AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

You mention school fees?

Are the DC at private school and they've been relying on your subsidy of ExDP's living costs to afford it?

If so that is completely on them. You have to be crazy to choose private without EASILY being able to afford it.

Bloody hell they are cheeky fuckers aren't they 😂

You sound like a very nice person OP. I’d not have let him move in with his kids though. You were left wide open to be taken advantage of.

I wonder if the kids mum bad mouths you to them. That wouldn’t surprise me. Still, if they are tween/early teens (guessing 11 and 13?) they are old enough to know that actions have consequences. If they treat you like shit, you won’t put up with it. I managed to go through my whole teenage years without being a little shit to adults who were being nice to me. Fuck around, find out. They will probably be really upset that you are gone from their lives but that is their own problem and their parents should have nipped it in the bud as soon as it began.

What we still can’t get past is despite people fully agreeing with the OP there is still an expectation from many that we Sm’s should be disrespected fund lifestyles and still some expect us to be the ones to do more 🤯 pay for a bit longer, send goodbye gifts, meet up with the kids to give them closure.

fuck this!! OP did ENOUGH, more than enough. Stop asking more of her and SM’s in general.

Well maybe they should have thought about this before they were all so horrid to you. Actions have consequences. Unless they are toddlers, they should know this.

You are not responsible for his children, he and their mother are. This has nothing to do with you. If you get any more grief, seek help as his behaviour is veering into emotional manipulation. If you feel at all threatened, please do not hesitate to call the police.

This is not your burden to carry. The parents made these decisions knowing they themselves couldn’t afford it (without you). They made that choice and unfortunately for the children they can’t always have what they want. I know it’s hard for the little ones but these things happen.

its not coming from a place of love it’s coming from a place of anger because their cushty lifestyle has gone

cut contact and well done for looking after your finances and assets 👏 ♥️

Have you stopped laughing at their lunacy yet?

Block the pair of them! What cheeky so and sos!

@3LemonsAndLime Don't pay for anything, his children are not your responsibility.
Pack up his and the DC belongings and have someone drop them off at this parents house.
Do not let this man and his DC into your home this weekend for any "chats". It's clear as day his will try to manipulate you by using his DC to pull on your heartstrings, the relationship is over there is nothing else to say.

Are you not angry or disgusted that upon ending this three year relationship his first instinct is to jump straight to his losing access to your money? He's seemingly unconcerned that he is losing you, but very concerned about losing your money. You need to start finding your anger here, anger that he financially used you, anger that his children and his ex-wife see you as someone to be used for money and disrespected, anger that he now wants you to continue paying for his kids. Block all contact and have nothing more to do with these people. You made the classic mistake of being kind and generous and expecting others in your life to also be kind, that's why his actions have you stumped, you don't expect people to be unkind as you are not an unkind person.

He's not had to pay rent/mortgage for a year, just half the bills. He should have been able to build up a cushion in that time. It's not your fault he expanded his budget rather than putting the saving on housing into savings.

I agree, he wants to ambush you to make you feel as guilty as possible, please don't let him put you on the spot like this.
IME it's common for men to feel as if they ought to be the boss in a relationship and the person who earns the most. If they don't have the ability to be the main owner then they will do all they can to control the money that the woman earns.
I think this might be because they feel as if the woman's money is their money because they ought to be the person with all the power.

You sound very generous, both financially and in wanting to think the best of people. He’s already taken advantage of your wealth and I think you’re sailing dangerously close to him doing it again.

You’re sitting there, willing to let him take the children's furniture that you paid for, wanting to make this go as smoothly as possible and thinking that he’ll behave well because that’s what decent people do and you want to think the best of him. Meanwhile, he’s at his parents house trying to work out the best way to manipulate and guilt trip you into backing down, letting him move back in and, worst of all, using his children to do it. It might be because he’s upset over the end of your relationship and worried about how he’ll finance his children’s activities and education, or it might be because he’s an absolute scumbag; it doesn’t really matter why. The fact is, he’s going to try to make you change your mind.

I think you would be absolutely insane to let him or his children put one toe over the doorstep. Once they’re in, you’ll stand no chance of getting them out without tears, pleading and emotional blackmail. And as you know them, they know you and they know your soft spots. Box their stuff up (put them in bin bags if you have to), message him and tell him that his plans don’t work for you and you don’t want to talk, so you’ve packed everything up and he can message your sister half an hour before he arrives so she can move it all outside for him as you won’t be there. You’re willing to let him take the bunk beds for free as you just want them out of your home, but if he hasn’t arranged a storage facility by the end of April then you will be listing them on Freecycle. There is nothing else to say.

Also, he left earlier in the week but didn’t bother to try and contact you until hours before he was due to have his children? Convenient timing.

I am impressed with your level headedness about this whole situation, from protecting your assets to knowing your own self worth to walk away from this situation. Both of the children's parents made financial decisions based on your income without having the courtesy to involve you in those discussions - that's one of the most CF things I have read on mumsnet.

I'm sorry that you are having the realisation that they were using you as a bit of a cash cow. I wonder if your ex-partner would have pursued the relationship with you if he was the higher earner and you didn't have your own lovely home? Maybe the wrongly perceived injustice of the situation will bring your ex-partner and his ex back together - then they would only have the expense of one household, so problem solved for everyone :)

People break up all the time, and if you lived together than of course finances will be impacted. But it is what it is. 52% of marriages end, so millions of people have had to deal with this, like grown ups.

You were right to keep finances separate and generous to pay for more (I also have done this with DH, as it's my house and I earn more). But it's not down to you to subsidise him now that the relationship is over.

Having a talk with the kids present would be insane! It's a good plan to get your sister to hand over the stuff.

I think that him planning stuff for the kids based on his disposable income, was pretty standard. I don't think he was using you or viewed it like that. But now the harsh reality of not being subsidised and living rent free is hitting home. It's not your problem though.

I think I would say to him :

"I have no regrets in allowing you to live with me mortgage free, and for paying for our holidays and treats, because at the time we were in a relationship, and my salary meant that I could afford to do this. Whilst it's sad that we are now separating, I obviously do not have any obligation to subsidise your lifestyle going forward, or that of your children, that are not biologically mine. We weren't even married and your children don't even like me. Hopefully you have managed to save a considerable amount of money, whilst living rent free. I'm sure this will help to fund the next chapter of your life. I wish you all the best going forward. I'm sure that you will feel more settled and happy once you have moved in to your new home"

' probably enough to rent a place, furnish it and pay the immediate bills he is referring too - school trip and school fees '

you are due him nothing, not a single penny.

you are not married, and they are not your children !
these children have 2 parents.

he has parents with whom he has moved back to.

what has he done with all his money since moving in with you - he didn't pay your mortgage and he didn't pay rent

my goodness he could make a fortune if he continues to move in with girlfriends and they subsidise him...

did the children only start at private school after he had moved in ?

He wants to bring the children over tomorrow for us all to have a talk.

Absolutely not! How dare he try to emotionally blackmail you by using his children!

Keep repeating this mantra: "Not my circus, not my monkeys".

Your exP & his exW are CFs of the highest order! At least you weren't married/had children with him. You can just walk away without a backward glance.

Seems like it is a lesson to the kids that if they don't behave to someone who indirectly facilitates their nice extras, then consequences happen which means you lose your treats.

It's a lesson to men to stop thinking their partner is their mummy and owes them anything.

It is a lesson to higher earning women to sort their shit out to protect themselves for when the relationship ends.

Well this confirms that you are making the right decision here. These are not your children and when you separate you actually will never see any of them again. It was a wise decision to keep everything that you own as 'yours'.
As much as they are teens, that's not your lot in life to put up with if you don't want to. I would never get into a relationship with someone with children and even if, they need to be out of the house and adults or we live separately and have a relationship separately. I would never inflict someone else on my children and never accept other people's children as anywhere close to my own. The fact that these two people expect you to fund their lifestyle is proof enough that you are making the right decision.

The children won't have to miss out on anything that's already planned. Their parents can take out loans or borrow from family/friends if they don't have the available cash to pay for these trips etc. Longer term, they'll have to explain to their OWN children that they'll be living within the financial means of their parents, just like every other child does.

Meanwhile, you deserve a better life with people who appreciate you and don't just treat you as their personal bank.

I think all your comments are extremely level headed and you have thought long and hard about this situation.

Whilst I can see the financial implications that this change of circumstances will create for your ExDP and the children's mother, it really is not your responsibility going forward. It's something that they will have to navigate themselves.

I can also see how hard this must be for you having the financial implications levied back at you. I would be hurt, angry, annoyed etc etc.

Relationships don't always work out as evidenced by the fact that the children's parents split up in the first place. But you are not responsible for their future whether that's short, medium or long term.

Tell him too move back in with his kids & ex wife to save money & fund the kids 😂

Families go through hard times all the time. One minute we were having a nice holiday every year and then DH got laid off and subsequently became ill. So now we're at 40% of our previous income very suddenly. My tween understands that. He understands we won't get a holiday this year. He understands I have to economise and actually he's supportive and understanding when I say that some purchase might have to wait - it's not a bad thing for a kid to learn how to adapt to an abrupt change in circumstances.

In respect of what else you say, I was not involved in the big decisions for his children, they were made between their parents. He did sometimes discuss them with me, more for advice and a sounding board, but ultimately the decisions were made between them both. I respected that, as I thought that was my place.

You weren't married to him, nor a stepmother legally. It's clear in the day to day that the two of them were happy to co-parent and not include you in their decision making when they were making all these plans based on your significant contribution to the family. Neither parent respected you or appreciated you though and that's what filtered through to their kids in their treatment of you.

In my home, despite the financial/legal position, I treated it as ‘our’ home. His children visited EOW, and as there was room, they each had their own rooms and as part of a ‘welcoming’ they each chose paint wall colours and bedding etc to make their rooms their own and to feel welcome.

In that case I would meet the kids, say goodbye to them, let them pack up their old bedrooms and all that. It's likely you'll be blamed for their upheaval because both their parents are blaming you anyway. Only maturity will fix that for them if they evolve emotionally better than their parents did.

It's shit for the kids, but it's not your fault this happened. And even when they all blame you, you know the truth.

The children unfortunately have been taught/shown that you are there merely to help fund their whims and wants and I will wager that their attitude has come from this distorted belief and they began to show such disrespect because they were witnessing you not being treated with respect by their parents .

Leaving you out of the decisions their parents were making planned on your finances and lifestyle gave the children the idea you were not their to be respected and treated as a family member, but we're just someone there to make things easier, sort of like staff .

I would also suspect their mother has not encouraged any respect either because she wouldn't want you to get the gratitude and respect from all that you did that helped them. No she would be presenting it as though it was because of her insisting on you getting things that they got them. If that is indeed true then everytime they couldn't get what they wanted they would feel resentful of you and no doubt she would happily have allowed their anger to be directed at you rather than her!

You know you are right and I promise in time you'll be relieved to be out of this situation and your leech of an ex xxx

Op , he is basically telling you to your face that he needs your money. How utterly pathetic of him. Why does he even think for a second you owe people who have nothing to do with you??
Once he is out of your life, so will these children. You will never see them again and in a few years all be absolute strangers to each other. Why should you spend a penny. He's lost his mind.

You're not married so there's no particular obligation to him. But I honestly think those lines are so blurred nowadays - not legally but in terms of how we think about our relationships - so that it's not quite as simple as thinking we should be able to split and never think of each other again. You made the decision to move in together, obviously there are impacts beyond just the relationship if you break up, it's reasonable to acknowledge that and think about what both your needs are in that case. You didn't want your financial / living situation to be affected if you broke up, so you can surely empathise with how destabilising it is for him now that his financial and living situation are being affected by your break up. Since you understand that, you could choose to be generous by offering some financial support to him to get re-established. Again, there's not really any obligation for you to do so, and I don't know if he actually would want that, but I could imagine it being a nice gesture.

In the end though, I think it's on him for not thinking ahead. He knew that you were securing your own financial position in the event that the relationship ends, why wasn't he doing that for himself? If he was making decisions based on you essentially subsidising his life then he should have talked to you about that. If he'd thought about it properly he could have had a conversation with you at the time of making e.g. the school decision. We want to do this but can only afford it because I don't pay any rent. Can I rely on this situation for the next 5-10 years? It's not the most romantic way to preface a proposal, but hey at least it's honest and realistic and it sounds like you would actually have been somewhat open to those kinds of conversations including you into the family more. Obviously you're then totally free to say yes or no, and in the case of a yes, now that you realise you've made a commitment, he can morally expect continued support even if you split. But if he was foolish enough to assume a commitment which you were unaware of and which he never explicitly stated it's really not your fault. He didn't have the difficult conversations when he should have, that's his failure towards his kids and not yours.

You are not responsible for them at all!
Please don’t be guild tripped into paying a penny more towards your cocklodging ex and his children.

They have been taking advantage of you for years. Maybe. Good time for them to learn to live within their means, not go to a fee paying school if their own parents can’t afford it, and be grateful to any people who have been kind to them (and not be brats).