Is he trying to violate a scheduling boundary, or am I being over-sensitive?

[SallyMcCarthy]

Okay, so: I used to run a course at a university. When I left a year ago, the head of department asked if I'd do them a massive favour and agree to do one 1-hour supervision with each student on my course in their second year. This would mean doing paid hourly work after I'd left my position. I agreed, thinking this was the right thing to do because when the students started the course, they'd each been promised a 1-2-1 session with me in their final (2nd) year.

So, these sessions were arranged. I turned up (on Zoom) to do one for a student - let's call her Maureen - the other day, and she didn't turn up. I waited 15 minutes, then closed down the Zoom and emailed her saying, 'You didn't turn up - hope all is well etc.' She emailed and said 'Sorry, completely forgot, can we rearrange?' I said, 'Really sorry, but no. I'm completely over-scheduled and overcommitted and there's no more space in my diary between now and the end of your Year 2.'

The next day, the new Course Director wrote and said, 'Maureen's very sorry, she forgot and is there any chance you can squeeze her in? If you can't, another student is willing to give her their slot with you.' I didn't really notice the second part of this because I was reading v quickly, and I sent a quick reply saying, 'Really sorry, no - I'm snowed under.'

Then this morning I get an email from another student on this course - let's call him Dave - saying 'I am writing to cancel my forthcoming supervision with you.' When I read this, I remembered that the new course director had said that 'Another student is willing to let Maureen have his slot.'

Okay, so that's all background. Here's my question: am I being unreasonable to think that if Dave wants to cancel, that's his choice, but once he cancels, it's not up to him to say that he's 'giving' what would have been his hour with me to Maureen? My view is: once he cancels, and takes himself out of my diary, then I have that hour back and I can assign it to any activity I want. He and the course director would be very unreasonable (I think?) to say, 'Now that you've had a cancellation from Dave, you can give Maureen that hour and fit her in'. I think that's a massive violation of the boundary around my time management/scheduling. I don't think I'd ever say to anyone: 'I'm cancelling my meeting with you and so you must now give that hour to a person of my choosing?' But am I wrong? Should I relax and think, 'Ah, it's fine - if Dave doesn't mind, then I can just move Maureen into that hour instead and who cares?' How bad/cheeky is Dave for suggesting/trying to do this? How inflexible/unreasonable am I being? Thanks in advance!

@SallyMcCarthy OP has not stated that the course leader said "dave" was giving his appt to maureen! the course leader has not stated the name of the student who wished to cancel his appt and Dave did not mention maureen to the OP! is OP meant to be a mind reader and just put two and two together to make everything hunky dory for maureen? if all the students are to have this house, then when is dave going to have his if he is cancelling????

I think the problem is that OP initially said she doesn’t have time to meet with Maureen, whereas she now has an hour she had allocated to Dave which is now not being used in Dave. So they will know she does have time.

I suspect the reason is more that OP is pissed off at Maureen and doesn’t want to meet with her, which is fair enough but the “I am too busy to see her” excuse doesn’t stack up now.

I think you're being inflexible - if the cancellation has freed up an hour slot for you, it's possible for you to fit Maureen in, isn't it? Do you only want to refuse because it was someone else's suggestion?

Yeah, Maureen is not the only one making a mistake here.

I have no idea if Maureen has ADHD or not, but I do, and this sort of thing happened to me a few times in college (university) and law school. It didn’t mean I didn’t care, and being unable to reschedule with no adverse effect to the faculty didn’t “teach me a lesson,” except that the faculty member wanted to punish me. I don’t know what Maureen is like in general, but all this bit with “she obviously doesn’t care” and “it’ll teach her a lesson” has touched a nerve.

If you were being asked to sacrifice more of your time, I would be on your side, but you’re not. You’re scheduled to work that hour no matter who screws up.

Hmm it's really annoying when you're set up for a meeting then the other person says that they forgot. I would also be quite firm here and say no sorry, you had your one hour session and didn't prioritise it.

Why should you be inconvenienced by Maureen's inability to put a meeting in her phone? She may learn a valuable life lesson from it.

*no matter who shows up

I think if Maureen and Dave wanted to swap that should be fine and no skin off your nose - if they'd agreed it all before Maureen's slot came up. As it is, Maureen's had her slot, and she wasted her time and yours by not turning up. That hour's gone forever, so it's too late for her to come to some three-way arrangement involving Dave. If he decides to come after all you should meet with him, but if he wants to cancel, I don't see why you should donate that hour of your time to Maureen all over again. I would probably feel differently if she'd been ill or had a genuine emergency but she cheerfully admits she just forgot and left you hanging, with no opportunity to do anything meaningful with that time. I'd also think differently if you still worked there, but you're doing them all a favour anyway. I'd email Dave and ask him if he still wants to cancel on that basis. I don't think he's been cheeky at all, but his offer to help Maureen out (if that's what this is) is misplaced and made in ignorance of the facts of the situation.

I think you are being unreasonable not to allow Dave to give Maureen his slot. It's no skin off your nose whether you see Dave or Maureen for that hour. An hour is an hour. You just sound like you are being unnecessarily difficult by refusing.

Gosh OP I couldn’t get worked up over this and think you’re being a bit of an arse tbh. Unless Maureen has repeatedly missed appointments with you I would allow her another chance and also let Dave keep his appointment. And then move on with my life. It’s an hour.

This. It’s an hour in your diary for a tutorial. What possible difference does it make to you who uses it?

@SallyMcCarthy why not offer Maureen the 45 mins or however long is left of their original meeting excluding the time you sat waiting for them?

YANBU

If the (initial) meeting was so important to Maureen, then she damn well should have, and would have, attended it. She could/should have set an alarm, put it in her diary, written a post-it note for her door, or whatever method she normally uses for important reminders.

I wouldn't give her the new slot, as who's to say she won't waste your time again by failing to show up (appear on screen)?

If Dave gave up his slot in the hopes Maureen could have it instead, then more fool him.

I'd email Maureen and say you have X slot due to a cancellation and would she like it.

And then I would finish the supervisions booked in and walk away.

If they ask you for help next year say no.

It's an hour. You're being overly dramatic about this. If she'd not turned up twice or more it would be different...

I agree. I also think that if you've got time to write a really lengthy post about it on MN then you've probably got time to squeeze Maureen into your busy schedule somewhere, if you wanted to be kind.

Not everything is a f*cking boundary.

I think you're being daft.

Why does it matter if you use your hour to speak to Maureen instead of Dave? What difference does it make?

I just don’t understand why, if time with you is so valuable that the professor is chasing it up you and Maureen is DESPERATE for another chance, that Dave can afford to miss this hour?
that bit doesn’t make any sense to me, but it sounds a very moderate number of paid hours so I’d probably give Dave his hour, Maureen another hour and tell the professor to tell them all no more chances and you expect to be paid for a full hour if there are any more no shows even though you hang up at 15 minutes and hopefully they’ve all learnt you play hard ball and value your time.

It’s not a “massive violation” at all. Firstly, you’re getting worked up over something which hasn’t even happened. Secondly, if they do suggest that M has that hour, it’s an hour that you already had booked for D. It doesn’t violate your time management - that would be insisting you did something at a different time. You’re also punishing M for a mistake, and in your own story you make a mistake! Do you not appreciate a little grace from others when you’re the one making a mistake?

As others have brought up pay - I’d pay you for M’s slot that she missed. I’d pay you for D’s slot that he cancelled. But if I said to you “please can M use the slot that D had” and you said no, I would not pay you.

Actually, having recently started working at a university, this is quite interesting. I can imagine several of our academics taking exactly this attitude. Everyone else thinks they’re extremely rude. And they certainly don’t offer other people the amount of respect they seem to believe they should receive.

This. One student should not have to give up their paid-for tutorial in order for another student to get theirs (especially given what an absolute rip off MAs are for the contact hours offered.)
But you should be compensated for all the hours you dedicate to work, including the time wasted prepping for and waiting for a student who doesn't show. Did your 1-2-1 payment scheme include prep time? Can you reallocate some of that?

I wouldn't do it out of principle. If that's what's happening. Maureen forgot something that is apparently so importsnt. And now has apparently pressured another student into giving her what is rightfully his. Why is she more entitled to that time than him? She had her chance. Why does she get his too? Time to be a grown up and realise you don't get second chances to fuck things up.

Imagine you're interviewing for a job and someone misses their own interview so pressures one of the other candidates into giving up their interview for them. It's pretty disgraceful behaviour and I wouldn't indulge it.

It sounds like you might be someone quite important in your field, your time is valuable, she should have understood that.

Maureen was flaky for missing the meeting but so were you for not reading the email properly. The rest is just all very silly.

Also, what would happen if you were to miss a meeting? Would you be obliged to make it up? How would you find the time if so?

If you are "overscheduled" then you're already poor at holding to your boundaries. I think that what you said about Maureen not being able to reschedule was reasonable, however I suspect you are allowing your irritation at the whole thing to focus on Maureen.

If you are paid for a block of sessions, then it doesn't matter if Maureen takes Dave's slot, and of course you should be paid even if she doesn't/no-one else does. If you have fulfilled your contract by being available for the correct number of hours at the right time,it's not your fault if the slots haven't been filled/people don't turn up (unless your contract says otherwise). Even if you are paid per student, you should have been paid for Maureen's slot, as you were ready to do it (and of course you had 45 minutes of that time to do other stuff in).

If you are contracted on an ad hoc basis and Dave cancelling now means that you don't have to fill that slot, then you are deflecting the irritation that you should be feeling at yourself for overbooking to focus on Maureen.

Finally, you don't even know that Dave has cancelled for Maureen - you might suspet it, but right now you don't know. So you are tying yourself up in knots about something that might not happen!

Stick to your contract, be professional, if it ends up that Maureen takes Dave's slot, you've already done the prep, so just get on with it.

I think you should be the bigger person here.
I'm email Dave and ask if there is any way he can make the meeting as your schedule is tight. If not tell him you will try and look for a space for him before the end of term if he still wants one, and that you will offer his spot to someone else.
Maureen obviously wants time with you, and everyone forgets or is late for something at some point.