To cut my ties with this person

[ThatPeachSnake]

happened last year but still not over it.

I organised a hen party for a friend. I was ‘chief bridesmaid’, if you will.

first of all, she gave me a list of 30 people she wanted there and demanded it be abroad. She wanted no part in it and it all to be a surprise. I started a group chat and threw our dates and potential locations. About 15 people came back and said they couldn’t spend the money or take the time off work. So went back to bride to ask her if she would consider a weekend in the U.K., closer to home so that more people could attend. They are her friends after all, so I assumed she’d want them all there and it would be more important than the location. My head was bitten off and she was so nasty to me about me even suggesting a cottage rental in the countryside.

group dropped down to 15 people. I had to organise the entire trip - flights, accommodation, activities and meals all by myself. I can hand on heart say it was one of the most stressful and expensive experiences.

when we finally got to the hen party, she just didn’t seem happy. I had chosen a city location in Spain as the destination, but she’d been suggesting places like DUBAI, NYC and even the Maldives at one point 😂! She seemed almost disappointed that we were in Spain and not somewhere more ‘glamorous’.

by the second night there, it all kicked off. She made a scene proclaiming that ‘no one is thinking about the bride’. I was in absolute shock. We had all paid 100’s to be there with her and we’re staying in a gorgeous villa. We had nice ‘hen’ decorations, food and booze. We paid for her nights out. Everyone was having a wonderful time, bar her.

She didn’t speak to any one for the remainder of the trip and kept telling me how upset she was and how she wanted to go home. She looked into booking earlier flights so she could leave.

I was so shocked and embarrassed. I felt like I’d done a terrible job. I went to the wedding and decided I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore. The issue is, bar this one episode, she’s been an incredible friend to me. I haven’t spoken to her in a couple of months and I miss her. But the way she treated me over her wedding (there are other things too, but I will spare details!) was just horrific.

AIBU or should I give her another chance?

It doesn’t seem like a genuine friendship if you are scared of her. It’s had an impact on your health and she hasn’t made any effort to make contact; do what you need to do to heal from the experience and move on.

If she was a brilliant friend up until the hen/wedding it's likely she had some very specific ideas and some insecurities about it all being perfect. And when it didn't go that way she lashed out.

Not excusable and she needs to swallow her pride and apologise to everyone.

I wouldn't go chasing her otherwise you are saying that type of behaviour is acceptable.

How exactly has she been an incredible friend in the past? Maybe go through your relationship and evaluate whether she really has been amazing or whether it was always on her terms and you just went along with it and she never sacrificed anything for you. I’ve done that with so called amazing friends and it turned out I only thought they were amazing because they kept telling me that they were!

Ditch the bitch and don't give your mind any more of its time.

The first reponse is often the best one, and it certainly is on this thread. If I had been in your position I would have told her what she could do with her hen do and her wedding and handed back my chief bridesmaid badge!

Do you treat your friends well? I suspect the answer is ‘yes of course’. Are you rude, demanding, greedy, petulant, moody and ungrateful towards your friends? Answer ‘no of course not’. If you were those things, would you expect your friends to continue to want your friendship? ‘No of course not’.
Your friend hasn’t just been a brat on one occasion, the abusive behaviour during the hen negotiations lasted a long time, starting with the demand of 30 chums and ending with her ghosting of you. She sounds bloody awful. You’ve wasted time on pleasing a selfish, vain, immature brat, don't waste any more. She needs to learn how to behave, and you need to adopt boundaries which protect you from abuse….block her and move on.

I think the moral of the story is to refuse the "honour" of being chief bridesmaid, especially if you are a mumsnetter.

I would never speak to her again.

You said that she's been a really good friend to you in the past but that doesn't give her any right to be so awful to you!! I wonder if her being a good friend has really been about being manipulative and putting her in a powerful position?
I know there are Bridezilla stories but I don't believe a genuinely nice person can completely change their personality. There will have been signs before if you look for them. I wouldn't trust this woman again tbh

Friends should build you up not tear you down. I would forget her and move on.

She sounds unbelievably entitled and selfish. It’s hard to believe she was amazing before.

Taking what you said at face value, she sounds like a Bridezilla who lost perspective. But I don’t buy it. Something about your account of events seems like it’s not the full story. I’d be interested to know the other side.

There’s nothing wrong with saying places you like the sound of - it doesn’t mean that she’s expecting everybody to go to those far away places- but using them for inspiration. If she was expecting a trip to the Maldives she would have told you it’s got to be the Maldives. It was up to you as chief bridesmaid to listen , and then find something along those lines but budget friendly. Maldives - she’s liking the option of somewhere with a beautiful beach, scenic and serene. If you search hard enough, or pop to a travel agent to get suggestions, you will find something with similar criteria for much cheaper! A city break in Spain doesn’t sound like anything she had in mind - did you even go to a beach? Or did you just go for the cheapest thing you could find and expect it to be okay because it was abroad?

I’d bet that you’re exaggerating her biting your head off about the UK suggestion, since you gave no specifics to what she said, did she actually bite your head off or just make it clear it’s not what she had in mind?

And what made her say nobody was thinking of her? Something must have triggered that. You didn’t say what activities you chose and whether or not she was into them. Or the booze you bought, is that what she drinks? if people weren’t caring about her on her own hen do, and you’ve made it clear that the whole thing was an inconvenience to you so that was probably apparent to her, then it doesn’t matter whether you’ve paid for the whole thing, of course she’d be upset.

Because if she wanted to go home on her own hen do, with her closest friends, then it can’t have been great.

Why should it be someone’s (unpaid) job to arrange a holiday for another person who drops hints but doesn’t say what exactly it is they want but then whines and moans that it’s not good enough. The OP isn’t a travel rep. Maybe the bride should organise her own hen like most of my non-narcissistic friends did, taking account of affordability.

It doesn’t have to be anybody’s job, but she clearly wanted that “job”. I agree the bride probably should have planned it herself and probably regrets not doing in hindsight. But she trusted it to her chief bridesmaid and that’s up to their friendship as to how much time or effort she is able to or willing to put in when she accepted the role as chief bridesmaid, and no doubt a lovely expensive dress and gift. If she didn’t want to do it, she should have just been honest about it. I suspect she should have known her friend well enough to know what she likes and doesn’t like but even if not, i doubt many people would be excited for a city break in Spain. “Malicious compliance” is an awful thing to do to a friend.

To be fair I could be completely wrong! And OP could have made a lot of effort to do something her friend enjoys in which case the bride behaved awfully. But it’s just the impression I get , that there is more to it.

the majority of people who agree to be bridesmaids do so because they are good friends and want to do something nice for the bride, not because the role is fun or great or anything- it’s stressful and you will most likely get a dress that you will never wear again and is chosen by the bride. The bride sounds like a total cow - why would you insist on going abroad for instance, knowing half the people invited won’t come because of expense? Expecting people to take time off work, pay for flights, all for you. Suggesting beach holidays - wtf, most people can’t afford their own beach holiday most years. Breaks to the Maldives are over a grand minimum. What on earth is wrong with a Spanish city break? Barcelona is gorgeous as is Seville. There’s even a beach. And to have the audacity to moan that people aren’t paying enough attention to you when they spent a load of money coming on the trip. She sounds like a class A narcissist and it’s troubling if you read the OP’s post and sympathise with the bride.

And to have the audacity to moan that people aren’t paying enough attention to you when they spent a load of money coming on the trip. She sounds like a class A narcissist and it’s troubling if you read the OP’s post and sympathise with the bride.

I agree.

What a shock.....not. She sounds like a spoilt brat and you don't need the drama in your life

I couldn’t be friends with someone who expected to have an all expenses paid for hen do paid for PLUS expect everyone to stretch to New York or Dubai! If she wants to go somewhere so expensive she pays!!
I hate modern hen dos and hens/brides…
they seem so entitled and expect too much!
It doesn’t actually sound like she wants to be friends if she hasn’t contacted you !!
I would except she’s changed and move on!

As I said based on OPs post I sympathise with OP. I just don’t think it sounds believable.

Everybody who attends gets a trip away with friends, they are not expected to go, they are offered an invite to a special celebration which they can decline. No different to weddings or other celebrations. Imagine somebody attended your wedding, or your kids birthday party, and complained about the inconvenience of it the whole time. They would ruin the atmosphere. Sure they would rather you stayed home if you’re going to bring the whole mood down.

Nothing at all wrong with a Spanish city break in general, just not an expected choice for a hen when the bride has said she wants a different type of scene.

i can believe it and have seen similar to this myself.
They weren’t complaining- op said everyone was happy and enjoying themselves but bride felt it wasnt enough about her.
Bride mentioned New York, Dubai and Maldives - how on earth can you work out from that what scene she is into, other than extortionately expensive and unrealistic? Most abroad stags and hens are to cities - it’s hardly an odd choice. You would struggle to get a beach holiday for less than a week for a start.

That was a suggestion of a possible alternative version of events , I’m not saying that’s the situation I can’t possibly know, just saying that nobody knows people often believe everything they read these days. Maybe she was talking with her friend about honeymoon destinations!
Of course you can do a beach break for a couple of days! Most hens and stags I know do exactly that.

She was a bridezilla from hell and unless she apologised I would never go back to that friendship

Your friend was out of order but I wonder if there was something going on for her that triggered it?
In the run up to my wedding I was suffering with post natal depression and PTSD from birth trauma. I felt like I was losing my mind and could only see the bad in every situation. I ended up crying on my abroad hen but it was how my brain was at that time. If it’s not anything mental health related then your friend was exceptionally entitled and out of order. If you had a great friendship until this point then it’s worth an honest conversation before you decide whether to write the friendship off