AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

If anything, these absolutely confirms that you were right to end things. The childrens increasing levels of disrespect clearly were mirroring feelings of contempt....probably picked up from overhearing discussions at mums that led to them leaping to the conclusion that youre some kind of high earning mug whos there to be ripped off and used, and despised at the same time. Complete affirmation of your decision. Their father earns well - im assuming that these issues had been escalating for a while, and he had ample time to correct his children and enforce better boundaries and he didnt - so boohoo, they lose out on all the extras and maybe its a lesson in consequences.... and that if you treat people badly, you cant expect them to roll over and take it forever more.

He should have been living within his means, to ensure he could maintain whatever lifestyle he was providing his kids.

You did. You ensured you had your safety net, which was very sensible indeed.

He on the other hand did not, he chose to live within YOUR means and had no safety net.

This is entirely on him. He is a fool, and any suffering his kids experience now is a direct result of his foolishness.

Seems your sister might have had her suspicions but at the very least she is very smart as I'm not sure many people would have thought to have those type of conversations and noted the replies then notes neither parent has had a pay upgrade.

Oh he's a so underhand, bringing the kids and 'all sitting down to have a chat'. All designed to emotionally blackmail you into taking them back and continuing the gravy train. You have no responsibility to them financially, like others gave said if their parents are allowed to split up despite the financial issues it'll cost them you sure can split with their dad. Maybe their parents should have done more to fix the kids attitudes if they were so dependant on you. You really sound lovely op and you deserve better

The obvious solution to this is that he should move back in with the children’s mother.

Sometimes the more you do for people the more entitled they behave. It isn't acceptable and you should not feel any way responsible.

I suspect that this will be the point at which the ex goes from angry to incandescent. He thought he would be able to rock up with two clean and tidy, apologetic kids and you would roll over and let him back in. He hasn't anticipated that your sister saw through him, and that you would stand up for yourself and not be there tomorrow. Be prepared for him to get vicious now.

I'm surprised you even need to ask - of course you are obligated to cover the cost of his children's school trips or other activities.

Have you mis-typed? 😶

Spot on @Lobelia123 !
OP this is most likely it.

Bag all his stuff up nicely and tell him a time when he can collect it . Have it all ready in the hall so there is no need for him to come in. Remember to either ask for your keys back, or , probably simpler, get new locks fitted so you know exactly who has keys to your property.

It really beggars belief that he is not only accusing you of disrupting his childrens lives but has also it appears quite deliberately been leeching off your good will and financial acumen for some time since he entered into social and financial arrangements knowing that the only reason he could do so was because you were supporting him.

Yes, exDP said ex wife was very angry and thought I had more integrity than this. At the time, I didn’t think this was true, as initially on the phone call he was acting like he thought the breakup was just me wanting space, and now after a few days at his parents, we would talk again, he would collect the children as usual for the weekend and he would come home. And if he thought that, then why would he have told his ex wife about the break up and immediately moved to the financial Implications for them both? And if he did tell her about the break up, then surely they discussed the issue of where he would physically host the children this weekend as it couldn’t be here?

I don’t know what this means but I am trying to not think too much about it. As people say, it isn’t my issue to solve anymore, and if I start proving or offering suggestions I think it might look like I have some responsibility to find a solution, when I don’t believe I have.

I haven’t ruled out making some payment to him to help get him in a rental property and some
furniture - I know people will say I am mad for considering it! But I do think I am a fair and decent person, and at the moment I am thinking this would be the decent thing to do. I know exDP’s expectations of ‘decent’ seem to vaguely allude to significantly financially higher contributions, but I don’t agree with that. I’m just going to wait and see what happens tomorrow before I make any decisions. I’m a bit too
emotional now and calm thinking is needed, I think.

To those saying it - yes, my sister is brilliant. She is a calm, quiet, steady rock, and I am very grateful that her and BIL are able to drop everything and come tomorrow. They got together at uni and I have known BIL for along time and think of him as a brother, so I am glad they will be here.

I don’t think there is anything else to say now, but I am grateful for the support and different perspectives from everyone. It’s helped me see exDPs thinking (both good and bad) and made me feel better that I haven’t been a vindictive, awful person. I’ll update tomorrow when after this is hopefully over.

Well done OP. I think you are taking the right course if action by not being there when he comes. Telling him to come alone is right too. Glad your bil is going to be with your sister.
You owe your ex boyfriend nothing. He has used and abused you financially. I also think the reason he got on with you so well was because he knew you were the cash cow that was funding his, his ex wife and his children's life style, so paid lip service telling his kids to be nice to you but not enough to rock the boat.

He was not expecting you to wake up and take off your rose tinted glasses. DO NOT PUT THEM BACK ON!

You need to focus on yourself and once all their stuff is gone. Block him.

You are not their personal bank to dip in and withdraw money when they feel like it. They are not your responsibility.

They can camp out at grandparents or stay at any other relatives They have at the weekend.

Just be glad you have woken up to see their ugly truth now rather than years down the line.

You have made the right decision and it will hurt right now as your life for past three years has changed.

Please look after yourself and don't let your ex guilt trip you into parting with any more money or getting back together with you.

Stay strong.

It might not feel like it now, OP, but it sounds as if you've nipped in the bud what might have developed into very nasty situation further down the road.

It was very wise not accept rent or any other monies from him which might have given him "rights". The saga is too long to relate here, but one of my friends lost her lovely detached home because of a long term partner (not husband) by accepting what amounted to rent and help with some unnecessary "improvements" to the property made at his instigation.

You do sound very level-headed and, as you've described it, have approached the whole situation with clear sight and sensitivity - and that's not easy when your emotions are in hot competition with common sense.

He is saying the cost of a school trip is now not able to be paid and the child knows they are going, so this will be a big emotional blow to them. Stopping the sport will also be upsetting as the other child has been doing it for awhile, has friends there and is good at it, and they will be very upset about this.

It will teach them that actions have consequences.

Tell your ex to suck it up. I'm sure that if necessary heckled get a loan for the school trip. The sport may be more problematic as it is an ongoing thing, but that is for your ex and his ex to find ways to fund between the.

You say his income is well above average - perhaps he (and she) could cut back on their own personal indulgences to fund this. School isn't your problem.

he can’t have the children overnight for the weekend now as there isn’t room at his parents, this will now put his ex wife in a difficult position as she was going away

Let him stop at hers while she's away. Then he can look after his kids himself.

It was COMPLETELY unreasonable of the parents to make financial commitments for their dc on the basis of finances based on the OP subsidising everything. COMPLETELY and UTTERLY unreasonable.

To make choices like private education off the back of a new partner financing things is wholly ridiculous and entitled and frankly stupid.

There is always a risk of relationships breaking down. If the parents couldn't reasonable afford these things without the OPs contribution then they couldn't afford them full stop.

Pack up his stuff.

Meet him at the car and hand it to him.

Don't engage.

The emotional blackmail will start, the kids will be sobbing and apologetic while inwardly hating your guts, there will be huge pressure to reverse your decision and all will end horribly.

It’s interesting hearing your sister’s observations. It very much sounds as though her concerns were valid.

But you were unaware of his inflated financial desires and weren’t any part of the discussion or decision making.

It really does seem that both parents rushed into making expensive financial choices without engaging enough thought as to their contributions and funding between themselves.

I can also understand how heartbroken you are about the demise of the relationship itself, aside from the financial aspect that you are being guilt tripped over.

But one thing for sure is that you have given consideration and a lot of thought to the relationship, his children, their behaviour and what is viable for you currently and going forward. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound as though your ex engaged a sensible thought process himself both for current circumstances and future planning. His lack of financial acumen and living beyond his own personal financial means really shouldn’t be laid at your door.

You sound a highly intelligent woman who also has empathy for others, but realistically it’s highly unfair to try and emotionally blackmail/blame you for financial decisions you didn’t make in relation to children that are not yours.

Im glad you have the support of your sister who sounds eminently sensible as well.

I haven’t ruled out making some payment to him to help get him in a rental property.

He is a piece of dirt if he asks for, or accepts, any money from you after living rent free for two years. But I suspect you already know now what he is.

I haven’t ruled out making some payment to him to help get him in a rental property and somefurniture - I know people will say I am mad for considering it! But I do think I am a fair and decent person, and at the moment I am thinking this would be the decent thing to do

He has had 2 years of being subsidised by you. He should have saved something. Me and my OH do not earn a great deal, have 2 children but we SAVE. We cut our cloth. The reason he hasn't done this is because in just 2 very short years, he believes your money is his money. I still don't think that of my OH and vice versa, and we have been together for 20 years.
Giving him a lump sun would not be appreciated, it will not be enough and allows him to think that you owe him and his children. You do not. He wouldn't think you were a kind and decent person, he would think you were a mug and if he spots a chink in your armour it's game over. No discussions, no debating with him. Once he has collected his things, its done. If you are kind enough to let him take the children's furniture, because let's be honest you paid for it, then that is more than enough.
Come on now OP, you sound awesome. You do not hand over money to people who do not value you.

The fact they have realised they have ‘lost’ these things and are making a fuss means they know they cannot expect you to continue financing them.

Ask him (and yourself) were you his girlfriend or his childrens’ bank account?

Be strong, stand your ground and walk away.

Well done for keeping yourself financially separate and getting rid of this feckless man…

Your sister sounds awesome OP as do you. It’s so clear that you care deeply about the kids and are gutted about the situation. However you cannot live a life where you don’t feel comfortable or welcome in your own home. You clearly made a huge effort and it was thrown back in your face by the kids. Your ex had a really good thing - a financially sorted partner who didn’t have kids so no need to worry about tricky blending issues or him getting on with or making an effort with someone else’s kids. And who was kind and generous to him and his kids and gave them their own bedrooms and took an interest in their activities. What the hell more could he want? But no, clearly too difficult for him to show a modicum of respect and insist that his children respect you too. Now the money tap has been turned off and he’s butt-hurt. Wonder what his next relationship will be like. I doubt he’d find something like this a second time and maybe his kids will feel a pang of regret if they end up with a mean or indifferent stepmum and annoying stepsiblings that they have to share a room with because they’re living in a cramped house.

OP you have given so much. A sensible person would have saved the money from cheap rent and having holidays etc paid for. But no not him. He went large and upped all his expectations and commitments for his dc. Had he been a decent man he would not be in financial strife now. He would be in the best financial position of his life.
This is a big lesson to him and his dc not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Also not to be grabby and entitled. I doubt he has the maturity to ever realise this though so any more money will not be gratefully received. It will be in his mind, validation that you acted badly.