To ask if I’m being mean to asking the au pair to join us for a dinner party?

[EastEndQueen]

We have a (relatively, for the last 5 weeks) new au pair living with us and for the first time since her arrival I’m having a dinner party on Saturday. AIBU to hint politely that I would prefer her not to come?

For context, we share many many evening meals both family meals with the DC and just the three of us, taking turns to cook and sharing weekend Deliveroo treat meals etc. We have had the odd person (mainly relatives) over in the last 5 weeks and she has joined us for meals then. We don’t eat all our meals together but that’s usually because she or we go out or I say ‘it’s date night’ relatively firmly.

Dinner party feels different because - it’s a group of old friends who rarely get together (small DC, busy diaries, work, babysitters etc). I love, really love, letting my hair down over a massive boozy dinner, gossip, inappropriate jokes etc, all of which I would prefer not to do with someone who I am essentially managing. It’s also that whilst she is a lovely person, she is also quite young (24 but quite a young 24 if you know what I mean?) doesn’t pick up brilliantly on social cues, can be very worthy etc.

What do you think? Am I being mean?

Just to avoid the inevitable questions, she is all above board, recruited from a reputable agency, paid in line with NMW legislation, has clear working hours and time off and is here on a appropriate visa from a commonwealth country. Speaks fluent English and has friends and family in our city. We give her a prepaid debit card for her expenses including meals not taken with us so she wouldn’t be out of pocket in any way - it’s more a social question.

YABU- invite her!
YANBU- you are allowed a night off

i know it would be easier to go out to dinner but money is tighter for everyone and it’s easier to be at people’s houses…

Totally fine to have a social meet with close friends and not want her there. Cld u say a friend is going thru hard time so sorry you need private time.

of course you don't need to invite her. I was a live in au pair and the mother told me I would only eat with them in the week, not at the weekend. But you need to tell her, clearly, in advance. you don't need a reason.

Just tell her that her shift ends at XX:Xx time, that you have a private event, and she needs to be absent for this event?

You say she’s someone “that you are essentially managing”, but you don’t seem comfortable doing the actual managing?.

I think that’s fine. I’m assuming she has her own area she can chill in or go out for dinner by herself and friends if she wants to. Does she have a kitchenette, or would she be expected to eat before or after you’ve cooked?

Just say 'we're having friends round for dinner so feel free to do your own thing tonight. Have fun whatever you do!'

I’d just pitch it in a way that will sound like it’s for her benefit.

‘Some friends of mine are coming over and I thought you probably won’t want to join - would you like to get a takeaway, my treat.’

I can’t imagine she wants to listen to you and your mates chat about old times etc all evening.

If I were a young au pair I'd actually be relieved not to be invited (no offence). Busman's holiday springs to mind.

It's also the au pair's home. Au pair status is somewhere between employee and guest, "au pair" meaning "on a level with". An au pair is not a maid.

You sound like a great "madame", @EastEndQueen, and of course you're entitled to your own evenings!

Why would you think she wants to come?

I am sure she would prefer to chill out in her own space than be on her best behaviour, having a meal with her boss and assorted strangers!

No offence intended but most people do like to have downtime and it doesn't sound like she is getting much.

It's fine not to invite her but you need to give her some kind of extra spends to go off and do something else - e.g. for cinema or something. Explain you are having some friends around who you want to be able to catch up with privately so you'd like her to be either out for the evening or upstairs in her room if she doesn't want to go out, and here's £30 to make sure you can have a nice evening.

By the sounds of the au pair has a lucky escape / wouldn’t want to join anyway! 😂

"You sound like a great "madame", @EastEndQueen, and of course you're entitled to your own evenings!"

😳 Madame means something entirely different where I'm from... Young women don't work as au pairs for madames.

Were I the au pair, I'd be thinking yuck to the "date nights".

Perfectly fine to say she'll need to eat without you/entertain herself because you're having a dinner party.

I don't think it would be reasonable to send her out of the house for the evening, though. She might want to do that anyway if she's not eating with you - but equally she might just want to relax in her room with a pizza and watch Netflix or whatever.

She's supposed to be equivalent to a young family member, it's reasonable to say you've got your old friends round for a catch up. If I was staying with my aunt I wouldn't expect to be included in everything.

Considering that with the new exemptions for domestic workers legislation - there aren't really au pairs any more. You must be paying about £300/week, so you've basically got a junior nanny.

@skipit81

you could have just closed the thread. No one cares if you read/reply or not.

I don't think it is mean, in fact it would seem strange to invite her.

I would say that you are inviting friends over for your regular catch up, so make sure you have alternative dinner plans?

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. She is working for you in the context of being treated as part of the family, that's an essential part of what being an au pair is. So it isn't that reasonable to insist she has to make herself scarce in the family home.

That said, I assume she'd probably hate being there, so a conversation to explore what she'd prefer is totally reasonable.

Thank you everyone who has responded so far. This is all quite new to me (I manage people at work but it’s a bit different when they are sleeping in your house and the whole ‘part of the family’) thing.

I actually started out saying that would only have one meal together a week but she seemed quite sad about that and asked if we could have dinner together more so we’ve slipped into doing that more often than not. Hence my anxiety that she will be hurt about this. She always eats with us at her instigation and has lots of down time (we are all very disciplined about her only doing her 30 hours and no more)

Good idea about the takeout ☺️

It seems really mean to ask her to go out for the night or to confine herself to her room. You could offer to pay for her to take a friend out for dinner if you want her out of the way, but you can’t ask her to do something that won’t be very nice for her.

We are having friends for dinner tonight. We would like this to be private so have the night off and do your own thing. See you at breakfast tomorrow