To expect us to pay for therapy

[Monkkkk]

My DH and I have been having problems for some time. I don't know if I love him anymore. I do know that I struggle to see a future with him. But he's a good dad in a lot of ways and we do get on. But he can be extremely defensive and difficult so I dont bring up anything anymore

We have a good household income (£100k) but no savings or wriggle room really (increased mortgage, pre-school v expensive childcare).

H has agreed (after a year) that we should go to couples therapy after some horrendous arguments (calling me a cunt).

We have a quote from Relate for £130 a session. And I can't find anything much cheaper

He is saying we shouldn't do it as one of the fights is about money and he thinks its ridiculous we might spend nearly £1000 (if we go a few times) on therapy when he is so worried about money.

Is it too expensive? would other people pay that amount? he is in the habit of backing out of stuff but he is convinced it doesn't make logical sense for a couple stressed by money to be spending money on some stranger talking to us for an hour.

Am I being unreasonable to think we should find the money?

We had Relate counselling about 20 years ago, cost £40 I think back then. We were on one income and it was tight.

Best £240 ever spent, still together.

I'm a couples therapist, it works MUCH better in person

I literally have a diploma in online therapy and I still only do couples in person for a good while before I will occasionally do online with them if they have

The evidence base is there for online individual work, it is not there for online couple work

I do remote work but I would not offer couples sessions online - you really need people in the room to watch their reactions. And when there are problems in relationships it is really helpful to have a neutral place to discuss things - you dont necessarily want to bring that into your house which is where most people would be.

You can definitely get couples counselling cheaper than that!! The therapist I attended with DP was £75 per 90 minutes.

Hi OP, I can offer advice to you as I have just come through the other side having been in a very similar position. In my experience you will need way more than 5 sessions of Relate, and sadly I think you need to get much more realistic about the full cost of the therapy course you would need to stand a chance to resolve all these very significant issues in your marriage. 5 x 50 minutes isn't going to work! For a start they do one joint introduction session, then an individual session each before you even start the joint sessions proper. Unfortunately their approach is very general / broad / wishy washy and they just ask you to bring with you what's on your minds that day, which (as has been said above) usually resulted in a blazing row after each session. Because the sessions were too short for two people we always felt we never got to the bottom of stuff and the session. Would end just as we were in the middle of discussing something. Then a week would go by and another few rows would happen and the next week we would have a list of new things to raise.

We tried for 5 months before our therapist dropped off Relate's books due to relocation! We had already been discussing leaving anyway. In retrospect Relates approach really wasn't suited to a couple at their wits end with constant rows, young children and time poor.

However, we did actually find a new therapist whose approach was so vastly different that I couldn't believe we had ever thought Relate could work. She offered intensive time-limited programmes - so something like 5 x 2-hour sessions online, with a concrete outcome at the end - and not the bottomless pit that Relate did. She was confident she could help us fix our marriage or decide to divorce at least knowing all the facts and fully understanding the depth of the situation. At the end of our initial 30 minute free consultation with her she had basically got the measure of us both and summed up the entire root cause of the marriage problems!

Honestly this was a far far better approach. Her fees were the same as Relate, but looked more per session as each session was longer- so yes very expensive, about 2.5k in total but totally worth it in our case and I try not to think of the ££££ wasted on Relate. We used an interest free loan which we've paid back and have zero regrets.

It's up to you whether it's worth the expense but for us it was an absolute priority.

@luxuriatinginmypjs

"a couple at their wits end with constant rows, young children and time poor"

That pretty much hits the nail on the head. Our issues are significant. There is dishonesty, lack of communication, name calling and rage (from him), and me doing 90% of everything and just avoiding confrontation but feeling so resentful deep down

But having said all that, he is loyal, funny, committed to his family (every weekend he is out with the kids, cooks dinner every night) and we used to get on amazingly.

I do want to try. It feels loveless right now at times but I do want to try

Thank you so much for your advice. I don't suppose you'd DM me the name of your therapist if she's online?

He just uses his salary for his own spend.
so where does he think savings are coming from? just you?

Have you tried looking up https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists ?

Some specialise in couples therapy and are a lot cheaper than £130, which is exorbitant.

No, I didn't rate Relate. Went to someone else and after a lot of sessions stayed together

Yes therapy isnt cheap. But how much would a divorce cost him and ongoing child maintenance etc.

It’s worth trying anything in my eyes to save a relationship if you still feel something could be done. Even if it fails you may have a better understanding of each other, how to communicate effectively etc for moving forward and separating.

It’s an investment in your relationship and future. Him penny pinching, whinging and avoiding it would further put me off him.

@TheCatterall I think its the avoiding that is doing my head in

He's meant to be taking medication for something else and he hasn't been to doctor to sort it for 8 months. He doesnt call anyone back or reply to messages. He never remembers anything about anything and if it's hard - he will get me to do it or it doesn't get done

I don't see that changing. Therapy is everything he hates - it's costly, it's time consuming and it's emotional.

But so is divorce. I really really don't want to divorce. And co parenting will probably be just as difficult as being together. But we will be poorer with unhappy kids

Sometimes I tell myself I can just grit my teeth and get in with it all. But its so hard when he is such a dick to me.

I've emailed some other therapists. I promised myself I wouldn't but I have

Just a note for everyone that this is a religious organisation and it's stated aim is to provide Christian education about marriage (same sex couples not allowed, and I would worry about their message if you aren't a very traditional Christian couple)

That does sound high - you can get it for £70-£80

OP, i would look for a decent therapist outside of relate. Also expect that you may need to change therapist a few times until you find one that gels.

My experience - have used relate twice and didn't find them great for couples counselling. We stopped going.
Then, we had a baby and due to various issues, i was ready to call time on the marriage. Having a baby was definitely the hardest thing for our marriage.

We now have a really good counsellor. We've been going a year. It isn't a magic fix, but it's made him think about how he is and how unreasonable he was at times. It has made both of us evaluate our own views of marriage and personal issues we didn't even really comprehend before.

We are not out of the woods yet, but we are no longer at the brink of divorce either.

Just organise it if he won't. I had to.

Good luck.

I think it’s a sliding scale based on income, those with good incomes pay more so those on minimum wage can pay buttons.

Couples therapy is expensive and unfortunately finding a good therapist can be a bit hit and miss! It's definitely worth it with a good therapist though.
You might be able to shop around and find a lower price, but I would focus on finding the right one for you - I.e. search for an individual therapist rather than through relate, I've also heard not great reviews about them. You need someone that both of you can trust. Might it work to have a shortlist and your husband picks one, so he's a bit more invested in it?
We saw someone for £75 an hour and we're in a fairly costly area (will also depend where you live!) We both really liked the therapist, thought they were fair and insightful. Found them on counselling directory.

Op I don't think you can take the blame for the financial situation. He is avoiding facing the financial aspect of the relationship, unfortunately it is not as easy as 'fence needs fixing'. He should consider whether it is urgent and if so how urgent? Can we afford it this month or next?
It is not OK to put it on you. Savings are limited, it is not a magical sack where you can dip in anytime you want and he should know that.
Another aspect is that he does not ask what is the financial situation? He says you are better and now he blames you for the current situation and leaves you with situation where you cannot even discuss it with him.

He needs to hear this. Even writing it down for him to read in his own may help, because it sounds like you cannot present the problem to him.

Hi OP, yes I've PM'd you.

Find a couples therapist (relate or otherwise) that's actually trained in couples therapy or family therapy (diploma or upwards). Not just a counsellor/ therapist who has done a 3-5 day additional course on top of their core training. Couples therapy is very different to individual work, different models, theories and interventions. It doesn't suit every clinician. Yes it's expensive (120 to 140 around here) but in some places the NHS talking therapies offer couples therapy for depression https://talkingtherapies.berkshirehealthcare.nhs.uk/our-therapies/couples-therapy-for-depression/
Most should but the role out has been slow. Check your local talking therapies/IAPT website