Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is he trying to violate a scheduling boundary, or am I being over-sensitive?

95 replies

SallyMcCarthy · 24/04/2024 18:26

Okay, so: I used to run a course at a university. When I left a year ago, the head of department asked if I'd do them a massive favour and agree to do one 1-hour supervision with each student on my course in their second year. This would mean doing paid hourly work after I'd left my position. I agreed, thinking this was the right thing to do because when the students started the course, they'd each been promised a 1-2-1 session with me in their final (2nd) year.

So, these sessions were arranged. I turned up (on Zoom) to do one for a student - let's call her Maureen - the other day, and she didn't turn up. I waited 15 minutes, then closed down the Zoom and emailed her saying, 'You didn't turn up - hope all is well etc.' She emailed and said 'Sorry, completely forgot, can we rearrange?' I said, 'Really sorry, but no. I'm completely over-scheduled and overcommitted and there's no more space in my diary between now and the end of your Year 2.'

The next day, the new Course Director wrote and said, 'Maureen's very sorry, she forgot and is there any chance you can squeeze her in? If you can't, another student is willing to give her their slot with you.' I didn't really notice the second part of this because I was reading v quickly, and I sent a quick reply saying, 'Really sorry, no - I'm snowed under.'

Then this morning I get an email from another student on this course - let's call him Dave - saying 'I am writing to cancel my forthcoming supervision with you.' When I read this, I remembered that the new course director had said that 'Another student is willing to let Maureen have his slot.'

Okay, so that's all background. Here's my question: am I being unreasonable to think that if Dave wants to cancel, that's his choice, but once he cancels, it's not up to him to say that he's 'giving' what would have been his hour with me to Maureen? My view is: once he cancels, and takes himself out of my diary, then I have that hour back and I can assign it to any activity I want. He and the course director would be very unreasonable (I think?) to say, 'Now that you've had a cancellation from Dave, you can give Maureen that hour and fit her in'. I think that's a massive violation of the boundary around my time management/scheduling. I don't think I'd ever say to anyone: 'I'm cancelling my meeting with you and so you must now give that hour to a person of my choosing?' But am I wrong? Should I relax and think, 'Ah, it's fine - if Dave doesn't mind, then I can just move Maureen into that hour instead and who cares?' How bad/cheeky is Dave for suggesting/trying to do this? How inflexible/unreasonable am I being? Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
DragonGypsyDoris · 24/04/2024 18:30

You sound a bit uptight and really inflexible. Can you really not spare one single hour between now and the end of the academic year? Just be kind, and accommodate 'Maureen' so that she feels supported.

Allelbowsandtoes · 24/04/2024 18:30

I think yabu. If this was all part of your full time usual job role then obviously you can do whatever you want with the time from cancelled meetings.

To me though it seems a bit different in this case as you have been contracted for a set number of hours for a specific purpose (providing these supervisions). What else would you do with that hour that you're being paid by this employer?

MissUltraViolet · 24/04/2024 18:30

I think this girl sounds like she really, really wants this hour to speak with you and her friend is doing his best to try make it happen for her by trying to give his slot.

You were not being unreasonable to not add another slot/try squeeze her in but I do think you're being unreasonable not to give her his slot.

CornishPorsche · 24/04/2024 18:30

Why should Dave give up his 121 for Maureen? Just how essential is this hour?

7yo7yo · 24/04/2024 18:31

Total CFry.
But so was them asking for your time.
Don’t allow them to take the piss.

TinyYellow · 24/04/2024 18:34

Why is the meeting so much more important to Maureen than Dave? Does Maureen have stuff going on in life that she can be easily forgiven for forgetting her slot and Dave is being compassionate or is he just trying to get in her pants?

I can’t imagine the course director being happy for one student to give their slot to another without good reason.

WimpoleHat · 24/04/2024 18:36

You do sound very inflexible. Can’t you say to the course director that you’ll give her another slot but charge for the cancelled slot as well? (Fair enough to do that - you allocated that time to her and she didn’t show up.)

Ilovelurchers · 24/04/2024 18:39

I think that if Maureen can use specific time slot you had allocated for Dave it's fine. Your obligation is to your employers primarily, you have agreed to work certain hours for them, so if they want to now assign you Maureen rather than Dave to work with in that time really i think that is their prerogative. After all, working with Maureen sounds well within your remit, since you were going to work with her in the first place.

I am a teacher - my school pay me to teach certain hours, and are at liberty to change my timetable at will. It wouldn't be great if they suddenly asked me to teach a subject I know nothing about (it does happen) - but as long as they ask me to do something I am comfortably capable of doing I think that is their right.

It does seem like you see these hours as something you are giving to some extent as a favour - I understand that me have been how it was all discussed. But fundamentally, you are paid so it is work, and needs to function like work, I reckon. If you were doing it unpaid, totally different ball game. ....

WannabeMathematician · 24/04/2024 18:39

Given that you have said that you are already over committed I don’t think it’s unreasonable not to give it to her if she asks.

KrisAkabusi · 24/04/2024 18:40

No. You have an hour scheduled with Dave. He is prepared to give that up for Maureen, not so that you can do your laundry or whatever else you might want to do. It is his time being traded not yours. YABU.

WannabeMathematician · 24/04/2024 18:41

Sorry to quibble but has anyone actually asked you to give that slot to Maureen?

musicforthesoul · 24/04/2024 18:42

I don't see what the problem is with giving Maureen Dave's slot if she can do the time and both students + course director are happy with it.

Surely you're contracted for X number of hours in the year, which works out as 1 hour per student. Does it really matter which student it is in which slot?

saveforthat · 24/04/2024 18:47

I think it's cheeky of them OP and I get why you feel they are pushing the boundaries. It sounds like you are regretting doing this at all and I don't blame you. It's up to the student to turn up, if it was important to them they wouldn't forget.

ViaRia01 · 24/04/2024 18:47

I can absolutely see where you’re coming from.

if, for you, the issue is genuinely just a scheduling issue and you can’t accommodate an extra hour, that’s fine but the suggestion from Dave should solve that and you could accept it and everyone is happy.

if it’s a wider issue for you… Maureen needs to learn to respect people’s diaries, or you actually do want to speak to Dave … then the suggestion doesn’t really resolve it for you and so I can understand why you wouldn’t say no.

maybe the problem is really just that you have been told that you now have a fee hour for Maureen, rather than a request from Dave “if I cancel my meeting with you can you please help Maureen as I know how much she would benefit from this time with you”

DeeCeeCherry · 24/04/2024 18:48

Can't be that important to Maureen if she forgot. She must have a diary, surely. Do what you want - you dont have to bend over backwards to please people, even though so many think thats what women must do (Be Kind🙄). What for? She was offered a slot and missed it, if you dont fancy rescheduling then that's that isn't it. She had you waiting around for her. I bet men don't overthink this kind of thing, and have a load of men rushing to say they SHOULD do stuff.

daliesque · 24/04/2024 18:53

No way are you unreasonable. Sod that. When you're overburdened a spare hour when someone cancels is a godsend. And it teaches the buggers to keep to commitments.

Maglian · 24/04/2024 18:53

They of course should have discussed it with you, but essentially if uni are paying you for say 10 hours of supervision, I think you should make yourself available for those 10 sessions.

I think it's hyperbole to call it a "massive violation of the boundary around my time management/scheduling" when you have already committed to do work for the uni in that hour, and they are paying you to do so.

ALunchbox · 24/04/2024 18:56

Universities can be very exploitative. My response would be dictated by how I was treated by the university previously. If fairly, I'd be flexible. If unfairly, I wouldn't be.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 24/04/2024 19:00

Nope. You are being perfectly reasonable in refusing to take Maureen. She had the opportunity to speak to you and she forgot. If she had a decent excuse, then I would consider it but she doesn’t appear to have one.

I am a lecturer and find students much more demanding and entitled these days. It is not up to Maureen or Dave to tell you what to do with your time. You were contracted to give each student an hour. Maureen has had her hour, she just didn’t use it. It’s up to Dave if he wants to use his hour or not.

Roundandback · 24/04/2024 19:03

You are not being unreasonable at all.

If Dave wants to cancel his slot and miss out then that is up to him. It has no bearing on whether Maureen gets another opportunity to meet you with or not.

These are students who are expected to manage their own time and workload. It will do Maureen no favours to make an exception for her.

itsgettingweird · 24/04/2024 19:09

I get what you are a saying but.....

You allocated X number of hours for these 1:1s. No one is asking you to increase that commitment just switch your time from one student to another.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 24/04/2024 19:14

itsgettingweird · 24/04/2024 19:09

I get what you are a saying but.....

You allocated X number of hours for these 1:1s. No one is asking you to increase that commitment just switch your time from one student to another.

Asking her to do that is showing a complete disrespect for her time. The student forgot to turn up so she misses out. Dave's slot is irrelevant to Maureen.

SilkFloss · 24/04/2024 19:17

This would piss me off too, as I HATE being manipulated and that is what appears to be happening here.
You told Maureen no and then she went behind your back to another member of staff to try to get them to pressure you. And when that didn't work, it sounds as if she might be commandeering Dave on her behalf now too. Cheeky and I would resent having to comply, to be honest.
Agree, it can't have been that important to her if she just "forgot."
If the worst comes to the absolute worst, I suppose you could offer her half an hour? You've already spent 15 minutes of "her" time waiting for her to not show up.

MargaretBall · 24/04/2024 19:18

You are I assume being paid for x number of hours so does it really matter to you whether it’s Dave or Maureen you tutor during one of these paid hours? Have you thought about you why this has triggered you to such an extent, as why you may feel annoyed at being forced into giving Maureen a second chance, your reaction seems like an over reaction. Are you as hard on yourself as you are with others ? Perhaps there are things going on in Maureen’s life that you not privy to that are having an impact - disability, life crap - perhaps not , who knows . But giving the benefit of the doubt , the hour with Maureen may positively benefit her. You on the other hand will suffer no financial loss , no time loss. Not suggesting you be a walk over but not everything has to be a battle to control a situation or win.

RelapsedChocoholic · 24/04/2024 19:22

Based on what you’ve written, you seem to be getting annoyed over something that hasn’t happened?

No-one has demanded you give that slot to the first student - the course director asked, you said no.

Did you leave due to being unhappy with the uni?