AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

Shocking entitlement.

Sometimes in life you can’t afford to continue with hobbies etc. That's life. Those spoilt brats (parents) have been taking advantage of your good and generous nature. They need to own their own shit.

I feel so relieved for you that they’re finally gone. You couldn’t write it could you? Such bad manners.

Don’t be guilt tripped by their bullshit. Please.

Why is this obvious? She wrote:

I’ll step away from the thread now, as I am abit upset, but I will return and update tomorrow once exDP has been over and things are (hopefully) more resolved/over.

It's not like that much time has passed since her last post.

Well, he was on a good deal wasn't he? Send him packing along with his entitlement. Well done for keeping your finances protected

If your ex was a decent man, he would have saved money and surprised you with a lovely holiday or a trip to the theatre or something really nice to show how much he appreciated you. Instead, he and his ex wife have made long term decisions based on the fact that he is rent free… and those decisions were of no benefit to you! If he was paying rent for his own place, I’m sure the children wouldn’t have the school trip or the golf lessons. So they will just have to get used to it. He’s been very foolish and now he’s sulking.

His children behaved very badly towards you, and although you say he tried to stop it, it didn’t work. At that stage he should have made it very clear there would be no more golf or school trips as they clearly didn’t deserve them. But he didn’t. He continued to let you be treated badly while subsidising all their lives. You are well out of it….

You sound such a lovely person…one day the children will realise just what they had and what they lost through their own behaviour. Actions have consequences.

Please don’t give them any more money… first it may give the impression they are entitled to it, and second, it rewards their terrible behaviour. You are giving them the bedroom furniture! That is quite enough. Change the locks have a cleaner in to blitz their rooms and maybe decorate…. And remember it was ex’s bad parenting that caused this, no blame on you at all.

Oh god do piss off. She said yesterday she was stepping away and would be back after her collecting his stuff today. I don’t know what your problem is or what the OP owes you tbh!

I'd be surprised if the OP comes back. Her thread is drama filled with the "Ex say this" and "his ex said that and is upset." and "they are both furious with me".

The OP is single and doesn't have children with her ex partner. She's also been careful by financially paying more than her share. She MUST know that her ex children are the responsibility of their parents. Why feed on drama?

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the children's expensive hobbies and schooling aren't new developments despite your relatively short relationship, which means your exDP had his eye on the prize from day one. He could see you were affluent with your own property and he wormed his way in because he knew he could milk your wealth for his children's benefit. He loved you, but he loved your money more.

As other PP have said, it is extremely telling that his reaction has not been devastation that the woman he loves has ended the relationship, but fury that his cash supply has been cut off. I'm so pleased you won't be there today to see him parade his upset children to try to manipulate you into changing your mind. It's callous beyond words, both for you and them.

We must be reading a different thread. I don't think it's drama filled at all. There's no hyperbole. OP comes across as completely shellshocked and she's laid it all out plainly to try to make sense of what's happened. If you don't believe it's real, just report it, because troll hunting is against the rules.

I wasn't troll hunting. I just don't get why the OP need to ask a bunch of strangers if it's unreasonable to break up with her partner without expecting any obligation to his children when they have 2 parents.

The best answers to her OP post was in the first page (which I whole agree with)

Er, it this your first time on MN?! Do you not know how it works Here's a brief idiot's guide: someone posts a dilemma, others answers and then a conversation/debate/argument ensues, sometimes lasting across the entire 40 pages MN provides!

In other words, so what if OP wanted to keep posting? She was clearly extremely distressed by what her exDP and his ex are accusing of doing to their children and is trying to make sense of it.

Both parents have been inexplicably cheeky by living by your income instead of their own as they should always have done. Both have been irresponsible with their life choices and need to learn to live within their owns means and teach their children to do the same starting with the schooling, trips etc. They’ve put themselves into this mess and have no one else to blame but theirselves. Please don’t give them anymore money because it will never end. They’re actively financially abusing you by trying to manipulate more money from you that they’re not entitled to and making you feel like you’re responsible for their poor parenting.

The ex is clearly manipulative, entitled, and guilt-tripping her. It can make you doubt your own perceptions of what is right and wrong, and what is your responsibility. Hence this thread.

Christ what is it with grabby cheeky fuckers lately it seems like they're everywhere on MN all of a sudden.

@3LemonsAndLime You did the right thing ending the relationship it sounds like as time went on your ex thought of your money as his and he had the opportunity in the two years you lived together to save some money because he didn't need to worry about rent and other bills but he obviously didn't thats his problem and ex wife's not yours. You aren't a bloody cash machine for their kids if they want their children to have the best of everything they need to provide it not you.

I don't mean to be harsh OP but the fact you are feeling raw about your break up and your ex is livid over the financial side of things says it all really about his feelings for you if that is his sole focus and telling you he and the kids will be coming round to talk things out with you is a blatant attempt to manipulate and bully you into staying in this relationship so they can continue to benefit and the kids are unpleasant to you despite all the generousity you have shown them. It might not feel like it now OP but you have dodged a bullet a here.

Whatever you do don't give him any money for a rental especially after his behaviour towards you over him losing out financially due to your break up you will basicallly be rewarding his behaviour and where will it end? Next thing he'll want you to pay to furnish his new home, pay his bills and for his ungrateful children etc. You've been more than generous allowing his children to take all the stuff from their bedrooms that you paid for and it still isn't good enough. No wonder his children were so unpleasant to you when you see the attitude of their parents.

@Bookworm1111

I'm not a stranger to MN but still gets me the drama filled posts in AIBU when reality is much more simplistic. It takes time to break up a relationship unless sudden DV, infidelity or financial abuse are discovered. I understand 100% posters with kids in a difficult financial situation trying to navigate how to leave and turning to strangers because needing any support they can get.

I don't understand a poster, financially savvy enough to protect herself, asking AIBU if she's reasonable not having to financially subsidise her children's ex-partner. At best, she needs to shake her head and tell her EX his children's financial issues are up to him and his ex-wife. At worse, she needs to talk to a therapist about her low self-esteem.

I probably would have answered different if her OP was made in Relationships and not in AIBU.

I think (having slept on this), I might be tempted to give him a one off payment of say £500 or maybe even £1,000 if I was feeling generous, but make it clear that this is my full and final offer, and just say that it's towards a deposit on a rental. I'd also state maybe that this is being generous, me helping him out as an ex DP.

I'd reiterate politely that any financial outgoings his children incur or which I've helped pay for are now his responsibility or him and his ex-DW's responsibility. I might also add something to the effect about bankrolling him/his DC since we were together and that I'd have expected him to have saved any money I didn't receive in rent and not spend it willy nilly. I'd only say the last sentence if I had to.

I'd be very firm that this would be it over for me and that, though, in time, I may meet up with his DC (not with him) for coffee/bookstore outing etc if they wished to do so, I would not be bankrolling anything further to do with the DC going forwards.

OP - just wanted to say as I read some of your posts, so sorry to hear you've gone through this, your head must be in a complete mess right now. You are lucky your DSis and BIL are helping out at your house today so you don't have to see your ex. I wouldn't feel any guilt either but take it easy over the next few days/weeks. In one way, you're lucky you got out now and didn't in fact, get married if this had been something on the cards for the future. Stay strong.

You are still doubting yourself in this comment.

He or his ex wife can get an extra shift somewhere to pay for their kids.
Fgs this is madness .

He can move back in with his ex wife if he is so concerned about keeping up the standard of living.
You really can’t see that he doesn’t care for you just the life you were providing him , his wife and kids . ??

As others have said block and move on
you don’t need the manipulation from then both.

But actually, I don't necessarily think this poster does have low self esteem. I think he's crawled into her life by stealth and she's been so bowled over by him and she's been so desperate to please, that she's happily contributed to things for him/his DC which most of us would think twice about.

This is why I don't generally date men with DC, or I am very careful if I do do it. There's no way I'm going to be treated as an ATM/cashpoint by anyone. What I have in my life I've worked hard for or got partly by luck/chance too. I'm a very generous woman (too generous in some ways) and have been taken advantage of before, by friends, for my generous nature (I learned that the hard way).

I now am not as generous with friends or I give rather than lend money. That's one thing my nana (DM's DM) told me once, 'never lend money to friends, it should be a gift, if anything'. She'd been burned too, like me, lending money, so only gave it as a gift from then on, never a loan. She did however, lend my DM money sometimes, rather than DM using the bank for loans/overdraft, but DM always paid this back same month/week, come what may and DM was technically a single mother and my nana was her DM. Life could be hard financially for my DM as a single mother.

This!

Well, for one thing this is financial abuse. He's been abusing OP's wealth to spoil his DC and then turned on her when she had enough of the toxic way the children behave towards her. Yet even though it's obvious to outsiders that she hasn't been remotely U, she sought reassurance because she's so upset at the accusations he and their mother are now levelling at her. That's why she posted in AIBU, because she's in the thick of the break-up and can't see the wood for the trees. It's also telling her replies have been mostly to the few posters who think she is U – because she's really worried she is being.

If you find threads like this so annoying and don't approve of an OP's need to comment more than once, maybe don't bother reading them?

@3LemonsAndLime There are a few things I find really telling about your posts.

The first is that he's only been living with you for just over a year. Before that time, he was renting his own place and his children stayed there when he had them at weekends. How is it that in such a short space of time he and his ex wife have made such a lot of lifestyle changes that they can no longer afford their current standard of living if he has to rent again? Have they put both the children in private school in the last year?

The second is your sister's comments about his apparently increasing ambitions for the lifestyle he could offer his kids. Again, such a big change in such a short space of time. It suggests that even before he moved in with you he was already thinking in terms of, "If I play my cards right..."

The third is, as another poster said, he seems more upset about losing the financial contribution you make to his lifestyle than he is about losing you. That's really awful.

I'm sorry he's been using you.

If he wants to fund his kids hobbies and lifestyle then he’d better get a second job. Lewis Hamilton dad did it……

Reminds me of my ex husband Mr Cocklodger. Came back after the financial order was done and divorce finalised to say he didn't get enough in the divorce and wanted snother £10,000. Yeah.....fuck off.

So after the way the ex and his kids has treated the OP she should handle that by giving him money for a rental and take his kids out?!?! So basically reward horrible entitled and grabby behaviour! Utter madness 🙄

You seem like a sensible intelligent woman. You know this isn't your responsibility and actually you're well out of it.
The kids will also learn a valuable lesson... They were essentially treating the person bankrolling them badly and will realise you can't do that (not that it was ever your responsibility to do so)

I’ve just read the whole thread and I’m flabbergasted he has thrown this at you.
So very unfair and very hurtful. I think perhaps the way he has reacted to this confirms your sister’s suspicions, he has shown himself to you. You’re better off without him.
I hope today goes smoothly op, you’ll soon have your home back. x