AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

He only moved in with you a year ago and, it seems, immediately redirected the saved rent money to private education, extra curricula and school trips.

This is not your fault, OP he made insane decisions about money. His DC don’t need super expensive schooling, activities or trips if the money for them isn’t secure. It was stupid of him not to be putting the housing costs he was saving into some other form of investment and keeping a more modest standard of living.

One year of living together is, really, nothing. It’s the sort of time frame in which issues like the one you’ve experienced come up and test the situation. And he must have been very quick to make the decision to pay for private school if they are already attending, so would have done that just months after moving in.

He was short sighted and opportunistic - he’s reaping what he sowed.

If he’d had some sense he would have been concerned about not having secure housing of his own just-in-case but also in terms of the future, and would have used this opportunity to save - so he had a nest egg just-in-case but if that just-in-case never happened could be something to pass on to his kids later. He went for the short term stretch lifestyle instead of prudent investment - that wasn’t your decision and it’s not your problem to fix.

No one should have to put up with horrendous step children. YANBU, and don't give him any money!

Block him. You owe him and his kids nothing 🤷‍♀️

Your exP has been taking advantage, big time. The truth comes out now. It sounds as if you have made the right decision. You are not being unreasonable.

Not your fuckin problem hun.

Fat lotta NOPE

I don't know why he thought you would let the children make you miserable when they are not your children and he didn't even have the nous to put a ring on it.

He seems to believe that you are an extension of him, and that your situation is his.

Op dont be at home tomorrow get your sister to be there. Box up everything ready for the children so it's a quick in and out. Change the locks. Move on from this. You better without them

I agree that you should brace yourself for manipulation about so-called “moral obligation”, lifestyle that you “owe” the kids. That is utter bullshit. You have been unwittingly funding a lifestyle for them that their parents can’t afford. This has shown that the parents have less moral fibre than a pair of crocodiles. They have allowed you to suffer all of the negatives of parenthood, taken advantage of your money, time and kindness and despite your increasing unhappiness, they continued to allow you to continue while they had zero expectation that you will push to change things. Their kids will continue to torment you in your own home and you will still enable the lifestyle that provides their fancy schools, sports and trips. Your cocklodger is the Artful Dodger I’m afraid.

This.

Yes OP teenage DC can be a nightmare but ultimately you've expressed how you feel and still they treated you as though your feelings are irrelevant.

They are old enough to know, and should be made to realise that treating people who treat you with kindness and respect aren't there to be shat on from a great hight and aren't obliged to put up with it.

By letting them do otherwise you're contributing to them thinking it's acceptable behaviour towards people that come into their lives in the future.
They must learn that their actions have consequences, as in this case.

Tell the lot of them to fuck off. Users that’s what they are . Move on and enjoy spending your money on you

Block contact and leave them too it. You are not responsible for their children's education.

The children sound like entitled little shits. Let them do without. The lesson that actions have consequences will be good for them. Who knows, they might then grow up not to be entitled shits of adults

Bringing the kids is definitely a manipulative tactic. I wouldn't even warn him you won't be there, your sister will see how angry he gets when he realises you're not there to be played. You're doing the best thing OP

he avoided the difficult questions because that might alert op to the fact that he is exploiting her
@0sm0nthus
I suppose I just wanted to make the point that it's not inherently wrong that a relationship has an impact on financial decisions or that this makes splitting up a bit more complicated, it's also not inherently exploitative to benefit from or even depend on a partner's financial situation.

I'm about to move in with a partner. Doing so will cost me, and because it's a different city it has some impact on my career too. I'm also going into a more expensive area that I currently couldn't afford on my own (or even 50%). If we split, especially soon after I move, that will have further financial and career impact on me. But not on him. It's up to me to look after myself so I've pointed out this discrepancy to him and we've agreed ways that he can "compensate" me. This includes him being fully responsible for the rent for the first year while I get myself established (which he can easily afford), and he's agreed to not kick me out immediately if we do split. I don't think it's exploitative that I ask him to do this. My career is being affected, his will not be and avoiding career disruption is the main reason he doesn't want to move. I think it's okay that I ask him to share what he gains from this decision and to offset my costs. Obviously very different from the op's situation. But people are calling him out for not paying his way when she chose the standard of living and she wanted to own the property to protect herself, it's not fair to blame him for that. He is now in a more precarious situation (temporarily homeless) because of a decision that was primarily made for her benefit. What it is fair to blame him for is choosing not to plan ahead and discuss things openly. I just can't see that he exploited her when she was happy with the financial arrangement and seemed to suggest most of it.

I offer you the word 'tough'. Use it if they try to pull this again.

Or just 'No', then block.

Thinking about it logically, there is absolutely no way that they made a decision on schooling based on your income, unless they are both completely unreasonable.

Lets assume that the children are twins and both in year 7 - this is the most charitable assumption for him in terms of schooling. That would mean that he would have had to apply for school places early in year 6 - so around 18 months ago. So he would have had to be visiting schools two years ago.

You've only been together for 3 years and early in the relationship he was funding his own place with the kids going there at the weekends. He made those decisions before you lived together, with a similar sort of income as he'll have once he sets himself up again.

If he's staying with his parents then he won't have a problem paying for the trip and the after school classes - he will have even less expenses with his parents than he has with you unless they ask him to pay bills.

If his ex is away this weekend he can stay at hers with the kids if they're amicable and she wants to still go away. Or take the kids to a cheap hotel or bnb (again, still cheaper probably than the bills that he has been paying at yours).

He just doesn't want to split up with you; doesn't want to go back to supporting and entertaining his kids alone; doesn't want to move out of the house. And thinks that this is the best way to make this happen.

@3LemonsAndLime

Remember that anyone can end any relationship at any time and for any reason, or no reason at all. And you had a very good reason to end yours.

You must be a very, very kind person to feel even one iota of guilt or responsibility about this situation. But I think you must also have a wee bit of low self esteem that someone could make you feel that you might be financially responsible for a situation that you did not create. Because you didn't. The children's parents are the ones that took you for granted. And the children are the ones who treated you so disrespectfully that you could no longer take it.

Yes, I know that tweens/teens can be difficult. But not all of them are! I have 2 adult sons and have 6 adult niblings and now have 9 adult great-niblings and although some of them may have had a mouth on them during that time period none of them made their assortment of parents, stepparents, and partners run for the hills. So not all tweens/teens have behaviour so disrespectful that it ended relationships. Yours did. And actions have consequences.

You owe your exDP and his DC nothing. And perhaps they'll all learn a valuable lesson from this.

Don't be there this weekend, let your DSis handle this. And consider blocking communications once their stuff is gone.

Also, back in thinking mode… This guy sounds like a master puppeteer. Maybe it’s his ex-wife who is pulling the strings. The entitlement and desperation when slapped around the chops with consequences screams of narcissistic behaviour. So does using the kids as props. He may attempt to coerce them into apologizing by dangling their schools, trips and lifestyles of Bitch and Entitled in front of them and also telling them that HIS misery is their fault for treating you badly. This guy is a bad ‘un.

Yanbu. You have been very generous while the relationship lasted but you made no commitment that this was forever. It was unwise of him and his ex to make decisions on the basis of your relationship lasting forever.

If someone is on mumsnet asking for advice as the lower-income partner at the start of a relationship like this, the advice they are given is to make sure they put the money they would otherwise need to spend on rent into long-term savings so that they have something to fall back on when/if the relationship ends. Some people in that position might keep a flat on a BTL mortgage with a tenant in place so that they have a property of their own.

It doesn't seem quite fair that he has been making a 50% contribution to household running costs from a significantly smaller income - especially as these costs would have been higher than they might have been in a more financially equal relationship (in a more modest home) i.e. if the house is particularly large or high maintenance. Because of this imbalance I might consider making an ex-gratia gift of a lump sum to help him set up on his own - making it clear that this was a freewill gift with no obligation and no expectations for any further financial links between you.

Two words for him and his ex wife. Say it passionately

FUCK OFF!!!!!

His kids aren't your responsibility at all.

Has he shown any remorse for his children’s behaviour or even towards the breakdown of the relationship that does not involve money?

@3LemonsAndLime
A couple of posters mentioned you letting your EX-DP come back while you are gone to "get their things".
Please don't let them alone in your house. It would be best if you and your sister bagged up all of their stuff and dropped it off to his parent's house, where he can sort it. Letting someone into your house to "pack their stuff", even with your sister there, leaves way too much room for them to take anything they want. Your jewelry, accessories, purses, just too much opportunity to take with no oversight. I believe your EX would do it too, since he seems to feel you should still support HIS children. He should have been saving all the money he wasn't having to pay in rent/mortgage instead of acting like Mr. Moneybags to his kids.

You owe nothing to any of them. The kids did not act like crap to you because they are tweens. They treated you and acted like crap because their parents allowed it and because they seem like entitled brats. Again, that's on their parents, since they did not have the money to pretend their kids were from a high-income family. They did that at YOUR expense.

You are well-rid of the lot of them, to be honest. Your EX was financial irresponsible and now wants to blame you for his stupidity. Funny how it is all about what he is losing monetarily and not about you as a person. I am glad they did not take you more for a ride.

Change your locks and then when they are truly out of there, go with your sister for a couple of nights and be pampered somewhere beautiful! You DESERVE that!

You said he now has to stay in his mother's house so it sounds like he's already found another woman to sponge off. Not your problem.

"I don't see how this would benefit me"
Repeat ×100

Thank you to everyone for your responses. I have been reading all of them and they are incredibly helpful for perspective.

Especially thank you to those posters sending love or support or who said I sound lovely - @LemonyFace and @Bourbanbiscuit and @EG94 and @TheTempest and @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe and @TheValueOfEverything and @BlastedPimples and @AtrociousCircumstance and @Chockdavis and @MmedeGouge and @gettingbackonit23 and @Dontbeme and @Nagado and @OolongTeaDrinker and @friendlycat and @Tahlbias and @User884721 and @Dearg and @LBFseBrom and @AllThePotatoesAreSinging it really meant a lot to read those posts.

Whilst I haven’t touched on it much in this post (as it’s about the financial issue), I am quite heart broken at the end of a 3 year relationship, where I thought I had found a future life partner. For the last 2 years he has been spending most of the time at my place (apart from his contact weekends with the kids) and then when we made the big move, he gave up his place and moved in ‘officially’. I know I did subsidise him - prior to his offical move, I paid all bills, food etc as it was my house, and then afterwards we agreed he would pay half the bills. It was possibly less than half, as stuff like Netflix, internet etc was in my name and he cancelled his and joined mine.

But I didn’t have an issue with it, as I said in my OP, it made things clear and clean in relation to asset ownership, it gave him more disposable income to enjoy life and to benefit his children, and, whilst I knew I paid for more holidays and things out, he still did contribute and I didn’t feel he was using me. More just like it was a normal partnership where one person earnt more, but the partnership as a whole benefited. There were some days I felt selfish for having put in place the boundaries re my house - not allowing him any share or to contribute. Obviously it was the smart move in hindsight.

If I thought at all, I would have assumed that as he knew why he wasn’t paying rent/board etc (so the house would always be mine), I would have assumed he was saving some of the money he was saving by being with me to build up as an asset for himself.

I just thought it worked. I am realising maybe what I thought and what he thought were different.

In any event, based on the advice here, I have boxed up everything of his and made a list of the items, which I have sent to him. I have also told
him that I won’t be here tomorrow, but it will be my sister and her husband. I have told him it isn’t appropriate to bring the children, and if he can’t leave them with someone else, then he should wait and collect his belongings at another time when he can come alone.

My sister and BIL are coming over with more boxes, to pack up the (smaller) stuff from the children’s rooms. Either to give them to him to do tomorrow, or if he delays it my sister and BIL will pack it. They suggested dropping it all around to him, which is a good idea, but I will wait and see what exDP says about tomorrow.

I’ve also made a list of the children’s furniture in their rooms to see if he wants it moved to his parents or his ex wife’s home. Whilst yes, I did pay for it, I don’t need it and it would be an unhappy memory here in this house. I would be happy to think it was in exDP’s future new rental home, so that even if he doesn’t have couches or stuff, the kids rooms are 100% set up for them from when he moves in.

I don’t want to see the children at the moment, the whole thing is a bit too raw, but I like the idea of maybe buying and sending them a gift that acknowledges a common interest as @AGlinnerOfHope suggested. I’ll just think on this and get over this difficult period first.

My sister is very supportive. She said she had been concerned from afar that perhaps he was thinking that any money I had was money he was looking at to possible use to benefit his children. She says she knew I would have been subsiding his lifestyle abit, but agreed that, that is normal
in any relationship where one partner out earns the other. Her quiet concern was that the children seemed to be having their lifestyle inflate in a way that she assumed was due to my income. She was watching from afar, but not prepared to raise it with me yet, as she recognised it was personal and really between exDP and me.