To expect us to pay for therapy

[Monkkkk]

My DH and I have been having problems for some time. I don't know if I love him anymore. I do know that I struggle to see a future with him. But he's a good dad in a lot of ways and we do get on. But he can be extremely defensive and difficult so I dont bring up anything anymore

We have a good household income (£100k) but no savings or wriggle room really (increased mortgage, pre-school v expensive childcare).

H has agreed (after a year) that we should go to couples therapy after some horrendous arguments (calling me a cunt).

We have a quote from Relate for £130 a session. And I can't find anything much cheaper

He is saying we shouldn't do it as one of the fights is about money and he thinks its ridiculous we might spend nearly £1000 (if we go a few times) on therapy when he is so worried about money.

Is it too expensive? would other people pay that amount? he is in the habit of backing out of stuff but he is convinced it doesn't make logical sense for a couple stressed by money to be spending money on some stranger talking to us for an hour.

Am I being unreasonable to think we should find the money?

Depends on how much you think your marriage is worth I guess? Does he not place any value on saving your life together? Maybe that tells you what you need to know.

Well it’s cheaper than a divorce. If he doesn’t want to go then I would suggest you go yourself and consider if your marriage has a future.

Maybe look at something called Retrovaille. https://www.retrouvaille.org.uk/
cheaper. Supposed to be very helpful. And not about airing your problems with a therapist - some men don’t like that.

Well that tells you what the marriage is worth to him

Sorry you have to go through this but life can be so much better

A divorce will cost him a lot more than £1000

I hope it works out, but for me, being called a c**t would be too much.

Good luck

Yes, remind him that the counselling hourly fee is a lot less than that of a solicitor.

A divorce will be more expensive, both emotionally and financially, for both you and your children. Protecting and saving my marriage and my family unit would be my absolute priority to spend money on above anything else bar the basics of food, water, shelter.

We agreed we would book one trial sessions - which is fair enough - we don't want to sign up to something if it isn't going to work for us, but that hasn't happened either for a couple of weeks now. I know if I seriously seriously say to him that its a therapist or a solicitor, he will agree to therapy, but he doesn't do anything until we are at the brink and it's exhausting. i want him to go to therapy because we/I am unhappy, not because he doesn't want his comfy life turned upside down. i feel like he would just cope with lifelong unhappiness and tension than do anything about it!!

i don't actually think £130 is THAT much money. we were qutoed that as its' means tested and i think fair enough. he said that shows how irresponsible I am with money!

If you tell him it's a divorce of therapy he'll go.

Personal experience.

Mine never cared about me enough to do something I wanted so I wouldn't expect him to go just because you want it.

We ended up divorced anyway, and he found a new girlfriend within days and now has a newborn,

Tbh I didn't rate relate and for £130 you find a more specialist and suited counselor. But that's just my experience.

£130 is a lot of money for one 90 minute session. Look for someone independent, there are loads out there. Mine was brilliant and cost way way less than that.

We've had a couple of marriage counselling sessions through Relate, total waste of money. At least that was one thing we agreed on.

I would get some sort of therapy for sure, because being stressed to the point of divorce about money when you're on £100k I think is wild.

That's helpful that ppl don't rate Relate. I always thought they looked good and sensible and non cheesy.

I did have a look at independent councillors and couldn't see many for less than a hundred quid

I found an online subscription thing at £60 a session and they keep recommending therapists from places like Alabama and just seems a bit random

Anyone with any recommendations. I'll keep hunting.

I pay less than that for a counsellor. Well, £100. You don’t have to go through Relate.

Its worth getting some recommendations which is what I did.

My DH would never in fairness call me a cunt or even anything mild - but we’ve had a tricky time lately and part of that is about money. I do think he’d be pretty annoyed and frustrated if I wanted to go for something like this and I do think the ‘well it’s cheaper than divorce’ posters are being a bit dismissive. I’d want to look a bit more into it but I will admit I’m a bit dubious about the supposed benefits of therapy.

I attended Relate once and in that single session I realised that actually I definitely wanted to split up from my ex. Was worth every penny imo.

If your relationship is salvageable it's worth the investment. If it's not then I believe they can also work with couples going through a break-up in order to smooth the process and manage feelings/expectations etc.

That is a normal cost for couple's therapy.

It's really up to you both if you value it and your relationship enough to give it a shot.

My two cents is that with an income of £100k a year it sounds like you can probably afford a few sessions to try and save your marriage.

Is that couple's therapy, or just you?

Couples therapy costs more because there are two people.

Couples.

My counsellor sees individuals too.

We paid £70 per session; much cheaper than a divorce and ultimately helped us stay together

Do either of you have access to an employee assistance programme? Ours includes relationship counselling. Worth an ask

although I agree that the investment in your relationship should be worth it.

Sorry for the multiple posts, just saw this as well and wanted to pick up on it because I saw a Relate counsellor for a few sessions and they were fabulous.

A random online subscription is much more likely to have questionable therapists.

Relate are a reputable organisation. You will always get some clients who are unhappy with a service but overall, I've found them good and have heard good things from others too.

Two of the couples I know who went to Relate found it invaluable. Another found it useless, but her DH (now ex) was very resistant and didn’t engage with it to a meaningful extent.

With therapy, if you aren’t going to put in the work, it’s not going to be helpful.

Just book the season? If I waited for my DH to sort something I’d be waiting forever!