Cancelling visits with in laws

[Hedgehogdetective]

I have repeatedly expressed to my in laws that I’m struggling with my baby. I went about ten months with no break, not even 5 mins to myself. No one babysat or came over and helped with housework etc. I have lost several stone and have problems with my teeth because some days I didn’t get to clean them. I am totally exhausted and mentally broken from lack of sleep and rest.

My MIL is the type to not ask to visit or make the effort to reach out and ask to meet up. She waits for me to do all the initiating. I was annoyed by this because in my mind if you want to see your grandchild you’d make the effort. I had to tell her straight up if she wants to visit just ask! Don’t wait to be asked.

So she started making more effort. She cancelled some times due to her health which was fine, no big deal. I cancelled a few times because my baby was having a bad day or I was feeling low or not up for visitors.

I then had other in laws criticising me saying I am stopping her from seeing her grandchild and excluding her. This baffled me because she has seen baby the most out of everyone and I kept inviting her over.

i felt hurt hearing this as I felt I was being portrayed wrongly. I asked my MIL what the issue was and she said that me cancelling on her is “devastating” and she can’t handle it. She said if I make plans with her in the future I’m not allowed to cancel. I said that’s impossible and I can cancel if I want to. I felt she was being unreasonable but she said she wasn’t.

now I feel I have to 1. Force myself to spend time with someone even if it’s a bad day or I’m exhausted from lack of support and 2. If I don’t make plans with her or I do cancel that she’ll bad mouth me to the rest of the family

this is causing me a lot of stress and arguments with my husband.

so am I being unreasonable to think it’s ok to cancel?

She has cancelled on me in the past and I’ve just accepted it
next time make a massive song and dance, tell her she's not allowed to cancel, etc, serve her own medicine right back to her

Or, rise above it

I have one of those babies, he’s 14 months now. Unless you’ve had one, you don’t know what it’s like. My first wasn’t like this so it is not a PFB thing / something you’re doing wrong. I am so exhausted that I have been sent for an MRI due to the doctors thinking I have nervous system issues. The “help” is me taking the baby to visit family. I can’t give any advice but know you’re not alone and to those questioning why you can’t have a moment to yourself, I get you. You really don’t get a moment, not to wee, not to brush your teeth. If you do those things, it’s met with so much screaming that it takes a long time to attempt to settle, it’s either not worth it or exhausting to do it anyway. Reach out to me if you need to chat so you feel less alone x

I'd be sending my husband to visit the in laws with the baby so I had five minutes to myself!

Blows my mind!

1. Stop facilitating visits for MIL. She is not your responsibility.

1. If MIL's family ring you up or confront you in person to criticise you, hang up / walk away. Do not engage with these awful people.

1. Get a divorce. Your H is a prick. He fucks off every evening to play sports, has a lie in every weekend, complains about being tired while you don't even have time to BRUSH YOUR TEETH? What an absolute bastard he is. If you can't bring yourself to divorce yet, stop doing anything for him. No laundry, no cleaning up after him, nothing. In fact, try a trial separation. Send him packing to his mother's house, she can deal with him. If you divorced, you'd have no man-child to look after. It'd just be you and your precious baby. Do not waste another minute of your life on this awful sorry excuse of a husband / father.

1. You are not pathetic. You have raised a baby all by yourself, while dealing with a shit, selfish husband and shit, selfish in-laws, are back at work and are doing your best for your baby. You are amazing.

1. See point 3. Get a divorce. You'll be much happier.

1. Go see your GP. You sound like you need some support. GP is a good place to start.

Agreed

I would never expect my SIL to be coordinating visits from my parents and me to see my brothers kids. Obviously I go via him or via our group chat that we're all in.

@softslicedwhite

“And in many cases as you read more and more about the parent you see that they too are a Velcro parent. And I don't say this to bash, or make parents, especially women, feel horrific about having what could be perceived as a high needs child or employing attachment parenting methods. I just find it interesting that the baby is the one perceived as needy when actually the parent also plays a role.”

It’s an interesting point you make, but I am in a similar situation to OP but having already had one very much not-Velcro baby. My parenting is the same, if not more laid back with baby #2, happier to hand over to anyone who’ll hold him, can’t get to him as quickly as I have a 2YO. Reading this, I am not sure if I should be blaming myself for my own failings right now because I’ve been too high needs, but if I have, then it doesn’t account for the enormous difference between my first (chilled) and second (velcro) borns.

Tell her to resolve the situation that going forwards your husband will be bringing the baby to see her once/twice a week

the ownership is then on him and it will also give you a break to have some time to yourself

You have a huge DH problem. Your husband:

• is not taking any responsibility caring for his child, to the point you're exhausted and can't take care of your basic needs
• is going out to 'sports' in the evenings, leaving you, still exhausted
• isn't even doing the coordination with his own parents which he agreed to do, causing arguments and upsetting his mum
• isn't standing up for you to his parents
• does not seem to be contributing in any way to the housework, looking after baby or supporting your mental/physical health

Does this man make your life better? You've skipped over the questions about him but it's heartbreaking to read how down you are, and infuriating to think your partner is there and not helping! Please do take the advice to see a GP seriously, you sound very low and there should be routes to support that will make this easier

Firstly, OP, I’m really really sorry that you have been driven so low.
it’s not the same scenario, but I had an incredibly difficult second baby with lots of issues who screamed all the time and slept very badly. I went back to work when he was 10 months old and he was like this til he was about 3. My husband was diagnosed with serious life threatening illness as I went back to work, so I did all of the nights because husband needed all the rest he could get (not his fault and my choice to try and give him the best possible chance), so I had very little respite. Different situation, but I want to tell you I have some understanding of what a tunnel this feels like. I look back and have no idea how I got through it. I felt totally desperate, I was so completely beyond exhausted, couldn’t see straight at all. I’m so very sorry you are in this place. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

As so many people are saying, and I am sure this is going to make you feel so much worse, your partner is the problem. He is being incredibly, worryingly selfish and immature. I can only imagine how hard this is to hear let alone tackling when you are this low and probably lacking the ability to think proactively because you are just surviving.

You cannot do anything without more sleep/ rest. So the absolute first thing to do is to find one way to start building yourself up. You also desperately need to find someone to confide in who can help you find a way through. It’s really important to feel heard, without judgement, which you are not getting from your partner and his selfish family. You may feel as you start to express this that a large amount of stress and pressure lifts from you, which of itself a huge part of feeling unwell.

As many people have said, a GP appointment sounds like an important place to start. Do you have any private health/ employee assistance programme benefits at work? That may also be a decent avenue to go down.

Once you are stronger you can look to establish a way to do something about your situation with your partner. I can understand this is going to feel unsurmountable until your mental health and rest feels more solid.

I know and recognise the despair of this level of fatigue. my inbox is open should you want to chat offline.
lots of love to you

I have to say, if my MIL repaid my efforts to involve her by slagging me off to family, especially when I was at my lowest, I’d also be giving her just cause to moan as she would from that point on have zero access to me.
i appreciate that you are not emotionally in a position to be kicking people to the kerb, but when I was in your position (dangerously exhausted with zero bandwidth) I quickly learned to be focusing on absolute essentials. When the boat is sinking, deadweight gets chucked overboard.
MIL Drains who come to my house and refuse to speak, then slag me off to relatives (who are then stupid enough to call and drag me about it) would all be top of the Things to Jettison list.
The arrogance and cheek of your husband and his entire **ing family to be dragging you at this time!!! As my dad used to say “those that contribute the least demand the most.”
Never a truer word.
xxx