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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling visits with in laws

137 replies

Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:29

I have repeatedly expressed to my in laws that I’m struggling with my baby. I went about ten months with no break, not even 5 mins to myself. No one babysat or came over and helped with housework etc. I have lost several stone and have problems with my teeth because some days I didn’t get to clean them. I am totally exhausted and mentally broken from lack of sleep and rest.

My MIL is the type to not ask to visit or make the effort to reach out and ask to meet up. She waits for me to do all the initiating. I was annoyed by this because in my mind if you want to see your grandchild you’d make the effort. I had to tell her straight up if she wants to visit just ask! Don’t wait to be asked.

So she started making more effort. She cancelled some times due to her health which was fine, no big deal. I cancelled a few times because my baby was having a bad day or I was feeling low or not up for visitors.

I then had other in laws criticising me saying I am stopping her from seeing her grandchild and excluding her. This baffled me because she has seen baby the most out of everyone and I kept inviting her over.

i felt hurt hearing this as I felt I was being portrayed wrongly. I asked my MIL what the issue was and she said that me cancelling on her is “devastating” and she can’t handle it. She said if I make plans with her in the future I’m not allowed to cancel. I said that’s impossible and I can cancel if I want to. I felt she was being unreasonable but she said she wasn’t.

now I feel I have to 1. Force myself to spend time with someone even if it’s a bad day or I’m exhausted from lack of support and 2. If I don’t make plans with her or I do cancel that she’ll bad mouth me to the rest of the family

this is causing me a lot of stress and arguments with my husband.

so am I being unreasonable to think it’s ok to cancel?

OP posts:
Cbljgdpk · 26/04/2024 07:32

Your husband can make the plans for her to see his mum; then it’s all on him. I don’t see why there has to be this pressure for women to make the plans and spend time with in laws.
Is your husband doing his fair share OP?

JennyForeigner · 26/04/2024 07:32

Of course it's OK. You shouldn't have to ask.

Invite her around once more when the baby is brewing a horrible sickness bug and then ask what exactly they all wanted you to do.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 26/04/2024 07:33

. I went about ten months with no break, not even 5 mins to myself.

why? If you’ve got in laws then you’ve got a husband / partner. Why can you not have 5 mins alone in 10 month? You have a DH problem here…

Equally, cancelling on someone who is coming to give you some support because you’re exhausted through a lack of support seems to be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:33

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bungletru · 26/04/2024 07:33

I may have a slightly skewed view on in-laws like this as mine are awful so take as you wish

Your MIL is basically trying to say if she wants it she should get it. She can cancel, but you can’t.

she’s unreasonable. Not you.

it’s your baby, your decision.

in laws will never paint you in a good light in this kind of scenario. Mine do it to me all the time and she makes no effort yet if I say no to something I’m the worst and stopping them from seeing their grandkid.
I’ve just gotten thicker skin tbh, because you can’t win with narcissists.

don’t beat yourself up. YANBU.
your DH needs to pull his weight/ his mom, his problem.
why the hell isn’t he helping you get a break??

ps- get some postnatal support love, we sometimes don’t realise we need it when in the thick of it.

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:34

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 26/04/2024 07:33

. I went about ten months with no break, not even 5 mins to myself.

why? If you’ve got in laws then you’ve got a husband / partner. Why can you not have 5 mins alone in 10 month? You have a DH problem here…

Equally, cancelling on someone who is coming to give you some support because you’re exhausted through a lack of support seems to be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

The visits weren’t for support, my MIL has health issues and can’t even hold my baby or do anything else unfortunately. So the visits were basically me hosting

OP posts:
Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:34

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Dacadactyl · 26/04/2024 07:34

I suspect this is a time when MIL feels she cant do right for doing wrong.

Your MIL probably feels confused because on one hand you express to her that you're really struggling and then you're cancelling her visits.

However she's gone about it in a less than optimum way. She's focusing on the affects on her saying it's devastating, when if she came at it from the angle of giving support, you'd perhaps be less likely to cancel.

I wonder if she's very concerned about you and that what she means by devastating tho. She may see that you're struggling to cope, want to help but not know how to approach it.

I'd be tempted to request a sit down with her to thrash it out and find out what she means by devastating.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 26/04/2024 07:35

Why is it devastating? Does she live far away, have to get up early and pay for transport or something?

Agree with pp about seeing a GP about your struggles. You don’t have to hold baby 24/7 OP, leave the baby in the crib and brush teeth self care is important.

Calamitousness · 26/04/2024 07:35

Of course not. Cancel if you need to. But having a baby shouldn’t be this tough. Are you sure that you’re well. Should you see a GP? Are you not taking care of yourself for another reason? Depression maybe. Most people don’t have someone cleaning for them when off on mat leave. And babysitting a child that young is usually the father so that the mum can go out with friends at night. You should be having plenty of time to shower/clean teeth etc. and clean your house. You can do all that with your baby either awake or asleep so there may be a different problem. Is your husband helping at night? Sharing the weekend long lies etc. You sound pretty down. I hope I have misinterpreted you but if not, think about seeing someone and talking about how you feel.

VestibuleVirgin · 26/04/2024 07:35

Do you not have friends/family you can turn to for help, and wtf is wrong with your husband that he a) allows you to become so exhausred and doesn't give you 5 mins to yourself, and b) allows his parents to treat you in the way they do?

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:36

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The arguments are about him not saying or doing anything to help the situation, I don’t feel he has my back or is on my side.

we agreed we would do all the communicating with his in laws instead and he could arrange visits. But he doesn’t arrange anything so they don’t see baby at all now. Which just makes it worse because they’ll blame me for that instead of my husbands laziness

OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 26/04/2024 07:37

Actually first poster nailed it. Solve your husband problem AND your MIL problem in one go, by making time with her his issue.

We do this. My MIL is in her 80s and crocky af. My husband takes the kids to her and I get a break - but only since they have been old enough to manage a car journey. Until that point, it had to wait.

My parents are more active and come here, but I do the same thing once a month or so and my husband gets a break. We don't all have to be in the same place at the same time.

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:37

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 26/04/2024 07:35

Why is it devastating? Does she live far away, have to get up early and pay for transport or something?

Agree with pp about seeing a GP about your struggles. You don’t have to hold baby 24/7 OP, leave the baby in the crib and brush teeth self care is important.

Edited

No about 10 mins away by car. She said it’s because she sees it as a rejection even though I’ve explained my reasons for cancelling eg baby won’t sleep so I’ve had to take her out in the car for an hour long drive, I’m feeling low so I’m crying and want to be alone

OP posts:
Longma · 26/04/2024 07:37

More importantly than the MIL visits - why isn't your dh helping with the baby? Why isn't he supporting you and helping to care for his child?

Do you have family of your own?

Jokl · 26/04/2024 07:38

I don’t mean to sound insensitive but I find it hard to believe you didn’t have a single moment to yourself in ten months, to the point that you weren’t even doing your teeth (!), how have you found yourself in this situation, particularly when you have a partner on the scene?!

JennyForeigner · 26/04/2024 07:38

If it's about your husband's laziness, forget the inlaws. You can't solve that and don't burn yourself down trying.

Longma · 26/04/2024 07:38

Have you spoken to your GP about feeling so low and crying?

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:38

Calamitousness · 26/04/2024 07:35

Of course not. Cancel if you need to. But having a baby shouldn’t be this tough. Are you sure that you’re well. Should you see a GP? Are you not taking care of yourself for another reason? Depression maybe. Most people don’t have someone cleaning for them when off on mat leave. And babysitting a child that young is usually the father so that the mum can go out with friends at night. You should be having plenty of time to shower/clean teeth etc. and clean your house. You can do all that with your baby either awake or asleep so there may be a different problem. Is your husband helping at night? Sharing the weekend long lies etc. You sound pretty down. I hope I have misinterpreted you but if not, think about seeing someone and talking about how you feel.

My husband goes to sports in the evenings

OP posts:
LindorDoubleChoc · 26/04/2024 07:39

If your mil has health problems and can't even hold the baby then how is she going to be able to help or support you? It's your partner's job to share the care of your baby with you, not his disabled mother's.

Tuesday03 · 26/04/2024 07:39

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Pacificisolated · 26/04/2024 07:40

With the greatest of respect, you sound like you are clinically depressed. Are you receiving any mental health support? If not you need to make an appointment with your GP. Babies are hard work but unless you have an exceptionally tricky baby you should be out of the woods by now.

Does your partner ever take the baby for a few hours so you can have a break?

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:40

Jokl · 26/04/2024 07:38

I don’t mean to sound insensitive but I find it hard to believe you didn’t have a single moment to yourself in ten months, to the point that you weren’t even doing your teeth (!), how have you found yourself in this situation, particularly when you have a partner on the scene?!

I have a Velcro baby she wants to be held constantly otherwise she is hysterical and her crying triggers me so I can’t leave her I know I need to be stronger but because I’m so exhausted I just give in. Baby exclusively breastfed and cosleeping. Contact naps only. I feel like a failure because I haven’t been able to be stronger

OP posts:
VeraForever · 26/04/2024 07:41

Your partner needs to step up here.
It's not your in laws' fault that they're barely seeing you or the baby.

Original poster
Hedgehogdetective · 26/04/2024 07:42

LindorDoubleChoc · 26/04/2024 07:39

If your mil has health problems and can't even hold the baby then how is she going to be able to help or support you? It's your partner's job to share the care of your baby with you, not his disabled mother's.

I don’t expect her to help or support me, but she is bad mouthing me to family if I cancel plans which is making me more stressed and I know I can’t control what she says or does but from my pov if someone tells you they are struggling I don’t know why you’d instead tell everyone you’re being purposefully excluded

OP posts: