Cancelling visits with in laws

[Hedgehogdetective]

I have repeatedly expressed to my in laws that I’m struggling with my baby. I went about ten months with no break, not even 5 mins to myself. No one babysat or came over and helped with housework etc. I have lost several stone and have problems with my teeth because some days I didn’t get to clean them. I am totally exhausted and mentally broken from lack of sleep and rest.

My MIL is the type to not ask to visit or make the effort to reach out and ask to meet up. She waits for me to do all the initiating. I was annoyed by this because in my mind if you want to see your grandchild you’d make the effort. I had to tell her straight up if she wants to visit just ask! Don’t wait to be asked.

So she started making more effort. She cancelled some times due to her health which was fine, no big deal. I cancelled a few times because my baby was having a bad day or I was feeling low or not up for visitors.

I then had other in laws criticising me saying I am stopping her from seeing her grandchild and excluding her. This baffled me because she has seen baby the most out of everyone and I kept inviting her over.

i felt hurt hearing this as I felt I was being portrayed wrongly. I asked my MIL what the issue was and she said that me cancelling on her is “devastating” and she can’t handle it. She said if I make plans with her in the future I’m not allowed to cancel. I said that’s impossible and I can cancel if I want to. I felt she was being unreasonable but she said she wasn’t.

now I feel I have to 1. Force myself to spend time with someone even if it’s a bad day or I’m exhausted from lack of support and 2. If I don’t make plans with her or I do cancel that she’ll bad mouth me to the rest of the family

this is causing me a lot of stress and arguments with my husband.

so am I being unreasonable to think it’s ok to cancel?

Okay. Thank you for answering, I hope I didn’t make you feel upset by asking. You sound very low indeed which, given your updates, isn’t surprising. Have you sought help from your gp for the way you’re feeling? It’s very unfortunate that your partner is so unsupportive and seemingly absent. How many nights a week is he out? He needs to curb that, life cannot continue just as before at your expense!

Perhaps your DH can take your baby to see his mum while you have a bath and a sleep? This isn't totally on you. You need to help and support. You need a rest. It sounds as though DH has some catching up to do in terms of providing for his wife, bonding with his baby and his relationship with his mother.

Is there no happy medium on mumsnet lol. Either the MIL never comes to see the grandkids or they come too much! I'm glad I'm not a MIL they can't do right for doing wrong!

You’re complaining that your disabled MIL has not visited enough to support you with your baby, while your DH goes out to play sports in the evenings rather than give you a break?

i don’t think your MIL is the problem here.

This issue sounds like at heart it's really not about your MIL at all but about your husband. Why is he not pulling his weight with the baby and making sure you get a break? Why is he not the one communicating with MIL about these issues? Why is he "going to sports in the evenings" when his baby is this young and his wife is having such a a difficult time?

It sounds like you have a couple of issues here.
Please see your GP as it sounds like you might be depressed.
Secondly, it sounds like your husband doesn't pull his weight and is never at home. He needs to step up.

Do you have any family?

Do you live with the babies father? Confused as to why you are unable to have any personal time at all. What is his role. You can say you want and expect help from him. If you don't want MIL involved on a particular day just cancel. You are in charge.

My issue is with her saying I’m purposefully excluding her by cancelling because I’m exhausted when she is aware of how much I’m struggling but she seems to think I’m cancelling because of something to do with her ie she’s taking it personally

Tell her to get a grip. If you don’t want to see her you are fine to cancel

You've got a MIL problem, a husband problem and a you problem. The main one being your inability to leave your baby alone. If you don't sort this it will only get worse. You need to get help for this. Your husband needs to step up here and take the child. If her crying triggers you, he needs to walk her outside where you can't hear her. If your MIL only lives 10 minutes away, he can bring her round there solving all problems at once. You get sleep and your MIL sees the baby.

I had the same issue for at least 6 months. Then got better with naps but the clinginess returned at 12 months!
don’t beat yourself up. Does sound like you need some help - sleep support and general help

Yeah I told his mum about how unsupportive he is and how I’m exhausted from doing everything not just for the baby but for him too and she didn’t reply but messaged my husband saying I was giving her a hard time (lol)

Have you got a sling? My second is a Velcro baby and literally will not be put down without screeching and this saved my sanity.

Also, you need to look after yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Put the baby down, crying or not, and go and brush your teeth, go to the loo, eat, do what you need to do. Baby will survive. You will feel better.

Your H needs to stop or reduce all this sport and be actively parenting his child. And bugger MIL.

I would bet also that your baby is picking up on your unhappiness and stress. You do sound very down. Does your baby spend any time with anyone apart from you?

My first was very clingy, DH worked long hours and we don’t live near either family. I spent a lot of time at baby groups, playgroups, park meet ups, play dates as I needed a network of supportive friends around me. Are you getting out at all during the day?

Have an open and honest conversation with her, explain that you are struggling and you have difficult days which have nothing to do with her so no need to take it personally when you cancel.

but more importantly, you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. I had a Velcro baby too, two in fact so I understand what you are saying. For the full first year I couldn’t shower unless husband was home to hold the baby. What you need to do is sort things out with your husband so he helps and looks after his child too, particularly on weekends and in the evenings. Also, implement a rule: his family - his issue, your family - your issue. No need to arrange anything with them, he needs to be the one to do it. Explain this MIL as well. She should be going to him, not you.

Hang in there, it does get better but you need to look after yourself.

As is always the case - the problem lies with your husband and to some degree with you for allowing him to abdicate his responsibility as a husband and parent

I’m back at work and she’s at nursery. Going back to work has helped as it means I have people to talk to (I had even said to his mum because she can’t help with practical things it would be nice to chat more but she didn’t make much effort there either and when I would make conversation I’d get one word replies like “lol” or a thumbs up on fb messenger. Or she just wouldn’t reply at all)

I don’t have family support as my own mum has bipolar

Why are you messaging his mum about him being unsupportive? Have you spoken to / told him this directly? How shores he respond?

I get what you’re saying, I did apologise to her afterwards because I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I just wanted her to try to understand the reasons I’ve cancelled, because I’m so exhausted and it’s nothing personal to do with her.

I had a Velcro baby but never failed to clean my teeth. Put baby in a sling or bouncer in the bathroom - might cry but that’s fine for the time it takes to clean teeth. I really mean kindly - it’s okay to let them cry a little. Even with dh working away from home, my family 4 hours away and others in an different country, and me home with a toddler and new born twins I still cleaned my teeth and ate food. Please speak to your health visitor.

Because he doesn’t listen to me and other family said his mum might be able to talk some sense into him