To ask if I’m being mean to asking the au pair to join us for a dinner party?

[EastEndQueen]

We have a (relatively, for the last 5 weeks) new au pair living with us and for the first time since her arrival I’m having a dinner party on Saturday. AIBU to hint politely that I would prefer her not to come?

For context, we share many many evening meals both family meals with the DC and just the three of us, taking turns to cook and sharing weekend Deliveroo treat meals etc. We have had the odd person (mainly relatives) over in the last 5 weeks and she has joined us for meals then. We don’t eat all our meals together but that’s usually because she or we go out or I say ‘it’s date night’ relatively firmly.

Dinner party feels different because - it’s a group of old friends who rarely get together (small DC, busy diaries, work, babysitters etc). I love, really love, letting my hair down over a massive boozy dinner, gossip, inappropriate jokes etc, all of which I would prefer not to do with someone who I am essentially managing. It’s also that whilst she is a lovely person, she is also quite young (24 but quite a young 24 if you know what I mean?) doesn’t pick up brilliantly on social cues, can be very worthy etc.

What do you think? Am I being mean?

Just to avoid the inevitable questions, she is all above board, recruited from a reputable agency, paid in line with NMW legislation, has clear working hours and time off and is here on a appropriate visa from a commonwealth country. Speaks fluent English and has friends and family in our city. We give her a prepaid debit card for her expenses including meals not taken with us so she wouldn’t be out of pocket in any way - it’s more a social question.

YABU- invite her!
YANBU- you are allowed a night off

i know it would be easier to go out to dinner but money is tighter for everyone and it’s easier to be at people’s houses…

Does she do 30hrs of work a week for you? She's practically a nanny if so.

Au pairs normally don't have sole care of babies or toddlers for significant periods of time (unless they're babysitting and the child is asleep), they don't take real responsibility over and above keeping them safe, giving them fairly basic food and getting them from A to B. I guess there are nannys who do such limited duties but it's not the norm.

hint politely

An au-pair will take their cue from you so long as you are clear. She's possibly less interested in a dinner party anyway. The interactions you describe are textbook examples of the trouble with hinting when people do not share a culture so don't have the same frame of reference.

I'd say something like 'we are having dinner party on xx, what would you like to do while we are busy entertaining? Would you like us to order you some pizza, or ... or is there anything else you would like to do.

I'd expect that you would pick up any reasonable bill, such as a pizza or cinema outing or Netflix

No drama so long as you are clear.

We’re having friends in for dinner tonight - do you want to eat earlier with the children, or would you prefer to go out or grab a takeaway in your room

Sorry missed this. Page didn't upload

Glad sorted

Maybe do set days to eat with you and dh. Weekends off

So maybe mon wed eve

Or Tue thur

This

Yeah I know. 30 hours of work is not doing limited duties, hence she's more of a nanny.

It's a lot of hours, but the duties she's doing during those hours will be limited, eg babysitting while the children is asleep, collecting an eight year old from school and bringing them home on the bus.

Sounds like it worked out well. You’re a lovely thoughtful employer!

I think it's fine. Just give her enough warning so she can make arrangements to eat if she wants to use the kitchen to make her food.

Confusing? Don’t be so ridiculous.

😂 Is it really ridiculous to expect the title and the post not to directly contradict one another?!

Confusing means perplexing and difficult to understand. The several hundred words in the OP make it obvious that the au pair is not wanted at the dinner party. The fact that YABU is the choice for inviting her and YANBU is the choice for not inviting her only makes it all the more obvious that EastEndQueen doesn’t want to invite the OP, and has left a word out of the title rather than miswrite the entire first post. So yes, it’s ridiculous to suggest that anyone was confused by it.

Would you invite her if she were your daughter? Au pair means equal [to a member of your family].

invite the OP should read “invite the au pair”. Hope nobody was confused.

What is icky about "date night"? DH and I have date night every now and then at home. It just means a nice dinner, usually in the dining room (as opposed to kitchen) with candles, the good china, and conversation. It does not mean that we are going to have mad passionate sex on the dining room table.

I'll admit I got over my confusion pretty quickly, but I was indeed initially confused when I started reading the post. You are clearly far more intelligent than I am- well done, you!

😂 Is it really ridiculous to expect the title and the post not to directly contradict one another?!

It was still incredibly easy to work out what had happened though. I appreciate not everyone may have been intelligent enough to do so though.

Don't hint though. She might not take it.

It's absolutely fine to say we are having friends to dinner. Do you want to eat earlier on or get a takeaway that evening? No doubts. Not included.

Don’t take the advice of an excuse (friend having hard time or whatever), it’s a lie, you not need a reason, and mostly, because you’d set yourself up for having to make up excuses every time. The ‘family’ member thing isn’t really true, she’s paid staff. Hell, I tell my kids to clear off if we’re having a grown up dinner.
Be straight talking. ‘I’m having a dinner party this evening so if you want to food at home, please could you do it before they arrive so I can have the kitchen free?’ Or similar. Then next time, all you’ll need to say is ‘I’m having a dinner party again, guests expected at 8’.
Also seems very odd to pay her to be out, unless you’re loaded. I also don’t pay my kids to clear off.