AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

Please don't feel you need to set him up financially to split up with him. You weren't married, you owe him nothing.

His children are his responsibility with his ex wife. You bankrolled them for long enough.

What @Nagado said !
Op, you are playing nice, he's playing as dirty as he can, trying to exploit you as much as he possibly can.
It's no good turning up to a gun battle with a pea shooter, you have to fight fire with fire.
I'm not suggesting you should be as ridiculously manipulative as him- you're much better than that. He's playing dirty and using all the smarts he's got but we can all see straight through him.
If you can stop playing nice, and do this with the benefit of your much more sophisticated/superior intellect he will not be able to out maneuver you.

He wants to bring the children as they have some stuff in the rooms they have here in my house and they need to collect it. He says we could all sit down and talk when they do

He's going to try and talk you out of breaking up with him.

Bringing the children to collect things seems awful to me, as a parent wouldn’t you collect it for your children rather than have them pack and it be awkward and emotional?

Definitely. Really rotten of him to expose them to his relationship drama. He's not behaving like a grown up at all.

I am going to ask my sister to be here tomorrow instead of me.
Very sensible. Unless you suspect he's going to try to claim/nick any of your stuff. Does she have a husband who can come too?

I hope it turns out well for you op

Wow he's literally saying you've just been a bank to them.

Do not be there when he wheels the kids round to apologise and beg for another chance.

This man is beyond awful to think that's okay. Clean break. Not your circus.

He knew that you were securing your own financial position in the event that the relationship ends, why wasn't he doing that for himself?
Because he's a grifter and he can 'smell' that his mark is completely under his control.

He didn't have the difficult conversations when he should have, that's his failure towards his kids and not yours
@Uol2022 you are correct of course but I would say he avoided the difficult questions because that might alert op to the fact that he is exploiting her. It's not to his benefit to have things properly discussed, he prefers to keep things as loose and blurred as possible so that he can exploit the situation.

My goodness op you have been had. What complete nonsense. I wouldn’t even feel guilty about the children. They’ve treated you badly as this age group often do but you get to walk away. Parents don’t. Maybe they’ll learn a valuable lesson.
He is an embarrassment, living with you and letting you support his children, not properly paying his way. Gross. Absolutely gross. You got yourself a cocklodger, not your ordinary cock lodger but one with kids as well.
Tell him and his kids and his ex to do one

He's only bringing the kids to use as emotional blackmail.
He's more worried about the standards dropping than he is about the op.
I'd have everything bagged up and ready to go,there's no way I'd let any of them back in to my home.

I wouldn't pay anything & I wouldn't let any of them in to collect stuff.

His kids have somewhere to live & so does he so no worries there either.

It must be a shock, when they’ve all been sponging off you for years, to suddenly have to pay their own way! Anyone who makes major financial decisions on the basis of their ex’s current girlfriend footing the bills is irresponsible.

He's still trying to milk the cash cow through guilt,his children are not and never have been, your responsibility.

She should pay for a school trip for a child who treats her like shit? That's almost laughable. The brat can realize that poor behavior has consequences, not benefits.

OP, you owe them nothing, nada, zilch. Your now EX-DP basically sponged off you and is now mad that his free ride is coming to an end? He should have been SAVING money, not spending every dime he has as if he was Daddy Warbucks. Now HE can deal with his folly and his lack of parenting.

Not your circus, not your clown car.

But it was getting so bad, I just couldn’t continue with them. I hope in 10 years time they have grown, are through uni and lovely young adults. But I just can’t keep doing this

That's a really nice sentiment. You're not a terrible person. And you don't have to keep doing it.

It's going to be tough for ex and the kids since they clearly weren't expecting it so haven't had time to make alternative plans. I don't know what you can do about that though. Let them spend the weekend at the house without you to get themselves organised? I guess it was their "home" after a fashion and they're not getting a chance to say goodbye.

But in your shoes I don't think I could deal with that. Their dad is just going to have to step up and help them through.

Don't be there this weekend for a talk, that's for sure. I can't think of anything more awkward.

Enjoy your new peace and space in your home.

Just wanted to add my support Op. You have handled yourself with dignity, your Ex , not so much.
Definitely agree with having your sister meet him. Also agree that he should not be bringing the children, he’s attempting to manipulate you at their expense.
You are well rid. Hope he gives you peace in the near future.

If your financial contribution has been to vital to the lifestyle of your ex's children then perhaps he should have done more to ensure that they treated you with respect. Does he seem to care about the loss of the relationship at all or is it just the money!

You are not at all unreasonable. What is more, you're extremely kind. Your ex cannot expect anything from you. It is unfortunate for his children if they now have to accept less than they did before but maybe it will not be as bad as he anticipates; I don't know what arrangements he is making but surely he could rent a bedsitter somewhere for now, which would not cost the earth and would not forever. He could also get a part-time second job, plenty of people do, men and women (I did for nearly two years in the 1990s).

The breaking up of a relationship after several years is a sad business, especially if you have been happy. I think the pain of that is enough for you to be dealing with right now, without ex trying to guilt-trip you. He will calm down, he's probably just shocked at the moment.

If you are due any annual leave and could get away for a short time, while he sorts out where he is going to live, packs his things, etc, it might help.

He has no financial claim on you, thank goodness. However, you could speak to a solicitor to make it all clear, in writing, just in case he tries. Maybe you have a solicitor friend who would help you but, if not, it wouldn't cost that much to consult and have a letter written.

I wish you all the very best for the future. Time to move on.

Its amazing how they are making YOU the bad guy in all of this.

He didn't parent effectively, he allowed the behavior continue. Even after you told him to have a chat with them to ensure they stopped their behaviour. Several times.

He didn't act as a proper partner to you - he allowed the situation to become so toxic that you just got in your car and drove away from your own home.

And now, now he angry because you've reached the end of your tether. He's not upset because of being dumped by the person he loves and cherishes, hes upset because he'll have to do adult things like rent a flat and budget and make cutbacks.

Please don't allow him to weasel his way back into your house and life. Hes a grown man, earning above average and can stand on his own two feet

my take away after reading this thread and many other cocklodger/insecure man earning less threads is that women shouldn't accept partners who earn less than them or are less successful than them because the vast majority of men are insecure babies.

Well.

I hope someone points out to the kids that this wouldn’t have happened if they’d been nicer to you!

You don’t owe them anything. I certainly wouldn’t be letting him in with his children to bag up their things and then sit down and talk to you? Why? To attempt to blackmail you. That isn’t good and healthy for the children. Bag up their things and drop them at his parents house. If you feel you must let him over to collect the things, don’t be there whilst it’s happening.

Let him know you’ll keep the children’s furniture until x date (a date very close in the future, he can arrange to keep them in storage until he finds a permanent location to live), and if he doesn’t arrange collection you’ll be selling them/passing them onwards.

His children are tweens, not babies. They’re old enough to understand the way they treated you will have added to your decision to leave. So he can put all of the blame on you about their change in lifestyle if he wants, but this is a good life lesson for them, and ultimately nothing to do with you anymore.

He is guilt-tripping you. He seriously thinks he should be allowed to continue sponging off you (because that what it is), because he spent every dime he had instead of saving a LOT of it to cover unforseen happenings? What if you had gotten sick and couldn't work? He would have left you in a New York minute, he wouldn't have worked another job or gone out of his way to keep you in your house, etc.

PLEASE stop feeling guilty. Also, please stop calling the children "innocent", because they are not. Bad behavior has no excuse, including "tweendom".

AS for them coming to collect stuff, you could just do it yourself and leave it all by the door. Personally, I would be afraid that EX-DP would steal anything of value, like jewelry or take any money you might have in the house.

He has shown his true colors now and please beware of him and the rest of his kin.

You sound a very fair, nice and decent person. Please do not give him a penny. He is ridiculous to expect any more from you. For almost 3 years now you have financially supported him, and his DC, by covering the cost of the mortgage and the nicer parts of life. You have been incredibly generous by the sound of it, with both your money, your time and your company. Anyone who has been able to live by simply contributing half the bills every month should have had ample time to put substantial savings aside for a 'rainy day'.

It's clear you have done your best with these DC and yes - they do sound to be at difficult ages, but this is not an excuse. It's a good life lesson for them both to learn that not everyone has to tolerate disrespect and you speaking to them in shitty fashion. Particularly in their own home. In fact, some people decide they will cut the connection.

Perhaps it will teach them in future that friends, employers, partners and relatives do not have to grovel to you as you behave like a snotty princess. And that the way you behave influences the way people feel about you, and the actions that they subsequently decide to take.

You won't be funding their lifestyles any longer. They are left with just their Mummy and Daddy and whatever they can afford.

Well done, OP on having decent boundaries!

Don't be envious. Make the change!

I don't think it's fair to expect the kids to understand the financial consequences, they are minors. Yes you can talk to them about money but you don't want to say "Be nice to step mom or we won't be able to afford private school and sports."

How did they afford all this before since they've only been living with op for over a year? They must have been over- extending themselves for a long time. The mom is on vacation now and has no spare money for the kid's trip. These two have never heard of an emergency fund.

On the flip side, the ex has been evicted with no notice at all, so in that sense he is being treated worse than a tenant who is renting would be. I'm sure he feels the rug has been pulled out from under him to an extent, although it shouldn't come as a total shock given he was aware of the problems.

Perhaps the two parents should get back together, they seem to have the same outlook of going completely broke for the kids.

Also how dare he not be more upset at the thought of losing you! It sounds like his gripes have purely been ‘how will I pay for the kids’ and not ‘I’ll miss you’.