AIBU to be so upset my Year 8 son has no friends?

[CurlyCarla9]

My DH says school is just a horrible place that you get through to get out and that I’m worrying too much!

I’m a primary school teacher so I see the damage having no friends / being left out causes to children.

My son has ADHD although copes well in mainstream academically and is sociable but just hasn’t made any friends at all - he struggled enough in primary with friendships but I was able to help this somewhat by constantly taking other people’s kids out, spending lots of money and hoping it would follow onto a friendship - it never really did.

Now at secondary, all those primary kids have stuck together and my son has made no friends with any other group as they have all come together over things such as football training ( football is the one sport my son hates! ) or picking on other kids - mainly my son.

School are aware, they’ve tried various things such as a social skills group etc and the feedback is always good, that he is funny and well liked but this is only in the classroom / in front of teachers and then at break and lunchtime he’s alone.

He doesn’t want to move schools as hates change or I would have him out tomorrow but it’s heartbreaking to see him playing online games alone or with random people on the internet who then don’t bother with him again after a while or to see the large groups of boys heading to the skatepark after school and he is walking home alone 😢

Can I ask how much he struggles academically?

The reason I ask is that at my school we run a nurture group for students who are very academically behind. It's only about 10-15 students and mostly students with EHCPs.

They are in main lessons for PE, art, etc but for maths, English etc they are separated out.

The students in the nurture group generally
make friends with other students in the nurture group, or other SEND kids in the inclusion room at break or lunch.

Some students from the nurture group want to be friends with the "mainstream" kids. It rarely works out as the mainstream kids are all gaining independence and moving into teenage mode - WhatsApp and meeting in town and hanging around in groups and going to football training together and dick pics and porn - whereas the nurture group students are often in "child" mode until a lot later.

Teens in mainstream often don't want to be associated with anything that might be thought babyish and so they aren't going to want to play Fortnite with him.

Is there an inclusion zone where he can hang around at break and lunch? Or does he not want to be associated with them?

He is in a BMX group and a diving squad and gets on with all the kids whilst there but it’s doesn’t come to anything outside because he doesn’t feel he can ask for their numbers etc as it’s “ weird “ and I’m usually the only parent dropping or collecting to these groups so I can’t have a quick word with any of the parents!

Why is he not able to make his way to the group? He is old enough and I think you hovering probably isn't helping. I am not sure anyone will want to hang out with a kid who is being followed by his mum. Approaching other parents at this age is also weird. If my mum told me at that age that another mum asked me to make friends with their kid, the most likely outcome would be an eye roll.
I am autistic and I didn't and still don't have much in a way of friends. It is fine. I picked up pretty high quality people along the way who understand my quirks and are solid friendships. I don't need hundreds of friends. I am quite happy with 3-4 that I have.

My son is not dissimilar but finds a lot of comfort in groups he pursues. He’s got a lot of hobbies and interests and I think these give him enough social contact. I also think his friendships will develop as everyone matures.

I agree that for all my kids friendships changed once they got to gcse years and the classes were all switched round.

I do agree that a lot of friendships at this age revolve around football. Does he play anything other than Fortnite? I must admit I would associate that with a younger age group and (rightly or wrongly) I would assume the other kids are more likely to be playing Call of Duty style games, again Fifa tends to be very popular but if he doesn't like football he's probably not interested in that either.

Having said that he shouldn't change his interests to fit in and I am sure there must be other kids in the year who are more like him it may just be a case of finding out where they hang out at break/lunch.

Why are you the only parent picking up/dropping off at clubs. Is he not able to make his own way there? At that age even if they need a lift to a club, a parent would be expected to just pull up outside and drop off without getting out of the car.

Yes he started just prior to starting year 7 to help focus in lessons

My year 7 DS is the same, also suspected ADHD (and autism)

I think he usually has somebody to sit with/be with at school but no proper friendships. He doesn’t have friends to do anything with on weekends or after school. He just spends all his time at home.

So similar to my now yr 9 son. He’s got ASD and was on the receiving end of some terrible bullying however things have settled down considerably and he has found great friendships. With my DS they are all mainly with girls which I realise isn’t for everyone. He’s not sporty or a gamer so had nothing in common with most boys his own age.
I agree with others that it can settle down a bit with gcse options as they switch classes etc but also doing things outside of school really helped him build his own resilience more. It’s awful though - yr 7 and 8 when he had been so excited about going to secondary school in the hope of making friends was heartbreaking for him and I. I also offered to change school, take him out to home school etc but I think the problems would have been the same elsewhere tbh and at least for mine he has older siblings at the school so knew they were “there”.

I also find my son seems a lot more younger/immature than others his age. Even though he’s 12 and a half, he seems more like a 9/10 year-old. I’ve read this is common with ADHD. I’m hoping things may be a little easier when he catches up maturity wise.

Sorry I should have been more clear with the dropping off at clubs.

Both clubs are a good half an hour drive away and no direct bus or anything that he could use - I don’t mean I walk him in or anything!
Just that even if I wanted to chat to other parents I physically couldn’t as all parents are either dropping and going or their children travel alone.
The travelling alone wouldn’t help my son make friends as we are the furthest away by a long stretch so he would be on his own travelling, not walking home like some of true others kids can as they are more local.

Is his school a small school op?

I home Ed two of mine. I was thinking more of getting him involved in the home Ed community, to make friends, home Ed kids are often much more accepting of diversity.

We briefly did an online school and you’re right, it was isolating.

You sound fab. Your support and unconditional acceptance of who he is will be invaluable to your ds, I’m sure.

No a massive school - 300 pupils per year group!

He is in the bottom sets but has no EHCP therefore although he is in smaller learning groups, he is in mainstream rather than the SEN unit.

I think he will find his people. I think first step would be to send a note via the instructors of his outside clubs to set up a social get together or something with a few of the kids there. I survived secondary on outside-school friends.

In that case there must be some other boys who are not into football and are more on the periphery. I'm wondering if he's just more aware of the popular football lad types because they're the more dominant group.

@CurlyCarla9 - my DH was similar- I’m sure he has ASD but never diagnosed as it’s “not too bad” if that makes sense. He is very picky about every and very fixed in his ideas so other kids used to annoy him over things that were just kids stuff. He had a few friends now that he made in his 20s (shared love of cars) but they are all now getting girlfriends, moving in together etc so don’t always want to go out at the weekend. My son (now mid 20s) has never had a girlfriend and is too shy to speak to them.

I felt /still feel a bit sad that he is missing out but he seems happy in himself. Hopefully your DS does too?

Both of my DC struggled with friendships, particularly at Secondary. They weren't invited to the birthdays and meet ups which inevitably brings those existing groups closer together. However, ours start GCSE courses in Y9 and this led to both of them finding their friendship groups. I never thought it would happen, particularly for the youngest, I used to cry myself silly over it because he was so lonely. Hang in there. The eldest is out all the time now, the youngest still not so much but I'm comfortable he has friends now. He is NT but one of his friendship group has Autism, it's no big deal woth the other boys. But they both play Fortnite (and Minecraft!) at age 14 and 15 so there's definitely hope. I tried really hard not to make it obvious I was worried - no keep asking "did you play with anyone today" etc. Good luck OP.

If a bunch of popular kids are picking on him than they're the problem. Not him. Instead of offering him social skills training - which implies his social skills are at fault - there should be a focus on improving their social skills.

It may not necessarily be anything to do with his ADHD as my son has ASD and has a great friend group so I wouldn't keep that particular thought as the sole reason. I think as others have said, maybe he just needs to find his people with similar interests. Unfortunately at their age (my son is yr 8) football and football related video games are a big thing seemingly. Sometimes even finding one person with a commonality can be an in road to a bigger group. Is there possibly one kid he might feel comfortable chatting to and is approachable?

I hope things look up for him xx

My DD hates change, and one of the biggest mistakes I've made was not changing her music teacher, who was not a good match for her - I suggested it but she didn't want to. I should just have done it - by the time she did change, the damage was done.

So if you have reason to think that another school would be better, it might be worth overriding his not wanting change.

My son is similar. No real friends in school. Hes y11 now. He muddled along ok until this year when he’s started being picked on.
he does a sport though and he has friends through that, but they mostly live a fair distance away.
I just try and make sure he knows it’s not that important in the long run and he will have so many more opportunities through life to meet his people

Hi op I get you. I have a year 8 dd who has been off school since October due to severe anxiety and agoraphobia and her anxiety was made much worse when starting year 8 and her best friend from reception turned on her and made new friends. They were so close it broke my heart but dd has said she’s not interested in making new friends as doesn’t really like people 😳 she was diagnosed with ASD in November after a long delay due to Covid.

my ds is now 21, he also has ASD and we now suspect ADHD which I’ve got. He was bullied horrifically when he started his new secondary school and I removed him in the April of year 7 and mine schools. It was the best decision we made. He has a large group of amazing friends who all accept him totally, he made much more stronger friendships when starting GCSE’s due to smaller groups and shared interests. He is much more sociable than dd though.

my ds and 4 of his friends were on Fortnite last night for several hours though they do also play FIFA. I know you said he doesn’t want to move schools but sometimes a fresh slate is what is needed and kids will see him for the lovely lad that he is 😘

This - and the quieter perhaps more ‘nerdy’ ones might well be in higher sets. Mine is top set for maths, sciences and English. I think that’s what has saved him from the football dominant group - there are other nerdy boys in the top sets. His older brother was in a low set for English- but he loves football so it was ok for him.

I think having children who need support academically and socially in the lower sets, which are not SEN groups, is very hard. Is it worth talking to the school about whether he’s in the right sets for him, all things considered? If he’s stuck with COD gamers and football fans he might not find boys with similar interests.

However, once he is in option groups etc in Y10 this might change for the better- certainly improved things for my DS2.

My y8 autistic son has no friends- certainly none that he's put a number into his phone although he does talk to some people in school. He's not socially motivated though so at least that's more on his terms.

His school teaches in tutor goups in y7 &8 (with slight weighting of banding but not as rigid as sets) so I'm hoping that GCSEs in y9 and setting helps put some more compatible humans on his radar. Also at about 14, the opposite sex tends to become more approachable as friends.

Even though extra curriculars haven't generated friendships, it's still helpful to have that wider social context.

DS tends to find it easier to talk to people who are either younger or older where a match of social maturity isn't expected. He can cope with nuturing younger children or calmer, more mature company.