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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with teenage sons?

80 replies

OhMyGodIFeelSoSick · 24/04/2024 09:06

Over the last few days I have been feeling really ill. Even when I had covid twice, I didn't feel this sh!t. I have a congested head, things streaming out my nose, I feel sick and last night I was shaking. I came home from work, had a hot bath to warm me up and lay on the sofa. I couldn't eat as felt too sick, but put something in the oven for them whilst they were out.

They came back, ate, and I asked them to make me a cup of tea. One moaned he was busy and the other made it, but left it to stew for an hour.

This sounds melodramatic, but I was so upset I was crying. I felt so ill, and they can't even ask if I am OK and if I want anything. My DH is away at the moment on business.

This morning I am up, but still feel terrible and the kitchen is a mess. They went to school without checking to see if I was alive.

I'm pissed off. I am such a caring mum and do so much for them and they can't even make me a f*cking cup of tea when I am really sick.

AIBU and how can I get my DS's to not be lazy gits, lacking in compassion to their mum.

OP posts:
Imisssleep2 · 28/04/2024 03:57

What is your husband's compassion in this scenario? I'd he never asks if your okay etc in this scenario, then your son's have grown up with that as a role model and it may not even occur to them to check/ask because they haven't seen others do it and just assume super mum will be fine and sort everything like she normally does.

I think you need to talk to them, explain how much you do for them day in day out and that when your feeling a little worse for wear (or not even) making a cup of tea or even a bit of toast wouldn't go a miss to help you recover. Even when everything is fine, if one of them made you a cup of tea off their own back it would go a long way right?

anon4net · 28/04/2024 04:04

YANBU. I think sometimes it happens even more when parents are overly kind/caring/nurturing. It's like they forget it need to be more than one way.

Talk to them. This happened to me once. Share with them what they should do when someone is unwell and why. They are old enough to hear it and to do better.

Feel better soon Flowers

MariaVT65 · 28/04/2024 04:10

Def have a word with the 18 year old about using some intuition and caring for others.

However I do think where you went wrong is still making dinner for them. That probably made them think you weren’t as ill as you felt. Next time, they need to make their own dinner.

TheaBrandt · 28/04/2024 04:19

Sometimes in life I think you can put aside being kind and reasonable and just go flipping nuclear. This is one of those times.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 28/04/2024 04:26

Yanbu but I do wonder, how does your dh usually behave at times like this? Have they grown up seeing him caring about you and pulling his weight or is he also selfish? Either way, I'd be going on strike and expecting dh to sort them out, they need to see him lead by example how to be a caring and kind man. Hope you feel better soon.

JMSA · 28/04/2024 04:30

Aww, I'm sorry OP. That's really rubbish. I would definitely tell them how you've been feeling, as it IS extremely disappointing.
I hope you feel better soon Flowers

the7Vabo · 28/04/2024 08:05

Hope you are feeling better OP.

Im sorry your sons behaved like that but it’s a valuable opportunity to make changes.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a male thing, I was all about me, myself & I as a teen and I’m a woman.

Great they can cook but from now on they need to do a lot more, laundry the works.

It’s not only for you, they need to be able to function fully as adults which is something I really struggle to do.

1983Louise · 28/04/2024 09:19

I'm afraid teenagers are very selfish, give them the bollocking they need and don't do anything for them for a week or two. I'm sure once they've no clean pants to wear they will reflect on their selfishness. Hope you feel better soon x

WildBear · 28/04/2024 09:22

Nature versus nurture? Sometimes it doesn't matter how much we try, if they are shits, they are shits.

TerriPie · 28/04/2024 10:52

You've nurtured too much, time to step back or you'll be setting them up for being divorced from their future long suffering wives.

OldPerson · 28/04/2024 18:08

You and DH both need to have a talk with them.

In the meantime stop being a martyr and making food for them when ill.

If they're not nice enough to look after you, they're old enough to look after themselves.

TenseElongatedRightFinger · 28/04/2024 18:33

I'd have used what little strength I had to claw my way to the router and pull the plug.

But seriously have a firm chat about what is needed when someone is sick. Basics like making sure there's a supply of water, any medicine, blankets, checking temperature, checking in on the person and when to get help and how.

I was once so ill I needed 999 called and my very tech savvy teen son who's normally sensible suddenly lost the ability to work my smart phone or realise he didn't need my pin to make an emergency call. Meanwhile my other son practically stepped over me to return to gaming.

I hope you feel better.

CoffeeMama1 · 28/04/2024 18:45

What their dad/your DH like? Children learn what they see, so if they don't see him being caring and equal in the household then they won't be either.

Xmasdaft2023 · 28/04/2024 18:47

Sounds like my 13 & 5yo would look after me better, speak to them about the disrespect because that’s what it is!! The teen can be selfish here but the caring side of him in this would be he’d sort me and his little bro out.
really hope you feel better soon!

AllyArty · 28/04/2024 18:48

Not good enough OP. They are old enough to see how poorly you are. Get yourself better, explain the situation to you OH and sit the boys down and have a proper chat. You deserve better. I hope you’re feeling better soon.

LupaDuende · 28/04/2024 18:55

This happened to me over winter hols. I think I should have been seen as i was too sick to even leavey bed and too dehydrated to urinate. 3 children 20, 18, and 15 and almost ex husband.

Nobody could be bothered to open my door and check in on me, let alone offer tea or pedialyte. My friend in USA kept her mobile near to check on me and ensure i was hydrated. Sadly, it changed how i saw all of them..., they even whinged about not having Christmas dinner or presents!

Elsewhere123 · 28/04/2024 18:58

Make clear your needs. They are not mind readers. Say I need this this and this from son 1 and this this and this from son 2. And give them a list each with tasks on then make clear you are ill and will just look after yourself.

DisabledDemon · 28/04/2024 18:58

‘When’s dinner, mum?’
’When you make it.’
’Where’s my PE kit?’
’Festering in the bag where you left it.’
’Why haven’t I got any clean underwear?’
’I don’t know. Why do you think you haven’t any clean underwear?’

etc.

ChristmasGutPunch · 28/04/2024 19:01

I think a lot of children never care for their parents as their parents expect. It is maybe something to think about for future planning.

Wildefish · 28/04/2024 21:17

OhMyGodIFeelSoSick · 24/04/2024 09:06

Over the last few days I have been feeling really ill. Even when I had covid twice, I didn't feel this sh!t. I have a congested head, things streaming out my nose, I feel sick and last night I was shaking. I came home from work, had a hot bath to warm me up and lay on the sofa. I couldn't eat as felt too sick, but put something in the oven for them whilst they were out.

They came back, ate, and I asked them to make me a cup of tea. One moaned he was busy and the other made it, but left it to stew for an hour.

This sounds melodramatic, but I was so upset I was crying. I felt so ill, and they can't even ask if I am OK and if I want anything. My DH is away at the moment on business.

This morning I am up, but still feel terrible and the kitchen is a mess. They went to school without checking to see if I was alive.

I'm pissed off. I am such a caring mum and do so much for them and they can't even make me a f*cking cup of tea when I am really sick.

AIBU and how can I get my DS's to not be lazy gits, lacking in compassion to their mum.

Hi, hope you feeling better. When I had cancer my 3 teens were useless. I was divorced so no adult to help out. Three days after chemo I took to my bed and they hardly ever came to check on me. I had left them everything they needed and all I asked for was them to bring me water. When I emerged after three days hardly able to stand the kitchen was a bomb site. They all grew up to be wonderful caring adults and have apologised for their terrible behaviour. So what I’m saying is they are teenagers and please do not take it personally. But fo call them out on it as I did and hopefully they will learn!

beAsensible1 · 28/04/2024 21:22

they should both have a cooking day during the week by now. 14 year old can have assistance from you or DH on their day.

stop being their dogsbody and start forcing a bit of responsibility and empathy from the both.

DiduAye · 29/04/2024 00:17

Sadly being a caring Mum has spoilt your boys Make them pull their weight from now on!

Poodles23 · 29/04/2024 07:52

I really feel for you 😢 I had a son who would happily make him something to eat and drink whilst I was upstairs in bed after an operation unable to get downstairs, once I shouted down ‘what are you doing’? He replied making something to eat, why did you want something’? In all of his life living with me (single mum) he never once made me anything to eat or did anything for me. All he did was make a mess and look after himself. I believe I tried to bring him up not to be selfish and with good manners but it meant nothing and I obviously meant nothing to him as we are no longer in touch.

threatmatrix · 29/04/2024 12:23

It see the more caring you are the worse you get treated. Mine are exactly the same.

WonderfulSkye · 29/04/2024 18:58

Sounds like your husband should ring them and have a stern word and give them a list of housework to do every day this week until you are properly better, this includes cooking for you, making you drinks etc
Unfortunately teenagers can be very self absorbed, if your husband points out that they have treated you badly hopefully they will have a pang of conscience.