AIBU to be upset with teenage sons?

[OhMyGodIFeelSoSick]

Over the last few days I have been feeling really ill. Even when I had covid twice, I didn't feel this sh!t. I have a congested head, things streaming out my nose, I feel sick and last night I was shaking. I came home from work, had a hot bath to warm me up and lay on the sofa. I couldn't eat as felt too sick, but put something in the oven for them whilst they were out.

They came back, ate, and I asked them to make me a cup of tea. One moaned he was busy and the other made it, but left it to stew for an hour.

This sounds melodramatic, but I was so upset I was crying. I felt so ill, and they can't even ask if I am OK and if I want anything. My DH is away at the moment on business.

This morning I am up, but still feel terrible and the kitchen is a mess. They went to school without checking to see if I was alive.

I'm pissed off. I am such a caring mum and do so much for them and they can't even make me a f*cking cup of tea when I am really sick.

AIBU and how can I get my DS's to not be lazy gits, lacking in compassion to their mum.

couldn't eat as felt too sick, but put something in the oven for them whilst they were out.

Well there you go.
Why did you do that if you felt so I'll knowing they can both cook well?
You can't reach them to be caring to you if you don't even show them that you care for yourself.

What is your home life like in general? For instance what does your dh do for you? Does he role model good behaviour in taking care of you when you are ill and showing care and consideration? Or are you a stoic, martyr who just gets on with everything even when you are ill? Do you both care for each other when ill?

Lots of teenagers are self absorbed so it doesn't necessarily mean your parenting is woeful and you've created entitled brats. Spell it out to them, 'I'm ill, you need to cook for yourself and me'. See whether they rise to the occassion. If they don't then you both need to take time to work on this together.

YANBU. Honestly mine were a bit like that as I defaulted to doing everything for them.
Anyway one day I lost the plot. Properly lost it. I'm talking throwing stuff on the floor I was so mad.
Anyway I apologised for losing my rag but since that day they have made more of an effort. They are by no means perfect but do make an effort and occasionally even clean up the entire kitchen unprompted!

Is it possible they just didn’t want to disturb you OP?
Rotten though that they couldn’t even make you a cup of tea or tidy up after themselves. A serious discussion about thinking of others and not being so selfish is required as well as having second thoughts the next time you think of doing something nice for them.

Maybe they didn't realise how ill you felt. Teen boys can be self absorbed. Texting them I feel so ill I'm staying in bed today. Bring me regular hot drinks please might have got the message across more.

A 13 year old can make a cup of tea and a dinner. Mine cooks once a week and has done since aged 10.

Thanks!

Teenagers are selfish by nature but what I found from seeing friends and my own experience is because we often are too caring and do to much they don’t actually pay attention or value it .
You know what works ? Stop taking Tate if them so much . They are capable . They will only understand it if you do the same to them .

I've had this a few times with my (now adult) children and the best way I've found is to text/WhatsApp them as a group. Make it as factual as possible and also point out how their behaviour made you feel (without going on and on!) State it as a matter of fact and explain what you expected of them, that you didn't get. State that you expect better from now on. Mine have never been as extreme as yours OP, but I think that sometimes they genuinely just don't think and they need to get used to putting themselves in other peoples shoes.

YANBU and you are absolutely right to want to sort them out. They are growing up in a culture which reinforces to them that caring for others is for women and not something they have to be concerned about. But women and girls are increasingly disinclined to put up with this shit from men, and so it is unlikely that they will have happy relationships later on in life if they carry these attitudes forward with them. All teens can be a bit selfish and uncaring, and I think need decent standards of behaviour reinforced to them. Most grow out of it, but there is a subset - usually although not always young men, I'm afraid - who seem to go through life expecting others to wait on them without giving a shit in return.

Just spend the next few days concentrating on getting yourself better. Let them look after themselves. At those ages they’re not going to starve and they should be more than capable of looking after themselves. After you have recovered I’d have a serious chat with them about their behaviour and more importantly take a step back. If you carry on doing everything for them your just setting up some other poor woman in 10 of 15 years time to post yet another thread about how useless and self absorbed her husband is.

Time to go on strike. No meals, cleaning, washing done for them etc. When they question why, say you realised when you were ill and they could barely make you a cup of tea that giving in the relationship was one way so you decided to leave them to it. They’ll soon realise all you were doing and will hopefully show their gratitude by stepping up.

Not sure OP, because I think this is something to teach from birth. Which is why I cringe when I read posts about how children owe you nothing, their feelings must be centred at all times, they can treat you as they please cos...undeveloped brains..because this thinking is how we end up with thoughtless teens who see you as an appliance rather than a human being.
Hoping for your sake this isn't typical of your boys and that they are decent teens who were just thoughtless/distracted, because ignoring their visibly ill mum is not on. I'd talk to them, ideally with your partner there so its a consistent message. Tell them they were wrong and what changes you want to see going forward.

I'd think you had my children if you'd said 13 and 11! 13 is a shitty age though ime, he's my 3rd 13 year old

It's upsetting op when you feel like crap and they won't even do the basics or even ask if you are OK

I’ve said it before on here and I will say it again now.

Sometimes there are times for explaining, teaching, working things through. You are entitled to respectful behaviour appropriate to the circumstances.

But, this time, when you feel better, I would be going off my brain at them because, just sometimes, teenagers need to slapped in the face with a wet fish.

Same. You have just had a clear message that they take you utterly for granted and don’t feel they need to take care of you or consider your needs/feelings at all. Time to make a change. Teens are often excused for being self-centred as if it’s something they can’t change - trust me, they aren’t all like that. I have taught hundreds of teenagers over the years and they are perfectly capable of being kind and thoughtful, many of them without needing to be reminded!

Yep, that's really crap OP. DP gets migraines a lot and 16yo (usually) steps up when she does. Makes her cups of coffee, checks on her periodically, sort out dinner etc.

I'd be cutting back on being "caring" Mum for a while. Let them sort their own dinners for a while, do their own washing, no lifts anywhere. And explain exactly why you're doing it.

They sound awful, I’m not surprised you’re upset.

Time to stop doing so much for them, it just creates lazy, entitled adults.

Absolutely agree.

And when they are used to you "explaining, teaching, working things through", being slapped with that wet fish (I prefer 'going fucking nuclear', personally) can be so shocking to them that they actually think about what they've been doing.

It sounds to me as though they don't make you a cup of tea when you are well even which is where you have gone wrong. They should already be doing this as a normal thing and then they would know you need extra care when ill. I guess the fact you made dinner led them to think you were okay to make a drink. I guess if they were used to making a drink it wouldn't have occurred to then to cause a fuss about having to do so.

Don't raise your boys to rely on women cooking and doing things in the house. The more normal you make this the more it isn't an issue for them.

Jeez, my teenage boys who have ld would never behave lime this. Disgusting. Hold onto this feeling op and start making changes so that they realise what family is

Turn of the WiFi and pause their phone contracts.

Yeah that's shit behaviour, for comparison my teen dd helped with the cooking, kept up with the washing up and helped if I needed something when I had covid recently.

It's basic humanity to look after loved ones when they're ill.

Start doing less for them. They need to learn to reciprocate care.

What do they do currently?

I don't know what the answer is, we should be able to make them better, but I had a very similar experience with my teen boys. The good news is, today the 22yo has treated me to brunch and hoovered the whole house, without being asked. It does improve.