If your Son/Daughter In Law lost a parent would you treat them differently?

[MyFeelingsOnThis]

I'm interested to know if you would treat your DIL differently if she had lost her mother?

I lost my mother in very horrible circumstances as a teen. I met my DH in my early 20's. From the get go, his mum was pretty awful to me, and his dad and siblings also joined in knowing MIL had their back.

Some of this I put down to normal in-law animosity if you get a bad luck card, but other things are directly related to my situation. For example, my MIL has often criticised me and said, "didn't your mother teach you anything" and has also said things like, "I'm not doing that, I am not her mother". When my dad thanked her for doing something for us post DC1 birth, she said, "I didn't do it for her, I did it for DGC". She came over to stay, but did nothing to help. It was just to be with her first DGC. On my wedding day, she offered no help to me, and walked in on me getting dressed, looked me up and down and walked out again. Later 2 members of my own family told me she wasn't to be trusted.

My DH doesn't stand up to her because she is a bully. She also bullies her DH and my DH's other siblings. However, they were united in their treatment of me. As a young woman, grieving my mum, with no sisters of my own, and not many female friends, I didn't stand up to her, as I didn't know how to. I didn't have anyone I could talk to about her and get advice, and I didn't want to rock the boat with my DH. I sucked it up.

That all changed as I got older though. Despite some horrible things happening in my life, I am told I am a strong, independent, assertive woman by many people. I don't bother with my MIL, or my FIL or my DH's siblings. My MIL is very upset that she never sees us, or her DGC but I don't care. I am indifferent to them all.

Now my DC are older they are bringing GF's and BF's home. Some of them aren't having the best of times in their lives. I find myself in the situation where I really care for them because my DC love them. I want to be a support to them, I see them as part of my family, even if they are just GF/BF right now.

Feeling these things myself, I just find myself questioning, "what kind of a person gains a DIL who has clearly had a very difficult time, and then treats her with such a lack of compassion and empathy?" You must have to be a cruel, hard hearted person to be like this. I actually think that my MIL and her family, are horrible, horrible people. I know I never want someone who loves one of my DC to feel hurt like I have felt.

AIBU to think that if your DC married someone who had lost a parent, you would treat them kindly, or is this irrelevant and IABU?

She's horrible
It's that simple

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mum at such a difficult time. But yes, I think your MIL just sounds like a horrible, nasty piece of work and would be the same regardless.

I lost my mum 4 years ago. My MIL is lovely to me, but I think that’s just because she’s a nice person, I wouldn’t say she’s any more “motherly” towards me because of my loss or that we spend more time together or anything.

Oh that's so lovely. Not about your husband so much as that can be normal,but to have taken that view with his sister too.

I hope that’s how I’d be. I think my problem would be not being too motherly. I’m so sorry you got such a shit mil @MyFeelingsOnThis

Not quite sure why she's in your life in any capacity at all. I wouldn't let her into mine.

I think it’s fairly unanimous that everyone thinks she’s just a bitch, nothing to do with you loosing your mum.

I think that it’s a hard question, if you try to hard with your DCs BFs/GFs it might be like your trying to replace their lost parent. I think it’s a matter of just being a nice kind person in general. If bonds build then that’s great.

My ExHs mum was ok, never really treat me any way other than her sons girlfriend even after we got married. It was clear to me that she was just indifferent to me, all his friends liked me and thought I was good for him, his parents didn’t. BILs girlfriend was the DIL they wanted and eventually got. We weren’t particularly close just got on when we saw each other. There were a few things that made me feel excluded, like I was never in family photos. At the time I was living in Exs home country on my own with no family. None of my family came for the wedding or ever met my ex. I was slightly hurt when we broke up and his parents never once asked me if I was ok. Just a phone call would have been nice given my ex had his entire family supporting him and I was on my own with zero family to support me. Of course their son came first but I did think it was cold at the time and still do.

My mum died not long before i had my first child, i was with DH 11 years by then and we knew each other really well. After baby came MIL only visited with FIL and through arrangement with DH. Even then she would sit in the sitting room, she never lifted a finger. Despite me often telling her to pop in (we live nearby) in 10 months of maternity leave she never did, not once. Never brought dinner, never arranged even to meet for coffee in a local cafe. I was alone 10 hours a day with a really difficult baby and she knew all this. I would literally have sobbed with relief if someone had come through my door and held him for 20 mins so I could have a shower or make a coffee.

All these years later I deeply deeply resent it. How uncaring to not step up even a little. So yes OP I agree with you. I think you got a really unlucky deal with your MIL.

Unfortunately your MIL is just not a nice person, nothing to do with you. I lost a parent as a teen and now live far from my family but near my in laws. My in laws have never made me feel part of their family or given support. My MIL actually has commented several times that I'm very lucky to still have one parent as she lost both hers, even though when she lost her first parent she was over 20 years older than I was...

I always presumed I would feel part of whatever family I married into but instead it's a formal and strained relationship. When I had a baby my family who live hours away were commenting that my in laws were probably dropping food over etc - that would just never happen.

To make an extra effort to include someone who's had a tough time into your family you have to be a basically kind person in the first place. I'm glad you don't bother with them.

This made me tear up a little. I'm so happy for you that you had such a lovely, positive experience with your MIL and that she was able to gently help fill the huge void that only motherless daughters can understand.

My experience was very different, having lost my own dear Mum a couple of years before starting a family. My MIL was very excited (read: horrendously overbearing) about becoming a grandmother but had zero empathy or interest in how I was doing, even when I explicitly tried to tell her how hard I was finding things and how desperately I missed and wanted my Mum. I always got the feeling she was actually pretty glad to be THE (only) Grandmother. It still hurts.

I hope, if I'm every a mother in law, that I can remember this feeling and make sure that I am more like your lovely MIL than mine.

I can only echo other posters.
MIL is a horrible cunt who's found a way to poke you.
Personally, I'd keep up the NC with MIL and the rest of the toxic tribe and they can whinge until they go blue about it.

Your MiL sounds dreadful, no question.

I knew someone who lost both her parents when she was late teens, before meeting her future husband.
Her and her inlaws always got on well, it worked in their favour as she and their son were always around for Xmas day and other family gatherings.
However when she and her husband split (amicably) they dropped her like a stone. Her name was mud.

Thank you for all the kind messages. I’m really sorry for all your losses too.

I know what it's like to grow up and navigate life without your mum.

I’m sorry you had to deal with this too. It is a navigation, without a compass, or a rudder. All you have is a flapping sail, and your own 2 bare hands.

I agree that she would’ve been horrible no matter what my circumstances, although I don’t think she would’ve got away with it as much if my mum were alive. I would have had backup, and felt more empowered.

I don’t want to come across as a victim here though. I know who I am. I’m kind, I’ve good friends and have cast iron support in my life now. I’m resilient. I have the best family. My DH, my DC, my siblings and their families, my dad. I’m very lucky.

MiL is pushing back now and complaining (well sending FIL to scold us) about not being included. I guess some of this post is to decide where I stand going forward. I feel resentful towards them, and don’t like this feeling, but they are not to be trusted. They’ve recently been pleasant to me but it’s through gritted teeth, and they are only doing this because my DC and I are very close, and they think I’m the one manning the gate. I’m not, MIL just thinks everyone’s like her.

I don’t want to shoulder this resentment much longer. It’s draining.

What does she want to be included in?

If she wants to see her DGC, she can invite her son and DGC to see her.

Does she expect you to host her? To include her in gatherings?

Exomoon

Family things like; plays, sports days, birthdays (not mine lol), all major holidays. Anything we do together she takes the hump when not included, so in a hump quite a lot because I’m not including them. We are not NC, but very LC. When she’s upset she doesn’t speak to my DH for weeks and weeks.

We spend Christmas with them, but it’s not every year. We rotate it with them, my lot and sometimes we go away just us. I manage our calendar. I don’t mean that to sound controlling, but I’ve been roughshod over the years, and now I have boundaries. I hate that I’ve become this person.

I think generally you should treat someone in the same way as you would had they not had a bereavement but perhaps with sensitivity around things like Mother's Day, the deceased's birthday etc

A kind person would make a special effort or give extra understanding at times when they might feel the loss of their mother more.

I can understand that a MIL might be wary of being seen as trying to take the dead Mother's place but there are ways of doing things like offering to go wedding dress shopping or whatever that can be sensitive but supportive.

Relationships with MILs vary and can be wonderful, distant or toxic. It is sad that you have a toxic one but she would probably be toxic whether your Mum was around or not.

I think your relationship with someone is either positive or it isn't.

I hope I would have a good relationship with my SIL or DIL regardless of whether their mother was still alive or not, but if we didn't, I'm not sure how the fact that their mother had died would be likely to change anything. Basically if I am capable of being kind to someone whose mother has died, I am capable of being kind to them full stop.

What might make a difference is if they wanted me to step more into the role their mother might otherwise have fulfilled, for example, if my DIL wanted me to help her get ready on her wedding day, or go shopping for her wedding dress, or be present for the birth of her child, because her own mother wasn't around to do these things. In that situation, yes, I suppose it would be different compared to if her own mother was still around, but it would be led by her, not me. And I would be honoured if she wanted me to step into that role.

She sounds vile tbh! My SIL lost her father at a young age, my dad doesn't treat her any differently to be honest than I think he normally would have for a SIL. He was very touched though when she asked him to walk her down the aisle when she married my brother.

My ex MIL I was very close to and I think it was more the fact I didn't have my own mum I was more open to it and relied on her more but she was a great help to me and took on a mum role. Nothing like your MIL shows.

I would love it if my DIL liked me, and wanted my help and advice. I’ve loads of love to spread around. It’s not a finite pot.

Very much a case of you reap what you sow.

I wouldn't include her, she made her bed.

So your ma-in-law enjoyed the victimisation but isn’t so keen on the resultant alienation. Shocker!

It’s almost like when someone acts like a total arsehole other people draw conclusions and act on them eh? She’s probably genuinely baffled why she’s not in with the bricks and guest of honour at every feast, cos the rest of the family fall into line, and are probably enmeshed in a trauma bond with her. I think since you’re not, I’d not join in voluntarily, and let her hang as she’s grown.

You’re a compassionate soul and maybe have a history of wanting to do the right thing at your own expense so clearly feel a bit of discomfort about her. I dunno if I’d see it so much as a negative about ‘the person you’ve become’ as ‘a proactive person who learned the hard way and is not up for letting anyone have more chances to act like a dick to you in front of your children.’ Up to you, but she’s got other family, it’s not like she’s dying alone in a home. When and if that day comes, I’d make the necessary adjustments if there was no-one else. Right now, no.

If she can’t see why she’s held at a distance, oh well, life is all about learning, maybe she’ll have an epiphany before she leaves this earth. Or maybe not.

PS. I think if one of mine had a partner who had lost a parent at a young age I would probably be specially mindful of their loss, yes, and I think she’s probably a bit of a sadist who saw vulnerability and well, you know how that goes.

I’d say my parents are more supportive to my DH who didn’t have the easiest upbringing.
I also feel empathy for my DC friends/girlfriends/boyfriends who have potentially had a harder time. I’d like to offer them more support if they needed it although don’t want to be in their face with this offer.

Your MIL just sounds an absolute cow to be honest.

You’re probably reliving and triggered by your past experience now your own dc are bringing partners home. My mil was the exact same to me, I was so young and pregnant and she was just so awful. Now my daughter is the age I was then it’s came back to me and I get full of rage thinking how a woman in her 40s treated a young vulnerable woman, I could never do that, I think she must be an evil narcissist. My partner very rarely called her out and neither does his siblings, I think they’re scared of her and have never been allowed to disagree or express their feelings. I wouldn’t put up with any of it now and feel a lot of resentment that I did when younger. She is reaping what she sowed now too as me and my two in laws have nothing to do with her, she had meltdowns on the phone to my partner about how no one bothers. I had my mum through all this and I can’t imagine how hard it must of been for you. X

My husband’s mum died 3.5 years ago, my mum now spends more on my husband’s birthday present than she does on me or my sisters - to make up for the fact he doesn’t have a mum to buy him anything! Couldn’t imagine being treated like this and you’re definitely not wrong to be nicer to your own children’s current/future partners!

Yes OP. I lost my mum young. I was already with my DH at the time (then boyfriend). His mother threw me a 21st afternoon party (before I went out with friends). It was so kind. She's always done wee things for me. Sometimes we joke she likes me more than she likes her son.
I'm sorry that you've been through that but it sounds like you are a kind person and your MIL is horrid. We reap what we sow in life.

Honestly, you sound amazing, and it's your MIL's loss. Be proud of yourself for standing up to her. She is lucky you are LC as I would have NC'd her a long time ago.