I promised an update, and here it is. Just to say that now 24 hours have passed since the initial accusations from ExDP and having had some time and perspective from Mumsnet and my sister has been good in allowing my thoughts time to process. I haven’t read everything on the thread yet since I stepped away, but I will update as I promised and then read it and see if there is anything else to answer, or if this covers it. Thank you to everyone who took time to answer. The support was encouraging, and those that disagreed with me and thought I had acted unreasonably in some way, were also helpful to try and get a sense of why my ExDP might feel this way, and if there was any legitimacy to it.
In any event, as planned, I packed all exDPs things, and my DSis and BIL came around early with extra boxes, and I (at the suggestion of DSis and BIL to keep my mind off things) left early and took their children to their sports game and then for a hot chocolate to await a call from DSis saying to come home.
ExDP apparently came over an hour before the planned time (I presume to try and see me, not DSis) and brought the children, morning tea and flowers, despite me saying the day before it was not appropriate to bring the children. He told DSis he had no childcare, and couldn’t put off coming as needed things at the house.
It was apparently very awkward. My DSis and BIL said we’ll leave the flowers for me, but you and the children take the food and eat it later. They said they would help him load the prepackaged stuff into the car and then help the children pack their own stuff. He resisted this and ended up mainly talking to my DSis about the situation, whilst my BIL pushed things along by packing his car and helping the children pack the stuff they always kept here - clothes, books, ornaments etc.
Apparently ExDP thinks I have overreacted and need to accept that this is a difficult age for the children and all parents have to take it (telling my DSis ‘she knows how it is’ with her children of similar age). He wants to talk to me and then talk with the children about moving forward as a family. He says the children are upset at not seeing me and losing the place they stay EOW and will be even more upset about other changes that will have to take place. He apparently suggested that whilst we worked on things, he could move back in or move back in, in one of the children’s rooms, as the only way we could work through it would be together. He said it was unfair he had to leave so suddenly, and when he and his ex wife split, they stayed in the same house for a few months, whilst they made arrangements to sell and both move to rented accommodation. He also generally raised the issue of the split and the impact on the children, suggesting I was overreacting and needed to calm down and understand I had responsibilities that didn’t just end on my say-so.
Once packed, he was reluctant to take everything, saying it wouldn’t all fit in his car, so my DSis and BIL said they would pack the excess in their car and follow him to his house, which they did. I love them SO much for this. Everything has gone, except the furniture and bedding, as this was impractical to take.
I came home and spoke to DSis and learnt the above, and at that time got some text messages from him saying that there needed to be a discussion between us as to the end of the relationship and the practical steps moving forward, and suggesting coffee this afternoon. He also sent a video message from the children, apologising for last weekend and saying they were sorry I couldn’t see them this weekend. It’s not entirely clear from the message whether they know I consider the relationship over, or not.
I’ve thought about it, and I do think the mature, dignified thing to do is to meet ExDP and have the final conversation, making it clear this resolves/settles everything (both relationship wise and furniture and money wise) and further texts or calls or video messages are not welcome. I’m going to do that this afternoon, a coffee in a public place, as I want it over. I thought it was over earlier this week, but it feels like I have to do it all over again. I want to wake up tomorrow, knowing the hard part is done, and I can just focus on trying to get over being sad and having a lonely weekend stretching out before me. Albeit not marred by arguments or tension, so I suppose that is good.
Many of you have said DSis sounds sensible - she is. She agrees that, whilst unpleasant, a final conversation is a reasonable thing to want and that I should use it to make sure my position is clear and to finalise any outstanding issues or arrangements I think are still there or that he raises, so there is no reason for continued contact moving forward. She agrees the children’s furniture should go (if for no other reason that it benefits me to have an easy way to get rid of it and reclaim those rooms in my home ASAP). She is mixed on making a payment of money to him. On one hand she says if I do, it would soothe any lingering guilt I might have about ending it and requesting he leave immediately, about having protected my assets in the relationship and any moral obligation I might owe his children. She doesn’t believe any of those 3 reasons are valid, however she knows how I felt yesterday, and thinks those emotions will take time to process. She thinks the benefits of having it over, both in terms of cutting ties and allowing for emotional recovery, might be worth making a payment.
However, her overall view is that a payment should not be made, as he benefitted significantly financially from the relationship, both in terms of lifestyle and ability to save or fund more things for his children. She likened it to a young adult living working and getting a full wage, but living at home with parents paying all expenses. Doing this dramatically increased his disposable income. I was very clear when we had discussions over moving in about how I saw the asset position, and whilst as someone said, yes, he was disadvantaged by not benefiting from any equity that may have accrued in my home during that time, equally, he made significant savings by moving in with me and had his own income all at his disposal. His financial position improved dramatically upon moving in, mine stayed the same. Any contribution he made to bills etc really just paid for additional costs of having him and his children here eg higher electricity bills, grocery bills etc.
So that is the current update. Apologies for the length. I do feel a bit calmer and able to think more clearly than yesterday when I was knocked for six by his comments. It’s still very raw and hurtful though, and I really want to finish things, and be able to know this is it, as bad as it gets, and then try and have time and space to get over it.