Why do some people let their children behave so badly?

[Hikingqueen]

Examples I have seen or see on a regular basis.

Children pushing in queues and the parents standing by doing nothing. Such as queuing for the slide at the swimming pool and people allowing their children to barge to the front of the queue.

Parents have been asked by school repeatedly not to let their children scoot or ride bikes in the school playground. Yet every day there are children zooming around nearly crashing into people.

Parents letting their kids run in the road and meekly saying "watch the road" when the kids have already run into the road.

Recently at a sports club my child attends, some young who should have been supervised children badly and deliberately vandalised property.

Letting children run around in car parks even though this is dangerous with cars moving around.

A child at my dcs school has been really badly behaved two days in a row where they've been called to speak to the teacher. Think hitting, swearing at the teacher, walking out of class, swearing at other children, throwing in class. Saw the mum treating the child to an ice cream after school 🤷‍♀️

Letting children run riot in supermarkets running up and down the aisles with trolleys bumping into people.

I've had to step in on more than one occasion over the years where a child has pushed in front my child or seen a child doing something very dangerous and have had a mouthful of abuse to thank for it.

I’m with you op and I find it baffling. I think there are a variety of reasons.

One of my friends has no authority over her dc- they just ignore her completely so sometimes she’s just saving face and pretending she doesn’t notice because she’s helpless to do anything about it. They’re actually great kids in school where there are boundaries.

Others have issues with authority and it’s a sort of passive rebellion to encourage their dc to flout the rules.

Some people believe in their own/ their offspring’s exceptionalism. Rules are for everyone else.

Some people are a bit thick and oblivious to danger.

Some are depressed and just not coping.

I haven’t listed those with SN dc because ime they work bloody hard at parenting.

I saw 2 unattended little girls, neither of whom would have been 5 yet if I had to put money on it. They were fighting, nearly wrestling each other to be able to hit the button for the pedestrian light at a busy crossroads junction.

I clearly wasn't the only one to raise an eyebrow as drivers were being extra careful rounding the corner due to their pushing, shoving and kicking each other quite close to the edge of the pavement.

They crossed at the appropriate time but clearly far too little to be walking to school without an adult.

I also remember years ago seeing a mum walking her toddler in a pram, toddler drinking from a takeaway straw cup. The child holds the cup up and turns to her mum as if to ask, what do I do with this? The mum gestured for the child to throw the cup onto the pavement. There was a bin not too far along from where they were walking. It infuriates me how careless some people really are in this world.

Parenting is such an individual endeavour these days. Children are seen as belonging to, and the concern of, their parents only rather than part of a wider community that helps and supports them. You can see that in how isolated some young mothers are - no one to hold the baby while they shower, push the baby round in a pram while they rest or even just take an interest. Instead, parents are told "you chose to have children, they're your problem, you can't expect anyone else to be interested".

All very well, but it doesn't foster a sense of being part of a wider community with community standards. Instead, it promotes a "them and us" mentality, not helped by the fact that we do suffer in this country from a widespread intolerance of children just being children. When people will tut-tut at the smallest bit of child noise, sometimes it's tempting just to let the kids go the whole length since anything you do will be frowned at anyway. And with smaller extended families, the dropping birth rate and more people choosing not to have children, there are many more people who don't have experience of or tolerance for young children.

I do think our culture desensitizes parents somewhat. They (rightly imo) think that most people don't care about their kids and find them a nuisance, and so they don't care much about other people in return. I think it's a shame when this attitude carries over to schools though, as schools are the one institution which supports many children and families with nowhere else to turn.

😂

Most of them probably have ASD or ADHD and therefore can’t control their behaviours and there’s not much the parents can do to stop them.

The sheer audacity of people shamelessly defending bad behaviour…

‘you don’t know what going on their lives…’ no excuse
’stop being judgey’ I will judge because teachers are leaving the profession in droves and having breakdowns partly because of the consequences of shit parenting
’none of your business’ yes, it’s everybody’s business because it affects standards in society
’children can’t easily regulate’ no excuse for bad behaviour inflicted on others or complete disregard for social conventions
‘we are not all perfect parents’ well, at least fucking try.

‘People are so intolerant of children misbehaving even a little bit, you may as well let them go the whole way anyway’ 🙄

And you can confirm this how?

Last year, an 11 year old vandalised some property where I work with spray paint. He was caught and subsequently interviewed with his mother. The child seemed ashamed and repeatedly tried to apologise but was over-ridden by his mother who said that ‘boys will be boys’ and the vandalism ‘didn’t matter that much’ and ‘how dare the police interview her son’.

That’s why so many children and teens are feral. The parents do nothing.

Exactly. I despair for the teachers at youngest primary. Some of the behaviour is truly shocking.

Like it or not. Some of the parents simply don't care. When they get called to speak to the teacher again they are more interested in abusing the teacher than figuring why their kid is acting up. Blaming the teachers and the school.

It's shameful how some people are falling over themselves to excuse blatant terrible behaviour.

We all know the supermarket can be a bit much for some children. That doesn't mean you just allow 3 children to run up and down the aisles with a trolley knocking things over, then abuse the staff when they say something.

What are people's excuses for letting their dc run around in car parks?

You’ve missed the whole point. I think people are largely very tolerant of ‘children being children’ in this country. Jeez let’s face it - people coo coo over unruly dogs slobbering and being absolutely everywhere - I don’t see people tut tutting over ‘child noise’. Even churches are kid friendly these days.

No. This is about wilful naughtyness. Vandalism, pushing in, lack of respect for other people and nice things, being aggressive toward other children, being rude, being out of control etc. And parents doing NOTHING about it. That is not right. And indefensible imo.

You can't just say they all have ASD or ADHD.

I've known plenty of people with kids who have ASD and ADHD, the parents don't act like what I'm talking about.

Of course it does. But buying them an ice-cream doesn't prevent that

I have a ND DS and, while yes he is impulsive and does struggle to control his behaviour sometimes, I put a hell of a lot of effort into making sure he doesn't disrupt or hurt others and into teaching him right from wrong.

SEN is a reason to need to put even more work into parenting. It's not an excuse to not bother at all.

Buying them an ice-cream isn't saying it is acceptable

Lazy parenting. Easier to do nothing.

Do they really need an ice cream on that day? The day that they've been hitting other kids? Is that really necessary?

I mean, there's not a chance I'd be buying my DC an ice cream after they'd just hit someone at school. But even for a parent with your way of thinking, wouldn't it make more sense to buy them an ice cream on a day when they hadn't been hitting people? That's just the logical thing to do surely?

I agree with this; tolerance of childish behaviour whether it be bad or good is sometimes greeted with OTT dismay. Children are not mini adults. I think this intolerance is worse where the birth rate is very low. Where I live used to have many more families and I think my children, 1st born in 2007 enjoyed the heyday of life being very positive much more celebratory of children, around my area anyway. I remember my DD was about 3 and was scooting along a bit ahead of me and I could se an old lady walking on the pavement towards us, I called out to DD to slow down and stop, not that she was particularly fast as she was three, as the old lady past us she jokingly told me off for telling her to stop, she said, “she’s fine and having so much fun on that scooter”. I mean she really was quite close so I’m my mind a bit risky but I do think people of my Gran’s generation so children or young adults in the Second World War liked children a bit more than the subsequent generations.

@abouttogetlynched aha well it got me riled up didn't it 🤣

Thank you. And yes it really does grind my gears when SEN is used as an excuse to not bother putting the effort in.

Endlessly repeating yourself, having to watch them like a hawk all the time, constantly having to be one step ahead and making sure that the routine is not too disrupted or the shop is not too busy etc. It's such a bloody slog but we do it because we want our DC to grow up to be decent members of society.

@Goldenbear I've got one dc about to leave school youngest still in primary school.

Personally I found things were a lot stricter for eldest expectations were a lot higher. The behaviour in youngest child's primary is often appalling. Not just kids being kids.

Of course it will vary as not everyone is the same.

There's a time and a place though. There are parks, playgrounds etc for playing in. Of course some children will 'act up' in a supermarket and most are understanding if that.

But letting your children scoot around in the swimming changing rooms (which I have seen) just isn't acceptable.

It's not the children that have changed. Other adults used to step in and are now too scared in most cases. You only have to look at the vitriol unleashed on that poster who asked teenagers at the theatres to be quiet to see where the problem lies.

I got the impression you had young children for some reason.

I think this does come down to where you live as I’m used to scooters in the wrong places and probably more bold Children than the average town in Britain as it is definitely more an alternative/bohemian type of parent where I live. I visit my Mum in a different area 4 hours away and it is quite an old demographic but also conservative so people care a lot more about the right and proper way of doing things. I mean it is sometimes refreshingly nice but other times I used to think things weren’t such a big deal. I think mainly I had to get used to it.

Used to the more load back approach where I live. However, that is not the same as being violent or wrecking stuff, we are probably talking about different things. I agree with two other poster though I hate seeing big tellings off and shouting at children in public I think it is humiliating.

Ever considered other people's kids may have more profound disabilities than yours?