AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

You sound like a wonderful kind, generous and thoughtful person. I am sure your ex did like you but then became to feel entitled to a higher standard of living. You weren't married though and you had made it plain you were keeping your house ownership to yourself so for him to make plans based on you supporting him and his children indefinitely was presumptuous. Most of all you don't deserve to be dreading going to your own house because his children are awful and hurtful.

I had a very challenging child. It was hellish for both my husband and I. If it wasn't my own child I would have left. I am sure my husband felt the same. Eventually we battled through and things came right but it took years. I cried nearly every other day - still remember silently crying in the ladies at work and I couldn't work out whether I was shaking or we were having another earthquake and I didn't much care which it was. We are both still somewhat traumatised though and we wasted years of our lives living like this. I blame my husband's health issues on the awful stress. We wouldn't have expected anybody else to put up with it.

Some posters are just mean when you are sad and unjustifiably feeling guilty. Don't let the children be used to try and sway you. They have learnt a valuable lesson thar actions have consequences. You deserve much better and I hope you get it.

I have read the thread and I agree with the majority here. One of my colleague was married to a woman (for a decade) who had children; although I obviously don’t know all the details, when they got divorced, I remember him talking about the settlement between them taking the children into account. (I suspect that was more than he needed to do legally as he wasn’t their father.) But the difference is that this was a much longer marriage (where they had intertwined finances) and those children lived in their (joint) house as their primary home, seeing their dad only EOW. Your situation is completely different. Without wishing to denigrate your relationship in any way, you were a relatively new girlfriend of the father of these children (with whom, as you rightly said, he was getting a very good deal indeed…..). You didn’t jointly own a house; his kids came to stay in your house. And, by the sound of it, they have benefited from your generosity over the course of the relationship. But that’s done now. And you have - never had - any responsibility towards those children. At all.

There are so many threads on here from women who’ve moved in with men and had their children, but the man won’t put them on the mortgage and when he ends the relationship, the woman is high and dry. And that’s rightly criticised - but because those are his children - and he’s chosen to make the mother of his children financially vulnerable. Your situation is worlds apart from this; please don’t get drawn into thinking it is the same. These are not your children. You are not their mother. They have one - and they are her and your ex’s responsibility. It’s outrageous that he’s suggesting anything else. And he hasn’t been hoodwinked: you haven’t married him. You’ve been very clear that it’s your house. Try to end things as pleasantly as possible in a way that does not involve parting with a penny.

@lateatwork
One other way to interpret this is .. if you aren't nice to me kids, I'll leave your dad and then you really will suffer. I'm sure you don't mean it that way though.

I actually think that's a really good message, a very important lesson for them to learn. There was someone in their lives that loved them and treated them very well, they chose to treat her badly, so she left, and now that will negatively affect their lives. You can't treat people like shit and expect them to stick around and keep treating you well. Treat people badly and they will leave. Hopefully they'll remember that in life.

It’s very telling that his message to you post break up isn’t “I love you, please let’s work through this, maybe I can set up my own home with the kids but we can still continue dating, but a blended family clearly isn’t working for us.” His message is he is sulking that his financial easy ride has ended. He is complaining about finances. That tells you everything you need to know. Return his things and block them all.

Also if he is currently staying with his parents, not paying half the bills on your home anymore, surely in the short term he will have a bit more disposable income, rather than less? He can stay there for a few months until the school trip is paid for and whatever expenses the kids need. He can pay for a travelodge every other weekend to have his kids. Or he can sleep on his ex’s sofa until he’s sorted out a new living arrangement.

If he’s got a decent paying full-time job then he should be able to rent himself a two bed flat quite easily/quickly. Surely in the time he was living with you rent free he was putting that money to one side in savings?! If not then he is a complete idiot, in such a new relationship, not married.

Anyway all of the above is not your problem anymore. Don’t feel guilted into giving him or the kids a penny more of your money. Walk away with your head held high.

It’s very telling that his message to you post break up isn’t “I love you, please let’s work through this, maybe I can set up my own home with the kids but we can still continue dating, but a blended family clearly isn’t working for us.” His message is he is sulking that his financial easy ride has ended. He is complaining about finances. That tells you everything you need to know. Return his things and block them all.

This, from @Causewerethespecialtwo is an excellent point. He should be devastated about losing you, not your money.

OP. I’ve read all of your posts and I think you’ve been kind and generous to those kids.
But their parents are solely financially responsible for them: the choice of school, hobbies, school trips, gifts, clothing etc should have been planned around their income.
The phrase “cutting the pattern to fit the cloth” comes to mind.
I think you’ve done the right thing ending it and I agree with your sister’s observations.
It’s also telling that he’s isn’t devastated about ending the relationship because he’s broken hearted at losing you, he’s more upset about losing your financial input.

I wouldn’t offer him any financial assistance, a clean break,

Not your problem.

You protected your financial position. He should have done the same.

Sounds like him and his ex wife are fuming that their meal ticket has expired.

Stupid to make decisions re schooling the parents clearly couldn't afford off their own back. I can see why they were tempted to do this but it wasn't prudent and you can't compensate for the overly optimistic decisions the parents made. I can see why it's easier for them to blame you than to admit they miscalculated. Not your problem though. Cut contact.

You are not his personal bank. It's nothing to do with you. Let them be furious. It's his fault for relying on you

Please don’t give him money to move- this just reinforces their perception that you are somehow responsible for their financial positions. You are not. You are allowed to leave this (very short) relationship any time you like. It is not a business contract.

Well it sucks for them that their plans have been thrown into disarray, but it's really not your problem.

Have his parents really got no floor space for a couple of airbeds and sleeping bags somewhere?

And unless his parents are charging him extortionate rent, he still has the same disposable income he had before for now. He has time to sort himself out.

All of their problems are fixable. By them. You are well shot.

They want to milk you don't they?
They have got entitled teens that are toxic and disrespectful to one of their parents partner and they got the check to want that person to subsidize their entitlement and their stuff.
Some people doesn't know where is the limit. Tell them a bold, blunt and in capital letters NO.

Completely agree. These people sound entitled leeches. And showed no respect or gratitude. Leave them to it.

@3LemonsAndLime you sound really kind and have been more than generous.

I’m sure he wasn’t only with you for the £, I hope you will soon have the space and peace to mourn the loss of the relationship.

He should have used this wonderful opportunity to make himself financially secure, rather than splurging on private school and hobbies.

He should have been saving. He could have saved a huge deposit by now. His financial position was always going to be precarious as he knew he didn’t have a stake in your house. He should have saved a safety net for himself. Surely that was more important than private school?

Presumably they’ve only just started private school. Better to leave now than in several years time with exams in the horizon etc. If they’ve been there years before, then you subsidising them didn’t come into the original decision anyway.

I cannot believe you have known the children two years yet both parents made long term financial decisions based on your income.

do not feel guilt here. He is a parent who moved in with a new women and artificially created an instant family for his benefit. He discussed none of these commitments with you.

He should have used this wonderful opportunity to make himself financially secure, rather than splurging on private school and hobbies.He should have been saving. He could have saved a huge deposit by now.
and absolutely this. Women on here in similar positions are told to build up their own finances / save from their own deposit when moving in with someone who doesnt want them contributing to the mortgage

He discussed none of these commitments with you.

This is spot on…..

You sound to have been kind and respectful OP. I am sorry this relationship didn't work out.

He doesn't sound to have been very concerned about your feelings (or not enough to take actions that would have protected you. ) That will be at the root of the breakdown. It does sound to be the best thing to split up.

Your generosity during the relationship should not be a stick for beating you with now!

The children have two solvent parents to look after them. (The ups and downs of family finances are theirs to manage. )

And this.

OP, you sound like just the sort of person I would love to have as a friend. I imagine your ex is absolutely kicking himself for his complacency, and it’s coming out with a focus on the financial side. But he knows what he’s lost and that he should have got a grip much earlier.

I don't think it's fair to say the kids are 'ungrateful grifters'. They are children - absolutely capable of behaving terribly, but they are full of hormones, their brains are still developing and they don't think about things in the same way you'd expect an adult to. They don't know or think about where money comes from. Like most kids they just assume that mum and dad pay for stuff and don't give it any deeper consideration!
Now obviously, the OP doesn't need to put up with disrespectful behaviour or stay in a relationship where she's not happy, but calling children grifters is pretty awful. I'm sure there was no deliberate intention from them in this regard - kids do just take things for granted.

I think the ex probably does care for the OP and probably didn't set out to be a cocklodger type, he just got too used to someone else's money and started taking it (and her)for granted. Agree with pp that he's weak and stupid not to have made provision for his dc, but not 'serial killer' level of evil.

Quite often in mn, it’s mentioned that it’s ’the parents responsibility’ to deal with the children - who’s looking after them, uniforms costs etc and the step parent shouldn’t be involved, apart from it impacts on the family life.

These parents have taken it a step too far by committing to a huge financial commitment, ie private school, without being able to pay for it independently of op’s money. It’s a seven year commitment. Yes, maybe ex thought the relationship was strong, and you can’t blame him for being upset in the change of circumstances, but that’s a big undertaking to make.

Do not do this. It sets up a situation where other things will be asked for and expected. He'll have to find somewhere else to lodge his cock.

Obviously the OP is not coming back, but some posts are thoroughly mystifying - too much drama and not an ounce of common sense.