To wonder about the OP whose daughter had ASD and she was going zero tolerance any associated behaviour for the happiness of her other child, herself and husband.

[Shestolemyboyfriend]

I remember a poster who had a daughter with Autism and was having meltdowns due to beig overstimulated al lot of the time. I think there were issues around misophonia around eating , control over the TV etc and who could be in the room at any time. The OP decided that the needs of the few were outweighing the needs of the many and had decided she wasn't going to engage with any of the behaviour any more as it was making the rest of the family miserable. She had everyone divided but it sounded so hard for the whole family with a seemingly no win situation. I wonder how she fared and how it all panned out. I have a friend in a similar situation and she is doing the same with her son, after some kick back the dynamic is totally different. I just wondered how it worked for her.

Hard disagree.

There are some limits such as not hurting others or committing crimes, but other than that then no.

Especially not when you’re referencing an actual disability. Disabled people - of any description- are entitled to expect others to make reasonable adjustments.

I was amazed when I went to London how hard it was to get around with him in his chair. I stupidly expected it to be easier there!

I don't understand your argument.

No one is insisting asd people have to change themselves to fit in. People are just saying the world doesn't make adjustments for anyone - however much we would like it to - so those asd people who learn coping techniques and ways to manage their difficulties & develop better social skills will have a far better life than those who don't.

I don't know if you're arguing for a perfect world where everyone accommodates eachother. We'd probably all like that, so we're actually in agreement - but that's not the world we have.

Do you think asd people shouldn't try to learn better emotional regulation and social skills? Surely the only person it benefits is themselves. I can't really see an argument for not learning it and making someone with asd's life much better and nicer than it would have been without those skills.

But shutting yourself in a room can be a perfectly reasonable coping strategy.

And as you are no doubt aware, not all situations can be managed with coping strategies anyway - so learning what you need to avoid is important as well, not just pushing through, melting down and then having to deal with the aftermath.

I do think this is something that should be primarily led by the individual. It’s shit enough being a child with no autonomy; adult life is so much easier when you can live by your own rules!

Do you think asd people shouldn't try to learn better emotional regulation and social skills?

Who is defining “better social skills”?

I think people with ASD should interact in a way that works for them.

I think many NT people would benefit from learning better emotional regulation tbh. It’s not generally people with ASD sobbing and shaking about things, as many posters claim to on here!

Ds spends lots of time in his room it helps him be able to cope with the expectations of life.

i am on the (very long!) waiting list for diagnosis and although I outwardly function ok there are plenty of times I need to hide away to help myself regulate ready for whatever is next

@Cherrysoup @stargirl1701

My friend has three children, oldest is 12 years old. Couldn't cope with anyone else in the house eating near him or the smell of food other than his chosen safe foods. He controlled who went into the bathroom and when, barging in when people were bathing, tantrums in the dining room because he sat in there to do his IT, hitting out at siblings just for walking past him. They'd had enough of living by all the rules and quite literally ignored every meltdown and told him to go tonhis bedroom because nobody was interested. They also proceeded to watch what everyone wanted on the telly, ate and cooked what they wanted and took back he dining room. It made everyone miserable. He started going ro his room at dinner time or when he was stressed because nobody engaged with any of his behaviour. They've taken back to power and the family autonomy he doesn't seem any unhappiest for it.

Of course shutting yourself in a room can be a valid way of coping, but what I'm trying to say is that it shouldn't necessarily be seen as the default technique just because it makes life easier in the short-term.

You have to think about the long-term and how what you're teaching your child will eventually have to translate to the real world. Unfortunately, the reality is that you can't always avoid things that make you uncomfortable. You won't always be in situations where you can just shut yourself away.

Adults can't just live by their own rules either, they have (to some extent or another) to learn to live by the rules of the wider society they're a part of. Learning coping techniques is essential - yes, it's not necessarily "fair" but there are lots of things about autism that aren't fair. You can't dwell on that forever though.

Autistic people don’t need to learn ‘better’ social skills. By that, I think you mean ‘neurotypical’ social skills and it’s quite an ableist comment. Autistic social interaction is different, not worse.

Emotion regulation will come when sensory overload is reduced and when that person’s basic needs and ways of being are respected as equal.

I do that too, I often stay home all weekend because it means I'll be able to cope with the week ahead. But I also know that I can't just walk away from work and shut myself away for hours - I need to learn other skills as well so that I can learn to manage everyday situations that I know will make me struggle.

But as an adult you’re able to choose - to some extent - a job that minimises the things that stress you out / overwhelm you. You can choose whether or not to engage in particular social events. So it’s much easier to put strategies in place when you have that level of autonomy.

I really feel sorry for ASD kids today - there are so many more demands placed on them than when I was growing up.

Coping techniques include pacing of demands and shutting oneself away when necessary. Since I learnt to do this as a late diagnosed person, I am more able to cope in situations where it isn’t possible to do that immediately.

As the parent of an ASD child this thread makes me feel sick.

Yes, I do agree with that. It's much easier as an adult than it is as a child.

Exactly. As said many many times it's not about not allowing one child to do something it's about not allowing them to control everything and everyone else.

Oh, absolutely. I agree completely.

But you still need to teach children ways of coping in those situations where they can't shut themselves away immediately, and unfortunately that sometimes means deliberately exposing them to things you know they won't like, in order to teach them those invaluable techniques, if that makes sense.

I'm not talking about zero tolerance and never making allowances, but slowly teaching them that if they're in a certain scenario and can't run to their room, they could also try doing X and Y. And hopefully over time, X and Y become more natural to them and they find they don't feel that urge to run and hide (where running and hiding isn't an option, of course).

Interesting thread.

It's a subject that's very personal to a lot of people and as a result can get quite heated.

Autism presents in my family and I also work on occasion with young people who are diagnosed.

My first thought is that how autism presents is unique to the individual, so I'm personally wary of generalising approaches. Parenting a young g person who is non verbal with very heightened sensory issues is very different to a child who does well academically but struggles socially and finds some food textures problematic for example.

This is also further complicated by potential additional diagnoses and also the age and circumstances the individual is dealing with.

I do as an overarching view feel that maintaining boundaries with reasonable adjustments (for the individual) is a good approach.

However, there may be periods where due to external stressors those boundaries need to flex - sometimes to a considerable degree.

It can be hellish trying to find a family balance within all this, especially when multiple family members may experience different autistic presentations and their stressors happen in response to different triggers at different times and I think a bit of understanding of this would go a long way.

That said, I do think is dangerous to adopt a presupposition that accommodating all behaviours at all times is beneficial for the person and the wider family.

In what way? I think it's been a really interesting (and largely civil) discussion for once! It's gone much better than many other threads about autism, that's for sure,

Every single person in every society in the world needs to be trained to supress their own needs to fit in with their society. Every single one. If they are not, they will be excluded/outcast/unemployable/imprisoned whatever that particular society does to the individuals who wont conform. Autistic people are not exempt from this

Hard disagree here too.

I don’t disagree with you here either.

I think that’s impossible to do from a baseline of overwhelm. But it’s certainly what I try to do with my autistic dc, and myself.

I switched to home educating my autistic DC.

During lockdown they were different children, so much more resilient without using up all their energy trying to cope with school. It was a real wake up call.

DS was in special school and never going to sit any exams.

DD was starting to fail in school because she had an (undiagnosed at the time) language processing disorder (alongside but separate to autism) that means she can’t follow verbal lessons. She wouldn’t have been able to manage mainstream secondary school, an opinion held by the Ed Psych and the speech and language therapist. But also though she didn’t qualify for special school so literally nowhere for her!

My DC were 10 years old when we started home educating and they’re so much happier, and more resilient. Our lives literally have been transformed- and I know that sounds like a dramatic statement but it’s unbelievable the difference it’s made.

Their capacity for learning has sharply increased and they’re doing so well. I never planned to home educate but here we are 🤷‍♀️

My DC go to home ed groups, even though DS would rather stay at home and not go! But it means they get exposure to situations that challenge and stretch them, but in a far more manageable way.

Definitely. Minimising the chance of overwhelm is absolutely the most important thing you can do long-term, but IMO that needs to be something that's done alongside learning coping techniques for when you can't necessarily "escape" for want of a better word.

I know for certain that one of the reasons I cope with the real world is because I only work part-time hours and generally stay home at weekends, lol. But I also use the techniques I was taught as a child to help me cope with situations at work I can't necessarily avoid, or things like going to the dentist or the shops - things I hate, but that are obviously unavoidable sometimes.

I think we all agree that SEND education provision is dire and as you point out, by putting in the right structures and strategies has enabled the building of resiience, I suspect that their coping skills will have improved immensely compared to if they had stayed at school

This thread reminds me of the thread when the TV ad first aired of the family with two teenage girls, one who had autism. (I think it was some washing powder or something).

The overwhelming consensus at the time was that the child with autism was absolutely in the right with the demands placed on the family, and her sister was being totally unreasonable in kicking back against it.

Any posters who tried to explain their difficulties with parenting in a similar situation were rounded upon and told that the autistic child always had to have their needs prioritised and everyone else had to accommodate them.

Interesting contrast.

I dont remember that being the consensus, I thought that there was a refreshingly large acknowledgement that the sister had a bit of a shit life due to having a number of her needs probably not met.