

My DH doesn't stand up to her because she is a bully. She also bullies her DH and my DH's other siblings. However, they were united in their treatment of me. As a young woman, grieving my mum, with no sisters of my own, and not many female friends, I didn't stand up to her, as I didn't know how to. I didn't have anyone I could talk to about her and get advice, and I didn't want to rock the boat with my DH. I sucked it up.

That all changed as I got older though. Despite some horrible things happening in my life, I am told I am a strong, independent, assertive woman by many people. I don't bother with my MIL, or my FIL or my DH's siblings. My MIL is very upset that she never sees us, or her DGC but I don't care. I am indifferent to them all.

Now my DC are older they are bringing GF's and BF's home. Some of them aren't having the best of times in their lives. I find myself in the situation where I really care for them because my DC love them. I want to be a support to them, I see them as part of my family, even if they are just GF/BF right now.

Feeling these things myself, I just find myself questioning, "what kind of a person gains a DIL who has clearly had a very difficult time, and then treats her with such a lack of compassion and empathy?" You must have to be a cruel, hard hearted person to be like this. I actually think that my MIL and her family, are horrible, horrible people. I know I never want someone who loves one of my DC to feel hurt like I have felt.

AIBU to think that if your DC married someone who had lost a parent, you would treat them kindly, or is this irrelevant and IABU?

Your mother in law is a bully and bullies everyone around her. I don't see why why losing your mother would change that. She wouldn't suddenly become an empathetic person if she never has been.
I know my mum found comfort from her MIL when her own mother died. In fact she started calling her in-laws mum and dad when she lost her parents.
I also think my MIL would probably take me under her wing if my mum died.
However, your MIL doesn't sound like that sort of person.

I agree with everyone else - she just sounds like an awful person. My partner lost his dad when he was a teenager but my parents don’t treat him any differently because of it. They are kind to him and if he wanted any fatherly advice my Dad would be thrilled to help out. But he also has plenty of other good older male role models in his life as well which helps.

Your MIL is clearly just a horrible person who would have been horrible to you regardless of whether or not your mum was alive.

Your MIL is a cunt to you because she is a cunt. She’s weaponised the death of your mother against you. If your mother had been alive and well she would have found another thing to use against you.

I am really, truly sorry that not only you lost your mum so young but that you then had this horrible family to deal with on top of that. They all sound like a shower of bastards.

honestly i don't think you loosing your mother has anything to do with it. Your MIL is just a bitch and your DH won't stand up to her/cut her out.

FWIW i lost my mum 3 years before i met my DH. my MIL has always been wonderful to me. but she's also wonderful to her other DIL. She had also helped out a lot with the "mum" stuff during wedding and my pregnancy and childcare.

During the wedding she offered to throw me a bridal shower for my family. she was fully understanding when i turned around a couple of weeks later and said i couldn't face it. She helped me sort out issues with the make up artist, she came with me to some of the additional scans i needed when pregnant, she held my hand when they told me my baby had two holes in her heart (thankfully both healed up by the time she was born but it was an awful moment) including driving me through the central London traffic to GOSH (during Covid), she took me shopping for baby clothes. Honestly i couldn't ask for more.

Well the majority on here agree with me.

I think the loss of a parent is irrelevant broadly although I do think at key moments like weddings and birth it could have been an opportunity to provide some support you may have got from your mum. She sounds like a complete prick though, who would have acted this way regardless of your situation.

As your children start to bring home partners, treat them with kindness and compassion. You are better than your MIL (and your husband tbh, for letting you be subjected to this behaviour). I feel very lucky to have a good relationship with my MIL who has never been anything but caring and kind. You have a chance to give your children the kindness you never got from your MIL.

That all changed as I got older though. Despite some horrible things happening in my life, I am told I am a strong, independent, assertive woman by many people. I don't bother with my MIL, or my FIL or my DH's siblings. My MIL is very upset that she never sees us, or her DGC but I don't care. I am indifferent to them all.

I was very happy to read this, well done for going no contact.

You reap what you sow, and MIL deserves to never see you or your children again.

Is your DH supportive of this? Does he see MIL and the others?

And yes, the loss of your mother is entirely relevant here, because it gave your MIL one more stick to beat you with.

No, it sounds as though the MIL is a cunt.

Yes, that too. I was focusing on the dreadful treatment not being related to the loss of OP’s mother. I should have phrased it better.

Understood, thanks.

Yes, I would offer a more maternal role if it was welcome in those circumstances.

Your mil sounds like a wicked person.

I think it has nothing to do with your mother having passed, and everything to do with her being a horrible person.

From all accounts, my grandmother on my dad's side wasn't very nice to my mother, who had also lost her own mother young. I do not know why she was like that although I DO know that my grandmother was a lovely and caring woman but also, apparently, a massive snob. My father's extended family have always been extremely kind and loving to my mother and his sister was genuinely devastated when my mum died so I can only assume it had to do with my gran's own issue. She died before I was even born so I certainly have no first hand info. Ironically, one of the things my parents had in common was that they were both very close to their mothers, with absent fathers, and were both very supportive of the pain they both felt from losing their respective mothers relatively young.

My grandfather, even before we brought boyfriends home, always, 'i'll love him, because you love him'. I think it is such a gift to love and accept your children's spouses .
I think if my son's fiance didn't have a mother I would try and be even more available (for example I wouldn't normally go dress shopping with a Dil, as I would assume her mother would do that, but if she didn't have a mum I'd be sure to tell her I'd love to accompany her if she so wishes)

She sounds vile. Are you forced to engage with her? I would be no contact
, permanently!!

Your MIL is just a horrific person, I can't imagine she'd treat you nicely if you had a living mum.

I suppose some (nice) MILs might become more nurturing towards you than with a DIL with a late mum, whereas other (nice) MILs might not out of worry they might look like they're trying to replace the late mum and cause upset.

I lost my mum v young (7) but had a good step mum. No one in ILs has treated me differently I think. My friends families however did a massive amount for me. All my life I've been adopted by families. My mums friends have also done a massive for me.

As someone who had a horrible childhood, a crappy start in life and who feels robbed of having just been able to enjoy a young and carefree youth, I generally feel very protective of young people as I suspect you have now found. I wpuld treat any person important to my child as one of my own if that's what they needed, whether that is a partner or just a close friend.
I'm sorry you've been let down by the parental figures in your life and I hope you have a lovely supportive dad.

Your mil took advantage of your loss and twisted the knife more at every opportunity..
Your dh needs to decide who's team he is on. My dil has a fraught relationship with her dm.. I don't see mine and have no siblings. We have forged a great bond /relationship given we both don't have many good ones in our lives!
Your mil is a cunt. Mine is also. Been nc for 9 years... Def recommend it..

My ILs were always very loving towards me (even when I divorced their son).
I lost both my parents when I was married to their son and they really stepped up and showed a lot of love.

They are both very unwell now, but I care for them deeply.

I'm sorry your MIL is so awful to you. She sounds very unkind.

I think it's irrelevant, your mil is just nasty.

I am sorry your MIL has been so unkind. My lovely son in law has lost both parents, and DH and I wrote him a letter when his mother died, telling him that whilst we would never seek to take his parents’ place, we hoped he would always feel that we were there for him and he could call on us in need. He is treated just the same with gifts etc as our own DC

I think that is a natural response if you are a decent person.

I’m sorry you have such a horrible MIL, OP.

I found the same with one of my SIL and BIL. To them it was a weak spot, and as they’re the sort of people who will take advantage, they tried very hard to push me around in the early years. Some people are just like that.

It is something beyond just taking advantage of a perceived weak spot, though. Your vulnerability triggers a very nasty streak of cruelty in people like that.

I would have as little contact as possible.

So you didn't read the pointed comments in the OP then?

As others have said, she's a nasty bitch (to put it politely... there are no words in the English language to describe what she truly is). I lost my mum when I was 11 so you have my sympathies @MyFeelingsOnThis - I know what it's like to grow up and navigate life without your mum.

Honestly, I think she sees this loss as a weak spot and something to be nasty about. If it wasn't this, she'd find something else. Just remember - this is about her, not you. It says volumes about how despicable and sick she is. I'd give her a VERY wide berth, for fear I'd hit her if not! All the best 💐