AIBU to be so upset my Year 8 son has no friends?

[CurlyCarla9]

My DH says school is just a horrible place that you get through to get out and that I’m worrying too much!

I’m a primary school teacher so I see the damage having no friends / being left out causes to children.

My son has ADHD although copes well in mainstream academically and is sociable but just hasn’t made any friends at all - he struggled enough in primary with friendships but I was able to help this somewhat by constantly taking other people’s kids out, spending lots of money and hoping it would follow onto a friendship - it never really did.

Now at secondary, all those primary kids have stuck together and my son has made no friends with any other group as they have all come together over things such as football training ( football is the one sport my son hates! ) or picking on other kids - mainly my son.

School are aware, they’ve tried various things such as a social skills group etc and the feedback is always good, that he is funny and well liked but this is only in the classroom / in front of teachers and then at break and lunchtime he’s alone.

He doesn’t want to move schools as hates change or I would have him out tomorrow but it’s heartbreaking to see him playing online games alone or with random people on the internet who then don’t bother with him again after a while or to see the large groups of boys heading to the skatepark after school and he is walking home alone 😢

Ignore if this isn’t your thing OP but would he consider a church youth group? You don’t have to be religious and the volunteers there are usually very supportive of youngsters who are new and on their own. He could make a new group of friends outside of school. Some of these friendships might even overlap with school.

This. It's not character-forming. Personally I think it's achievement-limiting - having to expend so much energy planning to avoid, enduring and trying to rationalise intensely stressful and isolating situations reduces a child's capacity for learning and trying out new things. That's why I'd be looking at alternative schools.

I had no friend in year 8. I clung on to whoever I had sat next in the previous lesson for break times.
In years 9-11 I had a steady group of acquaintances who I did the same subjects as. I never saw them out of school I had a crippling anxiety of asking my parents if I could go out after school. I had a lot of responsibility in the home too and I didn't want to have to pass my jobs on to others
I started my a levels and made good friendships with the other science a level students.
I then went to uni and I had 2 friends and my boyfriend now husband. I had more acquaintance by never saw them outside of lectures.
I did a year in industry and had acquaintances
I did a PhD and had a good friendship group of people my partner knew and 1 good friend I met on my own. I had a group of good acquaintances - drinks after work but I wouldn't meet them on a Saturday
I moved at work I have mostly good acquaintances and 2 people I have contact with outside of work.
I had a baby and did NCT hoping for friends out of 7 mums I had 2 friends and 2 acquaintances. I make arrangements to see the friends and a get on well with the acquaintances when we are at mutual events but I wouldn't contact them separately

I have a friend from my a levels who comes in and out of my life as we randomly find ourselves in the same places.

I have learnt I'm a really good acquaintance but I struggle with friendship. 2 I can manage but that's it. I have bipolar and that can be a lot and mean it's hard to keep friendships whilst trying to manage something that others wouldn't necessarily understand. I find it much easier when there is a common interest. My PhD and work stand out as a time when friends has been easier to build both involve lots of science and found myself with people that had similar interests and views of the world. At school or in the NCT group where the only reason you are in the same room is because your parents or you had sex and made a baby at the same time and in the same rough geographical location as another person that I find harder.

Is there a science or stem club at his school? I run ours and the kids that go there are the loveliest in the school. They also tend to be quieter and very accepting of each other. There are a few who come along because they struggle socially and are just looking to have somewhere to go.

Could it be that a move from primary school friends would help? They're not his tribe and it sounds like he needs to forget about them.

My DD was ostracised by her primary school friends in year 7. It was a very lonely period for her and had a hugely negative effect on our family for months. She was completely alone in form and refused to join any clubs to try to meet more people. A few months into year 8 the situation was no better but she was adamant she didn't want to change school or move form. We could see that her mental health was deteriorating and we made the decision that she had to move form and we spoke to the school.

She was really nervous about doing it but it's definitely worked out for the best. It took a few months, but she eventually developed friendships with a couple of the other quiet girls in her new form. She'd never have made friends with them without the form switch.

DD had also developed quite bad social anxiety and felt that she couldn't speak to children her age, so we got her some therapy (privately) in mid year 8. This was amazing at building her confidence back up after the isolation in years 7 & 8. Therapy and moving form were the best things we ever did. She's like a different person.

If I were you, I would seriously consider pushing for at least form move where there might be other children who are similarly isolated before your DS's sense of self is permanently damaged.

Good luck.

I’ll reply in depth later but there would be no merit in moving forms as they only spend 20 minutes at the start and 10 minutes at the end of the day in form.

They are in “ sets “ for everything by year 8

We did a move in primary school ( before the boy with ASD turned up in Year 5 ) and he hated it so much I had to get his original place back! Mortifying for me but he hated the change / not knowing where things were so much that it ruined any chance of friendships forming sadly 😢

It sounds like he has a ‘reputation’ and other children are just joining in the ostracism of him, either to be nasty or because they see other children excluding him so are put off approaching him.

Could you persuade him to move schools? Perhaps starting afresh without a reputation would give him a better chance to make friends. He can’t be alone. There must be other boys like him out there. He just has to have a chance to find them. A fresh start might help.

Church youth group has been fab for my son, so welcoming and it doesn't matter that we aren't religious