To ask if I’m being mean to asking the au pair to join us for a dinner party?

[EastEndQueen]

We have a (relatively, for the last 5 weeks) new au pair living with us and for the first time since her arrival I’m having a dinner party on Saturday. AIBU to hint politely that I would prefer her not to come?

For context, we share many many evening meals both family meals with the DC and just the three of us, taking turns to cook and sharing weekend Deliveroo treat meals etc. We have had the odd person (mainly relatives) over in the last 5 weeks and she has joined us for meals then. We don’t eat all our meals together but that’s usually because she or we go out or I say ‘it’s date night’ relatively firmly.

Dinner party feels different because - it’s a group of old friends who rarely get together (small DC, busy diaries, work, babysitters etc). I love, really love, letting my hair down over a massive boozy dinner, gossip, inappropriate jokes etc, all of which I would prefer not to do with someone who I am essentially managing. It’s also that whilst she is a lovely person, she is also quite young (24 but quite a young 24 if you know what I mean?) doesn’t pick up brilliantly on social cues, can be very worthy etc.

What do you think? Am I being mean?

Just to avoid the inevitable questions, she is all above board, recruited from a reputable agency, paid in line with NMW legislation, has clear working hours and time off and is here on a appropriate visa from a commonwealth country. Speaks fluent English and has friends and family in our city. We give her a prepaid debit card for her expenses including meals not taken with us so she wouldn’t be out of pocket in any way - it’s more a social question.

YABU- invite her!
YANBU- you are allowed a night off

i know it would be easier to go out to dinner but money is tighter for everyone and it’s easier to be at people’s houses…

I was an au pair, about a million years ago, I loved it when I didn’t have to eat with the parents. Who were lovely, but it was like extra language lessons every night and tiring.

Totally fine not to invite to a dinner party, I would never have expected that.

But stop with saying “date night” that is icky, if she lives in your main house she’ll have her earplugs at the ready to drown out the creaking bed springs. Just say you’ll be eating on your own on those days. As long as the overall balance is that you eat with her more often than without her, that is fine for the au pair arrangement.

This. Don't blur the lines.

Totally appropiate for you to entertain your friends without your au pair present. Presumably your children will be in bed when guests arrive.

Give her the night off, hopefully she'll find something else to do.

If she wants to stay home let her know you're busy with friends that night and she can eat with the children if she's not going out.

“Au pair” is not quite the same as a live-in nanny. The expectation is that they are treated as one of the family- it’s French for “on the same level”.

She's more than that though. This is also the au pairs home.not her house but it is her home. And the au pair isn't on the clock 24/7. So it isn't about telling her to go and do her job elsewhere, it's about telling her she isn't allowed in areas of her home for a certain time. Which op is absolutely reasonable to do, but it is more complicated than "I'm the boss, do as you're told".

Op just be clear you're having couples over for dinner and she isn't needed for childcare so kitchen and X rooms are no go zones between X and X. What I don't think you can do is demand she leaves the house until you decide you're finished

AIBU to hint politely that I would prefer her not to come?

Don't hint politely. Be very clear. So much is lost in translation. If you suggest she might prefer to go out, she might say "oh I'd love to meet your friends"

Maybe give her some money to go to the cinema & a meal out that night, however YANBU.

Are you feeding the children separately that night? If so just say you are having friends over so she can eat with the children or do her own thing.

Yes but an au pair is closer to a teenage or adult child than a peer and I wouldn't expect any couple to invite their young adult offspring to a dinner party with their friends. Well maybe some would but it would be unusual.

"This is your home. she is your employee."

AN au pair is not an "employee" - Employing someone to work in your home: Au pairs - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

That the OP would rather not have the au pair attend the dinner party is fine - as an adult who claims to be experienced in managing people it should be easy for her to explain this - but if the attitude is that the au pair is an employee and that the relationship in the house is that of employer/employee, then maybe this is why the OP is having difficulty finding the right words.

“We’re having friends for dinner on Friday, are you okay to do a frozen pizza/order a takeaway/go out?”

i think you’ve over thought this one!

Yes thank you, it’s exactly this. It’s not a neat employee/ employer situation which is why I’m trying to get it right.

No intention of asking her to leave the house! And of course it would be fine for her to come in and out of the kitchen to get things.

The children eat earlier yes, they are quite young.

Agree with the ickness of the ‘date night’ phrase but it’s the only way I’ve managed to get though when I want us to have dinner alone. When she started I said ‘I’m just going to have dinner with DH tonight’ and then she would eat her own dinner earlier but come and sit with us at the table and drink tea whilst we ate and talked to us. Which stressed me out as we get very very little time alone.

Haha, yes 😂 As you can tell, I was an au pair in France! No idea of the English equivalent - "my lady" sounds a bit much. How do au pairs in England refer to the heads of their adopted family?

I am afraid I am not in a position to employ an au pair but I think "my lady" is fabulous 😁

Please tell her directly, not by dropping a hint as she doesn't seem to get hints. You said she is poor at understanding social cues, and she sat at the table drinking tea when you said "I'm having dinner with DH tonight" - she clearly didn't understand the implication you meant without her 🙈. So you need to be direct. I know it's hard though, I'd find it hard too with someone who seems sensitive..

it would be perfectly normal to tell your 17yo or university student to do something else while you have friends over for dinner, either to go out or to order a pizza and hang out elsewhere in the house. Same for an au pair. They don’t really want to spend the evening with you anyway.

you can finance the pizza if you want to be generous.

definitely be direct about it.

@CRbear 's approach is good. If. your au pair struggles with social cues, you need to be direct, but pleasant.

I don't see an issue with wanting privacy or this conflicting with the principle of treating the au pair as family - you wouldn't necessarily want a 24 year old family member to join a dinner party with a group of old friends letting their hair down. Anyone not of that friendship group would spoil the dynamic as you'd have to keep explaining things to them, references to shared history.

🤣🤣🤣

Totally fine not to invite her.

We're having friends over on x night so you have the night off to go out that evening or arrange a take away for yourself .

Stop hinting and just say what you actually mean. I was an au pair in the UK a million years ago and found it exhausting with everyone hinting at stuff, instead of just saying what was on their mind. The scared of confrontation stuff. Took me years to learn the British way. And my English was pretty good back then, so it wasn’t a language thing.

And please stop saying date night.

Just about the practicalities... if you're making dinner for friends, where and when will she be able to cook her dinner and eat it (in case she doesn't want the pizza option). Asking her to eat in her bedroom sounds horrible. I would never eat in my bedroom.

She has every night off.

You're not being mean not to invite her to your dinner party. But if you want her out of the kitchen for the duration of the dinner party and presumably before as well, you need to plan a way for her to have something to eat. You can't just ban her from the downstairs from 6-9pm, for example.

If you are treating her as a part of the family then surely she wouldn't be coming. I recently had two university friends and their dh's for dinner and one of them is DD's godfather (she's twenty) but my DD's didn't sit with us for dinner.