To expect us to pay for therapy

[Monkkkk]

My DH and I have been having problems for some time. I don't know if I love him anymore. I do know that I struggle to see a future with him. But he's a good dad in a lot of ways and we do get on. But he can be extremely defensive and difficult so I dont bring up anything anymore

We have a good household income (£100k) but no savings or wriggle room really (increased mortgage, pre-school v expensive childcare).

H has agreed (after a year) that we should go to couples therapy after some horrendous arguments (calling me a cunt).

We have a quote from Relate for £130 a session. And I can't find anything much cheaper

He is saying we shouldn't do it as one of the fights is about money and he thinks its ridiculous we might spend nearly £1000 (if we go a few times) on therapy when he is so worried about money.

Is it too expensive? would other people pay that amount? he is in the habit of backing out of stuff but he is convinced it doesn't make logical sense for a couple stressed by money to be spending money on some stranger talking to us for an hour.

Am I being unreasonable to think we should find the money?

I got on well with relate, I had a few sessions on my own to help with a few issues I had.

£1000 to help save your marriage sounds a good deal to me but if one or both of you aren’t on board with it then it won’t work.

Does either of your companies offer an employee support service? Some have up to 6 sessions free with a counselling service

@Farmwifefarmlife I know I could just book it. I just do everything. I don't want to spend the rest of my life just doing everything because he's take forever/never does it.

I know this isn't what you asked, and you in no way deserve to be spoken to in an abusive way, but are you the reason why a family on £100,000 has no savings.

In my opinion your relationship with money, saver or spender, is a really important factor in whether a couple lasts the course.

It's ridiculous to me that you are quibbling over a few thousand when you earn more than that a month. But if you are someone who would spend to the max even if you earnt triple that, and your partner isn't of the same mind, then you won't ever see eye to eye.

@yellowlupins

100k is joint income. Which is about £6k a month

£1500 mortgage
£1500 - 2000 childcare
£1000 bills and insurance (home, cars)
£600 commute

Doesn't leave a lot. Will get much better as all children in school.

I know 100k is a lot but our set up means lack of savings isn't because I'm spending on crap.

Book the session, tell him when it is. If he doesn't turn up there's your answer. With an income of £100k if you can't allocate 1% of it to your relationship, which is what everything else hangs on, then there's something wrong.

If neither of you can be arsed making it happen then that's fine too, and if I'd been called a cunt, I'd also be finding doing relationship admin hugely challenging, but at least be honest.

Tell him it's cheaper by far per hour than a solicitor and therefore worth a go, and at least you will know that if divorce does happen you genuinely tried everything, which is comfort when reality starts hitting home down the road.

@Monkkkk HE’s a tight C&nt if he won’t spend 1Percent of good household income o n couples therapy.
My son early 20’s not earning much then paid £50 an hour for a few CBT sessions that really helped.

I’d say your marriage is more or less over -
Bizarrely a marriage therapist I knew fell in love with one of their clients and got married to the client! ( marriage very happy too..)

I'll just comment on the rate.

It's a fairly normal rate for relationship therapy. We paid £180 in London for well experienced and highly qualified.

Both of us had lawyers as well. The therapist was definitely cheaper than the lawyers. Both were helpful in the end.

I'm close to qualifying as an individual therapist and see both sides of this. The upfront cost of an expensive, in-depth, fully accredited training is very high and much more than just the course fees. The further unseen cost is the work that's done for free as part of the training.

There are rich rewards in the work but they're not usually financial. I expect the rate is a fair one.

have you got bupa or private medical cover through work? If you do, you can access therapy for free

Not to drip feed but he actually thinks we do have savings. But we don't. Which adds an extra element to it all and telling him in therapy we dont have savings is going to be a big deal. He's going to be furious.

I will look at work but I'm pretty certain I don't have it and he won't. Think we can get individual therapy but not couples.

We went to Relate, might just as well have burned the notes, the Councillor was rubbish and we came out of every session and had an enormous row

@Monkkkk I think in many ways this is a spending that is worth it either way. You either see that you want to fight for your marriage, or you see that you are done. I would say one session is putting a lot of weight on 50-60 minutes. I'd suggest agreeing to 3-5 sessions, maybe 2 weeks apart, and really using that time to figure out if this marriage is worth saving or if it's time to end things while things are (hopefully) still amicable.

@anon4net I asked him to book it/organise it and he agreed. Nothing has happened. Do you think I book/pay for it anyway and just commit us to 5 sessions anyway? I'm so fed up of waiting and asking but yet again if I book it I'm taking responsibility and paying for everything! Which I always do. I sort and pay our whole life.

You are paying now for the greater good. Say you pay 2k and save your marriage? Say you pay 2k and your marriage fails. At least you know you thrived!

Tried. Although you may thrive 😀

This sounds like a total cliche but here goes - Therapy is not (or shouldn’t be)a passive process and if you’re not both invested in fully participating then any amount of money spent on it will be a waste

Why does he think you have savings? Is there no transparency in your marriage or honesty?

Why does he think there are savings but there aren't?
There must have been some at some point for him to think that, so where have they gone?

Counselling is only as good as the individual counsellor and both partners willingness to engage, be honest and open, and do the work to make any personal changes to their behaviour. It is unlikely a single session can even begin to scratch the surface, particularly with long running issues. You need a counsellor who looks at the marriage as the client, not each individual, for it to have a chance of working. As for cost, £130 a session seems about standard for couples.

I had some savings from before when we met. We are married though as always talked about "our savings". About 15/20k. Over the years thats been spent. He went for a lower paid job at one point. I had a maternity leave. I manage everything and I just would dip into them to cover emergency things or when nursery put up fees, mortgage rates. I didn't talk to him as he gets so angry when we talk about money. I thought I'd manage to save it back up again but I haven't. So no not much honesty @Kelly51

I don't think I'm grasping how bad its going to be when he finds out I've been lying about the money. I'm in such shit.

But I still think we should be paying for therapy!

I think he'll find divorce a bit more expensive than relate.

Yes, you kind of are in the shit. But, they were your savings which you have depleted as a couple. The lack of honesty means you have no fall back, which I would be angry about, but it's also not like you've been taking £300 each month saying it was going in savings when it wasn't.

Your relationship and communication is the bedrock of so many things

your children’s communication
how they will view potential partners
how you spend money
how you spend your time
Your happiness
Your children’s happiness

How isn’t that worth money? There is no patience or faith between you - it’s going to be a bumpy ride

So you need therapy to BE HONEST about 'no savings'???? Is Dh abusive or how on earth do you think this is a marriage anyone of you should stay in, other than for kids? Calling you c is not the language I would use, but that s dishonest.

My DH gets a bit unreasonable when we discuss certain things, but that is no reason for me to not be honest with him, to avoid the confrontation.

Also, OP has just confirmed why it is best to keep finances separate. The idea that I 'think' I have 'savings' meanwhile I have 'none' is frightening.