To ask if I’m being mean to asking the au pair to join us for a dinner party?

[EastEndQueen]

We have a (relatively, for the last 5 weeks) new au pair living with us and for the first time since her arrival I’m having a dinner party on Saturday. AIBU to hint politely that I would prefer her not to come?

For context, we share many many evening meals both family meals with the DC and just the three of us, taking turns to cook and sharing weekend Deliveroo treat meals etc. We have had the odd person (mainly relatives) over in the last 5 weeks and she has joined us for meals then. We don’t eat all our meals together but that’s usually because she or we go out or I say ‘it’s date night’ relatively firmly.

Dinner party feels different because - it’s a group of old friends who rarely get together (small DC, busy diaries, work, babysitters etc). I love, really love, letting my hair down over a massive boozy dinner, gossip, inappropriate jokes etc, all of which I would prefer not to do with someone who I am essentially managing. It’s also that whilst she is a lovely person, she is also quite young (24 but quite a young 24 if you know what I mean?) doesn’t pick up brilliantly on social cues, can be very worthy etc.

What do you think? Am I being mean?

Just to avoid the inevitable questions, she is all above board, recruited from a reputable agency, paid in line with NMW legislation, has clear working hours and time off and is here on a appropriate visa from a commonwealth country. Speaks fluent English and has friends and family in our city. We give her a prepaid debit card for her expenses including meals not taken with us so she wouldn’t be out of pocket in any way - it’s more a social question.

YABU- invite her!
YANBU- you are allowed a night off

i know it would be easier to go out to dinner but money is tighter for everyone and it’s easier to be at people’s houses…

Our au pair joins in with the family 7-7 weekdays (including meals in and out of the house), plus does an evening of babysitting per week. Weekends are her own, and while we will offer for her to eat with us at a family meal, more often than not she is out or has her own plans (KFC, there's not enough junk in our meal plans!). I'm sure yours would welcome clarity about weekend meals and family time.

Hi Au pair
I'm having friends round to dinner on Saturday. You can be off duty from x O clock. I would ask that you eat at y o'clock so I can have the kitchen clear for my preparations.
Boom

I'd offer to pay for a takeaway for her - or a contribution to dinner out with a friend.

Your title says the opposite of what you are saying in the OP, which is confusing! You're asking her NOT to join you for a dinner party.

Of course that’s ok. Your night in with friends equals her night off out enjoying herself.

Ooooohhh! Well aren’t you just sooooo refined!!

This is just bizarre. Just tell her “We’re having friends in for dinner tonight - do you want to eat earlier with the children, or would you prefer to go out? Happy to give you a bit of extra cash if you need it”.

The. End.

'We're having a dinner party on Friday, so do you want me to order you a pizza or would you rather money to eat out?' Job done.

Yes, you're being unreasonable to "hint politely that she's not invited". Just tell her.

Far out, she sounds like a super-needy boundary invader. I couldn't bear it.

You're paying her minimum wage?

You and your friends can't afford a meal out?

Stompythedinosaur · Yesterday 16:58
I think you're being a bit unreasonable. She is working for you in the context of being treated as part of the family, that's an essential part of what being an au pair is. So it isn't that reasonable to insist she has to make herself scarce in the family home”

Love our adult kids enormously. Don’t always want them at dinner with our old friends. They don’t want us with theirs, either.

You think the OP and her friends should all go out when they'd rather have a dinner party, to suit the Au Pair?!

I was an au pair once

I did not want to go to middle age dinner parties

Your children won’t be joining op so i wouldn’t expect the au pair to

This one likes to join in on Date Night.

Loads of people get paid minimum wage. That doesn't mean that people who don't shouldn't eat a meal in their own home.

Thank you everyone - she brought it up in the end and asked if she would be ok to join us or if I preferred not. She said she would try an Indian restaurant nearby instead so we covered the cost of that for her. Had a lovely night, feel it was the right decision. Now for the washing up 😅

She sounds very needy. That would drive me nuts.

We have friends over and our dc are asked prior to say hi but to skedaddle. It's normal

I don't think you're BU especially if she has friends in the city.

I might sweeten the pill by buying her a couple of cinema tix that night to a film you think she'd like to see. It's not really necessary but I guess it makes it clear she needs to be out and you can ensure she has fun alternative plans.

There's a lot of decent films out atm.

so you start the thread yesterday re whether to invite her. on the actual day of the dinner party?

Next time please be proactive about your plans and don't leave her to bring it up. How horribly awkward for her.

Surely she'd be delighted to go out with her friends instead. If she did come it could well feel like she was working, so she would possibly not really enjoy it as a guest.
Just say she's the night off. I'd think it weird if she was there to be honest. I hope she's not expected to clean up the aftermath when she comes back?

Think your au pair is on here, read the thread and knew to check the situation out with you. Hope you had a good evening and so did she.