AIBU to be so upset my Year 8 son has no friends?

[CurlyCarla9]

My DH says school is just a horrible place that you get through to get out and that I’m worrying too much!

I’m a primary school teacher so I see the damage having no friends / being left out causes to children.

My son has ADHD although copes well in mainstream academically and is sociable but just hasn’t made any friends at all - he struggled enough in primary with friendships but I was able to help this somewhat by constantly taking other people’s kids out, spending lots of money and hoping it would follow onto a friendship - it never really did.

Now at secondary, all those primary kids have stuck together and my son has made no friends with any other group as they have all come together over things such as football training ( football is the one sport my son hates! ) or picking on other kids - mainly my son.

School are aware, they’ve tried various things such as a social skills group etc and the feedback is always good, that he is funny and well liked but this is only in the classroom / in front of teachers and then at break and lunchtime he’s alone.

He doesn’t want to move schools as hates change or I would have him out tomorrow but it’s heartbreaking to see him playing online games alone or with random people on the internet who then don’t bother with him again after a while or to see the large groups of boys heading to the skatepark after school and he is walking home alone 😢

My year 10 boy sounds very similar. He had a couple of friends as such who he would game with but nobody to play out with or anyone he would invite to a birthday party or such.

Year 9 came around he got a good handful of gamer mates, not Fortnite though that’s just for messing around on. He also became flooded and I mean Inundated with female friends. Calling him all hours, wanting to meet up, invited to parties, then coming around here. His bestie who’s actually homeschooled these days can ring him at 5pm and left to their own devices would be on the phone gaming still come 2/3am.

His friends are all quite into gaming and coding and don’t get dragged into school drama or politics. School is head down and get it done all in the higher to top sets and then they let lose on gaming.

He will find his tribe just it can take longer for some than others.

Is his school oversubscribed? If not, I would ask him to try another school on the basis that he could return to his present school if it is not working out.

Sometimes it really is the school which is the problem and I agree with the poster above that the school years (when DC begin to be formed as adults) are not simply there to be endured. Having a miserable, lonely adolescence can have long-lasting effects.

Friendships are so difficult - when it's impossible to manufacture them. Even if you get a kid and the teacher specifically instructs them to sit next to, work with, and be nice to X, and the kid does all that, it still won't make them become friends. And you can instruct X to smile and make eye contact, to ask questions about how other kids have spent their weekends, to wear whatever the most mainstream and popular trainers and hoodie are, to play the same games and listen to the same music, but you still can't make other kids gel with that and become their friend if that spark isn't there. And unfortunately someone desperate to be friends with you is the most off-putting thing.

You can only try to set out the best possible circumstances for friendships to arise, keep your options open, and challenge anything that strays fully into bullying.

It’s just so hard to see 😢

He did have one ASD friend at primary but he went to a specialist school for secondary so that’s been lost a lot

I don’t think it’s reasonable to say it's a horrible environment that he just needs to get through. Nobody should be forced day after day to go somewhere that they’re bullied (yes, being excluded is a form of bullying and it’s horrible).

If you say this then you’ve never experienced it yourself. The deep sadness and depression that you constantly feel. The nausea and panic when it’s time to go. The crushing self hatred that becomes ingrained in you because everyone hates you and everyone can’t be wrong. You learn that you have no control over your life and you can’t escape from bad situations, and you carry that helplessness with you into adult life.

It’s 30 years since I was in that situation. I still have a panic attack if I hear a sound like the alarm that woke me up for school. I’m still having therapy to deal with the issues it caused. Please don’t inflict this on your child.

No advice OP, sorry. Only to say that my son was similar. Like you I used to basically try to "buy" friends for him by taking other kids out for the day and paying for everything. Sure they'd come along for the fun but they never bonded with my son. In fact they'd even make fun of him in front of me, whilst I was digging into my purse to pay for their entertainment.

Kids instinctively pick up on anyone different. It's the pack mentality and they don't want to hang out with a child who is even slightly divergent. Even if they quite like the child in question, they are still scared of being outcast themselves through association.

It is bloody heartbreaking and you have my sympathy.

My ds (Y8) goes to an autism youth group and he really likes it, it's the only club he's ever stuck with for more than about half a term. Ours has a parents room so you can stay and they know you're nearby. The first time he went he commented how much nicer it was than mixing with the kids in school, because he understood their brains better and it was less judgemental.

He's since made friends with some other quirky kids in school, but having watched him go through primary with only one 'friend' (who wasn't the best match for him but was another boy who was left out), I feel your pain op.

My ten year old is like this and I can't see it improving. It's so hard and I can only send empathy sorry. We just have to support them through it and hope they find their tribe as others suggest.

Sending hugs. My Year 8 son has no friends either. I hope he finds his people as he gets older.

Looking back, I was very happy in my own company when I was his age. I never socialised outside of school - ever. At school I did have friends, but even then I didn’t really feel valued or enjoy anyone’s company much.

By Year 11 I was extremely confident and secure in myself. I could comfortably do a presentation in front of the class or outwit one of the popular kids easily. I also did GCSE drama. I hope that same confidence comes to my DS as he gets older.

Is your son reluctant to make friends because of the insincerity of the friendships?

I'm ND and whilst I'm polite and friendly I do not get involved in some relationships at work or sports because of the insincerity of some people. I've been able to spot it since very small and it repulses me.

As such I'd choose no friendships over unstable or unpleasant ones and this seems to be quite unusual.

As an adult (and to a latter extent at school) I have very close and trustworthy friends. People I would hide the body with/for!

Having a network outside of school was very important to me but there was an element of waiting out school because it was so unpleasant. Being a grown up is much, much better!

It definitely got better throughout school as I found my tribe. Same happened at the school gates as a parent, was surprised to see lots of deeply insecure people around not having changed much from their teenage years. I don't want to make others feel worse so I can feel better about myself or join in petty games. But it was much easier as an adult to navigate, mainly because as I've got plenty of social capital these days!

I'd advise you try different hobby groups with him so he can find friends in or out of school. Try everything for a bit, drama, swimming, art etc until there's one he can stand. Both evening and holidays. Having friend even from another school will help build his self esteem. Can you try clubs out of area. If you're being bullied it's easier to make friends in a place where no one knows you.

My DS is 15 (yr 10), suspected ASD/ADHD (awaiting referral) and struggles socially. He does have friends, but they don't meet up outside of school so he really only has me and his Dad

He's not sporty either, lots of interests but nothing that he could join a club for etc.

This sounds like bullying op

Im amazed at the comments saying he should accept school as an awful experience.

So. Putting the gaming aside...does he actually want to go to the park with other kids?

Have school done enough to help him meet lile minded children

are there other smaller schools locally ? Cld u pay for a private school ?

Does he have autistic traits? Autism.and adhd are v commonly linked. That might cause the social struggles

Would he move form? My son is year 11 but at the end of year 9 we were going to move schools but we were able to move his form and it made a massive difference to him.

This is so sad, and selfishly a major worry of mine for my DS (who is year 6 and whilst he isn't diagnosed, he isn't your "average" boy. I am worried he'll be eaten alive in September!!)

What are your son's interests?
Does he have any friends outside of school? Any cousins or relatives of a similar age?
Does he mind being alone at break and lunch times? What does he do? Are there any lunch time clubs?

The "picking on" and nastiness is utterly abhorrent and the fact it's perpetuated by kids he knows is horrible. I would be up the schools arse about this.

But in the meantime I'd be making his non school life as nice as possible - plan things he enjoys for evenings and weekends and holidays. I'd offer lots of support, positivity and encouragement for anything he enjoys outside of school and any extracurricular stuff he takes an interest in.

I wonder if its possible to learn to make friends, if there are books or youtube videos for kids? When I was a kid I had no idea, I used to ask the same questions over again and just talk about random things. I read some books as an adult and I'm better at it now.

I was thinking similar, but honestly, at the same time it’s hard not to wonder if he’s inadvertently doing something to put people off. He’s not managed to make a friend at primary, or with all of the play dates set up by his mum, or any of the kids in secondary school, or any online gamers (if you asked my 7yo dc who is his best friend, he’ll tell you Christian from America who he met on his oculus on Xmas day. They play most days now. And mums already listed the extracurricular activities he’s in. Is he unbelievably shy op? I know it can be hard for some kids, but all he needs to do is make the first move sometimes. If he’s stood there feeling anxious to the point he’s subconsciously snarling at people to leave him alone, then no one’s gonna approach him

The bit YABU about is that your DH is right - high school is mostly a hellscape to be endured. There are a handful of children in each year group that sail through but for the rest it’s pressure, friendship issues, puberty, angst and acne.

It is heartbreaking when your amazing, lovely child is hurt, overlooked or bullied. I could barely stand it, I wanted to bulldoze in and fix everything. But I couldn’t.

Concentrating on making home a safe, relaxing and nurturing space was about all I could do. And to let him know he could call home and my network of resources should he need them.

It’s awful, it’s painful, but it will pass. You’re deep into the worst bit right now. Take heart that it will get better.

I wonder if he needs a capable and objective adult to observe his interactions with peers and see if there are any strategies he could be helped with.

When I look back, all the friends I had at school were the other girls with ASD, just none of us were diagnosed as it was the 80s.

Could you persuade him to clubs that are likely to attract other ASD/ADHD boys outside of school?

Honestly though it took until 6th form to find my people when we were in much smaller groups and only doing subjects we liked.

I think boys like this need to find other boys like them. The school obviously cannot tell you who else has ADHD etc but you can ask informally for them to be put in small inclusion groups centred around hobbies/clubs. At DS’ grammar they ran them for chess, history, maths, computer game strategy(!), also lots of those types of boys loved orchestras and rock bands.

Can you pick apart exactly what is 'wrong' - and write it down really clearly to help think about it

so - 1. is he being bullied? It does sound like this might be the case.

do other children find him annoying? Can you ask yourself this honestly (this can be a neurodiverse trait ie. not reading the room, being inapprorpriate or annoying etc) -

Does he actually want friends? Does he want to be in the park but nobody asks him ??? Or does he not want to be in the park but feels lonely without an alternative? its quite a big difference.

What would his ideal play date / hang out situation be? what was it when younger?

Somewhere in your town / city there will be other neurodiverse kids / or kids who just like what he likes - the key is to find them.