AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children?

[3LemonsAndLime]

I have just ended things with my partner (ExDP). We have lived together for several years, no children. He has 2 tween children from a previous relationship (I have none). He is a good father, contributes jointly to children’s fees and items for them and general costs as well as pays maintenance above CMS and has them regularly. The co-parenting relationship with his ex is positive.

The issues is, I am a high earner, I earn over 3x my ex-DP’s income. He still earns a very good wage, well above average. In making the decision to move in together, I wanted to be sure to guard my financial position, and so I alone pay my mortgage, and all house maintenance related bills. ExDP and I contributed an equal amount to the ‘normal’ bills account (not proportionate to income). I also paid for most ‘extra’ things, like holidays, entertainment/meals out, usually on the basis that I was the one who mainly organised/booked it, so it was easier to pay, and obviously I could afford it. When out for things we would pay for things alternatively as the bill came up - he would pay for petrol in the car on the way to dinner, I would pay at the restaurant. It was never planned, just the person closest at each one would pay.

If asked, I would have said that he was on a ‘good deal’ with me, as obviously he had no rent or mortgage to pay, half of bills and me paying for the more expensive parts of our life - furniture, holidays and things as above. But I always felt like I was paying for some of those things to ensure no messy ownership issues (house, furniture etc) and he earnt less than me and had children who deserved his money, so it was right that I subsidise our life abit more.

The relationship has been difficult lately, mainly around his children and their attitude to me. (I am not the other woman, and he had been in another 2 year relationship before me). It started well, but has gotten disrespectful, and moved to rude and in recent months is now in the hurtful and toxic stage. My ex-DP has tried many strategies, I have bent over backwards, but after a recent issue time in my own life, have made the difficult decision that I don’t want to live like this anymore, and ended things with ex-DP yesterday.

This obviously involves him moving out, and he will have more expenses.

However he and his ex-wife are now furious with me, as apparently decisions were made about their children’s after-school activities and choice of school that necessitated him having the disposable income he did (that is, that he was with someone who covered more expenses and lifestyle costs, so he had a good standard of living whilst still having a lot of money to pay towards to his kids).

ExDP is furious that I am putting his children’s schooling at risk, jeapodising his contact time (he used to have them here, in my home, which is nice - now it will have to be at his parents, where they can’t stay overnight, until he gets a place of his own, the cost and standard of which he is also concerned about). He says a school trip for one would never have been agreed to if he knew his current financial circumstances and another will have to stop a hobby/sport as again, he can’t afford it. It is an expensive sport, to be fair.

All these decisions were made between exDP and his ex-wife. I was not consulted and didn’t think much of them. If I thought at all, it would have been to assume their parents would have made the decisions after considering their own financial circumstances.

My ex is not clear in what he wants/expects from me - just wanting to rant at me or I’m not sure if he means we should stay together (or just live together, but not be together?) so he can keep financing this, or if he intends to ask for money. I am trying to get my thoughts in order, as I just did not see this coming - AIBU here to break up with exDP and not expect a financial obligation to children that are not mine?

So he rented somewhere until a year ago when he moved in with you? If they could afford school fees then, they should be able to afford them now. It’s not your problem.

They’ve probably paid fees until end of academic year anyway. And would need to give a terms notice so they’ve got until September to find a new school which is doable.

@3LemonsAndLime you have been more than decent to even consider the children's school, holidays and activities. But there is no reason on Gods green Earth why you should pay a penny towards them, if ex dp and his ex wife have overstretched that is entirely on them. As another poster said, suppose any of you had lost your jobs? What would happen then? You were subsidising all their high living while ( thank God ) protecting yourself.
Let him come and get his stuff with the children but don't be there. Pack it up and see if a friend will hand it over for you. Then block. He could have parented better and considered your feelings more, too little too late, as usual.

No, I'm not the ex-wife! I am commenting on the basis of the OP's own comments that (1) she considers herself the children's "aunt", (2) made clear to the ex that she was happy to subsidise his kids and (3) is wealthy and could afford these payments without any real financial impact. Personally in these circumstances, I would shield the kids from the immediate financial impact of the split, which is already going to be traumatic for them.

@3LemonsAndLime so if you were paying for his housing and all bills re the house, your sponging cocklodger of an xp should have had plenty of time to build up a substantial amount of savings. What a greedy oaf to try and blackmail you like this. I also think the kids shouldn’t accompany him when he collects all their stuff, have all his and their belongings bagged and boxed by the front door and don’t even let him cross the threshold. The entitlement knows no bounds, you can see where the kids got it from.

Thank you for replying, 3LemonsandLime, I understand what you've said now and why you've said it.

The only thing I can suggest is that you speak to somebody you know and trust in real life and ask them how best to achieve the split whilst making it as easy as possible for you. You need to be at peace with your decision otherwise you'll feel anguished about it.

Whatever it is, it needs to be final if the relationship is final. I won't reiterate the points made about the lacking parenting of these children. I will say that I quite liked the idea of sending a card (not now, but later) to these children to say goodbye. I wouldn't see them and I wouldn't allow ex to bring them, it's not appropriate.

Think about what you would want for yourself now, to bring this to an end, and do that. Just that. Make the concession, if any, that will bring you peace - but not more upset.

You deserve better. Your ex is stupid.

So from the time he moved in with you he paid no rent and he spent all his money to the last penny every month? The man is a fool, he should have been saving his rent money and building up his rainy day fund for when shit hits the fan. You are not responsible for his poor financial decisions.

It's very simple.

The children have 2 parents who should be able to fully financial support them without any need for third parties. It's that simple, their kids, their costs.

You sound far too decent and intelligent to have anything to do with this shit show. You recognise that so ended it. I would box up everything and have him collect it.

Don't entertain money, gestures ordamily meetings. He is a cheeky manipulator and it's not wonder his kids behave badly when their parents do too.

Every new post from OP just makes them sound worse.

ExDP and his exW are blaming OP for a drastic fall in their DC's lifestyle, and are encouraging the DCs to do the same.

The 'D'Cs couldn't bring themselves to be pleasant to OP even when she was paying for all their nice extras.

OP, you are well rid of this bunch of grifters, I would be heaving a big sigh of relief frankly, not feeling guilty. Education is important, but learning appreciate things and not to take things for granted is a very valuable lesson.

shield them from the consequences of their poor behaviour? Na expose them to the consequences because they’ve been told it’s no acceptable and have continued. They should not have had and never should have had any expectations of OP to fund them. That is purely on their parents. Entitled parents, entitled bratty children. Life’s going to be a shock to them

I like to think I am a kind person but in your position I definitely would not be paying anything further towards the children’s extra curricular activities.

They have all benefitted hugely from you. You have been the beneficent outsider in this “little family”. They seem to have accepted your good will whilst returning very little.

In my experience, as children grow older and become teenagers, they only become more self interested. You are getting out at the right time, if you think there is no long term future with your ex.

I would not feel guilty, just concentrate on the good you have done for them in the past.

I’m glad you mentioned you have a supportive sister. I hope you have good friends too.
You sound like a very decent person. Put your own interests first now and move on.

He’s pushing buttons to try an emotionally manipulate you. Expect other shit to be levelled at you too, as he tries to establish an ‘in’. Just block him and don’t put yourself through the stress of engaging with him.

You owe him, his ex, and his children nothing. Legally or morally. Your money has nothing to do with him and he had and has no business relying on it to pay for his children.

Gratitude , turns to acceptance, to expectation v v quickly.

This! Always. There is rarely an exception.

Exactly.. Im amazed the OP is feeling guilty about this. She's a better person than me, I'd be feeling smug!

Why should they be shielded from it? It’s largely their fault.

And if anyone needs to shield them from anything, it’s their own parents, not op.

This will hopefully be a pivotal moment in their lives when they realise the consequences of not treating people who care about you with respect and kindness. They aren’t too young to learn that lesson.

Advising op to give this leech more money is awful, awful advice.

It’s shocking that he’s saying he will bring the children for you “all to have a talk”. This is a break up between two adults. However the children have contributed to it they should not be brought in to hear that it’s their fault, or to play on your feelings. Completely irresponsible of him.

He got real comfortable real quick then didn't he? So did the ex wife.

It sounds like things got quite intense re living situation quite quickly with children at a difficult age. They should not have made major financial decisions like private schooling based on your income, particularly if you were having difficulties within your relationship. They are being unreasonable to blame you re finances.

That said, I think you also have a responsibility to say goodbye to the children properly and give them some closure if they want that. I think your partner is being unreasonable trying to bring them to pick up things when the situation is so raw. That’s unlikely to be a good atmosphere for the children or for either of you.

Nope. You don't owe them a penny and I actually find the behaviour of the EXdp and wife manipulative in stating one of the children will have to stop an activity. Not your problem

Actually, I'm nauseated by the posters saying that children should be nice if they're being paid for. No. They should be decent people whether they are or aren't.

I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding because OP has been paying for them so it's a done deal but I would hate to be in the company of a child who was there only because it was 'worth it'.

Ok, lovely though it’s been at times, you are definitely in the ‘dad’s girlfriend’ zone rather than the second mum zone.

It’s been every other weekend for a year, essentially.

They won’t be traumatised 🤣😅

You could buy them a gift- a book for one, cookbook for the other. Inscription to thank them for their company, wish them well etc.

You need to model gracious endings with them, as their dad clearly can’t.

He could have handled this in many different ways. He could have worked harder at minimising the impact on you. He could have been sensible with money.

He chose not to.

And this is why I'll stay single if I ever split with my kids dad. It's all too easy to tap out when they're not yours, it's no wonder some single parents seem to end up with a string of partners.
( Not saying you're wrong)

He was very stupid to have moved in and involved his kids in this.

Remember - their lack of financial planning is not your problem to solve.

💯

Suck it up, buttercup. (would be my response to your ex).

Did the kids know you were bankrolling their schooling and extra curriculars? Maybe they would have been a bit nicer to you if that was the case.

You are perfectly entitled to end a relationship and your ex sounds like a drip.

I don’t want to make them sound terrible - I accept that the children were/are probably acting for their ages and I am a convenient punching bag. I’m not a parent so don’t command that level of respect or obedience, but I’m also not a friend or a teacher, that is, someone they want to think well of them, so they act accordingly. I have thought about it for months, read some parenting books and spoken to my siblings (who have children with similar ages). I expressed to exDP how I felt, and he saw the behaviour too. He did try and address it, there were talks etc. but it just kept getting worse. I 100% accept they will probably grow out of it, and hope they stop the ‘bad’ bits of their behaviour and grow into the best parts of their character that I already see shining through.

But it was getting so bad, I just couldn’t continue with them. I hope in 10 years time they have grown, are through uni and lovely young adults. But I just can’t keep doing this.

Edited as hit ‘post’ to soon.