Cancelling visits with in laws

[Hedgehogdetective]

I have repeatedly expressed to my in laws that I’m struggling with my baby. I went about ten months with no break, not even 5 mins to myself. No one babysat or came over and helped with housework etc. I have lost several stone and have problems with my teeth because some days I didn’t get to clean them. I am totally exhausted and mentally broken from lack of sleep and rest.

My MIL is the type to not ask to visit or make the effort to reach out and ask to meet up. She waits for me to do all the initiating. I was annoyed by this because in my mind if you want to see your grandchild you’d make the effort. I had to tell her straight up if she wants to visit just ask! Don’t wait to be asked.

So she started making more effort. She cancelled some times due to her health which was fine, no big deal. I cancelled a few times because my baby was having a bad day or I was feeling low or not up for visitors.

I then had other in laws criticising me saying I am stopping her from seeing her grandchild and excluding her. This baffled me because she has seen baby the most out of everyone and I kept inviting her over.

i felt hurt hearing this as I felt I was being portrayed wrongly. I asked my MIL what the issue was and she said that me cancelling on her is “devastating” and she can’t handle it. She said if I make plans with her in the future I’m not allowed to cancel. I said that’s impossible and I can cancel if I want to. I felt she was being unreasonable but she said she wasn’t.

now I feel I have to 1. Force myself to spend time with someone even if it’s a bad day or I’m exhausted from lack of support and 2. If I don’t make plans with her or I do cancel that she’ll bad mouth me to the rest of the family

this is causing me a lot of stress and arguments with my husband.

so am I being unreasonable to think it’s ok to cancel?

There's a lot going on here OP:

1. You sound like you could do with a chat with the GP.
2. Your DH needs to step up.
3. There's definitely more going on if you didn't have time to brush your teeth and eat, a baby should never stop those things happening.
4. Cancelling visits because the baby hasn't slept seems really wild to me, you can't live your life by a clock like that.
5. Cancelling visits because you feel low is a whole different story, but you should really speak to the GP about this.

💐

I think there are issues here that are nothing to do with your in laws. You should have been able to brush your teeth. It takes like a minute, I fail to understand why that hasn’t been happening. It’s just a baby. It sounds it me like you might need some medical help to get you onto an even keel. Perhaps make an appointment with your GP. Also, put the baby down somewhere safe and eat and brush your teeth. Everything else will feel more manageable if you actually valued yourself

So. He needs to stop until you are in a better place with your mental health. You can’t cope. He needs to support you before sport. How is that hard to see. Surely you’ve told him how you feel. He must notice you’re unkempt if you’re not brushing your teeth which is a basic. It’s all signs you’re not mentally well.

Oh OP your posts are so sad to read so I'm going to focus on practical help.

1: please seek help from your HV and GP you are not a failure but I think likely to be suffering from Post partum depression

2: Contact homestart or ask your HV if they can refer you. They are a fantastic charity who can help out with children to give you a break

3: stop doing things for your husband he's a adult (although not acting like it) just do stuff for you and baby - he is completely out of order

4: please know you are not a failure what so ever velcro babies are hard (DS1 was one) you are simply doing the things to survive

5: please reach out to someone in RL a friend?

6: you definitely are allowed to cancel if you or baby aren't feeling well enough if his mum starts simply reply with I've said X can arrange and bring baby I'm not responsible for him if he doesn't make the effort.

OP your other half needs to step up. He should be the one helping with housework and also taking the baby so you get time for self care.
And you need to make sure you look after yourself...brushing your teeth should take priority over tidying up and washing dishes etc.

It's not your MILs job to volunteer to help or come and do your housework.....neither my mum or MIL did this for me.

But also the bad days are the days you need help. It shouldn't matter if you don't feel "up to it" if she comes round she can take baby out in the pram and give you some rest or time to do jobs, she may even help with housework etc.
So be brave and stick to plans even if you feel rubbish.....because at the minute you are burning yourself out trying to achieve an ideal with no support, and then turning away the support unless you have achieved your ideal standard already

Thanks for replying everyone. I know that I need to stop being a martyr. I think my issue is that my baby crying makes me think I’m a failure because I blame myself even though she’s a baby and she’s going to cry that’s how she communicates. I need to look after myself otherwise I can’t be the best mum to her. Because I’m so exhausted and depressed I’m less resilient so having in laws phone me up saying my mil has never seen her grandchild and I’m excluding her is the last thing I need But yeah I shouldn’t care but I find it hard not to. I want to be liked by everyone (which is impossible). I’d have better self esteem if I had a proper rest. When I explained to in laws that I’ve cancelled because I feel low because I’m exhausted from doing everything whilst my husband does nothing they were like oh we get it now, you’re not cancelling to be mean or to purposefully stop her seeing her grandchild.

plus I think MIL wants her son to visit her more so I think blaming me maybe makes it less painful for her instead of thinking her son doesn’t make the effort

That's your real problem, Op.

It’s not about being a martyr, you’re blaming yourself again. You are being woefully unsupported by the person who should be your best support. That’s the issue here, your pathetic husband. Are you happy? You don’t sound happy. Are you on medication or in a position to take up counselling? Ultimately my gut feeling reading your posts is you’d be happier as a single parent without this manchild doing nothing to support you. Do you have friends or family around?

I know what you mean, I don’t expect any help though, I only mentioned the lack of help or a break to give context to why I’m so exhausted which is why I cancel.

on hard days I can see what you’re saying about following through with plans, but the issue is my MIL would come over and not speak to me whenever we spent time together. She’d sit in silence and not even say hello how’re you. I’d have to do all the talking. I asked her if I’d done something wrong and she said no. Yeah she’s maybe not very talkative but when I’m feeling low the last thing I want or need is to have a visitor that I need to entertain basically. And imagine this - if she did come when I’m feeling low or upset etc she wouldn’t say anything, she wouldn’t be like are you okay? Do you want a hug? Let’s chat? She just sits in silence, she’ll even answer the phone to say she’s visiting the baby. But won’t say one word to me

Like others, I think you should see your GP about how low you're feeling. See if you can take medication that steadies your mood.

However, you must realise that your DH is a major factor in how you're feeling? He is worse than useless and you are suffering for his inadequacies.

Can you access an employee helpline at work? Is there a way for you to get some counselling to help you see the bigger picture and to consider how you want your future to look?

When you're feeling a little stronger, I think you should tell your DH that he is letting you down. He's letting his child down. He's destroying his marriage. If there is anything decent about him then he'd pull himself together and start behaving like a father and husband. Giving you a break. Appreciating you. Treating you with love and respect.

As for MIL, she has her own problems. She has been let down by her son who has created this distance between her and her GD. But none of that is your doing or your problem. Maybe take a different tack with her and reduce contact. Send her regular pics. If you're going to soft play, message her in the morning and say we're going to be at venue at 11, why doesn't she pop down to see you both and have a coffee. Be more spontaneous with her than scheduled visits.

But most of all, ignore the gossip that the wider family are thoughtlessly spreading. It may be exaggerated from what MIL has said to them. Regardless, she's an ill woman who you have little in common with. If she and her relatives want to slag you off, let them. It makes no useful difference to your life.

Your priority right now is you. You need taking care. Let your GP help you get support.

If MIL is too much of a delicate flower to cope with canceled visits then the solution is simple - no more prearranged visits. If you still want to see her, make it strictly on a spontaneous basis only. But I agree with others that your main problem is your useless, selfish dick of a husband.

Unfortunately she doesn’t do spontaneous, other family members have said they think she has undiagnosed autism

Having read your latest post - I really, really feel for you.
unfortunately, for your MIL to sympathise with you properly she would have to accept her son was a bit of a shit to you, and she is not willing to do this. So you will be the problem. It’s not fair and completely unreasonable but I would try very hard to just accept she is going to be very biased towards her son and you can’t take it personally because of that. Leave all relationships with her to your DH and be clear with them both that’s how it will work. You’ve done nothing wrong cancelling but it’s their business now. You 100% do not need that nonsense.
you have done brilliantly to get this far - please put yourself first for a change. Someone mentioned using annual leave while she is in nursery - do that! Go to a spa! Or whatever.
i think you said yourself you need to advocate for yourself - if you keep waiting for people to see you are struggling and give you an break it won’t come, you need to make it happen. And I say this as someone with a good DH and family, but still had to advocate for myself. I take a bath now when DH comes home and just give the kids to him. He never offered it - I just do it now. Insist.
Please do just leave her with him on a weekend for a while and take some time.
big hugs, you will get there xx

No, not at all. I was a mess with dd1 who didn’t sleep (twins were bizarrely easier as I had a routine and they slept!). You’re not a failure, I just think you should speak to your health visitor - I think it would be helpful for you.

Oh my days. I'm really sorry you're currently stuck with this utterly useless wankpuffin. See you GP, get your strength back and start thinking about your exit plan

I am sorry @Hedgehogdetective while MIL sounds a bit difficult this is the least of your worries. Your DH has equal parental responsibility and if he won’t step up you really need to look at whether he is right for you. But you sound in a bad place too. DH complaining that you being depressed is stressing him out sounds like he couldn’t care less and is about 12.

No. You aren't. Your useless husband is. He is a pathetic failure as a husband and as a father. Did he even want children in the first place?

Please see your GP and get help for your depression. Then when you are feeeling stronger evealuate your marriage and decide whether it is worth staying with this useless, lazy piece of shit.

And please take strength from everyone saying that the problem is not you, but everyone else.

You will feel a lot better if you just kick out the lazy asshole husband.

What you need to do @Hedgehogdetective, is arrange a visit when your Dh who ditches his parental responsibilities of an evening, is around and then YOU go out. Go anywhere. Get your hair done. MiL and DH can muddle through.

You definitely have a MAHOOOSIVE DH problem. In 10 months has he ever put the baby to sleep? He should start that now. You need to shower every evening. When you have a baby, you adjust. It doesn't read to me as though he's adjusted a whole lot in his life.

I'd be as dishevelled as I could be when MiL arrives, don't gloss over it. She gets to see you as she would if she was popping in from living around the corner. If you haven't showered, you hand her your baby and say "Right, I'm taking half an hour to shower and feel more like the old me. You've got this, right?" as you walk out of the room. She's a parent and a grandparent. Leave her to it for 30 mins.

See how you get on but the key to this is getting your DH on side and doing more. She can see just how much (or how little) her own Precious Darling Son is doing for his child.

OP, you need to take a massive step back from all of this.

Tell MIL that she needs to organise all visits with her son from now on.

Who cares if they blame you? These people don't matter a jot.

None of them helped you or help you now so their opinions are irrelevant. The type of sexist cunts who blame the wife even though it's their lazy son/brother at fault do not deserve your worry.

It will be so freeing not to worry about this anymore.

Why are you focusing on your MIL when you have a massive DH problem?

He's a useless twat. He should be doing equal parenting in the evenings and weekends.

You have a husband problem.

It's not an either/or situation. Both the DH and his mother sound like cunts. OP is perfectly entitled to tell MIL she won't be organising, facilitaing or hosting visits anymore.

Well, true, @exomoon, but I think OP should be focusing on her relationship with her husband. She married him, not her MIL. It's his baby, not MIL's.