AIBU to be upset with teenage sons?

[OhMyGodIFeelSoSick]

Over the last few days I have been feeling really ill. Even when I had covid twice, I didn't feel this sh!t. I have a congested head, things streaming out my nose, I feel sick and last night I was shaking. I came home from work, had a hot bath to warm me up and lay on the sofa. I couldn't eat as felt too sick, but put something in the oven for them whilst they were out.

They came back, ate, and I asked them to make me a cup of tea. One moaned he was busy and the other made it, but left it to stew for an hour.

This sounds melodramatic, but I was so upset I was crying. I felt so ill, and they can't even ask if I am OK and if I want anything. My DH is away at the moment on business.

This morning I am up, but still feel terrible and the kitchen is a mess. They went to school without checking to see if I was alive.

I'm pissed off. I am such a caring mum and do so much for them and they can't even make me a f*cking cup of tea when I am really sick.

AIBU and how can I get my DS's to not be lazy gits, lacking in compassion to their mum.

Yanbu. I would be having a talk with them.

Nah yanbu or overdramatic, I would be pissed off! I would be having words and if it fell on deaf ears I would be removing some of the niceties they have come to enjoy from being a caring mum.

I’d stop being a caring mum. They’d get sweet FA from me from now on

This sounds shit op, I hope you feel better soon.
I would talk to them myself once I felt better and had considered my words, but for now I think I'd sound off to DH and get him to call them and put a rocket up their arses!

Sometimes they need it spelling out to them at that age. Also, they can cook something simple for themselves if need be - my son does if I'm ill.

I’d stop being a caring mum

I think I would for a while. “What’s for dinner?” “Don’t know. Too far to go to the shops and I’m too tired to cook”. “Where are my sports clothes?” = “Couldn’t face doing washing, so didn’t bother”. They’ll soon get the message…..

You've made them feel entitled to being waited in. I'm guessing that this is how they will behave towards future partners. You probably need to pull back on the mothering and let them get in with it. Hope you are feeling better soon.

How teenage are we talking?

18 then they should make you a cup of tea (and their own dinner if you are ill!)

13 and they might still need a lot of training.

14 & 18. They can both cook well.

YANBU op. I'm not well at the moment. And DS 2 makes me a cup of tea every night and brings it up to bed to me. He's 10!!!

DS1 sounds very much like your sons though. He's almost 13 and he really upsets me with his attitude sometimes. He's leaves crap all over the place for someone else to pick up. No amount of nagging gets through to him

Why on earth did you make their dinner when you are so ill? Sounds like they are old enough to find something to eat themselves. Martyred behaviour just makes people take advantage, such people are never going to turn around and say "oh poor mum is so ill but still managed to make dinner for us, it's time for us to look after her now", they just aren't.

Your kids are selfish, you need to tell them this is not how to behave and that you are just as worthy of being cared about when ill (and in general of course) as they are.

Just talk to them and really spell put your expectations of them from now on.

Teens can be very self absorbed, especiallyaround their parents. However, certainly at their ages they need to be pulled up on this behaviour. I doubt that they will fully pick up on or understand any passive aggressive not-cooking/washing. And if their behaviour continues, then you know they are selfish entitled gits whose lives need to me made a LOT less comfortable.

Recover first, then have a serious conversation with them. Not sure why you made them dinner though!

the 14 year old I can kind of understand but at 18 that ridiculous, the best thing you can do going forward is to put a system of chores in place so that the older one is is basically self sufficient bar food (it's beneficial to eat as a family but he should be cooking some days) the younger needs to be trained up and that includes empathy

They'd be feeling the wrath of my tongue when I was well and this is what you should do OP. A good opportunity to tell them what you are going to stop doingfor them and let them have more responsibility for themselves, especially the eldest.

I hope you feel better soon but you need to consider how you have brought them up and how they generally behave towards you and how much you normally do for them. In other words, a change of plan might be in order.

It sounds typical for that age. My DS was very helpful and caring as a young boy. Got to 14, morphed into Kevin from Kevin and Perry literally overnight, and was a selfish shit for a couple of years.

I continued to be a caring mum - within limits. For example, mums cafe closed at 7.00 p.m. If he hadn't appeared or confirmed he was in for dinner then it was cereal or nothing. Clothes would be washed only if they were brought downstairs. If he wanted to be treated with consideration, then he treated us in the same manner.

It all fizzled out by the time he got to 17.

I am such a caring mum and do so much for them and they can't even make me a f*cking cup of tea when I am really sick

And there is YOUR issue OP. You've unfortunately allowed them to see you as "super woman ".

This is not a criticism, it's a warning for your future..... I speak from experience.

I hope you feel better soon and just rest.

I'd be livid about the cup of tea thing, but actually be very happy they got up and went to school as normal. Both of mine, 16 & 18, would have checked in a few times that evening and probably in the morning if it's shown signs I was awake. But if I was clearly asleep they'd have left me alone I suspect.

Get well first, then sit them down for a calm chat about how hurt you were by their lack of care and interest. Mine don't do chores barely at all, but we've been quite insistent over the years about consideration for the family as a whole.

Why did you cook dinner if you were that ill and they're both old enough and capable to do it for themselves?

You should have left them to it. The fact you didn't probably means they thought you were more or less ok.

It would be nice if they had volunteered to make you tea and thought about you but if that's not how they've been raised then why would they change now?

I don't think throwing your toys out of the pram and petulantly refusing to do anything for them anymore is a great way to go about things as some others have suggested. By all means, stop doing things that they're capable of doing for themselves. But talk to them about it, set out rules and expectations. Don't go passive aggressive and throw a tantrum about it.

Morning op. I hope you are feeling a lot better now x

It's normal for teens to be lacking in empathy - something to do with the development of that part of the brain. You should talk to them though and explain how upset you are and what they can do to appease you (cooking and washing up tonight maybe).

Teenagers are hideous at times. tell them - and make it really clear that they have disappointed you.

Obviously as you're a mother and a woman this is all entirely you fault.
Get well soon. When you feel better order yourself a takeaway and don't share it with them.

@Roundandroundthegard3n you seem nice!

Yep. They couldn’t even make you a cup of tea. Sod them. They can make their own food and do their own laundry for a few weeks

Yanbu, they sound absolutely shit but are you the mum who does everything for them, never allow them to feel any disappointments, always running around after them, etc?
Have they always been like this?