AIBU to be so upset my Year 8 son has no friends?

[CurlyCarla9]

My DH says school is just a horrible place that you get through to get out and that I’m worrying too much!

I’m a primary school teacher so I see the damage having no friends / being left out causes to children.

My son has ADHD although copes well in mainstream academically and is sociable but just hasn’t made any friends at all - he struggled enough in primary with friendships but I was able to help this somewhat by constantly taking other people’s kids out, spending lots of money and hoping it would follow onto a friendship - it never really did.

Now at secondary, all those primary kids have stuck together and my son has made no friends with any other group as they have all come together over things such as football training ( football is the one sport my son hates! ) or picking on other kids - mainly my son.

School are aware, they’ve tried various things such as a social skills group etc and the feedback is always good, that he is funny and well liked but this is only in the classroom / in front of teachers and then at break and lunchtime he’s alone.

He doesn’t want to move schools as hates change or I would have him out tomorrow but it’s heartbreaking to see him playing online games alone or with random people on the internet who then don’t bother with him again after a while or to see the large groups of boys heading to the skatepark after school and he is walking home alone 😢

Could have written this about my ADHD son too. He went off to school ok but spent every break time alone and lunchtime went to inclusion.
It broke my heart but he was the same as your son, just got on with it.
He is now in 6th form and has finally made friends, found his people. The adhd diagnosis (only a year ago) helped him understand why he was a bit different though

Do you think it was his ADHD that caused some friendship issues?

I honestly can’t see why this is an issue within friendship groups - academically yes he struggles in certain areas but I never thought this would be a deciding factor in a friendship group 😢

Im sorry you’re son went through this - I really hope my son finds his people come sixth form.
Maybe it’s best he doesn’t go to the one based at the school or he kids will all be the same - did your son go to a separate one?

My ds doesn't have adhd- but does have a few issues related to trauma that can make him come across quite young/hyper. He really struggled socially in yr7 & yr8 and had no friends.

He's in yr9 now & has found his friendship group. The key thing for him that seemed to help was finding an outside group/hobby he enjoyed & made good friends in that, learnt social skills, regulated his enthusiasm a little & those skills slowly trickled into school situations as well. Also meant he wasn't so lonely because he could game with friends made from the hobby etc..

It feels horrible when they go through it & you're not wrong to worry & to look at what can help. Ds school had a lot of lunchtime clubs & with the head of houses help, we encouraged ds to join several, so he didn't feel as alone during the lunch hour.

An awful lot of male friendships at secondary are built around football.

I'm surprised that the gaming is not a shared interest - that is also a very common way to bond.

What does he do outside school? Scouts/cadets etc might help with social skills and building a friendship group.

I thought the gaming would be something they could do together but they just tell him he’s an idiot for playing fortnite and won’t give him their player names.
It’s making me want to take him out of school.

Now at secondary, all those primary kids have stuck together

Did they all/majority go to the same secondary school? What about kids from other schools? Secondary is usually a much bigger place with a much bigger friendship pool

Does he want friends?

Mine is much younger at 5, but is autistic and spends his break and lunchtimes alone doing his own thing (under the watchful eye of his 1:1) but that's his preference, and how he decompresses before going back to the classroom environment which is more challenging for him.

If he does want friends, what about trying some out of school activities that are of interest to him? Hes more likely to find his tribe over a mutually enjoyed activity, whether that's chess club, circus skills, white water rafting or whatever.

Might be alone in this but I don't think it's a bad thing that your DS has come to an acceptance that it's a horrible environment that he just needs to get through. That is the reality for a lot of people at secondary school and there isn't much that he can do to change it.

I hope in time he finds some potential people, maybe when they all start to mature a bit.

Mine has ASD and has been the same as yours through secondary school. He's ok with it though - how does your son feel about it? That's the main thing. Mine definitely finds sixth form easier as the classes are much smaller and he is with the same people much more frequently. Is it possible he is AuDHD? Friendship struggles are so common with ASD. Alternatively he might jut not have found his tribe yet. , he might find it easier 16+ as he will be doing subjects he's more interested in with other kids who are also more into the same things.

One other thing my ND son often finds other ND people easier, the person he gets on best at school with currently is dyslexic.

He needs to try something out of school. How about cadets? It’s very structured. DS went and really loved it, no ND but some kids there definitely did plus it was a decent mix of boys and girls. It was also not that expensive and he learned a lot of skills, he actually saved someone’s life when they were choking as he took a first aid course.

Fortnite is very much played by young children, that lot will have moved on to games that are rated 18 plus probably. They may also have a different type of console so wouldn’t be able to play unless cross play.

Do you know which behaviours are impacting on him negatively in friendships?

I have no experience yet of senior school but nobody likes the kid with adhd in my sons class because all he wants to do is play rough.

He also tries to isolate my son from other friends.

I don't think any of these things are related to his adhd.

Your son will find his people OP. It took me till year 9 when we'd had a year of the forms mixing in classes.

Thank you for the replies.

He does get upset by it hence all the meetings with the school and them trying to set up certain groups etc to help him integrate.

It is possible he has ASD alongside ADHD but he’s not socially uncomfortable ( like my daughter who is ASD ) and neither does he “ play rough “ although he definitely did at primary school compared to the other boys - this has long stopped.

He is in a BMX group and a diving squad and gets on with all the kids whilst there but it’s doesn’t come to anything outside because he doesn’t feel he can ask for their numbers etc as it’s “ weird “ and I’m usually the only parent dropping or collecting to these groups so I can’t have a quick word with any of the parents!

I think this is quite common. The main thing is how he feels about it. Sometimes being in the group but low down the pecking order isn’t much fun either! Perhaps try a new hobby for him to meet people

Lots of people won’t agree with me but I’m not prepared to accept school as a horrible experience that has to be survived, for my dc, and I would (and have) remove him if he’s very unhappy.

Are there any youth clubs etc specifically for neurodivergent children local to you? Is home education a possibility for you?

It's horrible for you I know but he will find his tribe I'm sure xxx

How is he at sports?

Fortnite is seen as for younger kids.

The popular kids at secondary will not admit to playing it even if they do.

Diving etc will be very structured and hard to make friends through

Try cadets/scouts/woodcraft folk etc.

Years 7 and 8 are the WORST for pupils excluding others and friendship problems. Does your school have a drama or other club he could join?
If it’s any comfort, it usually settles down in year 9 when they choose their GCSE options as predetermined groups are broken up and you’re sitting next to the same person for a lot of subjects. Could you take a group of boys out for his birthday or something?

This sounds so like my son. He is y9, has ADHD, and also has no real friends. He spends lunchtime in the library writing stories on the computer.

He sometimes gets upset about it and asks to move school but I think he would find the same issues elsewhere and he has amazing pastoral support at his school.

His ADHD is mostly inattentive and he definitely doesn't play rough. In fact, he's not sporty at all (which doesn't help).

He doesn't seem to understand how friendships work and I'm trying to help with that.

He has joined explorer scouts which I read about on here and which has been very positive though hasn't produced any friendships outside of group.

I'm hoping that a mix up of classes in y10 ahead of GCSEs might help. There are also a lot more lunchtime clubs in y10 that he can go to.

Sorry, no advice, but just solidarity! I find it really hard because he gets sad about it, and also - this sounds awful but I don't mean it to - I have to entertain him all the time. Weekends and school holidays are all on me - or he just stares at his phone for hours. Luckily I work for myself so I can juggle things but it's tricky to come up with activities suitable for a 14-year-old and his knackered mum!

Yes I’m working very hard to convince him to join some of the after school clubs but he feels the same boys will exclude him so why would he do this in his free time?!

There’s an SEN youth club but I’ll have to majorly convince him to try this as he hates starting things on his own but equally hates me being there!

I have offered to homeschool, well use online schooling as he certainly wouldn’t do much work for his mum! but he was adamant he didn’t want to do that.

I think he would feel more isolated than he does currently as he gets on well with a lot of the teachers so is at least talking throughout the day to other people 😢

I’ve done this every single year and the SENDCO actually told me to stop as they ignored him completely when back in school

Mine struggled in primary but found his group by 11/12, more or less, and at16 is fine and staying on for 6th form.

At 14 he is likely to be in subject sets or moved around, and that should give him a chance to develop a friendship. Mine has some different friends as a result of that.

I wouldn’t rush to change schools unless he really wants to, as he’ll be the new kid coming in and I don’t think that is easy either.

But I would definitely think a different 6th form or college would be good as many others will be new.

At our school there is a competitive Lego club, chess club and some excellent music groups. Has he tried everything available? It might be that he needs to walk away from those neurotypical ‘popular’ boys and accept that group isn’t him right now. Hard when they all want to be part of a tribe