To expect us to pay for therapy

[Monkkkk]

My DH and I have been having problems for some time. I don't know if I love him anymore. I do know that I struggle to see a future with him. But he's a good dad in a lot of ways and we do get on. But he can be extremely defensive and difficult so I dont bring up anything anymore

We have a good household income (£100k) but no savings or wriggle room really (increased mortgage, pre-school v expensive childcare).

H has agreed (after a year) that we should go to couples therapy after some horrendous arguments (calling me a cunt).

We have a quote from Relate for £130 a session. And I can't find anything much cheaper

He is saying we shouldn't do it as one of the fights is about money and he thinks its ridiculous we might spend nearly £1000 (if we go a few times) on therapy when he is so worried about money.

Is it too expensive? would other people pay that amount? he is in the habit of backing out of stuff but he is convinced it doesn't make logical sense for a couple stressed by money to be spending money on some stranger talking to us for an hour.

Am I being unreasonable to think we should find the money?

This. I pay £50 an hour and she does couples counselling too

Don’t think I’d get beyond being called a c**t though - that is terrible!!!

Telling him in therapy is THE place to do it, with a trained intermediary who can ask the right questions to him, such as how did he think the increase in fees/mortgage was being paid if he had taken a reduction in income, and how much did he contribute when your salary took a hit during maternity leave.

It sounds as if he has some deep seated issues around finances being a joint topic and that you both need to be on the same page with it. You have been hiding things because of his defensiveness and it has got worse from there

6k a month and you only account for 5 ...is there a problem there as well ?

He doesnt get involved in the money. He says I'm better with that stuff. Which is funny now. I have said a couple of times about reducing spending and he gets so stressed and shouts. So now when he says "we need to get someone to fix the fence" (for example), he thinks I'm using our savings but I'm just finding the money from my salary. I know its dishonest. I feel sick at everything. But I thought I could sort it. I make sure all bills are paid on time. He just uses his salary for his own spend.

I only want to try and save the marriage for the kids and not causing huge disruption. We aren't a partnership and there is little kindness.

@midgetastic I included all major costs which is 5k not 6k youre right, but i didn't include any food/clothes/activities costs for family for 5. £250 a week for all that lot is not that much I don't think

Given his reluctance to engage - unless there are serious reasons behind his money issues - I'd suggest that you start to disengage.

Your marriage should be seen as something of value and he doesn't seem to think so

Try Marriage Care. They're a charity. No hourly rate, you give what you can. Fully qualified counsellors giving their time

He doesn't get to disengage from all the financials then have a paddy when he feels he doesn't know what is going on, when he has opted out and put it into the too hard basket.

What did he think was going on when you were on maternity leave? Does he think you've got a money tree out the back?

I only want to try and save the marriage for the kids and not causing huge disruption. We aren't a partnership and there is little kindness.

I'm sure you have the best intentions but that sounds like you're gifting them a White Elephant to me.

@GoldDuster I just googled "gifting a white elephant" and I'm not sure I'm any clearer!

Therapy can be expensive. One of my DD’s had private speech therapy because there was a long waiting list on the nhs and that cost £95 an hour and an extra £18 for her mileage. However with all your updates especially where one of the main issues in your marriage is money and there’s no transparency with the savings, him calling you names, I’m not sure the counselling will achieve as much really

A local independent counsellor would cost a lot less round here (SE) but he doesn't sound like he wants to change/save the marriage.

Hi @Monkkkk do either of you have access to an Employee Assistance Programme as a work benefit? If so, it usually provides a minimum of 6 free sessions if clinically appropriate and quite often for family members too. The one I worked for also provided couples counselling too. There's likely a high chance one of you have access to an EAP.

A White Elephant

You're at pains to save a marriage "for your children" in which there is no care or communication and is barely a partnership. I'm not sure they'd thank you.

He just uses his salary for his own spend

Can you explain what you mean by this?

I only want to try and save the marriage for the kids and not causing huge disruption. We aren't a partnership and there is little kindness

Don't bother. It's not good for the children, they're not stupid. Far better to have two happy, separated parents than unhappy together parents.

if you don't really live him & can't imagine a future without him & him you. You're wasting money & time in therapy.

there will be disruption at some point, just get it done, over with and start a new chapter in your life!!

So you're in trouble but in actual fact he's abdicated his responsibility and his side of the decision making about family outgoings to you?

Wow, he has it cushy doesn't he? No wonder he doesn't want to change things.

I'd love to be able to spend whatever I want and have someone else deal with it all, without even being allowed to tell me to spend less. And then on top of it all get to make a scene when it turns out that that someone used all her savings on accommodating my lifestyle choice.

You've been taken for a mug, OP.

I would recommend looking for a therapist other than relate. Myself and several other couples I know had horrendous experiences. There are a lot of very well qualified therapists much cheaper than that.

He uses his salary for ‘spends’..?

In your shoes I wouldn’t pay it because you said you’re not sure if you love him and can’t see a future with him so for me that would be a pointless exercise. Plus if he’s going to be annoyed about the money he possibly won’t engage. That’s just me though. Only you know if your marriage is worth saving.

I would start with the free individual therapy then

therapists go through a lot of training to become therapists, often at their own expense. And they have business costs like anyone else. People who would not think anything of spending £100 on their hair or a night out become very cost conscious when looking for therapists. No, it is not too expensive for a session. But if you dont want to go through Relate, there are lot of other options.

Yes I am a therapist. My rate is £100.

@Atethehalloweenchocs yes, I appreciate that. I think if therapy works for someone it is of course worth every penny and more

Can I ask what you think of online? Me and DH have young kids so thinking we need to do it online at home but it's so odd to me the thought of the two of us huddled over one laptop together and trying to be honest and open. Do you think that can work?

OP does your DH not pay for anything relating to the household or children? Only if his salary is just for his spending that is financial abuse. Counselling is not recommended for abusive relationships.

From your descriptions so far I would book an appointment for yourself. You know you will engage and I think it will help you.

I’ve done a lot of therapy. Family therapy via CAMHs, individual therapy and my husband and I have just started doing couples therapy.

I’d never pay to do therapy online. We had to during Covid and the huddling thing let alone lack of privacy is shite. I then had a lot of individual therapy from somebody very experienced, ex nhs and well qualified. My marriage kept cropping up in therapy and she said we needed couples referring us to somebody she rated highly.

He is very experienced and amazing. We’ve only had 2 sessions and are already seeing huge benefits. He is charging £90 for an hour face to face.

I’d definitely go for it but look elsewhere.