If your Son/Daughter In Law lost a parent would you treat them differently?

[MyFeelingsOnThis]

I'm interested to know if you would treat your DIL differently if she had lost her mother?

I lost my mother in very horrible circumstances as a teen. I met my DH in my early 20's. From the get go, his mum was pretty awful to me, and his dad and siblings also joined in knowing MIL had their back.

Some of this I put down to normal in-law animosity if you get a bad luck card, but other things are directly related to my situation. For example, my MIL has often criticised me and said, "didn't your mother teach you anything" and has also said things like, "I'm not doing that, I am not her mother". When my dad thanked her for doing something for us post DC1 birth, she said, "I didn't do it for her, I did it for DGC". She came over to stay, but did nothing to help. It was just to be with her first DGC. On my wedding day, she offered no help to me, and walked in on me getting dressed, looked me up and down and walked out again. Later 2 members of my own family told me she wasn't to be trusted.

My DH doesn't stand up to her because she is a bully. She also bullies her DH and my DH's other siblings. However, they were united in their treatment of me. As a young woman, grieving my mum, with no sisters of my own, and not many female friends, I didn't stand up to her, as I didn't know how to. I didn't have anyone I could talk to about her and get advice, and I didn't want to rock the boat with my DH. I sucked it up.

That all changed as I got older though. Despite some horrible things happening in my life, I am told I am a strong, independent, assertive woman by many people. I don't bother with my MIL, or my FIL or my DH's siblings. My MIL is very upset that she never sees us, or her DGC but I don't care. I am indifferent to them all.

Now my DC are older they are bringing GF's and BF's home. Some of them aren't having the best of times in their lives. I find myself in the situation where I really care for them because my DC love them. I want to be a support to them, I see them as part of my family, even if they are just GF/BF right now.

Feeling these things myself, I just find myself questioning, "what kind of a person gains a DIL who has clearly had a very difficult time, and then treats her with such a lack of compassion and empathy?" You must have to be a cruel, hard hearted person to be like this. I actually think that my MIL and her family, are horrible, horrible people. I know I never want someone who loves one of my DC to feel hurt like I have felt.

AIBU to think that if your DC married someone who had lost a parent, you would treat them kindly, or is this irrelevant and IABU?

I agree with this - however I also think that as bullies often look for weakness she used the ops situation both to hurt her more and also did so in the knowledge that the op did not have her mother on her side- making her more vulnerable

Exactly this, the more stronger I’ve got the less mine has done anything as bad, definitely pick up on vulnerabilities, I’m just so glad I’m nothing like her

This, 100%. No normal person treats anyone the way you have been treated, never mind given what you had been through. She sounds like a nasty, unhinged woman who controls her whole family. Know that her treatment of you had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

Oh my goodness @MyFeelingsOnThis you got a very nasty mil.
I'm glad she is out of your life.

I think and hope I would be empathetic without overstepping the mark.

My MiL accepted me as a daughter from the get go and was an immense support when I lost my mum having been through the same.

If my DiL lost her parents I'd be gutted for her as I really like her parents and we have a long distance friendship.

On the other hand I think my SiL would be partying if his parents died, they are emotionally unavailable to him.

My sil mother died when he was 26 seven years ago. He was very close to his mother. He is very much part of our family. He still has his father but does not have a close relationship with but sees him more now since he had a major stroke last year.
He has said that he would feel sadder if anything happened to us than anything happening to his father as he feels much closer to us.

My MIL was like this to me as well - perhaps once or twice overstepped but she was trying her best.

Yours is truly appalling, OP. She should be grateful you’re not me. If she’d sneered at my mum like that - ‘didn’t your mum teach you anything’ - I would have exploded.

Continue to keep your Mil at bay. She’s a bitch and doesn’t deserve you.

I treat my DIL and two SILs like my own regardless. Spend the same amount on Xmas pressies etc, love them, care for them.