AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

Typical little gits? It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. Sounds* *a bit more than typical to me.

Don’t pay. Crazy they both expect this of you. The relationship has ended. And even if the relationship with the children had not turned toxic you still shouldn’t be paying.

split up and live your life. X

What pps said.

I definitely would cut all ties and get a clean break and not negotiate.

Keep messages very basic and don't reply immediately, just stick to your plan and even have headphones on, a friend over, or pretend to be on the phone or even have your phone on "record". Avoid even physically meeting if you can.

Don't discuss emotions, just confirm basic info

Grey rock and avoid. They're trying to bully you (more).

Or it will be the children sending you emotional messages asking you to sub their next trip next year, as it's so important..Then university is so expensive...few sweet comments and it's thousands of pounds they're getting!

Put the money from your good job you work hard at towards your own future. Ditto with caring emotions.

Stop being guilt tripped by these pushy individuals. They're hardly on the breadline, they just want more than average.

If you lost your job in 10 years time and were destitute whilst his children are enjoying good jobs and lifestyles thanks to you subsidising their education, do you think they'd see you as "family" then? Or will they care for you when you are elderly and in ill health?

I get you feel sorry for the children, but they're basically being primed to turn up to perform extortion on you for your hard earned cash! In your own home! Don't let them play the victim.

I would cover the school trip as a one-off (if you like the child) but nothing else.

Of course YANBU. You sound very reasonable and level headed. Your exDP seems to have made himself financially dependent on you and now you have split up he will have to ensure that him / his children are adequately housed ect.

You mention the children possibly having to move school - does this mean that he and his ex made the decision to put their children in private school on the basis of your income?! If so that is insane! They will need to find a solution, this is not your problem.

I think it’s a good idea that you are not planning to be there when him / the children collect their things as I imagine he’ll try to talk you round.

Well the kids are probably just being typical little gits.

Then they shouldn't be paid off by the stepmother they behaved like typical little gits to.
By the way, why have all these trips been planned if they are typical little gits? Typical little gits in most houses don't get pandered to. Perhaps then they would stop being typical little gits. They especially don't get pandered to by the step parent who wanted to get in her car and drive far away from them. I expect common decency from my kids, am I unusual? I would be MORTIFIED if they behaved like this towards someone who enhanced their life like the OP did.

If the roles were reversed and OP was a man, nobody would be expecting her to make payments to “soften the blow” on the children.

If she was posting as the person who had been kicked out (for want of a better term) and was complaining that she now couldn’t afford the kids’ activities/lifestyle, people would be piling on her for not managing her own finances and relying too much on the ex-partner.

OP, you have to do what you feel is right. You have made your decision and are seeing it through, and you have no obligations beyond this. It is up to your ex and his ex to work out how to support the children, both financially and emotionally. He might be panicking right now, but that is because he doesn’t want to blame himself or his children, and so he’s taking it out on you. It is not your fault that he didn’t manage his finances sensibly, and it is his and his ex’s job to manage the children’s wellbeing and how they cope. And they will cope, don’t you worry about that.

I thought exactly this too. I know a man who does this every other weekend so he can have his kids overnight. It's cheaper in a PI at weekends. You should suggest this to him. Note he's not worried about losing you. Just your home and financial input. That says it all about this relationship. Maybe these tweens will regret being disrespectful of you now. Don't cave. Look for someone better who wants you and not just a meal ticket and provider for his DC. As for his ex wife she has a bloody nerve expecting you to put up her DC so she can go away for weekend. Why can't their dad look ok after DC at exwifes house?

@3LemonsAndLime

Please don't give him money. He'll think of it as a 'payoff' and all that will do is reinforce to him and his ex that you know you have done something 'wrong' and that you 'owe them'. You haven't and you don't. You have ended a relationship that was no longer working for you and it appears you have done it in a calm manner with no nasty comments about him or his DC.

As far as giving his DC a 'goodbye gift', again, don't. They really don't deserve one and as a poster mentioned upthread you giving them their furniture is a gift in itself. Many people would sell it or to give it to a friend's or relative's DC. And as with the parents, you don't need to reinforce to his DC that anything is your 'fault'.

They all have made their beds (parents & DC) and they can lie in them.

What you need to do is get whatever you're giving them out of your house as soon as you possibly can, and then cut communications with him. You're a good person and you don't need him (or anyone) making you feel that you are not.

OP,

You sound awesome. Please don’t let yourself be manipulated by anyone in that family.

Tell him he can collect but not to bring DC with him. They can stay with grandparents.

I would only do this if I had agreed to fund it in the first place, which is obviously not the case in this instance.

Why don't you drop the interrogation?!! Back off!

what has he done with all his money since moving in with you - he didn't pay your mortgage and he didn't pay rent

Especially as he has very good income. If he'd been scraping by on minimum wage and this had given him an opportunity to treat his kids - fine - but if he has just been profligate, then that's his fault.

I think your only mistake OP is not giving your ex notice that this was going to happen. It would have given him a chance to get his thoughts straight and (hopefully) realise that it would be unreasonable to expect you to continue to subsidise his family, but he also could have spoken to his children and prepared them for what was coming next. They won't see the house you lived in together as 'your' house. They will have seen it as the house their Dad shared with you and as their second home. They've had absolutely no notice that they've been evicted from it and that you will no longer be in your life, and that will come as a big shock. I can't think how you can repair that for them (unless you're willing to let your ex stay with the kids there this weekend while he explains and they pack up their things together while you are elsewhere, but I can totally see why you would not want to do that). Wishing you all the best with this.

He is just trying to guilt trip you. The DC's behaviour towards you should have been disciplined by him and his ex-wife. They both knew you deserved better. Yet they allowed their DC to continually disrespect you. They made financial decisions based on your salary without consulting you. That is a huge 🚩🚩.

So in the space of let’s say 11 years (if the children are tweens I assume around 11-12) this guy has managed to have 3 failed relationships, I really think he should not be relying on a partner for money as he’s obviously not very good at long term relationships 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like it was the way his children treated you that made you make your ultimate decision. So maybe your exdp should be looking at what he should have done to stop it resulting like this. And maybe even teach his children how to be respectful. I guess his kids are going to have to stop some of their clubs etc... oh well! Guess they will learn not the bite the hand that feeds them!

Not your problem op. You can say that straight back to your ex.

Kind of telling that his main concern is having more expenses, than the thought of losing you... Says it all.

Don't back down and don't offer him money!

Your take is offensive. Stop making assumptions. We aren't entitled to op's life story.

My guess would be relationships 2 and 3 were tactical and number 4 will be in flight shortly

she thinks he did like me, but over time was forming the view that my income/lifestyle definitely ‘helped’.

I know she meant well by this, but I’ll be honest, it makes me feel absolutely terrible.

OP you sound absolutely lovely and generous and obviously bent over backwards to be accommodating to him and his children. Over time he probably just got comfortable with your lifestyle (like the frog in the slowly boiling water) and stupidly got too comfortable and didn't make any provision for his own children (who you have obviously unknowingly been majorly funding). That's on him, you did your part and were generous. He's now being unreasonably snotty and trying to make it your problem. You have gone above and beyond and don't need to do more. Passing over the bedroom furniture is very nice of you.

Good luck tomorrow

Your sister clearly has the measure of him and she is seeing things without the rose-tinted glasses that loving someone gives us all. I would listen carefully to what she says and thinks.

Still think the OP has been harsh here- having someone with kids move in is a huge commitment - for both parties. These type of financial discussions need to be held before moving in. The OP isn't blameless here. The OP and ex have not worked as a team and set ground rules. And yes- a crazy short relationship before making that sort of commitment. Decorating a kids bedroom and cooking with them doesn't guarantee a happy functioning relationship with 'aunt' and child.

I don't disagree with her decision. It's not working for her. So she should break it off. And she doesn't need to continue to pay- and shouldn't be guilted into it, but needs to understand that he has been given no warning or runway so will be shocked.