AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

So your DP moved in with you after about a year and in the two years since has dramatically changed his spending on his children and this is your fault?

Nope. You sound lovely and giving. They sound like knobs. The tweens sound like standard tweens.

Well done on getting out of this. Please don't go back and don't fund him any more.

So glad your sister has got your back.

I wonder if everyone would feel the same if the sexes of the parents were reversed.

IE single parent moves in with new partner after relative short time dating. Man earns X3 what woman does. Pays for large portion of outgoings. No rent. Which enables woman to do fun things with kids and commit to hobbies etc Man thinks it's great as can be part of family unit- not as parent- but as 'uncle'

Kids hit teen years. Kick off against Man in house. Man doesn't feel a part of family unit anymore. Woman focussed on kids. Man gets fed up and kicks them out with no notice.

Man wants to know- can they really expect me to keep paying? (As if that's all that is going on here...)

Forum posters lay into woman claiming she is a fannylodger and a grifter and hell why hasn't she saved just in case she got kicked out with no notice?

Kids should be told- you were awful to the man so I'm now homeless. And are called 'entitled little shits' because Man pays for hobbies and enables actual parents to send them to school so should be grateful and kotow.

Meh.

I still don't think OP should pay- or stay in the relationship. But I think people are over reacting on here.

Relationships break up. When second families are involved it's shit.

You just finished the relationship so he wants to rant.

The only thing I would say is it wasn’t in his interest to have you the sole owner of the house even if he would otherwise have had to contribute to the mortgage. He may have lived rent free but he didn’t benefit from any increase in property prices during the time you lived their either. He should have considered that at the time though.

You’ve only been together 3 years. It’s not even a long term relationship. You are barely out of the so called honeymoon period. I’m not minimising your feelings because I’m sure you are upset, I just mean that he’s got comfy spending your money awfully quickly and that makes me form an opinion about him.

Gently, you don’t owe them anything, certainly not financial support of any kind.

I am incredulous that they’ve made major financial decisions based on him remaining in such a short term relationship.

Pack everything up in boxes and leave it outside/in the garage if possible so they can just pack up and go. If someone else can be there to hand over then great. Even better would be to pack up and drop everything at his parents. Don't let them in to rummage through the house, don't get into guilt tripping discussions. He only wants in so he can attempt to manipulate you. Why wouldn't he try to get back in? He's had it great. He doesn't care if his kids treat you like shit as long as you continue to fund his and their lifestyle.
Well done for getting rid. So many don't. I hope it all goes well and you can celebrate them being gone for good. Block all the numbers, email addresses and social media and enjoy your better life.

A great idea not to be there when he comes round to pick stuff up. I think it’s highly likely that the kids have been told to apologise to you because you are the key to school trips etc.

I think that he’s showing you his true colours and his being encouraged by the ex wife to ask for forgiveness so you can continue being a cash machine. His focus on the financial implications of the split is the true him imo and bringing the kids “for a chat” is an attempt to emotionally guilt trip you.

You don’t owe him any more money. If you’re feeling generous offer the items in the kids room eg duvet covers but him and the ex wife have clearly been taking financial advantage of you and it’s good that you’ve woken up to this.

I don't understand why so many people are jumping on you here OP.
Your ex is gas lighting you. You are not responsible for his children, his finances (anymore) or how he handles the break up.
The kindest thing you can do, for everyone, walk away from it all and don't let it drag on.

none of this your issue. DP should've had savings considering he is costs were very low and seen this relationship breakdown coming due to the challenging behaviour.

put your blinders on and ignore his whining.

OP you are obviously a clever woman, but honestly why are you even giving this a second thought. I can’t believe the cheeky ex wife, they should not have been relying on you when arranging all the things for their kids, based on your salary!! He is obviously trying to guilt trip you, bringing the kids round. You have tried before and he hasn’t got the kids to improve their behaviour towards you, but now he’s been chucked out, he will come crawling saying things will change (they won’t!). Stay strong OP.

Don't let him back in the house at all. This is just dragging things out. Something will be forgotten or lost there and there'll have to be another visit. Forget leaving your sister to deal with it, it isn't her responsibility, men can become violent when a relationship breaks up, you could be putting her in danger if he gets angry that you're not there and his plan to guilt you comes to nothing.

Drop the people pleasing altogether. Do what so many people have advised you, pack up all their stuff yourself, have it delivered to his parents house, change your locks, cut off contact completely and move on with your life. Sell or donate the children's furniture, there's no point having any kind of ties or any more picking up or storing stuff. You need to make a completely clean break now.

Me too, I’m so annoyed myself, just reading how cheeky and presumptuous they are!!

He and ex wife are being ridiculous. They, stupidly, made big financial decisions on the basis of circumstances that they PRESUMED would stay the same, without any guarantee (or discussion with the key party, i.e. you!)

If he wasn't living with you but had his own place and had assumed his mortgage or rent would stay the same, but the bank or landlord increased his mortgage rates/put his rent up significantly, would he shout at them for him not being able to afford his kids school trip? Of course not!

If he had been made redundant, or had expected a promotion or bonus he didn't get, would he have the right to shout at his boss for the fact he can't afford his kids school trip? Of course not!

If he had become ill and needed to pay for a private treatment, would he shout at his consultant about now not being able to afford his kids school trip? Of course not!

If he'd banked on his parents leaving him inheritance but they had to go into a nursing home so there was nothing left would he shout at their grave/the nursing home.staff about his kids school trip? No!

In all these examples it's fair enough might be annoyed he now has less disposable income but that doesn't make HIS children the responsibility of his landlord/parents/consultant/boss and they would laugh in his face if he suggested it was. Its exactly the same, his children are not your moral or legal responsibility. Even if he had discussed it with you beforehand you wouldn't be beholden to anything- as you'd no idea he was basing his financial decisions on your circumstances you've got no responsibility at all.

Even if you hadn't broken up you could have become ill/lost your job/decided to quit/had a sudden big expense that you neesded to pay for/died and his money tree would have been gone - he was completely stupid to just assume his circumstances wouldn't change at all.

He wants to bring the children as they have some stuff in the rooms they have here in my house and they need to collect it. He says we could all sit down and talk when they do

No, No & No.

Anyone who would do this to their own kids is worth getting shot of. Awful.

He is more than capable of removing their belongings.

What is there to talk about out? With his kids in tow? Nothing. Just awful.

He can ask his parents for money.
The Bank of Lemon is now closed (assuming they are the Limes).

You were generous when you didn’t need to be. Now you have moved on. When u get calls/messages, don’t reply for 24 hours. Don’t commit or promise anything, if you do, they will keep coming back for more.

I can't believe what I have read.

Your ExDP and his wife should turn their fury on their own kids(!) who should have behaved! They are tweens and therefore old enough to know better.

What did the CFs think? That they could treat you badly and you will stick around for it to be treated like door mat and contribute to funding them? (after the effort you have made to get on with the kids?)

You are well rid of them and deserve a happy, free enjoyable life to spend your salary on YOU as you wish. Wishing you all the best and happy blessed time to come OP x

100% this.

I'm sorry your relationship has ended, but if you did have any regrets about whether ending it was the right thing to do (I'm not saying you did mind), then I imagine their reaction (which is ridiculous) just reinforces the fact you're much better off out. Of course you don't need to contribute (in any way shape or form) to your exDP's lifestyle or children.

Honestly, it's absurd that the parents of these kids decided they would commit to such an extravagant lifestyle, based on the income and kindness of a relatively short-term partner. Three years and no marriage deems you as such. You've obviously been more than generous and more than taken for granted. Whatever sort of life lesson would the kids take from all of this.

I would also like to add as a parent and now grandparent, the kind of behaviour from the kids that you have described is unacceptable from one's own kids or "step" children (although I do not consider them to be step children, just your partner's children). Nor is it compulsory for a "tween" to behave that way.

I would strongly advise that you make it clear that "the talk" will not be happening. You are correct in assuming he's primed the kids to apologise and thinks you'll be sucked back in, or explaining why you should now feel morally obliged to support the lifestyle to which he and his kids have become accustomed - at your expense. Your idea of being out and asking your sister to give them access is entirely sensible.

I hope the weekend goes well and you are able to resume a calm state of mind in the privacy of your home.

Tbh if tweens were so dependent on your income, parents should have tought them better and tell them to respect the person financing their lifestyle.
Don't be a doormat.
Children have to learn that actions have consequences. And they are old enough to understand.
You are not cutting off lifesaving medicationd from a newborn but nice to have luxuries from spoiled brats and their CF parnts.

I am quite heart broken at the end of a 3 year relationship, where I thought I had found a future life partner.

I'm curious why you ended the relationship rather than living seperately?

My first thought was that ex-dps reaction was just a kick-start reaction after the news. However, reading the updates, you haven’t actually been in the children’s lives that long if you’ve been dating for three years and he’s only moved in recently.

I get that you subsidised him and felt that this was fine, as you were a partnership and were being a team.

I also get that ex is worried about things are going to be going forward. Would dc have gone on this trip and done clubs prior to your relationship.

I think you’re wrong @lateatwork. I think a woman who posted that she’d moved her kids in with a partner in a relatively short time and had just assumed without discussion that she could rely on his income for things like school trips, having a good salary herself, not having made any separate provision for the kids.. I think she’d be taken apart on AIBU

OP, I've only read your posts so I just want to say I completely sympathise with a difficult situation. Of course your ex and his exW are upset - as anyone would be at a sudden financial change. It IS upsetting and I do not blame them.

However, that doesn't mean you have to take that on. I feel sad for the DC as well as they've been let down on some level by their parents who have not been willing or able to understand how behaviour and attitudes have impacted other people.

There are no winners here I'm afraid. So you just have to do what you can for yourself and go from there.

and leave a list of any items they want me get movers to send to them, with an address and a date nominated by XX date.

Don't do this. Just don't.

Spend the money on some help to understand why you allow yourself to be treated quite so badly. Please start treating yourself the way you would like to be treated.

Treating yourself well is the foundation of self esteem.

If there was any moral obligation in this situation it was on him to save rather than live beyond his means. The idea that he doesn't see this is one of the strongest reasons to sever your ties with him. And the sooner and the more final the better.

Apologies if I sound harsh, I've found reading your posts about these terrible people really uncomfortable. I'm sooo glad to read you have some support from a sister and BiL who sounds like a decent person.

I have read all the updates and I don’t see how in any way you have been harsh or done anything wrong.

3 years, 2 of which with the kids in your life and presumably less when living with you, isn’t that long. Basing their financial decisions around that was foolish and idiotic.

I am so sorry OP, I think you’ve done the right thing 100%. But I do think you’ve been used. You’ve been far too generous and I think they all took you for granted as a cash cow.

lets say you lost your job tomorrow, not impossible, would they all blame you too then?

That’s not what’s happened though. Her ex and his ex were making financial decisions based on a short term girlfriend’s (because that’s definitely what it was when he moved in after a year) and upped their spending based on this. Girlfriend hasn’t realised this is what’s happening, she’s just enjoying relationship not realising she is bankrolling everyone.

Meanwhile kids are obnoxious, discussions haven’t convinced them to be nice, and girlfriend has decided to cut her losses and end the relationship.

Parents now can’t afford the lifestyle they have been financing with OPs wage. OP hasn’t been paying for anything. Daddy and mummy have been spending money they don’t have.

If I saw this happening to a male friend of mine I would have serious concerns. This has all happened in a really short period of time. It’s not like they were small children, OP has been there watching them grow - she’s barely known them for 2 years!

Remember - he’s on an above average salary so that means 35k+. He’s been paying a few hundred each month towards the bills. Even if that’s 500 a month a 35k salary has left him with at least 15k a year to himself. OP even paid for the holidays.