Is he trying to violate a scheduling boundary, or am I being over-sensitive?

[SallyMcCarthy]

Okay, so: I used to run a course at a university. When I left a year ago, the head of department asked if I'd do them a massive favour and agree to do one 1-hour supervision with each student on my course in their second year. This would mean doing paid hourly work after I'd left my position. I agreed, thinking this was the right thing to do because when the students started the course, they'd each been promised a 1-2-1 session with me in their final (2nd) year.

So, these sessions were arranged. I turned up (on Zoom) to do one for a student - let's call her Maureen - the other day, and she didn't turn up. I waited 15 minutes, then closed down the Zoom and emailed her saying, 'You didn't turn up - hope all is well etc.' She emailed and said 'Sorry, completely forgot, can we rearrange?' I said, 'Really sorry, but no. I'm completely over-scheduled and overcommitted and there's no more space in my diary between now and the end of your Year 2.'

The next day, the new Course Director wrote and said, 'Maureen's very sorry, she forgot and is there any chance you can squeeze her in? If you can't, another student is willing to give her their slot with you.' I didn't really notice the second part of this because I was reading v quickly, and I sent a quick reply saying, 'Really sorry, no - I'm snowed under.'

Then this morning I get an email from another student on this course - let's call him Dave - saying 'I am writing to cancel my forthcoming supervision with you.' When I read this, I remembered that the new course director had said that 'Another student is willing to let Maureen have his slot.'

Okay, so that's all background. Here's my question: am I being unreasonable to think that if Dave wants to cancel, that's his choice, but once he cancels, it's not up to him to say that he's 'giving' what would have been his hour with me to Maureen? My view is: once he cancels, and takes himself out of my diary, then I have that hour back and I can assign it to any activity I want. He and the course director would be very unreasonable (I think?) to say, 'Now that you've had a cancellation from Dave, you can give Maureen that hour and fit her in'. I think that's a massive violation of the boundary around my time management/scheduling. I don't think I'd ever say to anyone: 'I'm cancelling my meeting with you and so you must now give that hour to a person of my choosing?' But am I wrong? Should I relax and think, 'Ah, it's fine - if Dave doesn't mind, then I can just move Maureen into that hour instead and who cares?' How bad/cheeky is Dave for suggesting/trying to do this? How inflexible/unreasonable am I being? Thanks in advance!

I'm assuming that this isn't really about your schedule because Dave cancelling means that you would be able to accommodate Maureen if you were inclined to do so. You wouldn't actually end up doing any more hours than you had committed to do in the first place.

So it seems that this is more about your irritation with Maureen for having forgotten, and feeling that you want to teach her a lesson of some sort. I presume that this is also why you chose to ignore that part of the email from the course director - because you don't think Maureen deserves another chance.

I think that's a bit mean, personally. You have no idea what might have been going on with Maureen to make her forget.

You're being paid by the hour! What difference to you does it make which student you're teaching during the hour you're being paid for?!

I think you're being really unreasonable about this. A solution has been proposed which has no additional impact on you - as you were scheduled to teach that hour anyway - but which clearly works for both the students you're paid to teach. You're being massively oversensitive and uptight about a non-issue.

I just don’t understand why, if time with you is so valuable that the professor is chasing it up you and Maureen is DESPERATE for another chance, that Dave can afford to miss this hour?

It's supervision. Presumably Maureen has some things about her studies that she needs guidance on, while Dave feels he's on track and getting along fine so doesn't need that contact time.

When I wrote my dissertation at university, there were some people who saw their tutor for supervision once a fortnight because they really felt they needed that guidance/support/reassurance, and others (like me) who didn't take up the offer of contact time and saw them once to agree a topic and then never went back to see them again until it was time to hand it in.

I can also see Dave, Maureen and the other blokes point in that it doesn't make a difference who you see, the slot is for an hour supervision
I would really like OP to explain why they are so reluctant to do that.

Dave won’t cancel if the appt is not transferred to Maureen so it is not a matter of OP being able to choose what she wants to do with the free hour: the hour will have to be spent doing a session anyway, so why is it so crucial which student attends?

Re-reading the original post, I get the impression that perhaps there are things going on in Maureen’s life that the course director and Dave are aware of, but she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with you. Both of them spend more time with her than you do - you’re just seeing these students occasionally on Zoom - and the course director seems to feel it’s important that she be given another chance.

The first time reading the post, I didn’t register that you were having the meetings on Zoom and not in person. I think that makes you even more unreasonable, because it’s not like you had to travel to a different location for this. You just sat in front of your computer, probably did something else while waiting for Maureen, and after fifteen minutes you had the rest of the hour to do whatever you wanted.

i think you feel overscheduled and resentful of that and you’re taking it out on Maureen.

Unless your contract says otherwise, I don’t think you are obliged to give Dave’s spot to Maureen.

Dave’s cancelled without mentioning Maureen, unless your contract requires you to have specific hours available for the university to use I think it’s fine for you to now reassign that hour to whatever priority you have and it’s fine if it’s not the priority the university has. If you want the time back for things of your own and you aren’t contractually required to do it or going to be charging the university for Dave’s hour I think it’s fine to stick to your guns, though you might consider whether you’ll need the goodwill of the university in the future and how much this might affect that.

Really rude of Maureen not to have turned up or informed you in advance and you aren’t required to go out of your way for her just because she wants you to, even if she’s having a particularly hard time for some reason.

Well what does your contract or agreement with the university say?

The irony of OP not returning to the thread and therefore not answering questions or updating. Quite rude.

Hi all,

I didn't realise OPs were expected to return and say more - definitely wasn't intending to be rude! I thought it might be regarded as intrusive to keep popping back up. I'm very new to Mumsnet. Anyway, thanks for all your answers - they've really helped me to work out what precisely has made me so annoyed when on one level I can see it doesn't really matter. If Dave had written and said, 'Can I cancel and give my slot to Maureen?' I would have felt I'd been dealt with straightforwardly, that would have been fine. What annoyed me was that Dave wrote and said, 'I want to cancel my slot' and gave no reason at all. I then suspected that he was only doing that so that his slot could (presumably at some time later?) be given to Maureen. Sure enough, more than 24 hours later, Course Director gets in touch and says 'Right, I believe Dave has cancelled - can Maureen now have his slot?' Which means that (again, as I suspected) everyone assumed that free hour in my schedule would just wait around for them to fill. Now, as it happened, that hour was still free because I kept it free, suspecting that exactly this would happen - but normally, if an hour is freed up in my schedule, my PA fills it with something else almost immediately. No one said to me 'When Dave cancels, please keep his hour free for Maureen.' Dave didn't say, 'Please give this hour to Maureen, or explain that's why he was cancelling.' I feel they're all a) assuming they can do what they like with this hour of my time, which will wait around for them to use as they, between them, wish, b) not communicating fairly or openly, c) overriding my decision/opinion. I agreed, as a favour to the department, to see each student for an hour. I chose to do that to help each student. I did not at any point choose, or indicate a wish or willingness, to deprive a student who would for sure have remembered and turned up of that chance in order to benefit a student who forgot and didn't turn up. I'm not sure it's their business/right to make that choice for me!

So, my conclusion is: I don't think I'm being unreasonable. BUT, I am also firmly committed to democracy, and I can see the majority does think I'm being unreasonable, so here's what I'm going to do: 1) uncancel Dave's session, 2) offer Maureen a replacement session, 3) err on the side of making sure I'm not unreasonable and that no one suffers from my potential unreasonableness, 4) be pissed off with Maureen, Dave and the course director (because I just am, and can't help it. Maybe that's unreasonable of me but sometimes one's feelings just aren't about reason.

Anyway, thanks for all views!

I didn’t think you were being unreasonable at all, OP.

Is the course director male or female?

What a gracious second post OP, not many people know how to take feedback this way.
I think you are taking the right decision - and yes stay annoyed at them, fair enough!

Female

Just out of interest, if Maureen had been in an accident and didn't have the opportunity to notify you in time for you to give someone else her slot, would you give her a replacement time?

If the answer is yes, then you have capacity!

You could have suggested the split the hour also.

There are multiple solutions, none of which cost you much. I think you are being massively unreasonable. Shit happens sometimes and you too will need a favour from someone at some stage when you mess up.

I think your resolution in the update sounds great OP. Good on you for taking on all the feedback!

May the scheduling gods smile on you and forever more your Monday mornings be light, and your Friday afternoons satisfying 😃

I think you’re being a total walkover by agreeing to see Maureen. She showed a complete disregard for your time and expertise. Seeing her simply tells her she can treat people poorly and get away with it. If there had been mitigating circumstances the course director would have told you, even if she couldn’t tell you the nature of the circumstances.

Never heard such nonsense in my life. She’s not the Queen.

I think it's cheeky of them OP and I get why you feel they are pushing the boundaries. It sounds like you are regretting doing this at all and I don't blame you. It's up to the student to turn up, if it was important to them they wouldn't forget.

I agree.

When they get a job their boss won't put up with this cheeky-fuckery....

You’re sounding like a complete jobsworth.
What difference does it make to you whether it’s Maureen or Dave - you were planning to see Maureen in any case.
And I can’t believe you can’t find another hour. You sound really mean and bitter. How would you like your son/daughter to be treated that way?

You obviously don’t deal with students who take the absolute piss and have no respect for your time.

I don’t know what the relevance of her not being a queen is. Your queen is no more worthy of respect than the op.

FWIW I don't think you are being at all unreasonable OP and having read your reply I think you've offered a generous solution.

And I fully see why you are still mad at all three of them! I wonder if there is some personal connection between Maureen and the CD.....family, family friend? Either way the crossing of professional boundaries and micromanagement from her are both unacceptable.

And if it were me I'd be out of shot till Maureen actually plonks her undeserving arse down in front of the camera on the Zoom call....just to keep her guessing for a moment if YOU are going to show or not. 😂