Difficult DD

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I moved here just over a year ago, having lost my DH, after caring for him for four years, to be close to my DD her DP and my little GD. I have done a lot for them, including free childcare once or twice a week, financial help etc. My DD has twice said very hurtful things to me and upset me dreadfully.

Last week, when dropping of my DGD I asked her about her little dog which may have cancer. I have looked after this dog frequently when they go away and am very fond of her. She said, " It's not your concern. It's our dog, not yours". Then my little GD asked for a snack, and already rattled I made a joke and said, "Oh a smack", and patted her on the bottom. My DD went ballistic at me using that word, though she has never mentioned this before, despite lots of other things she has explained that they don't say, and which I have respected. I walked away rather than respond as I was upset and she turned to my DGD and said spitefully, " Your grandma used to smack me when I was a little girl." While that is true, it sounded so cruel, taken out of the context that I asked her to leave. I looked after my DGD all day, despite feeling very hurt.

Her DP picked up the child and of course, she had not told him the whole story. I said that I needed a heartfelt apology from her. Several days later she arrived, supposedly to apologise but proceeded to gaslight me and change what was said by both of us. She left after dropping the biggest bomb and saying that my DH had once smacked her so hard that she flew across the room. My DH never laid a hand on anyone, ever, in the 50+ years that we were together.

I spoke to my DS who supposedly was there when this happened and he agreed that it never did and that his DD never smacked him. She has cancelled a spa date that I booked for us, for her birthday and my next day with my GGD, as if I have done something wrong and she is punishing me.

I haven't confronted her on what she said as I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose contact with my DGD. She had conflicts with her DD over the wedding with her ex, which were to do with her attitude and money, but that's no excuse for saying things about him when he's not here to answer back. My only thoughts on her lying is her hormones (struggling to conceive and on progesterone) or issues implanted during all the therapy she had after the break-up with her ex.

What do I do? I am so angry and hurt about this. At the moment I am just not contacting either of them and am waiting for them to need my help again and to contact me. Sorry for the long post and possible mistakes as it's my first one. I am hoping for some support and sensible advice. Thankyou.

Am sure you ve been a good mum OP and did your best bringing your children up . I would back off a bit dont be paying for holidays or fancy days out . Book yourself a holiday or a trip somewhere , show her you have a life too

Your " joke" about a smack wouldn't have made me laugh at all. My mum would probably have done the same and I remember all the times she laid her hands on me, and how it's affected my whole life. I'm trying really hard to break that disrespectful behaviour towards children with my own. It's very hard as I've got anger issues due to not being able to stand up for myself as a child. I've got major issues about other people looking after my children (it's happened a handful of times), and I definitely wouldn't let my parents look after my children more than a few hours if I'm not too far (thankfully they live abroad). Think about her as the child she was, the child who got hurt. Then apologise. That might help. It would help me if my mum did.

They were very happy that I moved here and helped me to house hunt. My husband was her Dad and I don't understand where you get that idea. We were together since I was nineteen years old. I couldn't support my daughter more. I have looked after her child and her dog, I have helped with finances and even gave my house over to my granddaughter's third birthday party. I think you are incredibly rude suggesting that I throw my weight around. I hardly go to their house as they usually come here, so I'm hardly on their doorstep.

I have made some friends since moving and three of us are going away together in June. I am building quite a good social life. Since I lost my husband I have lost my confidence in driving a bit and I am starting to explore the local area, bit by bit. I think you're right that I need to carry on in this direction.

Frankly, she sounds like a prickly person who was looking for a fight. She’s brought up the smacking at a tricky time, just about to drop off her dd (so she trusts you) but goes crazy at the word smack when it hasn’t been previously mentioned.

I’d say she doesn’t really like you at the minute, OP, sorry. She sounds like me about 20 years ago with my dm, I absolutely resented her for what I felt she did wrong in my childhood-she’s an alcoholic and preferred getting drunk to parenting, in my view.

She probably needs you more than you need her. Give her space and consider what you want.

I think you need to apologise to your daughter OP:

1. for the inappropriate comment

2. for smacking her as a child

3. for not believing her about her dad

You're making it all about you. How hurt you are, how sensitive etc. How about looking at things from your DD's perspective? You are the parent so to my mind, you need to make the first move.

Yes, I agree with this. I was smacked as a child in the 70s - when every kid I knew was - but I know that if my DM was alive I would have trusted her with my DC. My gran never smacked any of us. My aunt doesn’t smack her DGC either. My cousins trust her with their DC and none of them smack their DC.

I understand that she might well have responded badly to your comment about smacking - and it would be better not to joke about it. But if she was unpleasant to you about the dog then it looks like she was already narked and ready to have a go. I’d leave it for now and give both of you some space.

It sounds like your daughter resents being smacked as a child, but is using this as a stick to beat you with and a way to get money and childcare and petsitting without having to be grateful.

It might be worth having a talk with her about her childhood and trying to resolve things. You might need to explain, or even apologise if this is what's needed, but she also needs to accept that smacking was expected and an almost universal tool to discipline children. We are more enlightened now. In 30 years, her own daughter will be having a similar conversation with her about something she disagreed with that she does better as a parent herself.

We always got hit as kids, quite badly sometimes. We either compare tall stories of the wooden spoon/broom handle and even laugh about it. We know our parents were ignorant. Hell, even our teachers used to wallop us!

But then she needs to let it go.

You sound, from your posts, like a self absorbed nightmare. It’s coming across that you’re acting as a martyr and expecting to be allowed act as you wish with no consequences. I’m sure you’ll disagree but I suspect that your daughter wouldn’t.

This^

of course your son doesn’t remember the smack, he was young and it wasn’t him who was smacked. This doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Smacking is clearly very triggering to her, this is very typical reaction to being smacked as a child. Failure to believe she was smacked adds insult to injury, must be incredibly upsetting for her.

In your shoes I’d explain you’ve had time to reflect and want to sincerely apologise for your smacking and his smacking, with all the emotional and physical hurt it must have caused. At the time this was considered very typical parenting but its really not something you would do now.

op I think you’ll just need to agree to disagree. She experienced being hit by your DH, while you are adamant he would never do that. You won’t be able to agree on this so let it go

YANBU
I think your DD was way below the belt on both counts.

There's a time and place for everything, and if she's got issues, she should discuss them with you without humiliating you in front of your DGD.

It sounds like she's got a big chip on her shoulder.
I would give her some space and next time she wants some childcare, tell her you're busy.